Do you remember being happy?

[color_me_gone]

Going back to my parents house - brought back horrific memories from a violent abusive younger life; then being told by my mother she never wanted me anyway, I didn't deserve the life I'd created, that she hated me and always had. Sent me spiralling into a total breakdown.

Man that really sucks!
I just can't comprehend why parents can be like that.
I hear mothers tell their children, "I wish you were never born."
Makes me wish there was some way to identify these people in advance, and sterilize them.
They don't deserve to have kids.

 

[Philip]

Maybe when I was a little kid, but that was so long ago....I don't remember

 

[Sadand39]

Have you watched the movie "Bird Box"?

No, seems my mind is all over the place lately and it's very difficult trying to watch anything except cartoons

 

[KatieW]

No, seems my mind is all over the place lately and it's very difficult trying to watch anything except cartoons

Bird Box is about a mass suicide apocalypse that rung a tone with me. You should watch; many on this forum might enjoy it.

 

[Sickman75]

No I always felt left out, abandoned, not a part of
Didn't belong or fit in anywhere. I was the outcast.

 

[Made4TV]

Yes. But it was all based on lies though, so now, looking back, I can't even take pleasure in the memories.

 

[daemonblight]

Never been happy, not even as a young child.

 

[Kukubananas]

Yeah, I feel happy a lot actually. When I see something funny on Instagram or the TV. When someone compliments me on the street. When I'm doing something fun with my friends. Being drunk. There's a lot of things that can make you happy temporarily. The problem is staying that way.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

but at least when you are a child you are more innocent and you do not think so much about the "bad" of life.

Only if you're lucky enough to not have thrust upon you.

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Bird Box is about a mass suicide apocalypse that rung a tone with me. You should watch; many on this forum might enjoy it.

What did you get from that movie? It was the first one I've sat and watched until the end in a long while.
I don't want to give spoilers (in case anyone decides to watch) but I was little put off by reason given for those who weren't affected. It also seemed to metaphorically mirror reality. "Just don't look and you'll be fine. "

 

[Sundayafternoon]

Going back to my parents house - brought back horrific memories from a violent abusive younger life; then being told by my mother she never wanted me anyway, I didn't deserve the life I'd created, that she hated me and always had. Sent me spiralling into a total breakdown.

It makes me angry that you'd have to hear something like from your "mother". I'm sure you already know you are not the problem.
Some people do have children with the sole intention of passing on the suffering.

I hope you find peace soon.

 

[JustAboutDone]

It makes me angry that you'd have to hear something like from your "mother". I'm sure you already know you are not the problem.
Some people do have children with the sole intention of passing on the suffering.

I hope you find peace soon.

Thank you, that was really nice xx it's taken me years and years to realise it's her with the issues but I don't think I'll be free of her voice in my head til I'm gone

 

[KatieW]

What did you get from that movie? It was the first one I've sat and watched until the end in a long while.
I don't want to give spoilers (in case anyone decides to watch) but I was little put off by reason given for those who weren't affected. It also seemed to metaphorically mirror reality. "Just don't look and you'll be fine. "

Yes @Sundayafternoon , it reminded me of depression. Someone described it as a "veil" being lifted from the eyes so that you suddenly "see" all the hard truths about life. I see all the sadness and hardships and question why an Almighty God would create such a flawed system. Mental illness has really made me question life and religion, and the acceptance that I have absolutely no control over anything. Unable to unsee the truth, I feel I have no choice but to ctb. I just wish I had the courage and resolve of the Bird Box folks to terminate instantly.

 

[Broken]

Only during childhood.

My childhood was so happy. I get quite sad when i think of the lovely kind caring kid I was. It seems inconsevaable that that lovely kid would go so far off track. It haunts me the amazing people I've had in my life and lost. It's also strange because I can remember how I thought as a kid and what I thought life was about and what my future would hold.

 

[Broken]

I do, now when I think about those times it feels like someone kicked me really hard in the gut and all the air has been knocked out of me. I didn't even know I was happy then. It's been 11 or 12 years ago. Now it's every day with thoughts of ending it. Every medication, diet change, trip to the gym always ends in me not wanting to live any more. The feeling like I just don't belong in this world. It's like seeing the horrible truth of life and never being able to go back to the simplicity of happiness.

I feel that constant pain of noing you were once happy. My problem was that I didn't ever really aknowledge to myself how happy I was. I've learnt that's a dangerous game to play because if you don't fully appreciate and commit to happiness your garunteed to lose it. That's what I believe at least.

 

[Broken]

Thank you, that was really nice xx it's taken me years and years to realise it's her with the issues but I don't think I'll be free of her voice in my head til I'm gone

I've made lots of poor decisions in my life but I realise now that I learnt it all from my old man. He ain't been a bad dad. It's not really his fault. He didn't no his actions were influencing me but I'll never probably look at him in the same way again. If I get through this I know I will never be like him, especially if I have kids one day. I'm fully aware of the damage you acquire over years and years without realising it until it all spills out.

 

[Eren]

My childhood was so happy. I get quite sad when i think of the lovely kind caring kid I was. It seems inconsevaable that that lovely kid would go so far off track. It haunts me the amazing people I've had in my life and lost. It's also strange because I can remember how I thought as a kid and what I thought life was about and what my future would hold.

More than happy I was naive, innocent, you basically ignore the hardness of life when you're little, although unfortunately there are children who from childhood live very hard things.

 

[Broken]

More than happy I was naive, innocent, you basically ignore the hardness of life when you're little, although unfortunately there are children who from childhood live very hard things.

Yes I agree there are some poor kids that don't stand a chance. I'm I. Such a bad place at the mo at the age of 31. I can't imagine having to feel like I do now as a kid

 

[TheGoodGuy]

Yup back when I was a child and it feels like a kick in the stomach when experiencing intense nostalgia like when I remember a certain moment as clearly as if it happened only a few days ago.

Back then I also didn´t realize I was happy because I didn´t know what true sadness or despair was but I was excited every single day over something whether it being to play with a friend, play a video game, with certain toys or watch a series. Like you @Sadand39 I don´t genuinely laugh anymore it´s all forced, as a child or even my early teenage years I could end up laughing so hard it would literally hurt my stomach and gasping for air because I couldn´t stop laughing but those times are long gone.

It´s insane how much time has stolen from me, literally the only thing between me and the happiness I used to experience is time. I wish when I kill myself I would wake up as 5 years old again and experience my childhood all over again.

 

[Broken]

Yup back when I was a child and it feels like a kick in the stomach when experiencing intense nostalgia like when I remember a certain moment as clearly as if it happened only a few days ago.

Back then I also didn´t realize I was happy because I didn´t know what true sadness or despair was but I was excited every single day over something whether it being to play with a friend, play a video game, with certain toys or watch a series. Like you @Sadand39 I don´t genuinely laugh anymore it´s all forced, as a child or even my early teenage years I could end up laughing so hard it would literally hurt my stomach and gasping for air because I couldn´t stop laughing but those times are long gone.

It´s insane how much time has stolen from me, literally the only thing between me and the happiness I used to experience is time. I wish when I kill myself I would wake up as 5 years old again and experience my childhood all over again.

I think anyone In our situation that has known good times would do anything to go back there and see if they could sustain it.

 

[Redt2go]

Going back to my parents house - brought back horrific memories from a violent abusive younger life; then being told by my mother she never wanted me anyway, I didn't deserve the life I'd created, that she hated me and always had. Sent me spiralling into a total breakdown.

Evil :(

 

[NatureHermit921]

I do! and I somewhat want to return to those easier times. But I also suppose if it wasnt for my ignorance at the time I wouldnt have been happy. Not a care in the world, not thinking about tomorrow ah yes..simple times.. how I miss them

 

[TheNorthernSilence]

Well I guess there have been some happy moments but I don't remember any constant kind of happiness..

 

[StillWaiting]

I don't remember how it really feels to be genuinely happy. Now nothing really makes me happy for long anymore

 

[AhG]

Yes, when I was with my wife.

 

[Taylored]

Yes when I was a Younger Teen

 

[Livinginhell]

Simply no , never!

 

[LastDay]

I've had happy times for sure. The best was falling in love with my boyfriend, the first few years together were magical. We've been together nine years but things aren't as great now due to my mental illnesses, financial issues, and his depression.

 

[antivita]

I was generally safe and comfortable as a kid, which is what I consider happiness, but we're selling the house I grew up in, so now I don't even have a remnant of that time to hold onto.

 

[Sadand39]

Yup back when I was a child and it feels like a kick in the stomach when experiencing intense nostalgia like when I remember a certain moment as clearly as if it happened only a few days ago.

Back then I also didn´t realize I was happy because I didn´t know what true sadness or despair was but I was excited every single day over something whether it being to play with a friend, play a video game, with certain toys or watch a series. Like you @Sadand39 I don´t genuinely laugh anymore it´s all forced, as a child or even my early teenage years I could end up laughing so hard it would literally hurt my stomach and gasping for air because I couldn´t stop laughing but those times are long gone.

It´s insane how much time has stolen from me, literally the only thing between me and the happiness I used to experience is time. I wish when I kill myself I would wake up as 5 years old again and experience my childhood all over again.

I'm sitting in a restuarant and reading this, almost made me cry because this is how I feel. I've noticed that the depression has effected my time. Sometimes 10 years ago feels like only a couple of months ago and sometimes feels like a life time ago. I wish the same for me even though my childhood had very rough times too.