If I can clear a debt of USD 9,000, I won't want to die.
Here's my story. I used to be doing financial sales/financial adviser. I was actually doing well and making good money. However, soon after, I mixed with the wrong company and became bad. I spent more than what I can earned and not only that, I was mis-selling to clients. I lied and said things that weren't true just to make a sale.
Well, of course those things caught up with me and soon, not only I had my license revoked, I also got into plenty of debt, including an outstanding debt to the government. In my country, there is a retirement plan in place whereby we had to contribute 20% of our earnings towards it. For self-employed people, we could choose not to, but we still had to contribute a minimum towards our "medical retirement" plan; in case we need money for medical reasons. It is pretty difficult to explain if you are not from the same country, but long story short, I currently owe USD 3,000-equivalent to the government.
With an outstanding debt, it is impossible to once again be a financial adviser because of the regulations in my country. All financial advisers have to be financially sound and that means no debt. Because of my wrong-doing, I was also sacked and that made it very difficult for me to get another job. I was jobless for over a year.
Very soon, my savings withered down to nearly zero and that was when I got really desperate and I turned to scamming people. I would chat up people in community groups in Telegram and offer them services which will not materialize. For instance, during Ramadan/Muslim fasting month, I promised to deliver food daily to someone for a fee, but I only ran away with the money. I even offered to be an agent who could hook up handsome men with sugarmummies but of course, that was a fraud too. The laws caught up with me, I was dragged into a police station and my bank account was frozen and I was ordered by court to make restitution. Of course I was not able to, so currently I still have a pending charge against me.
That was when I decided, OK, my life is pretty much ruined, I gonna just kill myself. To be honest, I cannot handle the fall from grace. I used to make good money and was pretty much set in life. However, it all fell apart. I took an odd-job at a nearby veterinary clinic, using an excuse that Covid resulted in me having no sales and thus, leaving the industry. It was a lowly-paid job that basically allowed me to put one meal a day. I lost over 15kg since. However, it served a crucial purpose because it allowed me to get close to Nembutal and I stole from the clinic. Again, not proud, I hope everyone would be kind to me. It caused a huge panic when the vet discovered it missing. I don't know if it was a sign that I should CTB, but somehow, I managed to get away with it. My plan worked-it was a pretty simple one actually. It was a small neighborhood clinic, so security was pretty lax.
My intended CTB date would be this year in September. I just want to pass on the same day as my birthday. I feel it would be kinda poetic, as if coming a full cycle. But truth to be told, I never want to consider suicide. But I just cannot come to terms that I have fallen so hard. The truth is, a part of me still wanted to live, and live well.
Which was why I applied for a particular job late last month. It was for a very junior-managerial role in a (previously) related industry. I was surprised they actually arranged for an interview, which I just did earlier in the month. I was even more surprised to hear back earlier today that I was accepted and they would be arranging for me to meet Human Resources for a discussion. Not sure how it is in other countries, but here, it basically meant that you got it, what is left are background checks and salary discussion. When I saw the email, I was crazy happy, but it was only for a very brief moment, because I realize that was no way I could get it as I would fail background checks.
I need to pay restitution and also pay back whatever I owe the government (a total of USD 9,000) before I know I would be cleared to return to the industry. Otherwise, it is a definite no-go. If I had a second chance to return to the industry, I'm pretty confident I could rise again to the challenge and lead a great life again. At least I believe I won't be suicidal.
I know it is a huge amount (and clearing only a portion won't help me to be honest), but I really have no idea who I can turn to. I basically fell out with my friends and have not spoken to them since forever. I tried reaching out to two of them, but neither replied me. I understand, because I also ignored them. I even ignored their invites to their weddings and subsequently their newborn's parties. I don't blame them for ignoring my messages. If I were in their shoes, I would had done the same.
I don't have any family to turn to.
I really do not wish to die but I also can't stand living like this. Frankly, my life now is going to the clinic early in the morning, and simply doing whatever the vet asks me to. Sometimes, it is sweeping the floor, sometimes it is clearing the mess after the session. For lunch, I would say that I am heading home to feed my dog (which I don't even have, but I lied to appear that I love animals to land the job), when in reality, I merely headed home to drink water and take a 30 minutes nap. I only make enough to buy a cheap dinner for the day. I don't have a social life because I am too poor to have one. I return home daily to my small rented room whereby I do nothing, except surf the internet but would usually get depressed real quick when I realize there are so much good stuff in the world that I cannot acquire. I would eat my dinner and curl up in bed, reading old messages my ex-gf sent me. If I could turn back time, I would had treated her better. I truly miss her. My landlord has asked why I stayed home and hardly steps out, so on weekends, I pretend to head out. But what I really do was to walk all the way to a public library and read books there. If it so happens that my landlord left the house before I did, I would stay at home the entire day and pretend that I reached home just a little ahead of him. I would throw fresh clothes into the laundry basket just to pretend I headed out.
My life as of now have been truly low and even of filth. Sometimes, I can't even find the motivation to step into the shower. Disgusting, but sometimes, I only shower once in two or three days. To mask this, I would throw a clean towel into the laundry basket as well. I often find ants in my room; I am pretty sure it is because of my hygiene.
Is God playing a prank on me or giving me an opportunity? I really don't know.
I truly desire a second chance in life. Everytime I think about CTB-ing, I don't feel at peace; I only end up crying.
