Do you really want to die?

[lucacaro]

What did half a gram feel like?

If that person doesn't reply this -LINK- should take you to a reply someone gave me about their experience taking 0.6 grams of SN. I'm interested in this persons experience as well though. I was considering taking half a gram or so myself. I've only ever licked a little off my finger and I don't think it really did anything.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Honestly I don't really want to die. I want to experience all the episodes, movies, and games from my preferred franchises in the future. At the same time though I know I have to die because it will make the world as a whole a better place by removing such a cruel being.

 

[newave3]

Yes 100%, I want to be dead. If I had 100 ml of N right now I would drink it down so fast you wouldn't even know it was there.

 

[user667]

yes, i really do want to die. i hate when people says that suicidal people just want to stop the pain because that's not true for me. but like you, i have my SN and haven't been able to do anything with it yet. i'm not sure why. uncertainty maybe, or just survival instinct. i have to commit suicide one day tho and i know i will. my current plan is just to sink further into my depression until i hit rock bottom. i don't think that will be much longer tho, as i'm already so so low.

 

[Spitfire]

It is going to happen anyway because we die. Yes, I do want to die and the sooner the better in my opinion.

CTB though? It is tough even when you know that is what you want for yourself.

 

[muffin222]

My desire to die ebbs and flows depending on the day and even the moment. I have days where dying dominates the forefront of mind, and days where suicide is merely a passing thought.

Part of me wants to die, and part of me wants to live. I don't know which part represents my true desires and which does not, so I just continue drifting through the days until the two parts reach a mutual consensus about which path is the right decision.

 

[262653]

If that person doesn't reply this -LINK- should take you to a reply someone gave me about their experience taking 0.6 grams of SN. I'm interested in this persons experience as well though. I was considering taking half a gram or so myself. I've only ever licked a little off my finger and I don't think it really did anything.

Half and a month ago, I took somewhere between 0,4 and 0,6 g (lack of proper measurement tools). Mixed with 53ml of pre-boiled lukewarm water, took in the morning, on an empty stomach (haven't ate or drank anything else yet). I weigh about 80kg. I was writing down my experience:
3m to 7m after ingestion (minutes): minor difficulties breathing (difficulty increased over that time)

7m: clicking in my neck, I'm guessing my arteries in the neck area were pounding so hard I could both feel and hear the clicking (in the rhythm with heartbeat)

7 1/2m to 9m : "head went round, vision blurs, fainting, trouble concentrating", trouble writing my own experience, trouble finding words, I felt the need to bring the bucket next to my computer desk, in case I will vomit (I didn't)

11m: the fainting and nausea slowly go away; 13m: most symptoms went away; 15m: feeling good and normal

17m: "when I'm holding down my breath on after inhaling, I can feel the arteries in the neck area pounding so hard it feels like they hit something inside and it's not exactly pleasant"

37m: felt minor disturbances in breathing when walking around the apartment

That's pretty much it. I don't think I would dare to ever take more unless I'm going all-in. I'm assuming that time will feel like lasting forever. I've experienced this before and I really didn't like it. That's why I would probably try to masturbate in the process between ingesting and losing consciousness. Turn the everlasting anxiety into pleasurable experience while SN does its job. Quite ironic, really. Using against my survival side the same manipulation tool that is used in urging me to fuck and procreate.

 

[Superdeterminist]

That's why I would probably try to masturbate in the process between ingesting and losing consciousness. Turn the everlasting anxiety into pleasurable experience while SN does its job. Quite ironic, really. Using against my survival side the same manipulation tool that is used in urging me to fuck and procreate.

XD I'm just picturing that. It's definitely an interesting strategy. Worth a shot

 

[sadbadpsychogirl]

hell yes

 

[AutoTap]

I'm suicidal like I assume just about everyone else here is but I really don't exactly want to die. I have what I need (SN) but I can't quite make myself do anything drastic with it yet.

I have someone I really like talking to and I think that's the main thing stopping me honestly. I really love them. Nothing is gonna come from it though, maybe if I could get over them I could find the strength to just die already. But I love how I feel when talking to them.

And plus dying is fucking terrifying. I want peace and while I'm sure I could get it in death - at what cost?? I will never be aware again - which I guess being aware is why I feel so awful but... still. I won't think or have opinions and I'll never have an impact on anything ever again. I'm just gone. Done. Over. Nothing more. It's so final.

I don't want to die really I just want peace. Sucks that you have to go so far to get it. Anyone else get this?

Yeh I agree and understand I'm in similar situation.

 

[WornOutLife]

Yes, I do.
Why?
Well, I guess it's because I can't live a normal life anymore. I'm done with pretending to be a "normal person" who is interested in what annoying people are saying. I'm done with "sleep, study, work and have children" idea of a "good life".

Also, I'm fed up with not understanding the universe. Just what the hell are we? An experiment? An accident? Damn.

I'm unmotivated to keep living.

 

[DrWh033]

I doubt you will be able to achieve an erection with blood pressure dropping. Just take some Benzo if you have to fall asleep.

 

[262653]

I doubt you will be able to achieve an erection with blood pressure dropping. Just take some Benzo if you have to fall asleep.

I'm assuming you're responding to my message bc I doubt anyone else in this thread has mentioned anything erection-related so far. I tried it with the test dose and had no discernible issues. I don't know how different things will be with the lethal dose. I can entertain the possibility that at some point there might be issues but I don't know when exactly. If it will be an issue too early, then I'll put on some music instead, and lay down on a bed.

 

[NodusTollens]

Yeah...after a point I started to see the limitations of "recovery;" taking medications won't make me like everyone else. It's just more expenses trying to fit into a system that hates me on sight. I don't hold out hope that things'll get better for myself.

To know enough to sense your differences from others, but never knowing how to bridge the gap. It's disheartening to learn how people see you despite your best efforts. I'm never going to be enough- I've accepted this.

 

[Deformationalplagio]

I understand you man. I was born with severe facial disfugerment. As much as i want to live i will never have the same live as anyone else. It mostly feels like im just here but i cant enjoy most things like partying relationships going to the gym etc etc. It feels like im more an observer and the onky thing i can do is watch other people live. Its my dream to have a life but it is my biggest nightmare to live it with this condition.

 

[Uzera]

I've come to the conclusion that I don't really want to die I just can't tolerate living anymore. Even thinking is agony now. Mostly horrible memories. Watching horrors continue to happen to others and I can do nothing. I'm not religious but honestly I would really like for this hellhole planet to not be the last stop on my existence.

I think that's been part of my problem, it's not really that I want death it's just that I want the pain to stop. Death is only way to get there but death is scary. My mind goes in circles.

 

[LenkaX]

I think that most of people here are very ambiguous in the question of CTB, including myself. You don't want anymore of this everyday shit, but you cannot CTB, because somewhere deep in you, there is maybe a little spark of hope. Survival instinct is also a huge factor.

 

[Sprite_Geist]

It is not so much the wish to die, but an unwillingness to live in this environment.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

I thinks its 50/50 now. I may now really WANT to die but there are only so many options to live...

Im scared of the pain and possible failing of CTB. Im also terrified of having to live though all this shit.

Like i can delude myself day by day but when the delusions and distractions and "supports" are gone, I have nothing I want in life bad enough to keep going through this.

Im tired of it all...

Im having difficulties finding enough peace mentally in life to even think of my death... It's exhausting being abused and pushed around constantly. Even when i get peace its very temporary.

So living or dying its all really exhausting. At least with dying it ends. (Thats my personal rational/thought)

 

[OrdinaryDay]

Obviously I would rather turn back time and correct whatever brought me to this situation. Since that is not possible I will just have to be brave and do the honorable thing. Die instead of becoming a burden to the people that love me. Nothing to debate or discuss.
People in this forum belong to a very heterogeneous group with different backgrounds. Our only similarity is that we don't draw pleasure from life.

I've been a massive burden for a long time now.. i really want to be brave enough to ctb..

 

[L0b5t3r]

I thinks its 50/50 now. I may now really WANT to die but there are only so many options to live...

Im scared of the pain and possible failing of CTB. Im also terrified of having to live though all this shit.

Like i can delude myself day by day but when the delusions and distractions and "supports" are gone, I have nothing I want in life bad enough to keep going through this.

Im tired of it all...

Im having difficulties finding enough peace mentally in life to even think of my death... It's exhausting being abused and pushed around constantly. Even when i get peace its very temporary.

So living or dying its all really exhausting. At least with dying it ends. (Thats my personal rational/thought)

Completely agree with you, I feel like if it was easier to end it all I would have already done it rather than sitting on sites like this trying to figure out the method least likely to fail

 

[adam&eve]

And plus dying is fucking terrifying. I want peace and while I'm sure I could get it in death - at what cost?? I will never be aware again - which I guess being aware is why I feel so awful but... still. I won't think or have opinions and I'll never have an impact on anything ever again. I'm just gone. Done. Over. Nothing more. It's so final.

Yeah... or worse... you end up in hell because God doesn't have not a itsy bit of sentiment towards people who suffer it seems

or you end up reincarnated like a fcking disabled person ... great

 

[lucacaro]

Yeah... or worse... you end up in hell because God doesn't have not a itsy bit of sentiment towards people who suffer it seems

or you end up reincarnated like a fcking disabled person ... great

Personally I don't really believe in hell... I think all that heaven and hell shit is unfair - no one should need a reason to go to hell. We should have been made to be good people who had good lives instead of this shit. Life is too awful for me to believe god exists. And if he does he's a prick for doing this to us.

Reincarnation is interesting though, but it also kind of scares me to think about because I would have no recollection of who I used to be in this life. Can't imagine a new me would have a better life though seeing what the world is turning into.

 

[rhonda]

What do any of us want, really? I have gone down the rabbit hole of despair today, quite willingly...so I'm pretty fucking negative...but the way I see it, what we're really, deep down inside looking for, isn't death, but freedom and acceptance...someone to accept you for who you are regardless of how fucked up your thought process...tell you that shit doesn't matter...that you're ok just the way you are...that you are worthy and capable...and it's ok to feel how you feel right now...acceptance not tolerance...or maybe that's just me

 

[Nightwillalwayswin]

No, it's not the goal but rather a means to an end- which is not to be in pain anymore. There are things in life that objectively I enjoy, like, want to achieve etc but the pain I am in robs me of feeling the desire for these things and from enjoying life so I want it to end.

And then death is just terrifying, especially willingly walking into it so I get stuck in this truly miserable limbo.

 

[Natty]

At this point it's really the only thing I truly long for.

 

[LivingANDDying26]

I thinks its 50/50 now. I may now really WANT to doe but there are only so many options to live...

Im tired of it all...

Im having difficulties finding enough peace mentally in life to even think of my death... It's exhausting being abused and pushed around constantly. Even when i get peace its very temporary.

So living or dying its all really exhausting. At least with dying it ends. (Thats my personal rational/thought)

Completely agree with you, I feel like if it was easier to end it all I would have already done it rather than sitting on sites like this trying to figure out the method least likely to fail

Thats exactly what I feel like im doing. Endless searching. Sometimes the search feels endless bc no method is that painless and I have no idea what any of the pain WOULD feel like...


Just overall frustrating.

 

[turin]

i think a lot of people want change.. it's just the belief that it can happen or not.

 

[heraclitus]

I know exactly what you mean: the thirst, the need for peace contrasted with feelings of guilt about those left behind and (perhaps) the hope that one day, in some way, the situation might improve.

Knowing that CTB is a permanent solution to what may be only a temporary problem.

That said, I am close to losing al hope.

I hope you find your peace.

 

[MrBlue]

Not really tbh, but I've never been able to live, and so I don't have any reason to continue existing beyond a lack of resources to ctb and an abundance of overthinking.