Do you really want to die?

[lucacaro]

I'm suicidal like I assume just about everyone else here is but I really don't exactly want to die. I have what I need (SN) but I can't quite make myself do anything drastic with it yet.

I have someone I really like talking to and I think that's the main thing stopping me honestly. I really love them. Nothing is gonna come from it though, maybe if I could get over them I could find the strength to just die already. But I love how I feel when talking to them.

And plus dying is fucking terrifying. I want peace and while I'm sure I could get it in death - at what cost?? I will never be aware again - which I guess being aware is why I feel so awful but... still. I won't think or have opinions and I'll never have an impact on anything ever again. I'm just gone. Done. Over. Nothing more. It's so final.

I don't want to die really I just want peace. Sucks that you have to go so far to get it. Anyone else get this?

 

[rabbithole]

I fully understand what you mean. I want to live but I need peace. I can't find it while living anymore.

 

[ihavetoleave]

Yeah same here, I have SN and I can't take it, or I haven't gotten to the desperate point where I feel I have to take it. Dying seems awful and scary and painful. Living is painful too and I've made a mess of my life I can't fix. So there is no way forward either way. I hope for a miracle but I know it won't happen. I hope death comes naturally and happens overnight and quickly while I'm sleeping but I know that won't happen either.

 

[sadworld]

Yeah, I just want to be happy and have a nice life again. I'm literally only living for the few minutes everyday where I don't feel like I want to die right now...

 

[Meditation guide]

I really want to die right now, every minute. I'm afraid to take SN and want to go from CO instead but no place to do it.

 

[DrWh033]

Obviously I would rather turn back time and correct whatever brought me to this situation. Since that is not possible I will just have to be brave and do the honorable thing. Die instead of becoming a burden to the people that love me. Nothing to debate or discuss.
People in this forum belong to a very heterogeneous group with different backgrounds. Our only similarity is that we don't draw pleasure from life.

 

[Jarni]

I don't want to die at all... I love life very very much. All my life in all situations I said to me that smth (life) is always better than nothing (death). I have many people that I love very much too and that really love me too and I'm very good with them... I have the best friends and men in the world (I'm female). But...But in my actual condition (illness) I'm just afraid of living... Very anxious... Life became dangerous for me, much more dangerous than death... It is not the same life, unfortunately.... It's tragic...

On the other hand we have to die sooner or later (later is much better...) and I think there will always be our loved ones (not for everybody unfortunately)... It will always be extremely difficult...

But if smb has no real difficult illnesses (no cure), I think everything is manageable with some work on the situation and smth is always better than nothing.

 

[Defenestration]

no, but it's too difficult to heal ... no more energy to fight ... 13 years of psychiatrists, of drugs for very little result ...

 

[HenryHobkins]

yea kinda, i just dont want to exist in this world anymore

 

[justsad&done]

Obviously I would rather turn back time and correct whatever brought me to this situation. Since that is not possible I will just have to be brave and do the honorable thing. Die instead of becoming a burden to the people that love me. Nothing to debate or discuss.
People in this forum belong to a very heterogeneous group with different backgrounds. Our only similarity is that we don't draw pleasure from life.

Yes, and since we don't have a time travel machine, we are stuck in the present. I know my life could have been different. But my reality is the here and now. And the minimal pleasure is simply not worth the intense pain.

 

[NumbItAll]

♫ I don't want to die,
I sometimes wish I'd never been born at all. ♫

 

[rabbithole]

I really want to die right now, every minute. I'm afraid to take SN and want to go from CO instead but no place to do it.

I want to die every minute also :( and I'm afraid of sn not working I'm also afraid of it working and my parents finding me dead. If that wasn't a concern i would've made an attempt already. I keep envisioning them finding me and it's so damn awful. I can't do it in my car because I know I never will. It's just too uncomfortable. I've experienced sn (half a gram so definitely not comparable to the 20g) and I don't want to feel that way while in a car. I need to be able to lie down. ugh.

what scares you about sn?

 

[Pookie]

We're all going to die anyway. I really want to die. The only thing keeping me alive for now is that I don't want to hurt my loved ones. But sometimes even love isn't enough.

 

[rabbithole]

Obviously I would rather turn back time and correct whatever brought me to this situation. Since that is not possible I will just have to be brave and do the honorable thing. Die instead of becoming a burden to the people that love me. Nothing to debate or discuss.
People in this forum belong to a very heterogeneous group with different backgrounds. Our only similarity is that we don't draw pleasure from life.

I feel this completely. "Nothing to debate or discuss". That's where I'm at too. I have an incurable, progressive disease (one of the most painful known) and I'm terrified. Plus ive had severe depression for a decade prior to this disease. I can't live this way - there's just no discussion.

 

[rs929]

I don't wanna die, I want to be dead.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I would always take experience over no experience, but only if that experience is a happy, enjoyable one. There are problems I have in life that I can't seem to solve, and that's why I want to end it - I don't hate life itself, just my personal experience with it. There are some pleasant experiences in life so wonderful that saying goodbye to them is really painful. But my problems remain and they keep causing me agony.

 

[wishicouldgoback]

I see it as the ultimate shortcut. We're all going there anyway. How bad could it be?

 

[Jarni]

And as in Queen's song "Who wants to live forever"... (not me :-/)

 

[lucacaro]

We're all going to die anyway. I really want to die. The only thing keeping me alive for now is that I don't want to hurt my loved ones. But sometimes even love isn't enough.

Yeah I felt that way for awhile about my family. I was worried about how my mom would react but over time I've become a bit more bitter and hateful to everyone/everything. Besides, she always complains about how I do nothing so in a way dying almost feels like a favor. :/

I see it as the ultimate shortcut. We're all going there anyway. How bad could it be?

"How bad could it be"
I always try to convince myself that even if it is bad (dying) it's the last thing I'll ever feel so it doesn't really matter. I'm not convinced yet but maybe I will be soon.

 

[Ber0]

Damn, I completely get that and often find myself thinking the same things. I just know that although the fear can be much at times, once it's over, it's over you know? (as far as humans scientifically know of course) There won't be a "me" to worry about thinking or not thinking, I just won't exist anymore. I get what you mean if that part could hold you back. I guess I'm just going back and forth and waiting to see how things go before I do anything. And I still have a list of stuff to do, cause I don't want regrets.

 

[lucacaro]

Damn, I completely get that and often find myself thinking the same things. I just know that although the fear can be much at times, once it's over, it's over you know? (as far as humans scientifically know of course) There won't be a "me" to worry about thinking or not thinking, I just won't exist anymore. I get what you mean if that part could hold you back. I guess I'm just going back and forth and waiting to see how things go before I do anything. And I still have a list of stuff to do, cause I don't want regrets.

I find myself constantly going back and forth waiting... nothing ever really changes for me though, I wake up and do the same empty things everyday. It's hard to imagine a future for myself especially one where I have to put myself out there and get something done. I don't even know where to begin... And I don't think I would enjoy life even if I tried though so why bother.

Hope you get to do everything you want to before/if you pass.

 

[Ber0]

I find myself constantly going back and forth waiting... nothing ever really changes for me though, I wake up and do the same empty things everyday. It's hard to imagine a future for myself especially one where I have to put myself out there and get something done. I don't even know where to begin... And I don't think I would enjoy life even if I tried though so why bother.

Hope you get to do everything you want to before/if you pass.

I appreciate you saying that, also sorry to be assumptive if I'm wrong but it sounds like perhaps there's a sliver of still wanting to try something, like you said to put yourself out there and get something done? I personally asked myself if I would regret anything by leaving at the time, and I realized that I would. So I identified why, and put it all on a list. I've been slowly but surely finishing each item. Have you considered making a list of things you'd like to still do? The worst thing that happens is you try it and fail. The best is one of your attempts at a goal or dream pans out and you succeed from it. But in the cheesiest way possible, there's the quote of "you won't know unless you try it". Either way thanks for wishing me well and I wish the same for you no matter what happens.

 

[blackwidow92]

Yes I do. I feel like I've messed my life up beyond comprehension and I don't have the energy to try fix it so there really isn't much left for me. I want it all to be over and done with I just don't have access to my method yet.

 

[lucacaro]

I appreciate you saying that, also sorry to be assumptive if I'm wrong but it sounds like perhaps there's a sliver of still wanting to try something, like you said to put yourself out there and get something done? I personally asked myself if I would regret anything by leaving at the time, and I realized that I would. So I identified why, and put it all on a list. I've been slowly but surely finishing each item. Have you considered making a list of things you'd like to still do? The worst thing that happens is you try it and fail. The best is one of your attempts at a goal or dream pans out and you succeed from it. But in the cheesiest way possible, there's the quote of "you won't know unless you try it". Either way thanks for wishing me well and I wish the same for you no matter what happens.

I don't think I could properly articulate why I can't/won't do anything with my life because I still don't even understand myself or my mental illnesses (whatever they even are...) so... I don't think there is much hope to try anything. It's alright though.

About that list thing though, it's a nice idea and I'll see if I can come up with anything. Not sure if there is anything though haha. I'm feeling a bit pessimistic right now I think it's showing, sorry lol.

 

[VtubersAreMyLife]

I do, I'm mentally exhausted beyond repair I believe. I literally have most everything I could want to distract myself, but for some reason I have to try to enjoy it. I do want to go, but the amount of guilt I feel for destroying my family is making it extremely hard for me. I know they'll recover, as everyone does with grief. But man, once I go through with it, I know the first few months to maybe a year will be hard for all of them...

 

[yive]

Do you really want to die?

yes, i really want to die

 

[Ber0]

I don't think I could properly articulate why I can't/won't do anything with my life because I still don't even understand myself or my mental illnesses (whatever they even are...) so... I don't think there is much hope to try anything. It's alright though.

About that list thing though, it's a nice idea and I'll see if I can come up with anything. Not sure if there is anything though haha. I'm feeling a bit pessimistic right now I think it's showing, sorry lol.

Nah I completely get it, the list just helped me. I was just sharing what helped me. either way I get what you meant about conflicting thoughts and talking to people that bring you joy. No matter what answer or path you take, I wish you the best and hope things get better and you can find your peace one way or another.

 

[Disco Biscuit]

I want to die every minute also :( and I'm afraid of sn not working I'm also afraid of it working and my parents finding me dead. If that wasn't a concern i would've made an attempt already. I keep envisioning them finding me and it's so damn awful. I can't do it in my car because I know I never will. It's just too uncomfortable. I've experienced sn (half a gram so definitely not comparable to the 20g) and I don't want to feel that way while in a car. I need to be able to lie down. ugh.

what scares you about sn?

What did half a gram feel like?

 

[KleinerWolf]

Considering problem-solving isn't working for me,

I'm giving myself an easy way out.

I would prefer to problem solve,
but not having to deal with my shit is good too.

 

[Viov]

Yes, I really do. And have wanted to do so for as long as I can remember. The sad thing is that just nobody understands this. I tried to explain it to people a couple of times and they just cannot comprehend it. It makes you feel even more alone