do you *want* to die?

[Praestat_Mori]

I can fully relate to this. I don't want to die but external circumstances may force me to CTB bc I don't want any further decline of my life quality. My life declines bc of financial issues after a big failure in life - everything else would be great and I also don't mind getting older.

 

[sancta-simplicitas]

"I don't want to die, I just don't want to live"

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

Yes I want to die.

No one can convince me that there is a reason why I should want to live. or that there is a reason to live or do anything

nothing matters. What that we do today could matter in 130 years? In 10,000 years? in a trillion years? Nothing

nothing matters anyway even without the fact that the universe will expand into nothingness . no one can convince me anything matters or that something is important even life or wanting to live

I don't want anything from this evil life and this evil world.

Again no one can convince me that i have to want to do anything in this world, no one

The only things that matter to me is avoiding excruciating unbearable pain , extreme suffering then other kinds of suffering and problems. The only way to avoid that is for me to kill myself asap. but that's not the only reason i want to die there are many more on top of other reasons layers upon layers

i think some seem to suggest that i am pro-Death or promortalist. i'm only only pro-Death for me. I couldn't care less what some other human does or doesn't do. why is that my business or how could anything someone far away affect me ? they can't so it's no logical to worry about things you can't control anyway.

How is what some stranger on the internet decides to do live a while longer or not how is that supposed to affect me or why should that be any of my business? Plus we all die anyway. nothing matters even if we didn't all die.

especially the New york times and fix26 say that we are a Death cult and that we get pleasure out of convincing vulnerable children to kill themselves

furthermore after Death is non-existence forever. non-existence forever means never having any pain, never any suffering , never any problems nor bad memories ever. I don't see how they have everyone afraid of that or not wanting that ultimate peace zero pain zero suffering no bad memories, no responsibilities , no diseases, no old age, no work , no chores, no worry, no stress, no depression, no unmet needs, no hunger, not having to feed these 30 trillion cells 3 times a day, no boredom , none of the 1000's of other horrible things in life and this world. non-existence forever is the ultimate bliss

 

[Ms.Melancholy]

"I want the voices to stop"

I'm not schizo, but my mind has a way of torturing itself for some reason. Be it some sort of OCD, decision or whatever else, it's overwhelming and really I want some peace and quiet already.
My thoughts feel like autoimmune diseases, eternally ambivalent. Or maybe I'm just too poetic about some basic ass mental illnesses

So not really, no... but then again

 

[FuneralCry]

In my case to not exist is all I wish for, I just wish for true peace from this painful and torturous existence that is so immensley cruel, I'm so tired of suffering in this existence and for me existing is only suffering, I suffer simply from existing, I wish to never exist again but really I wish I never suffered at all, if it's up to me I'd choose to completely erase my existence. I just want all to be forgotten about for me, under no circumstances would I wish to exist, I find existing to be deeply undesirable in every way, I really never should have existed, to me existence just feels like such a terrible tragedy that only death can bring me relief from.

 

[11April]

I understand what you mean. I have a similar situation. I love life and I don't want to die. But I have to, because the pain this life gives me is stronger than the happiness I can achieve. For me, there is only one happiness that would cover all the troubles that could happen to me. But it is no longer in my life and will never be. Therefore, I will have to die.

You are right that there is a big difference between people like us and those who do not like life in any situation, because in addition to fear, we also have to experience regret that we will have to end our lives. For us, there is no good way out, there is simply a less bad one. We choose between two evils.

 

[sorrowful]

I feel like I need to, as there is no way I can exist comfortably here. My wants aren't something that can be made reality, I often find myself lost in fantasy and daydream. I do think I would want to experience a normal life. Nothing fancy, but something small and quiet, though even that is not possible with what I was given and the state of the world. The person that I wanted such a life with also ended his own life 2 months ago. Living can be something beautiful, there have been moments I've looked up at a sunset and thought, if only it were all different, but humanity is so incredibly destructive and full of hatred that even if my own problems could be bettered I still would not see much point in going on. I cannot live peacefully knowing of all the possible suffering out there and how it will always be that way. I don't think there is much for me to do anymore. So much trauma and hardship, I'm stuck in a body that I do not want and I am incapable of doing anything due to mental illness, I'd never be able to hold a job nor support myself. I do not want death to be the end, though, my only hope is that there is an afterlife, somewhere much nicer than this, a lovelier sky with no more hurting.

 

[archiveofpain]

Yeah, I would like to. My life is not completely devoid of joy, however I just feel that life is an endless cycle of suffering. Society tells us to push forward and keep going, but for what reason? I feel like I was born in the wrong place and time and that I'll never find a way to live here that really resonates with me

That aside I want to CTB because I dislike the idea of myself aging in the first place, but more than that is I often feel I'm already ruined mentally in the sense that without a fresh start I'm going to be stuck in the same complexes, fears, the same conditioning so I would rather die than to cling for false hopes once again

 

[uglyugly]

I thought I did want to die, and some days I really do want to die. Screaming at whatever non-existent deity to get me the fuck off this rotting, stinking planet, with no answer. But other days I don't. I just want the hell out of my pain and see death as my only option.

I've spent the last few weeks trying to get my shit together, work overtime to get more money so I dont lose my home, and eat differently so I am not so depressed. (Food most definitely affects my moods.) But, then today, my 85 year old dad falls and is now in the fucking hospital. Soooo, while I care about him, this means missing fucking work and that means losing money. Goddamn it, I just want a break!

 

[avalonisburning]

It's not my first choice. It's not even my hundredth choice. Imagine how bad things have to be that I'm here.

 

[excaliboyz]

I feel like I need to, as there is no way I can exist comfortably here. My wants aren't something that can be made reality, I often find myself lost in fantasy and daydream. I do think I would want to experience a normal life. Nothing fancy, but something small and quiet, though even that is not possible with what I was given and the state of the world. The person that I wanted such a life with also ended his own life 2 months ago. Living can be something beautiful, there have been moments I've looked up at a sunset and thought, if only it were all different, but humanity is so incredibly destructive and full of hatred that even if my own problems could be bettered I still would not see much point in going on. I cannot live peacefully knowing of all the possible suffering out there and how it will always be that way. I don't think there is much for me to do anymore. So much trauma and hardship, I'm stuck in a body that I do not want and I am incapable of doing anything due to mental illness, I'd never be able to hold a job nor support myself. I do not want death to be the end, though, my only hope is that there is an afterlife, somewhere much nicer than this, a lovelier sky with no more hurting.

I feel in the same boat, my wants cant be met in this world, and even if my mind is already too fucked up to be ever fine again. And yes I do day dream a lot too.

 

[Blurry_Buildings]

If things were different, I'd want to live, but that is not reality. I want to die.

 

[Saucer]

I desperately, desperately want to die. I am slowly realising how unhappy and in pain I have been for my entire life. There's nothing here for me. I really want to ctb. I just can't figure out how.

I just want to go. I really really do.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I don't know, if I'm honest. I definitely would like to experience happiness and interest in things, rather than just surviving. But I'm in my 6th decade of life now, and it's only now I've asked for help and getting it. The help is good but very hard work, but I'll stick at it because it's my only chance. But if this doesn't work, I've got everything ready for ctb plus a few backup methods and I will certainly use them. I've put up with this hell all my life and I don't see the point of accepting more of the same when I'm probably not that far off dying naturally anyway. Thanks for the question OP because I've just clarified things in my own mind. x

Yeah, I would like to. My life is not completely devoid of joy, however I just feel that life is an endless cycle of suffering. Society tells us to push forward and keep going, but for what reason? I feel like I was born in the wrong place and time and that I'll never find a way to live here that really resonates with me

That aside I want to CTB because I dislike the idea of myself aging in the first place, but more than that is I often feel I'm already ruined mentally in the sense that without a fresh start I'm going to be stuck in the same complexes, fears, the same conditioning so I would rather die than to cling for false hopes once again

That's the thing isn't it? No one can tell us what the point of life is. Other than "you matter" and all that garbage. I don't matter at all.

 

[kunikuzushi]

I don't want to go through the process of dying because I imagine I would hate the feeling of losing the things I enjoyed, like music and tasty food. But I really want to be dead so I can stop this suffering. It would've been ideal to never have been born.

 

[katyusha_kat]

I've never been all that interested in living anyway and my quality of life has severely deteriorated. All I've done in my adult life is work and study, with not much to show for it. I'm exhausted and disillusioned and I just want to rest. I just want everything to go away and let me rest.

 

[hopeless302]

yes I do want to die. Maybe if I had a purpose and people who loved me then I would want to live. Sadly, I'm not that fortunate. I've been miserable all my life, and I don't think that'll ever change.

 

[iloveduster]

I don't think I'd want to die if I wasn't me.

Everytime something good happens in my life, even if it's a crumb of happiness, I start thinking life is good, life will be worth it and stuff like that. But then after 2 seconds of that happiness I'm reminded that I am still me and I cannot change my life. Even when I relax for a second, peace gets taken away from me or my hatred for myself wins again. Whatever happened, happened. I can't change my body, my voice or anything with me. After all, I'll still be me. My life is so miserable and I can't do anything to get out of this misery. I'm cursed I guess. So many bad things happen everyday and I haven't experienced anything good in years. I wish I could actually be happy and have a nice life with a nice group of friends but that's impossible as long as I'm me. I'm always in pain mentally and physically and death seems like the only thing that will bring me my long sought peace. I just wish I wasn't me.

 

[alltoomuch2]

I don't think I'd want to die if I wasn't me.

Everytime something good happens in my life, even if it's a crumb of happiness, I start thinking life is good, life will be worth it and stuff like that. But then after 2 seconds of that happiness I'm reminded that I am still me and I cannot change my life. Even when I relax for a second, peace gets taken away from me or my hatred for myself wins again. Whatever happened, happened. I can't change my body, my voice or anything with me. After all, I'll still be me. My life is so miserable and I can't do anything to get out of this misery. I'm cursed I guess. So many bad things happen everyday and I haven't experienced anything good in years. I wish I could actually be happy and have a nice life with a nice group of friends but that's impossible as long as I'm me. I'm always in pain mentally and physically and death seems like the only thing that will bring me my long sought peace. I just wish I wasn't me.

I hear you.

 

[wallavenue]

No, I don't want to die. I wish things could've been different.

I feel like I'm inept and that I'm not meant to live this life. It all seems too difficult.

Logically, I know I'm not in a bad spot and that I can turn my life around, but it all seems like so much, and none of it is good enough in my eyes. My standards for myself are so high I feel it'd be better to just die rather than continue to be a failure.

 

[fatladysings]

I just want to die, I'm not interested in living.

 

[ceilng_tile]

I don't want to die because then my wife would be lonely. It's not her fault that my future has been taken away from me and she's doing everything she can to be supportive.

But I also don't want a life where I'm too autistic and disabled to have the future I want. Either I find a way to get it back or I CTB.

 

[yariousvamp]

You're right, this made me think twice, I don't *want* to die, because if I knew that I could get out of my third world country and live happily in a developed country far away from poverty, the culture and islam I'll choose it blindly, But I need to, as long as I'm in this country i NEED to die, I can't let myself suffer like this forever.

My deadline is 2030/10/19, by then, if I don't make it out of my country, it'll be the time when I will try a very violent attempt to die, not just slitting my wrist or choking myself or OD like my other failed attempts.

 

[hopscotch]

i don't know, the line drawn here is a little blurry. i hate everything that comes with how life functions. i hate the way the world works. i don't think i'm compatible with any of it, and so, instead of disappointing me and everyone i know, i should just give it up early. i know i'll fuck up even worse if given the chance. so of course i want to die. but at the same time, i haven't killed myself yet, or even tried to, beyond thinking about dates and methods, so that should signify that something about sensation appeals to me.

 

[Plentiful_Despair]

Yes. I don't know why I'm still here tbh, I tried many times to pull the trigger, but somethings still missing to push me. If I need to work again I'm sure I will do it, because that would be the worst thing for me

 

[whydidthishappen]

Even if I stayed, I would be failing and dying alone with complex trauma. i did undoable damage to myself and I can't fend for myself anymore I have become all but a hermit afraid of everything except 3 grocery stores and some parks. Work is too taxing when you feel like you don't even belong in your own body. I had someone recently refer to it as being a weakling, and perhaps.

 

[brokeandbroken]

**i don't mean this in the weird, invalidating "don't kill yourself!!! you don't want to die, you just want to stop feeling sad!!!" way that other people present it in.
please read the rest of this

i know this question might sound stupid, but i wanted to see if anyone else felt the way that i do. also, it's a weird thing to talk about anywhere else.

i've stated it a million times, but i genuinely don't want to die. all of my previous attempts and plans to ctb were never about me wanting to die—it's about me needing to die. there's just no way for me to be happy in this life. i want to live a long life that's full of love and happiness, and i wouldn't even be on this site if i believed that was possible. that's one of the reasons why ctb has been a difficult thing for me to do. i don't want to die, i need to. i can't be miserable for the rest of my life, but there's nothing but misery in my future, so i need to die. i'll probably want to die someday, i dunno.

i've heard a lot of people say that they don't want to live. regardless of their pain and struggles, they don't want to be alive because they simply have no interest in living. that's understable, i'm not dismissing anyone who feels this way. you shouldn't have to live if you don't want to, even if your life is great in general.

so, yeah, i'm just wondering which side everyone falls on, if any.

(of course, you're valid no matter what you want. whether you've been through some terrible shit and still want to live, you've had a happy life without troubles but still want to die, etc... it's all valid.)

I'm not going to retype my whole story but with everything stolen from me literally. The way my life is currently yeah I want to die. If people wrote the things that give their lives meaning or reasons to get up in the morning my life has none of those. I eat shitty terrible food because it's all I can afford that makes you feel terrible, I'm staying in a shitty, gross, disgusting, terrible place. And I have no purpose. And it's because someone decided to steal everything from me and undid all the good choices I made in my life. So yeah I think I have the potential to enjoy life. Right now currently. If things don't change I will CTB because I'm so far passed miserable it's not even funny. I want this hell to be over.

 

[complex]

If I didn't have crippling treatment resistant mental illness that stole my childhood and is now years into stealing my adult life as well, I would love to stay alive. I have passions. Up until recently I was working in a career I love but had to quit due to my mental illnesses destroying my physical health. I'm still in school to further that career. I have hobbies that I love but no longer have the energy for. When I'm in a good headspace I find a lot of meaning in friends and family and relationships. If mental illness didn't steal it all from me then I would have a very fulfilling life. In that sense, no I don't want to die. But I am out of treatment options and have been for years. I know the odds of me ever recovering to the point where life is worth it are very slim. And I do not wish to wait around on the slim chance. In that sense, yes I do want to die. The benefits due not outweigh the risks.

This is am exactly where I feel i am at xx

 

[GuessWhosBack]

I would like to live a life worth living, but this isn't one of them.

 

[kiki <3]

i do not think i am fit for this world for so many different reasons. however... i have experienced genuine joy before. i have experienced love, care and kindness.

i have been going through this weird period in my life for about 2 years where i do not... experience these things anymore. it feels permanent. it is a really weird time for me lol. the hope i have left in me keeps telling me that this is indeed transitional and everything that i had put up with, and am putting up with will all be worth it one day. that joy, love, care and kindness will return. and while life will still be the way it is, at least i will something to keep me around. be somewhere where i am needed and wanted, you know?

the question is, how much longer can i wait? how much longer can my body and mind endure until i give out, and i lose all hope?

while i would much prefer to go out and no longer endure, i still want to see how much i can take. curiosity, stubbornness, fear... all combined in one.

i care too much to go now. i want my love and happiness back.