Venting Maybe all of this just isn't real

[Polyxo]

I have a privileged life, a loving family, but I want to die. I already ordered SN and am planning to get anti emetics to make sure it kills me once my CTB date comes. Despite it all, maybe I'm just having a temper tantrum. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful child and a bad daughter/sister/friend. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just failing because I'm too cowardly. Do I want to die because I'm lazy and just don't want to do the hard thing that's living like everyone else? Maybe I'm not even mentally ill. Doesn't everyone fantasize about suicide at some point in their lives? Could be that I'm just overdramatic. I have never gone to a therapist in my life to be diagnosed with anything. I don't think therapy will fix me. I want to fix myself by dying. It's the answer I've chosen.

 

[Pale_Rider]

Maybe it's just growing pains?

 

[Renato]

Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just failing because I'm too cowardly. Do I want to die because I'm lazy and just don't want to do the hard thing that's living like everyone else?

I wonder about stuff like that too, sometimes. Of course I'm not in other (normal) people's mind so I don't know how common certain thoughts are but I believe that there is a difference between having a vague thought a couple of times in a lifetime versus having recurring ideations from childhood to adult life. I happen to be in the latter case and even if I never actually attempted I definitely feel a suicidal person in general: I need to know that I can escape especially now that I fell more exhausted by the day.

 

[Foxcompany2nd3rd]

I want to CTB myself, yet im perfectly health physically and mentally(im not crazy nut job crazy), and not homeless. Its a phenomenon I cannot explain, other than I think even though our bodies and minds work, that our spirits are broken. The spirit wants to be free of the body, but the body is fighting tooth and nail to hold onto it.

 

[Polyxo]

Maybe it's just growing pains?

It doesn't feel like I'm growing into anything

 

[cookiencream]

I have a privileged life, a loving family, but I want to die. I already ordered SN and am planning to get anti emetics to make sure it kills me once my CTB date comes. Despite it all, maybe I'm just having a temper tantrum. Maybe I'm just an ungrateful child and a bad daughter/sister/friend. Maybe I'm just lazy. Maybe I'm just failing because I'm too cowardly. Do I want to die because I'm lazy and just don't want to do the hard thing that's living like everyone else? Maybe I'm not even mentally ill. Doesn't everyone fantasize about suicide at some point in their lives? Could be that I'm just overdramatic. I have never gone to a therapist in my life to be diagnosed with anything. I don't think therapy will fix me. I want to fix myself by dying. It's the answer I've chosen.

Dying is harder than living, people who say living is harder have never actually tried to die. Everything in you wants you to live, you're wired for it, going against it will always be harder. (Btw this isn't an attack on you, I just want you to know you're not weak or cowardly)

 

[Wolf Girl]

Do you have the resources to get a full evaluation by a psychologist or neuropsychologist? I agree that talk therapy doesn't help, but getting a real full psych eval after 20 years was very helpful for me because it was like 30 pages of "here's how your individual brain works."

 

[AnimeSlayersFan]

You die either way. Doesn't matter what you do. If you wanna ctb early go do it, but if you wanna delay it and try "life" you can also do that.
It's the funniest thing ever how we fight our minds this much. It doesn't matter, you will die, like actually die, be it today, tomorrow or in 50 years. And you are given the choice to get as far as you want, and end it when you want. That's the beauty of life. That you can make that choice in isolation, no one else can choose for you. It's the ultimate Uno reverse card that you hold with yourself. FOREVER. Like no one can take that away from you, and as long as the option of suicide is there, life is easier to bear. In your situation I'd say do both, study up on suicide, methods, psychology, whatever, then, also try a lil sip of life, see if you like it, if you find you can or can't bear the taste of it, drink from different wells too. Life is not ONE thing, but different things to try.

I'm gonna go inspirational on this one right here but:
"No matter how broke you are, you can always buy a noose."

Meaning, you can't never be "late" to suicide. There's no real "rush". Everything is just in your mind.
Eating you up from the inside. Breathe. Clean up the trash you have up there. Then you go back to logic, and the logic is simple:

"You can always kill yourself. In the mean time, whatchu doin?"

Because that is life in a way, the period before:
A: You kill yourself
B: Someone or something kills you

That's it.

I think that the closer we are to this truth, the better life we can live, because at any day as we wake up we can choose to kill ourselves or not that day, it's a choice. Full control over your life, every single day, for the rest of your life. Sounds nice ain't?

Also, I don't think you need a "proper reason" to ctb, who defines that? You could do it because you didn't like the taste of your morning coffee and that would be fine.
Same as if you were to eat up enormous hardships in life. Cause it doesn't matter.
No one is "really" keeping score.
Your life, your choice.

Man I love SaSu. My favorite place to be in.

 

[Warriorsfan]

For me my psychologist saved my life so many times by just talking things through. He was best ever. God bless him. He is giving speeches now around the world about mindful meditation. I didn't even realize he did that until I googled him. He was so smart and so easy going.
I have a new psycholgist now and can talk freely with him. He is great! I wish I found him earlier in my life.
Because I just want to die now.
But I still force myself to go see him.