Do you hate yourself?

[FuneralCry]

I hate living this life and being alive. I am tired of being me. My hate is not directed towards myself exactly, but rather existence in general. All my problems are caused by the fact that I was born in the first place. I dislike the society that takes away the peaceful methods and denies us a right to die. I deserve better than this life, I deserve peace.

 

[idiot_dad]

I genuinely hate myself, and I have for a long time. I've been ashamed of myself for as long as I can remember, I think it stems from my strict religious upbringing.

 

[Ch92921]

Hate is the wrong word, but I see myself as worthless.

 

[motel rooms]

You have to understand that you have as much reason to hate someone who did something wrong under the influence of hypnosis, mind altering drugs, or a mental disease as you have reason to hate anyone else because there is fundamentally no difference. The fact some people seem to be more in control than others is just an illusion when you think about it. A tumour in a brain is easily to spot so if a person becomes a child rapist or a murderer as a result of it, it's easy to point it out and claim the person didn't have free will to act otherwise. It would be deeply unfair and unreasonable to hate such people since they're in fact the victims themselves.

But if a person doesn't have a tumour but instead myriads of smaller factors (all beyond that person's control) pile up and result in the same outcome then we somehow pretend like it was an act of free will.

So even if I instinctively feel negative emotions or a sense of guilt, I know deep down what the actual truth is. Evil is just a disease we still have no cure for. One day it will be a piece of common knowledge.

I understand exactly what you're saying, I'm familiar with hard determinism, but humans are largely irrational beings. My father raped me for almost a decade as a boy & I can't help but hate him with every fiber of my being even though I know that absolute free will is an illusion & people consider me a pretty cerebral guy. If you had been savagely molested during your formative years & if you suffered from flashbacks & nightmares of abuse on a daily basis, I guarantee you that you wouldn't be as sensible & indifferently objective as you are/claim to be.

 

[Blue_mist]

I have encountered a lot of people in SS who say they hate themselves...

For me, personally, this is a concept I don't quite understand, and if you do hate yourself, would you mind trying to explain me why?

The reason it is hard for me to understand is that my hatred/indignation/revolt has always been directed "externally", which means for example that when I thought I was ugly, I wasn't angry at me specifically, but I was angry at society for setting stupid beauty standards, or angry at whoever/whatever had put me into the world to suffer...

When I came to the conclusion I was gay, I also didn't hate myself for that. Specially because I had done nothing wrong, I was just made this way. Of course I felt ashamed, I used to try to hide it, but I never blamed myself for it.

Whenever I didn't go well in some test in school I also didn't hate myself, I hated the fact that I had to do the test in the first place.

Don't get me wrong... I am not saying I go about blaming everything/everyone else for my shit/shortcomings... I know of my responsibility towards my own well being, society etc. It is just that I don't direct any hatred towards me, because tbh, deep down I don't think I really have any control whatsoever, I didn't even decide I would be born, so why would I be angry at myself for something I cannot be blamed for?

Well, but if you do direct hate feelings towards yourself, feel free to share about it so I can try to understand it better from your perspective ;)

Thanks!

I don't hate myself, i just feel sorry for myself

 

[NaughtyGirl]

I understand exactly what you're saying, I'm familiar with hard determinism, but humans are largely irrational beings. My father raped me for almost a decade as a boy & I can't help but hate him with every fiber of my being even though I know that absolute free will is an illusion & people consider me a pretty cerebral guy. If you had been savagely molested during your formative years & if you suffered from flashbacks & nightmares of abuse on a daily basis, I guarantee you that you wouldn't be as sensible & indifferently objective as you are/claim to be.

Obviously, no amount of logic, reason and philosophy can strip us of our human nature, especially in the spur of the moment. But that's a little bit like saying to someone who claims to practice stoicism that "if someone REALLY annoyed you, you'd still feel irritated". Yes, but what does it tell us? Only that we're only humans.

I'm 25 and I think I only ever once seriously told someone that I hate them. I said it to my grandmother. She had a stroke but remains conscious and understands a lot. She has this habit of constantly crying which she didn't have right after she left the hospital. But she figured out that if she cries, my mother would give her whatever she wanted. So now she can make loud crying noises for hours. Every day. For years. That's one nasty thing she's doing, there are more. So many times I wanted to beat the absolute shit out of her because she's ruining our lives. So on one day when she particularly pissed me off I told her I hated her. At least I'm pretty sure I did say it. But when I later sat down I remembered that it's all just very unlucky. That she's not really guilty of anything. I also definitely had moments when I failed like a failure and felt like I was solely responsible for all my problems. But ultimately I know I'm just unlucky. Btw, if you think that it's cruel or unfair of me to act like that because she had a stroke, then well, read my previous comments.

I genuinely believe that all people we call evil are just unlucky victims of their genes, environments, upbringing and of myriads of small factors all of which lead to them doing the thing they did. No one wakes up in the morning and suddenly decides "ok, now I freely choose to want to kill or rape someone, let's do it!".

There is nothing in your comment that I really disagree with because we're still just humans. Although I have a hard time imagining myself hating someone after the fact. You know, I have a final letter written down already. And even though my suicidal thoughts first appeared after my dad called me a parasite and said I should leave the house and even though his comments throughout the years were absolutely crushing my soul because he has absolutely no idea how to talk to someone like me, guess what I wrote in the letter. I said that my decision to ctb is no one's fault. And no one is guilty. That's what I believe deep down. At this point it's like math to me. It doesn't matter how I feel about pythagorean theorem. Once I see a formal proof of it I know it to be true. And even if for some reason I felt bad about, it, I'd still know that it's true.

By the way, I'm not. A hard determinist. Quantum fluctuations appear to be random. But that doesn't change a thing. Free will is just incomprehensible.

 

[LivvenDe]

I understand exactly what you're saying, I'm familiar with hard determinism, but humans are largely irrational beings. My father raped me for almost a decade as a boy & I can't help but hate him with every fiber of my being even though I know that absolute free will is an illusion & people consider me a pretty cerebral guy. If you had been savagely molested during your formative years & if you suffered from flashbacks & nightmares of abuse on a daily basis, I guarantee you that you wouldn't be as sensible & indifferently objective as you are/claim to be.

I am awfully sorry this has happened to you!!

 

[HelloAllYouPeople]

Barely. The one thing I'm glad to learn from my dad is how to be a self-absorbed loser. Have I done mistakes? Yes. Can I be a much better person right now? Probably.
But I just dont care, really. I guess I very much love myself. I'm tired of rise and grind and grit I'll have to pull if I need to keep living. So suicide it is :)

 

[motel rooms]

I genuinely believe that all people we call evil are just unlucky victims of their genes, environments, upbringing and of myriads of small factors all of which lead to them doing the thing they did. No one wakes up in the morning and suddenly decides "ok, now I freely choose to want to kill or rape someone, let's do it!".

Is knowing that supposed to console & cure me & other victims of sadists? Because it doesn't help me one bit. I'm online friends with many people who've learned that their abusers were abused themselves, but they still can't force themselves to forgive. Also, I disagree that everyone we call evil is just an unlucky victim of their genes & environment. Many such people get to lead perfectly pleasant, remorse-free lives, so they're actually quite lucky products of their g&e.

There is nothing in your comment that I really disagree with because we're still just humans. Although I have a hard time imagining myself hating someone after the fact.

But there is no "after the fact" for people who suffer from PTSD. Don't you understand what extremely vivid, never-ending flashbacks & nightmares are? I'm 40 & my father is dead & buried, but he still rapes & beats me every day...

You know, I have a final letter written down already. And even though my suicidal thoughts first appeared after my dad called me a parasite and said I should leave the house and even though his comments throughout the years were absolutely crushing my soul because he has absolutely no idea how to talk to someone like me, guess what I wrote in the letter. I said that my decision to ctb is no one's fault. And no one is guilty. That's what I believe deep down. At this point it's like math to me. It doesn't matter how I feel about pythagorean theorem. Once I see a formal proof of it I know it to be true. And even if for some reason I felt bad about, it, I'd still know that it's true.

It's like math to you at this point because you've become extremely detached from your feelings in order to protect yourself from emotional pain...

 

[Ch92921]

I don't hate myself, i just feel sorry for myself

The abbrevation SS always confuses me, because in history SS has a very bad meaning.

 

[NaughtyGirl]

Is knowing that supposed to console & cure me & other victims of sadists? Because it doesn't help me one bit. I'm online friends with many people who've learned that their abusers were abused themselves, but they still can't force themselves to forgive. Also, I disagree that everyone we call evil is just an unlucky victim of their genes & environment. Many such people get to lead perfectly pleasant, remorse-free lives, so they're actually quite lucky products of their g&e.



But there is no "after the fact" for people who suffer from PTSD. Don't you understand what extremely vivid, never-ending flashbacks & nightmares are? I'm 40 & my father is dead & buried, but he still rapes & beats me every day...



It's like math to you at this point because you've become extremely detached from your feelings in order to protect yourself from emotional pain...

I wasn't trying to console you at all. I brought that up because you seemed to question my commitment to my belief so it felt appropriate to exemplify how serious I am about it. It's not like I felt the need to prove anything, it just seemed like a logical way to respond. Also, it's not like I'm challenging your views, it's the opposite.

And yes, I wasn't specific enough. Some people who commit evil don't actually feel bad about it and they're perfectly comfortable in prison. So, since they're living rather comfortable lives they're not really unlucky. But from my understanding most criminals and evil doers aren't actually the happiest people on the planet so I guess I called them unlucky as a rule of thumb.

If there is never "after the fact" moment for you then what I said obviously doesn't apply to you.

It really is like a math though, my emotional detachment (which is 100% true btw) doesn't change that. The knowledge that free will is a hoax won't stop bringing me comfort and it won't stop reducing my negative emotions towards people no matter how strong they are. I'd have to be absolutely blinded by those emotions to the point of losing my mind to completely stop thinking about the reality of the situation. It's like knowing that every single person has effectively a brain tumour that influences their actions in that specific direction. it's like knowing that every person is actually hypnotized and that's why they do what they do. It's like knowing that every person is fundamentally as much responsible and worthy of blame for their action as an earthquake is. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings in any way, I'm just saying that from my perspective there is just no place for sincere and deep rooted hate in this world. I can't imagine the type of harm an earthquake would have to do to me for me to declare sincere and serious hatred towards it.

Even before I figured out the free will was just a hoax and even before I became detached and emotionally starved I was already more of an analytical person and I was always careful about using words and phrases such as love, hatred or close friend. So there is also that.

The abbrevation SS always confuses me, because in history SS has a very bad meaning.

Suicide is wrong confirmed

 

[meetapple]

Not really, except for a few things I have done in the best I have done the best I can. I feel that suicidal ideation is warranted. Anyone in my situation would feel the same way.

 

[Painless_end]

I just want to cease to exist. My mental structure which I can observe with detachment is problematic and irreparable.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

Yup. It's fine though, he hates me back so it's only fair.

 

[Nati]

I also don't really get it. Tbh I'm kinda grateful that I'm not like this. Yes.. I'm very suicidal with constant stream of thoughts about death but I feel like life is so much worse when you also hate yourself. I'm kinda emotionless in this aspect. I can't understand how people think they're ugly, stupid or useless. I guess it's like people can't understand how I feel about suicide.
Sometimes I wonder if I'd rather have those emotions. At least you feel something. Is it easier or harder than not caring? Most times I'm getting to the conclusion that I'm better without those feelings.
I see people write bad things about themselves and it just stings. In my brain I'm like "you're doing it to yourself. You decide if you're ugly and you decide to beat yourself for small mistakes" but I know it's the wrong thought to have. People will probably say the same about me being suicidal. It just shows how while we're all "the same" we're truly not. Every single person is a whole world of his own, even if there are some similarities.
I beg you.. You are suicidal? At least love yourself. Go to the mirror and pose to that beautiful body and appreciate your goodness. Don't be a dumbass thinking you're all bad.

 

[grungeCat]

I hate living this life and being alive. I am tired of being me. My hate is not directed towards myself exactly, but rather existence in general. All my problems are caused by the fact that I was born in the first place. I dislike the society that takes away the peaceful methods and denies us a right to die. I deserve better than this life, I deserve peace.

This is exactly how I feel about myself and existence. Well written.

 

[greebo6]

Yes , definitely .

 

[deadverysoon]

i dont hate myself. i hat this world and this judging society.

of course i aldo hatmany things i did wyen i hilurt people.

i would prefer to be a fucking asshole and do not remember what i sayd to people but every day i feel guilty and want to take that back.

but its not possible and that kills me (but mostly the.things of thr ladt two yrars)

 

[fox_wannabe]

I don't hate myself, i just feel sorry for myself

I hate living this life and being alive. I am tired of being me. My hate is not directed towards myself exactly, but rather existence in general. All my problems are caused by the fact that I was born in the first place. I dislike the society that takes away the peaceful methods and denies us a right to die. I deserve better than this life, I deserve peace.

Well I feel similar. I feel some sort of compassion for myself and for future self, or maybe fear about future. I cannot hate or love myself.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

I hate myself for being weak.
For being cursed.
For having failed in life.
For having dishonored my family even though I don't think they were actually good to me. They even betrayed me recently. I love them still.
For being ugly.

In the end, it always ends the same. I'm weak, incapable, insufficient, undesirable.
I am meant to be trashed away.


View attachment 75659

I know you believe all that, but I don't. None of it is true!!! Life is a bitch and has no mercy. But it doesn't mean you're not worthy of being happy!!!

 

[spiralling]

With ever ounce of my being.

 

[SleepDealer]

I hate living this life and being alive. I am tired of being me. My hate is not directed towards myself exactly, but rather existence in general. All my problems are caused by the fact that I was born in the first place. I dislike the society that takes away the peaceful methods and denies us a right to die. I deserve better than this life, I deserve peace.

Takes the words right out of my mouth. I agree so often with FuneralCry's responses that it's almost spooky.

I want to hug anyone who says they're ugly. It's a terribly sad reason to hate yourself...

 

[motel rooms]

It really is like a math though, my emotional detachment (which is 100% true btw) doesn't change that. The knowledge that free will is a hoax won't stop bringing me comfort and it won't stop reducing my negative emotions towards people no matter how strong they are. I'd have to be absolutely blinded by those emotions to the point of losing my mind to completely stop thinking about the reality of the situation. It's like knowing that every single person has effectively a brain tumour that influences their actions in that specific direction. it's like knowing that every person is actually hypnotized and that's why they do what they do. It's like knowing that every person is fundamentally as much responsible and worthy of blame for their action as an earthquake is. I'm not trying to invalidate your feelings in any way, I'm just saying that from my perspective there is just no place for sincere and deep rooted hate in this world.

I'm tempted to call you lucky for being able to derive comfort from your knowledge/perspective, but that would probably be in poor taste since you're still suffering enough to be suicidal...

 

[WrongPlaceWrongTime]

Hate existence for the problems it throws at me, hate myself for being incapable of dealing with them.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Yeah I completely hate myself. I'm ashamed of the person I am. And I have no choice but to ctb soon. There is absolutely no hope for my life to get better anymore

 

[Snake of Eden]

I hate myself more than anything. The only thing that could have remedied the situation is if I can somehow be someone else but thats impossible so I am stuck with myself

 

[bunnies]

i absolutely hate myself and am very in touch with all of my qualities that make me a terrible person. i hate when people try to tell me positive stuff about me because i just feel like a person who is fake. i haven't done anything good in my life and i've been a drain on every person who tried to love me.

 

[wanttodie]

I hate myself more than anything.

 

[haibiantou]

I genuinely hate myself, and I have for a long time. I've been ashamed of myself for as long as I can remember, I think it stems from my strict religious upbringing.

Yes I think the religious narrative that we are all inherently evil and debased can be very damaging

 

[BloodyNobody]

Yes, fully can't stand myself inside out. So frustrating being stuck with these feelings and thoughts in this fucking stupid body.