not feel. am.
am dead inside. died a couple months ago.
now need to kill the body.
what happened to you?
@thealteredmind In 2022 my life began to improve and for the first time I wanted to really wanted to live. It was so wonderful experiencing real happiness and not pretending to be.
Fast forward to 2023 it all came crashing down rapidly. In one year I had a long line string of things constantly going wrong for me starting from New Year's Day. These events have played a major role in why I want to kill myself had NONE of these events happened I wouldn't be making plans to kill myself.
New Year's day I was so upset at Heathrow Airport because I was forced to see my relatives overseas. I loved the Covid 19 pandemic because its was pure bliss freedom never seeing these relatives again due to travel restrictions. Growing up in a immigrant family my life has been spent visiting relatives in my parents home country ( African country)and I have always hated the trips since my teens. They were the worst summers of my life being stuck with relatives who dont care about me and constantly being forced to be something I am not. I grew to hate summer holidays because of these trips.
I can't even share my real feelings with my mother and grandmother.
During the stay we had a long line of things going wrong.
● National Power cuts the week we arrive
● The same week we arrived we are forced to move from our regular holiday accommodation due to the housing not being safe. Every trip we use this accommodation provider with NO problems
● My relatives as usual were just being so fake nice and entilted as hell. When we are in the UK these relatives show my family no respect but the minute we arrive in the country relatives are all interested in playing happy families. They do it because they want something they think because we are from the UK we have money and gifts.
● All I wanted was to go home and looking forward to the plane journey. Mid air our flight gets cancelled due to damage detected. I was so upset why out of ALL the planes the flight I am on gets to have problems.
February
● Heartbroken by 55 year old man who constantly kept playing mind games and constant lying
● Fired from my job. Before I got fired I was struggling at work. So much went wrong at work. Another
My confidence was absolutely destroyed. because all I became known as the colleague who messed up all the time and I never got to show what I was good at.
Even simple things I was good at I messed up.
April
● Eating disorder gets exposed after my mother decided to open my parcels and found the new diet pills I ordered.
● May
I get accepted into the university
June- August
● looking forward to going to university I was so ready to start and had all these plans
September
● Forced to defer
November
● House gets damaged due to repairmen not fixing things properly. It was simple repair job.
December
● Planned trip to go to Brussels which I was looking forward too got cancelled.
I finally couldn't cope anymore with nothing going right and everything going wrong with NO break. I have lost my ability to ever look forward to anything.