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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,543
Nowadays when I look in the mirror to see my eyes all I see is nothing deep inside. What I mean by nothing is no spark, no warmth, no joy and all I see tiredness. I don't recognise my reflection anymore all I see is a stranger behind the glass mirror.

When I was happy in Venince in the year 2022 my eyes felt warm and vibrant every time I looked at my reflection. For the first time that year I felt so alive and free.

2023 was the worst year of my life. Every good thing I was looking forward too got taken away from me and all I had since New Year's Day was things constantly going wrong for me even simple things went wrong too. That year finally broke me as a person. This year I finally can't cope anymore with the fact I once had everything going well for me at 25 in 2023 and I lost it all in 2023.

Does anyone feel dead inside ?
 
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remluvr

remluvr

Trying to Find Forever peace.
Jun 17, 2024
33
I feel like i've died a long time ago
 
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A

Aloneandinpain

Student
Dec 25, 2023
123
I'm just very lonely and tired. I think there's a bit of life left sometimes.

I'm not dead inside, but I'm not really living life either. I just exist really.
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Student
Jun 2, 2024
120
Been dead. I'm just imitating life.
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,543
I feel like i've died a long time ago
@remluvr I think depression kills your soul before you physically kill yourself. More and more everyday I feel like I am dying. I have no fight anymore in me.
 
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remluvr

remluvr

Trying to Find Forever peace.
Jun 17, 2024
33
@remluvr I think depression kills your soul before you physically kill yourself. More and more everyday I feel like I am dying. I have no fight anymore in me.
Exactly, its a horrible thing to have to live with.
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,543
Been dead. I'm just imitating life.
@opheliaoveragain This is what non mentally ill people do not understand.

Non mentally ill people think it's so easy to see a therapist and shallow some anti depressants. These people just don't get it how hard a suicidal and depressed person really tries to live, achieve recovery and find freedom from their illness.

I really tried so hard to give myself a good life and be happy because that is all I ever wanted. I was so happy in 2022 then fast forward to 2023 it all went wrong. The events of last year finally has driven me to suicide.

People in my life constantly invalidate and dismissed me whenever I opened up. These people told me everything I am gojng through is " a reason". Nobody wanted to listen whenever I cried and reached out.
 
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feelinggloomy

feelinggloomy

Student
May 29, 2024
185
I died when my son died so absolutely I'm dead inside. Like someone said … I'm just imitating life until I can CTB
 
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H

hematomatema

Member
Feb 29, 2024
58
I'm just very lonely and tired. I think there's a bit of life left sometimes.

I'm not dead inside, but I'm not really living life either. I just exist really.
This. I don't really think anyone 'dies' inside, at least not entirely or at least not until they're on their death bed, but I think you stop 'living' after a certain point. No thriving, no enjoyment, at least long-lasting, just surviving. At the same time though, there are bits of me still going and wanting to live but god it's so fucking tiring, and that willpower never lasts long.
 
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opheliaoveragain

opheliaoveragain

Student
Jun 2, 2024
120
@opheliaoveragain This is what non mentally ill people do not understand.

Non mentally ill people think it's so easy to see a therapist and shallow some anti depressants. These people just don't get it how hard a suicidal and depressed person really tries to live, achieve recovery and find freedom from their illness.

I really tried so hard to give myself a good life and be happy because that is all I ever wanted. I was so happy in 2022 then fast forward to 2023 it all went wrong. The events of last year finally has driven me to suicide.

People in my life constantly invalidate and dismissed me whenever I opened up. These people told me everything I am gojng through is " a reason". Nobody wanted to listen whenever I cried and reached out.
I can def relate, it's an obvious but bitter feeling piece of advice when people here advise you of ways to not arouse suspicion, which I do not disagree with unless the persons choice changes, of course. But when you are loud and screaming to everyone you know, no one can truly do anything bc they are just a few clicks away from being where you are themselves, even if they are deep in denial
 
FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,543
I died when my son died so absolutely I'm dead inside. Like someone said … I'm just imitating life until I can CTB
@feelinggloomy Rest In Peace to your son. A parent losing a child is the worst pain a parent has to go through. US president Joe Biden is the most powerful man in the world with everything but still he misses his late son Beau Biden everyday. I don't know where you are from, Biden had a son who died of Cancer in 2015. This was the reason why he didn't run for president in 2016.

It's really sad how Joe Biden talks about his late son. Biden described Beau as "his soul". Its is so clear Biden deeply loved his son. He even tells people he encounters stories of his son.

Joe Biden politics is quite polarising but the way he talks about losing his son he just shows the true pain of losing a child and how it can change a person's world forever.
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,543
This. I don't really think anyone 'dies' inside, at least not entirely or at least not until they're on their death bed, but I think you stop 'living' after a certain point. No thriving, no enjoyment, at least long-lasting, just surviving. At the same time though, there are bits of me still going and wanting to live but god it's so fucking tiring, and that willpower never lasts long.
@hematomatema sometimes I feel like being suicidal is like having a doppelganger within you that stalks, torments and eventually takes over your life completely. I don't feel like me anymore. I can feel myself dying slowly everyday
I can def relate, it's an obvious but bitter feeling piece of advice when people here advise you of ways to not arouse suspicion, which I do not disagree with unless the persons choice changes, of course. But when you are loud and screaming to everyone you know, no one can truly do anything bc they are just a few clicks away from being where you are themselves, even if they are deep in denial
@opheliaoveragain One of the worst things about mental illness is nobody cares until ypu actually die. Everyone sees mental illness as an inconvenience and annoyance to their perfect normal lives. I have experienced this regularly

● I took a 2 month break from a politics discord server I am very active in after having a mental breakdown after my 27th birthday. I came to discuss the UK general election results. When I mentioned why I was away the first person to respond to my comment said " nobody asked"

Everyone else in the server just let him make the arsehole comment. Most people didn't even notice I was gone and I have always been an active user who interacts with everyone.

● I have had my family members complain about how I am making their lives difficult by being depressed. My mum guilt tripped me to the max.

● I have lost friends at university when I reached out and opened up about suicidal thoughts.
 
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thealteredmind

thealteredmind

Experienced
Apr 2, 2024
231
not feel. am.
am dead inside. died a couple months ago.
now need to kill the body.

what happened to you?
 
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Nlis2244

Nlis2244

Alone
May 13, 2022
128
I don't think I am. I'm not really living, my life is just existence in a void of loneliness, but inside I'm still alive, unfortunately. I wish I could become apathetic to everything.
 
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Dr Iron Arc

Dr Iron Arc

Into the Unknown
Feb 10, 2020
20,139
Unfortunately no. If I was fully dead inside I could actually get up and do something to end my misery. At the same time I'm not fully alive either so I'm still unable to cause any change in the positive direction either unfortunately…
 
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FireFox

FireFox

Enlightened
Apr 8, 2020
1,543
not feel. am.
am dead inside. died a couple months ago.
now need to kill the body.

what happened to you?
@thealteredmind In 2022 my life began to improve and for the first time I wanted to really wanted to live. It was so wonderful experiencing real happiness and not pretending to be.

Fast forward to 2023 it all came crashing down rapidly. In one year I had a long line string of things constantly going wrong for me starting from New Year's Day. These events have played a major role in why I want to kill myself had NONE of these events happened I wouldn't be making plans to kill myself.

New Year's day I was so upset at Heathrow Airport because I was forced to see my relatives overseas. I loved the Covid 19 pandemic because its was pure bliss freedom never seeing these relatives again due to travel restrictions. Growing up in a immigrant family my life has been spent visiting relatives in my parents home country ( African country)and I have always hated the trips since my teens. They were the worst summers of my life being stuck with relatives who dont care about me and constantly being forced to be something I am not. I grew to hate summer holidays because of these trips.

I can't even share my real feelings with my mother and grandmother.

During the stay we had a long line of things going wrong.

● National Power cuts the week we arrive
● The same week we arrived we are forced to move from our regular holiday accommodation due to the housing not being safe. Every trip we use this accommodation provider with NO problems

● My relatives as usual were just being so fake nice and entilted as hell. When we are in the UK these relatives show my family no respect but the minute we arrive in the country relatives are all interested in playing happy families. They do it because they want something they think because we are from the UK we have money and gifts.

● All I wanted was to go home and looking forward to the plane journey. Mid air our flight gets cancelled due to damage detected. I was so upset why out of ALL the planes the flight I am on gets to have problems.

February
● Heartbroken by 55 year old man who constantly kept playing mind games and constant lying
● Fired from my job. Before I got fired I was struggling at work. So much went wrong at work. Another

My confidence was absolutely destroyed. because all I became known as the colleague who messed up all the time and I never got to show what I was good at.

Even simple things I was good at I messed up.

April
● Eating disorder gets exposed after my mother decided to open my parcels and found the new diet pills I ordered.

● May
I get accepted into the university

June- August
● looking forward to going to university I was so ready to start and had all these plans

September
● Forced to defer

November
● House gets damaged due to repairmen not fixing things properly. It was simple repair job.

December
● Planned trip to go to Brussels which I was looking forward too got cancelled.

I finally couldn't cope anymore with nothing going right and everything going wrong with NO break. I have lost my ability to ever look forward to anything.
 
T

timetodie24

Mage
Apr 14, 2023
511
Yes, feel like I died inside a long time ago and now my body just needs to catch up
 
MyaMia

MyaMia

Member
Aug 21, 2023
5
I don't remember the last time I felt like I was a person, most days I just feel like meat that moves.

There's no joy, just an emptiness going through all the motions of being a person.
 
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Dark Moon

Dark Moon

Wizard
Sep 21, 2022
677
Yep, I just exist at this point. I'm not truly living, it's difficult to change my situation and also to ctb.
 
Lookingtoflyfree

Lookingtoflyfree

Student
Jan 11, 2024
194
I feel like i've died a long time ago
Same. Multiple traumas just have taken more and more of me, and replaced 'me' with this ghost who wants to be dead.

CPTSD has meant sexual assault, physical assault, emotional abuse and that's just the relationships. I feel like such a shell of the naive person I was. I really feel like death will be such a release. To not feel trauma any more sounds wonderful. When the time comes I know I'll be relaxed and finally feel calm in my soul.

I can't wait.
 
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thealteredmind

thealteredmind

Experienced
Apr 2, 2024
231
@thealteredmind In 2022 my life began to improve and for the first time I wanted to really wanted to live. It was so wonderful experiencing real happiness and not pretending to be.

Fast forward to 2023 it all came crashing down rapidly. In one year I had a long line string of things constantly going wrong for me starting from New Year's Day. These events have played a major role in why I want to kill myself had NONE of these events happened I wouldn't be making plans to kill myself.

New Year's day I was so upset at Heathrow Airport because I was forced to see my relatives overseas. I loved the Covid 19 pandemic because its was pure bliss freedom never seeing these relatives again due to travel restrictions. Growing up in a immigrant family my life has been spent visiting relatives in my parents home country ( African country)and I have always hated the trips since my teens. They were the worst summers of my life being stuck with relatives who dont care about me and constantly being forced to be something I am not. I grew to hate summer holidays because of these trips.

I can't even share my real feelings with my mother and grandmother.

During the stay we had a long line of things going wrong.

● National Power cuts the week we arrive
● The same week we arrived we are forced to move from our regular holiday accommodation due to the housing not being safe. Every trip we use this accommodation provider with NO problems

● My relatives as usual were just being so fake nice and entilted as hell. When we are in the UK these relatives show my family no respect but the minute we arrive in the country relatives are all interested in playing happy families. They do it because they want something they think because we are from the UK we have money and gifts.

● All I wanted was to go home and looking forward to the plane journey. Mid air our flight gets cancelled due to damage detected. I was so upset why out of ALL the planes the flight I am on gets to have problems.

February
● Heartbroken by 55 year old man who constantly kept playing mind games and constant lying
● Fired from my job. Before I got fired I was struggling at work. So much went wrong at work. Another

My confidence was absolutely destroyed. because all I became known as the colleague who messed up all the time and I never got to show what I was good at.

Even simple things I was good at I messed up.

April
● Eating disorder gets exposed after my mother decided to open my parcels and found the new diet pills I ordered.

● May
I get accepted into the university

June- August
● looking forward to going to university I was so ready to start and had all these plans

September
● Forced to defer

November
● House gets damaged due to repairmen not fixing things properly. It was simple repair job.

December
● Planned trip to go to Brussels which I was looking forward too got cancelled.

I finally couldn't cope anymore with nothing going right and everything going wrong with NO break. I have lost my ability to ever look forward to anything.
that sounds bad...

but I have to admit that it doesn't look like the end of the world. bad string of events... so what? your life wasn't all the time like that. it was just a year or two. get out of this forum. what are you doing here? the things that happened to you have solution.

unless you have some crippling mental disease or extreme pain... then yeah I would understand. I'm talking things with NO solution.

you can move forward.

but hey that's just me

good luck
 
N

Not a Cylon

Blah
Jun 27, 2024
46
I don't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm so tired of feeling tired.
 
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Lookingtoflyfree

Lookingtoflyfree

Student
Jan 11, 2024
194
that sounds bad...

but I have to admit that it doesn't look like the end of the world. bad string of events... so what? your life wasn't all the time like that. it was just a year or two. get out of this forum. what are you doing here? the things that happened to you have solution.

unless you have some crippling mental disease or extreme pain... then yeah I would understand. I'm talking things with NO solution.

you can move forward.

but hey that's just me

good luck
I flagged this to the mods. To say 'get out, what are you doing here' to someone in pain is absolutely unacceptable.
 
BrokeN__lil’__girl

BrokeN__lil’__girl

dead_inside
May 10, 2023
321
I'm sorry to hear about your misfortune and pain… I know it's such a huge cliche to say that and I'm not trying to be dismissive: but you're still very young, which trust me, coming from an old person, is important. And if you have it in you, please try not to give up just yet. There's still time.

I still cry a lot every single day think it's due to chemical imbalance in my brain. Unfortunately, I'm not dead inside yet…. Maybe one day I'll be dead inside and out 👀
 
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C

ChangeWaiter

Member
Oct 23, 2023
44
that sounds bad...

but I have to admit that it doesn't look like the end of the world. bad string of events... so what? your life wasn't all the time like that. it was just a year or two. get out of this forum. what are you doing here? the things that happened to you have solution.

unless you have some crippling mental disease or extreme pain... then yeah I would understand. I'm talking things with NO solution.

you can move forward.

but hey that's just me

good luck
I can agree with that, a bad string of events doesn't make it unsolvable. Although I do also see that everyone's experience is different.
 
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vadim

vadim

Disqualified From Being Human
Aug 10, 2023
103
I don't think I am. I'm not really living, my life is just existence in a void of loneliness, but inside I'm still alive, unfortunately. I wish I could become apathetic to everything.
I feel this way too. I would describe the way I feel as the opposite to "dead inside".

It's like I have this intense inner restlessness that's screaming at me to do something about my shitty life I can't bear to live, but I'm trapped inside a body that's dead and won't let me do anything. I still have desires and aspirations, I'm not okay with any of this and want to make a change but I lack the ability to stir this useless husk to action.
 
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V

Velvetwhisper

Member
Jul 10, 2024
7
Nowadays when I look in the mirror to see my eyes all I see is nothing deep inside. What I mean by nothing is no spark, no warmth, no joy and all I see tiredness. I don't recognise my reflection anymore all I see is a stranger behind the glass mirror.

When I was happy in Venince in the year 2022 my eyes felt warm and vibrant every time I looked at my reflection. For the first time that year I felt so alive and free.

2023 was the worst year of my life. Every good thing I was looking forward too got taken away from me and all I had since New Year's Day was things constantly going wrong for me even simple things went wrong too. That year finally broke me as a person. This year I finally can't cope anymore with the fact I once had everything going well for me at 25 in 2023 and I lost it all in 2023.

Does anyone feel dead inside ?
Yes, I've felt dead inside for the past few years. Ever since 2019 nothing has ever been the same since. All I do now is just eat, sleep, rinse and repeat...
 

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