I feel this way too. I would describe the way I feel as the opposite to "dead inside".
It's like I have this intense inner restlessness that's screaming at me to do something about my shitty life I can't bear to live, but I'm trapped inside a body that's dead and won't let me do anything. I still have desires and aspirations, I'm not okay with any of this and want to make a change but I lack the ability to stir this useless husk to action.
@vadim My body no longer feels under my control but under the control of something else, a darker entity. Everyday I feel it. Its a meancing presence that won't go away.
Having an eating disorder along with suicidal thoughts feels like having a doppelganger within you that stalks, shadows your life and slowly works to steal everything good you have in your life until it finally takes over your life.
As grow older I realise now people die from suicide not because their bodies succumbed to the illness but because the illness, the doppelganger won in taking total dominance of that person's body, mind and soul.
Happened to Sinead O'Connor, too
I spent my life trying to fit in & can't. I no longer have the will. Once my dogs go I have my ticket. Humans have been merciless in my experience here.
@Pricelessadvice What I hate about society is how we can't have a real and open conversation about suicide. How we treat people matters but people in society dont want to take responsibility for their behaviour. We live in a shallow self centred society where people don't want to empathise with peoples suffering and geniuley connect with others.
On a previous discord group I used to belong the moderator accused me of " pro suicide" talk when I just said " people get shocked when someone kills themselves but what we're they expecting to happen ? Why should a person live in a world where nobody cares about them nor thier problems" I was criticising society lack of care for others which does lead to people ending thier lives.
The moderator was a femcel bully who was always hostile towards me and spoke to me in therapy speak.
I don't even look at myself in the mirror anymore. I'm so tired of feeling tired.
@Not a Cylon same here. When I go into public I can't enjoy things anymore. Nothing makes me happy anymore. I am now a shell of myself.