Discussion Do any of you also have childhood onset depression?

[writhe]

My mental health first became known to my family when I was 9, after I had wrote a note and "attempted" (a poor attempt at that, since I was a kid). Needless to say I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since i was at least 8, and honestly I don't meet a lot of people with this same experience. I can't even remember a specific trigger other than my mom's mediocre parenting, and since I have ADHD (and my therapist suspects mild autism) I'm thinking I may have been genetically predisposed. My childhood was robbed from me, my teen years are over, I turn 20 next year. Anyone else?

 

[thelostautistic]

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this since you were so young. My depression started when I was around 12. I can't really remember what triggered it either.

 

[LostZombie]

Yeah I feel you with that one

I've has Suicidal Ideation for as long as I can remember, its a disease that eats away at you like cancer; just like it you can cure it, but its will never truly gone. Depression, SI, and all those other things are problems I had to contend with at 8 years old, and it runs in the family too so the SI ain't going anywhere for me.

So just know you aren't the only one.

 

[sayoriiii]

Yeah lol i first thought about ctb when i was like 11 started sh around the same time :/ blows

 

[GoneTomorrow]

Same here. I first seriously thought about CTB at age 11, and all the medical professionals could say was that I was "too young to feel this way". I feel like it has a big part to play in how it ruined my teens and subsequently my adult life, so yeah, you're far from being alone in this.

 

[GoldenTicket]

23 here, almost 24, I can heavily relate to this I feel, I remember thinking about suicide at age 9, perhaps younger, don't know what triggered such a thing at an age, but I'm sure that's the age my depression started, suicidal ideation has followed me strongly since then. I was bullied heavily as a kid in both primary and high-school, also experienced sexual abuse very young/other related traumas, but depression also runs in the family aswell, my father was suicidal himself and he had attempts, so it's hard to truly say. But it's always followed me like an unwanted pest.

Even with all the help I've gotten over the years it's never truly gone away, I don't think it's something I can recover from, just live with.

 

[eggsausagerice]

i've always been very sad as a kid. the kind of sad where i would frown constantly and cry because i felt alone and like even if i explained how sad i felt no one would understand, since the adults around me didn't think that kids were capable of feeling constantly depressed and miserable. people always saw me frowning. i was ditzy. i got bullied, but i didn't get bullied in high school because the people in my class assumed i was on the spectrum and thought it would be ableist. the same feeling of acute loneliness and self loathing followed me to my adult years and it sucked all the motivation out of me because i stopped believing i would get better. the only thing that makes me feel calm is the thought of not being here anymore. i wish i knew someone that wanted to die too. i have to lie to everyone.

the loneliness is/was the most painful thing because of how badly i wanted to express how i felt when i was younger. i think that if i googled how to tie a noose even once in middle school or high school i would've died in the same night. in middle school i didn't understand suicidality or consciousness beyond knowing that when i was unconscious i was felt calm and i wasn't being judged or yelled at. i think that being a middle schooler with depression and anxiety is really stress inducing because people just think you're being a spoiled brat or you're acting up for attention. it's also much easier you to get taken advantage of and for no one to take you seriously.

 

[writhe]

23 here, almost 24, I can heavily relate to this I feel, I remember thinking about suicide at age 9, perhaps younger, don't know what triggered such a thing at an age, but I'm sure that's the age my depression started, suicidal ideation has followed me strongly since then. I was bullied heavily as a kid in both primary and high-school, also experienced sexual abuse very young/other related traumas, but depression also runs in the family aswell, my father was suicidal himself and he had attempts, so it's hard to truly say. But it's always followed me like an unwanted pest.

Even with all the help I've gotten over the years it's never truly gone away, I don't think it's something I can recover from, just live with.

We seem to have a pretty similar experience. Things like bipolar and and schizophrenia run in my family but i don't know many people other than my grandma that have suffered similar mental issues to me which is fortunate i guess but also kinda lonely lol
I agree that it feels like u have to live with
Even when I've gotten better its like its always there to some extent, even when I'm happy I feel like I am just waiting until it gets bad again to ctb tbh
its been most of my memorable life so its hard to envision a life that isnt like this sometimes

i've always been very sad as a kid. the kind of sad where i would frown constantly and cry because i felt alone and like even if i explained how sad i felt no one would understand, since the adults around me didn't think that kids were capable of feeling constantly depressed and miserable. people always saw me frowning. i was ditzy. i got bullied, but i didn't get bullied in high school because the people in my class assumed i was on the spectrum and thought it would be ableist. the same feeling of acute loneliness and self loathing followed me to my adult years and it sucked all the motivation out of me because i stopped believing i would get better. the only thing that makes me feel calm is the thought of not being here anymore. i wish i knew someone that wanted to die too. i have to lie to everyone.

the loneliness is/was the most painful thing because of how badly i wanted to express how i felt when i was younger. i think that if i googled how to tie a noose even once in middle school or high school i would've died in the same night. in middle school i didn't understand suicidality or consciousness beyond knowing that when i was unconscious i was felt calm and i wasn't being judged or yelled at. i think that being a middle schooler with depression and anxiety is really stress inducing because people just think you're being a spoiled brat or you're acting up for attention. it's also much easier you to get taken advantage of and for no one to take you seriously.

Thats so sad :(
I definitely understand feeling lonely about this stuff.. Not being able to express it or having a lack of understanding from people around you just makes the whole experience feel so alienating. I hope you know you aren't alone here at least...

 

[sweetdecadance77]

mine emerged at 12, so not sure if that is considered childhood onset. i remember what caused it, tho didnt realize it until 17, and ive been consistently depressed and suicidal for 8 years since then.

could have definitely been predisposed, i also have autism so ik thats a risk.

i understand feeling like your childhood and teen years have been robbed from depression, i feel the same way. i had a friend once who told me he felt lucky his depression began when he was about 16 or 17, since he lived most of his childhood in happiness. i remember being jealous. of course my depression started a lot later than yours, but i get it honestly. its isolating being so young and miserable, because theres nothing to conceptualize.

honestly, something a couple of therapists have told me was that wasted years could still be experienced at a later time. while there are some completely unique teenage experiences, a lot of it could be translated into adulthood once you give yourself the chance, since theres still 60 years left. ive had one therapist who said she didnt feel alive until her mid 20s, since she had an awful upbringing, and that she was finally able to have what everyone else had when they were 15. not sure if thats any good info for you, but i think about it a lot.

 

[inpainnosleep]

Had childhood onset of OCD when I was about 5, which was torture, because I didn't understand why I constantly thought about things which I actually found abhorrent. I also have what would be considered a "non-standard" sexuality, so as a child I din't understand that and thought that I was simply a horrible person. I come from a really abusive family, also went through immigration and separation from relatives I was really close to for a while. Got bullied a lot, couldn't make friends, so constant depression set in when I was about 12 or 13. None of those things are my biggest issue at the moment, though.

 

[coldcontact]

one of my earlier memories is telling my mom that I wished she would kill me

I had a good childhood so I don't know where that came from

 

[interna]

yeah. i was abused both physically & psychologically up until 13, although my relationship with both my parents is okay now. i remember first attempting at 7, but my depression only really came in at full force at 11

 

[Yakui]

yep. i wrote a suicide note... i dunno what age, but i moved out of the house i wrote it in when i was ten, so prior to that age. when i was ten, i began experiencing panic attacks and social anxiety, as well as depression to the point of constantly skipping school. my teachers would actually say to each other "oh look, she showed up today" when id actually come in. i remember being ten or eleven and sitting awake, contemplating whether i should take a bath with a toaster or cut my wrists in the bath...

both parents have depression and other mental illnesses, which means not only was i genetically predisposed, but also meant i didnt have the best home life. sometimes i wonder if there was ever any hope for me, in any way. shits fuckin rigged.

 

[GodzillasBiggestFan]

i attempted when i was 9 too. i think i was struggling with mental health even before that too. i don't really remember that time but from what my mom has told me.

 

[ZeroRedz02]

23 here, almost 24, I can heavily relate to this I feel, I remember thinking about suicide at age 9, perhaps younger, don't know what triggered such a thing at an age, but I'm sure that's the age my depression started, suicidal ideation has followed me strongly since then. I was bullied heavily as a kid in both primary and high-school, also experienced sexual abuse very young/other related traumas, but depression also runs in the family aswell, my father was suicidal himself and he had attempts, so it's hard to truly say. But it's always followed me like an unwanted pest.

Even with all the help I've gotten over the years it's never truly gone away, I don't think it's something I can recover from, just live with.

We seem to have a pretty similar experience. Things like bipolar and and schizophrenia run in my family but i don't know many people other than my grandma that have suffered similar mental issues to me which is fortunate i guess but also kinda lonely lol
I agree that it feels like u have to live with
Even when I've gotten better its like its always there to some extent, even when I'm happy I feel like I am just waiting until it gets bad again to ctb tbh
its been most of my memorable life so its hard to envision a life that isnt like this sometimes

Thats so sad :(
I definitely understand feeling lonely about this stuff.. Not being able to express it or having a lack of understanding from people around you just makes the whole experience feel so alienating. I hope you know you aren't alone here at least...

Me too similar even coincidences with @GoldenTicket also we do the same age 23 to 24, and i was sexual abused as a small child, and bullied too on middle school, also i liked Breaking Bad alot.

And yes depression runs in the family too, i also being diagnosed with Psicotic Depression and it seems with Autism.

 

[GoldenTicket]

Me too similar even coincidences with @GoldenTicket also we do the same age 23 to 24, and i was sexual abused as a small child, and bullied too on middle school, also i liked Breaking Bad alot.

And yes depression runs in the family too, i also being diagnosed with Psicotic Depression and it seems with Autism.

Are we the same person..? I also suffer with psychotic depression/autism, that's crazy.. I've met a few people on here with autism but never the other, sorry about the traumas you faced aswell.

I attach to media really easily as a form of escapism, I found breaking bad when I was homeless, watched the full show twice in my local homeless shelter when I needed time to kill, so it has some meaning to me.

 

[ZeroRedz02]

Are we the same person..? I also suffer with psychotic depression/autism, that's crazy.. I've met a few people on here with autism but never the other, sorry about the traumas you faced aswell.

I attach to media really easily as a form of escapism, I found breaking bad when I was homeless, watched the full show twice in my local homeless shelter when I needed time to kill, so it has some meaning to me.

Wow that's really weird how much possibilities this to happen also Me too i watch media, but it was more frequent some time ago also some sort of escapism i am not homeless, i still live with my Dad cause i don't know nothing about life itself, Mom unfortunately doesn't be anymore there she had cancer and 2 years go she died while she was diagnosed with cancer in the same year of her death missing her, i feel myself like i am in trap i was used to feel some interests in videogames and movies but now after many years of routine i doesn't anymore feel nothing and i am numb i also suffer from Agoraphobia and terrible Social Anxiety very very paralyzed from them..

I don't know if u think that we are the same person after this lol.

 

[bruised_reed]

Yes, I remember climbing a tree in the woods near my house every day when I was 12 and hanging from one of the branches about 35ft in the air. I kept wishing I had the guts to let go and kill myself. One day, the branch I grabbed broke and I did fall and got very hurt. I ended up breaking my back in several places and I've had issues with my back ever since.

 

[Gabbi_Station]

My mental health first became known to my family when I was 9, after I had wrote a note and "attempted" (a poor attempt at that, since I was a kid). Needless to say I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since i was at least 8, and honestly I don't meet a lot of people with this same experience. I can't even remember a specific trigger other than my mom's mediocre parenting, and since I have ADHD (and my therapist suspects mild autism) I'm thinking I may have been genetically predisposed. My childhood was robbed from me, my teen years are over, I turn 20 next year. Anyone else?

Yup- was having suicidal thoughts and ideation at 8 years old. My childhood was super abusive and I great up chronically neglected by my parents

 

[Cicis.Doing.Unwell7]

My mental health first became known to my family when I was 9, after I had wrote a note and "attempted" (a poor attempt at that, since I was a kid). Needless to say I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since i was at least 8, and honestly I don't meet a lot of people with this same experience. I can't even remember a specific trigger other than my mom's mediocre parenting, and since I have ADHD (and my therapist suspects mild autism) I'm thinking I may have been genetically predisposed. My childhood was robbed from me, my teen years are over, I turn 20 next year. Anyone else?

I was 9 to 10 - my eating disorder started with 8 so I do think it was a bit earlier then when I got diagnosed with child-depression when I was 11.

I do struggl all my life with mental health, it has been bad since forever so… yeah. I am here. <2

 

[GoldenTicket]

Wow that's really weird how much possibilities this to happen also Me too i watch media, but it was more frequent some time ago also some sort of escapism i am not homeless, i still live with my Dad cause i don't know nothing about life itself, Mom unfortunately doesn't be anymore there she had cancer and 2 years go she died while she was diagnosed with cancer in the same year of her death missing her, i feel myself like i am in trap i was used to feel some interests in videogames and movies but now after many years of routine i doesn't anymore feel nothing and i am numb i also suffer from Agoraphobia and terrible Social Anxiety very very paralyzed from them..

I don't know if u think that we are the same person after this lol.

Not my mom but I lost my dad to cancer 2 years ago aswell, I'm sorry for your loss, grief is hell

 

[ZeroRedz02]

Not my mom but I lost my dad to cancer 2 years ago aswell, I'm sorry for your loss, grief is hell

Cancer is awful, the worst way probably to die, luckily my mom didn't last too much she passed away from a sudden heart attack :/

P.S: coincidence wants that my mom did die on 2024 too

 

[pillfriends]

My mental health first became known to my family when I was 9, after I had wrote a note and "attempted" (a poor attempt at that, since I was a kid). Needless to say I've been struggling with depression and suicidal thoughts since i was at least 8, and honestly I don't meet a lot of people with this same experience. I can't even remember a specific trigger other than my mom's mediocre parenting, and since I have ADHD (and my therapist suspects mild autism) I'm thinking I may have been genetically predisposed. My childhood was robbed from me, my teen years are over, I turn 20 next year. Anyone else?

i first came to the realization that i have depression at the age of 10, but i felt sadness for "no reason" around the time when i was 9.


fast forward to age 12 - everything just goes downhill. i've been in a constant state of just shifting through different depressive episodes that last upwards of 2 months and return way worse each time. my life wasn't necessarily bad when i was 12 but i realized my situation (both mental and family related, which just kept getting worse) and i just gave up... school was stressfiul, and i was fed up with EVERYTHING. when i opened up to my mom she called me a selfish, ungrateful brat.


i've also suffered from severe sleeping issues which doesn't help at all. when i was 13 i could rarely ever fall asleep, and there were times when i would be awake for 2 days in a row. it's not any better now unfortunately, pulled 2 all-nighters (against my will) this week and now, as i'm writing this, it's 4:19am and i am nowhere near sleepiness.


turning 19 soon, and it just gets worse. i'm out of highschool luckily and i feel like my body is decaying, i barely get out of bed and barely manage to eat, it's so hard. i've talked to my mom a few times about my suicidal thoughts and how i basically lost the most free years of my youth getting eaten by this stupid disorder or whatever... i just have no hope for anything anymore, i just want to go and sleep forever.


sorry for the ramble, and if it's nonsensical at times, i also apologize for that. felt the need to lift this off my chest, and i kinda got lost in my thoughts. felt like your thread was appropriate for this type of "story"/vent so i wanted to add something of my own.

 

[ZeroRedz02]

i first came to the realization that i have depression at the age of 10, but i felt sadness for "no reason" around the time when i was 9.


fast forward to age 12 - everything just goes downhill. i've been in a constant state of just shifting through different depressive episodes that last upwards of 2 months and return way worse each time. my life wasn't necessarily bad when i was 12 but i realized my situation (both mental and family related, which just kept getting worse) and i just gave up... school was stressfiul, and i was fed up with EVERYTHING. when i opened up to my mom she called me a selfish, ungrateful brat.


i've also suffered from severe sleeping issues which doesn't help at all. when i was 13 i could rarely ever fall asleep, and there were times when i would be awake for 2 days in a row. it's not any better now unfortunately, pulled 2 all-nighters (against my will) this week and now, as i'm writing this, it's 4:19am and i am nowhere near sleepiness.


turning 19 soon, and it just gets worse. i'm out of highschool luckily and i feel like my body is decaying, i barely get out of bed and barely manage to eat, it's so hard. i've talked to my mom a few times about my suicidal thoughts and how i basically lost the most free years of my youth getting eaten by this stupid disorder or whatever... i just have no hope for anything anymore, i just want to go and sleep forever.


sorry for the ramble, and if it's nonsensical at times, i also apologize for that. felt the need to lift this off my chest, and i kinda got lost in my thoughts. felt like your thread was appropriate for this type of "story"/vent so i wanted to add something of my own.

Did happened to me alot of times to not having the force to get up from bed and go to eat i am excessively sedentary and have anaemia probably your issue is related to my problems

 

[spacefreightergirl]

I don't remember exactly when it started but I do remember being a very lonely and sad kid. For some reason I do have a vivid memory of me crying at a mall when I was like 8 years old thinking "no one understands me" and I still remember how the mall smelled when I think about it.

I did attempt when I was like, 11 years old. I literally didn't know what I was doing so I did it in the school bathroom and the school wrote it off as me being an attention seeker, which was mostly annoying because I genuinely just wanted to get it done but I couldn't finish the job. Since then I've been on antidepressants for years, they never really worked and things only got worse from there — getting abused, being lonely, eating disorders, the works. It got to the point that they tried to put me on antipsychotics when i was 19 (even though I didn't qualify at all for the medication) because they didn't know what to do with me.

I've kind of given up on depression medication. I'm going to get autism and ADHD exams done soon because I feel like I'm running out of explanations, I've had multiple therapists tell me it really looks like neurodivergence but my family was in denial. But this is really no way to live.

 

[pillfriends]

Did happened to me alot of times to not having the force to get up from bed and go to eat i am excessively sedentary and have anaemia probably your issue is related to my problems

probably, i'm going to visit a doctor soon to find out if i actually have anemia. someone who i visited earlier last month said there is a high probability i have anemia caused by low iron and folic acid deficiency

 

[ZeroRedz02]

probably, i'm going to visit a doctor soon to find out if i actually have anemia. someone who i visited earlier last month said there is a high probability i have anemia caused by low iron and folic acid deficiency

I think i have the identical issue they prescribed to me folic acid pills infact to take and aswell i have low iron as i don't eat very much i weighed myself and i am literally 70 kg

 

[Rev346]

I was 8 when I asked my aunt for a knife to stab myself. I'm not sure when I started thinking that life wasn't worth living; maybe 13 or 14. I'm not aware of any abuse though, possibly mild mental abuse but nothing physical. Depression has always been a part of my life since adolescence. It's hard to care.

 

[diviosd]

I also had my first thoughts of suicide around 8

 

[pillfriends]

I think i have the identical issue they prescribed to me folic acid pills infact to take and aswell i have low iron as i don't eat very much i weighed myself and i am literally 70 kg

i am not underweight but for a few years (2022 - 2024) i had an eating disorder (undiagnosed) and as a result i became very weak. unfortunately i gained all of my weight back and gained even more than i had before and it sucks.