Dissociation problems?

[Archness]

When I think... I understand and know that shit's fucked, my life's already over.
With no thoughts, I can mindlessly and "happily" scroll YouTube all day and engage in other distractions.

It kinda reminds me of incels and "Maxing", maybe the actual solution is "Minning".
I gotta get my Brain-Min on.

Ha-ha. But honestly, I know natural "OK" or "Happy", but sometimes, when I feel depressed/suicidal, those emotions can just turn-off.

While I feel hopeless, somehow, I'm fine. Is it indifference? What? What?
That's how I feel writing this.
Sometimes things feel "too real" for no reason and v.emotional in a bad way, but other times, I'm so distant. Sometimes hear someone die or horrid thing, and think "Too bad, skill issue fr rip ."

Maybe this "distance" is dissociation?

Is there "Archness"? I look in the mirror and see my body, not necessary myself. Always playing a character, under a persona, or not knowing what.
Even my writings. I write it, refine it... Then I read it and can't understand it. Even though it's my own thoughts, even though I wrote it myself, there's that distance.

It's separate, alien from myself. That property arbitrary and as rigid as an axiom.

Not only that, but I even get deja-vu all the time recently, with my thoughts, with my actions, and even with happenings.

It's like I'm a hand in a clock going round in circles until it breaks. Despite time moving forwards and every moment being unique the underlying motions stay the same.
With the distance I have, the perspective, I see the motion for what it really in, that in turn creates more distance.

It's a good thing I'm too lazy and indifferent to care abt this nihilism rn. But it's definitive suicide-fuel.


Even if I really did write this all before, might as well, practice makes perfect. I don't feel like anyone understands me @all still. Really Hopeless.

 

[migimortis]

I realized I would dissociate as a cope. It's like taking your hand off a hot frying pan. But we can't take our hands off the frying pan, so we just deny that it's our hand.

 

[onemorenight]

You're describing extreme numbness and apathy. I'm going through that rn too. I'm not fully "there" anymore. It's like a part of me is already dead, and the rest of me is just waiting to join it and become whole again.

I've genuinely disassociated a few times in my life before. It's different. You'd know without question. You literally enter a tiny room in your head and you watch your body move. Everything is muted. You have no control.

For me, it only lasted a short period of time. Minutes. And only during extreme trauma.. when my brain needed to put me in a little box and keep me safe because the reality was too frightening.

Happened mostly when I was a child.