Venting Diary into the void

[lastappleonearth]

It's not rlly a diary into the void, bcs technically ppl can read it, but I thought it sounded cool. Writing down my thoughts kinda calms me down a bit, so I wanted to start a thread for my inconsistent ramblings and I didn't want to write them down only for me to see, so why not here. Idk, if anyone enjoys reading this, then good, that's worth at least something imo.

I feel like I just can't stop fucking up, I recently drove my car into some random concrete pillar. Well not my car actually, my parents car. Like I hit the pillar with super slow speed, but the damage is still extensive and it's prob gonna cost up to 5000€, so no China trip for me. That was the only thing I was looking forward to. Yeah idk, other than that I pay my parents 350€ in rent every month plus 80€ for insurance (actually not bad, cus it's for students) and idk how much for food. Overall my finances are not totally fucked, but they're soon gonna be. I also get subsidies from the state, which every student here gets, but my mom takes them. Not that I deserve them anyway, I'm a shit student. In the end everything always comes with strings attached, I guess that's normal. I'm prob gonna sell my PlayStation and my monitor, bcs the more money I have on the side, the better. I could get kicked out anytime and I'd even understand if that would happen, so I need to conserve my resources I guess. Also, in December (if I even get there) my psychiatrist sessions are gonna start and they cost around 160-180€ a session (not covered by insurance). One of the main reasons I even wanted to do my solo China trip is just to get away from here, you know away from my parents, from everything rlly. The girl I lost at the end of last year after her being with me for basically my whole adult life was right abt everything. She begged me to come meet her, told me I needed it anyway, that it'd be a breath of fresh air for me. Man how right she was, I was too scared to see it back then. I even had the tickets bought already, but still chickened out and there weren't even refundable. I think abt that every day, what could've been if I would've just gone to visit her. It was a chance to build my own life, mby my own family down the line, I fucked it all up. She was the only person ever close to me, and we never even met (insane I know). Well I'll never hear from her again now and it's especially painful, because I wasn't even able to look her in the eyes at least once in person. She really cared for me and I for her and she tried her best for a pretty long time, I don't blame her for giving up on me at all. I hope she knows that despite all my failures, I also loved her deeply. It just nags at you, having no one to confide in, being all alone with your pain for a long time.

In a couple of days I'm gonna visit my only friend (he lives in another city) and even though he's my friend I'm still anxious and awkward. So I'm prob gonna be on Xanax most of time while I'm there. It's pathetic I know, idk what's wrong with me. I might not be broken, but I'm for sure damaged

 

[lastappleonearth]

I just woke up, I really hope that someday I can wake up without this overwhelming feeling of dread. I'd just like to wake up like a normal person ffs. Idk, the first thing my mind wanders to after I wake up is the realisation that I don't really have anything that's worth living for anymore. I've lost everyone and now I'm just alone everyday, where's the point in that. I mean that's the weirdest thing actually, I pushed everyone away knowing that it would just make everything way worse for me. I don't understand why I did that. Now everyday I see in front of me the ways, how I could've prevented all of this, but I somehow didn't see it back then. I wanted to destroy everything, destroy myself and that's exactly what I got, so I don't know why I'm still so shocked. Sometimes it feels as if all of this happened yesterday, but in reality it happened quite a while ago. There's still someone I love and care dir deeply, but I doubt she thinks of me anymore. It's probably for the better, I hope she's happy. In the end that's what I wanted, push her away, force her not to care. It's actually a cruel thing to do, I will never forgive myself for not stopping myself

 

[lastappleonearth]

Missing someone with all your heart, but realising that they'll never ever come back and you'll never be able to even speak a word to them ever again is a different kind of pain. I miss her so much, but I'm grateful for the time we had, even though it was never in person. Probably hard to comprehend (it was for me before it happened to me), but you can form a very intimate and strong bond, even if you've never actually met. She meant the world to me, but I realised it too late and I'm sorry. If she could see me right now, she would probably be disappointed and feel validated in a way. I hope she's doing well, I will never forget her smile and the late night calls, always brightened up my mood

 

[lastappleonearth]

Missing someone with all your heart, but realising that they'll never ever come back and you'll never be able to even speak a word to them ever again is a different kind of pain. I miss her so much, but I'm grateful for the time we had, even though it was never in person. Probably hard to comprehend (it was for me before it happened to me), but you can form a very intimate and strong bond, even if you've never actually met. She meant the world to me, but I realised it too late and I'm sorry. If she could see me right now, she would probably be disappointed and feel validated in a way. I hope she's doing well, I will never forget her smile and the late night calls, always brightened up my mood

Idk, I just can't let the past go. I literally think about it all the time, I regret it so much. If I would've just brought up the courage to drive to the airport and get onto the fucking plane. I already had the tickets, it would've been so easy. In retrospect I really can't comprehend why I thought of it as sth so scary, when in reality it wasn't. I should've listened to her, not everyone else, she was the only one who knew what she was talking about. I mean she actually lived there and she tried and tried to convince me that it wasn't dangerous, but I just wouldn't listen. It's only understandable that she gave up eventually, she had to.
I'm sure that we would've had a great time there together. I know, thinking in what ifs is pointless, but I just can't help it. She was part of my life for so long and I still haven't processed that she's gone, even tough it's been quite a while. Like I'm aware that she's moved on and prob doesn't even think about me anymore. There's still a lil bit of delusional hope left in me that one day she's gonna call me during the night and waking me up, like she always did. There was a pretty big time difference between us and that's why we often talked at night, well it was morning for her. She rlly was great, she had two dogs, saved them from the street and probably saved their lives as well. She even saved some kind of bird from the street once and nurtured it back to health. I don't want to forget her, but remembering her is so painful