lastappleonearth
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- Jun 11, 2026
- 403
It's not rlly a diary into the void, bcs technically ppl can read it, but I thought it sounded cool. Writing down my thoughts kinda calms me down a bit, so I wanted to start a thread for my inconsistent ramblings and I didn't want to write them down only for me to see, so why not here. Idk, if anyone enjoys reading this, then good, that's worth at least something imo.
I feel like I just can't stop fucking up, I recently drove my car into some random concrete pillar. Well not my car actually, my parents car. Like I hit the pillar with super slow speed, but the damage is still extensive and it's prob gonna cost up to 5000€, so no China trip for me. That was the only thing I was looking forward to. Yeah idk, other than that I pay my parents 350€ in rent every month plus 80€ for insurance (actually not bad, cus it's for students) and idk how much for food. Overall my finances are not totally fucked, but they're soon gonna be. I also get subsidies from the state, which every student here gets, but my mom takes them. Not that I deserve them anyway, I'm a shit student. In the end everything always comes with strings attached, I guess that's normal. I'm prob gonna sell my PlayStation and my monitor, bcs the more money I have on the side, the better. I could get kicked out anytime and I'd even understand if that would happen, so I need to conserve my resources I guess. Also, in December (if I even get there) my psychiatrist sessions are gonna start and they cost around 160-180€ a session (not covered by insurance). One of the main reasons I even wanted to do my solo China trip is just to get away from here, you know away from my parents, from everything rlly. The girl I lost at the end of last year after her being with me for basically my whole adult life was right abt everything. She begged me to come meet her, told me I needed it anyway, that it'd be a breath of fresh air for me. Man how right she was, I was too scared to see it back then. I even had the tickets bought already, but still chickened out and there weren't even refundable. I think abt that every day, what could've been if I would've just gone to visit her. It was a chance to build my own life, mby my own family down the line, I fucked it all up. She was the only person ever close to me, and we never even met (insane I know). Well I'll never hear from her again now and it's especially painful, because I wasn't even able to look her in the eyes at least once in person. She really cared for me and I for her and she tried her best for a pretty long time, I don't blame her for giving up on me at all. I hope she knows that despite all my failures, I also loved her deeply. It just nags at you, having no one to confide in, being all alone with your pain for a long time.
In a couple of days I'm gonna visit my only friend (he lives in another city) and even though he's my friend I'm still anxious and awkward. So I'm prob gonna be on Xanax most of time while I'm there. It's pathetic I know, idk what's wrong with me. I might not be broken, but I'm for sure damaged
I feel like I just can't stop fucking up, I recently drove my car into some random concrete pillar. Well not my car actually, my parents car. Like I hit the pillar with super slow speed, but the damage is still extensive and it's prob gonna cost up to 5000€, so no China trip for me. That was the only thing I was looking forward to. Yeah idk, other than that I pay my parents 350€ in rent every month plus 80€ for insurance (actually not bad, cus it's for students) and idk how much for food. Overall my finances are not totally fucked, but they're soon gonna be. I also get subsidies from the state, which every student here gets, but my mom takes them. Not that I deserve them anyway, I'm a shit student. In the end everything always comes with strings attached, I guess that's normal. I'm prob gonna sell my PlayStation and my monitor, bcs the more money I have on the side, the better. I could get kicked out anytime and I'd even understand if that would happen, so I need to conserve my resources I guess. Also, in December (if I even get there) my psychiatrist sessions are gonna start and they cost around 160-180€ a session (not covered by insurance). One of the main reasons I even wanted to do my solo China trip is just to get away from here, you know away from my parents, from everything rlly. The girl I lost at the end of last year after her being with me for basically my whole adult life was right abt everything. She begged me to come meet her, told me I needed it anyway, that it'd be a breath of fresh air for me. Man how right she was, I was too scared to see it back then. I even had the tickets bought already, but still chickened out and there weren't even refundable. I think abt that every day, what could've been if I would've just gone to visit her. It was a chance to build my own life, mby my own family down the line, I fucked it all up. She was the only person ever close to me, and we never even met (insane I know). Well I'll never hear from her again now and it's especially painful, because I wasn't even able to look her in the eyes at least once in person. She really cared for me and I for her and she tried her best for a pretty long time, I don't blame her for giving up on me at all. I hope she knows that despite all my failures, I also loved her deeply. It just nags at you, having no one to confide in, being all alone with your pain for a long time.
In a couple of days I'm gonna visit my only friend (he lives in another city) and even though he's my friend I'm still anxious and awkward. So I'm prob gonna be on Xanax most of time while I'm there. It's pathetic I know, idk what's wrong with me. I might not be broken, but I'm for sure damaged
