collidedsigns
Scholar of despair and anguish
- Nov 22, 2025
- 38
It's Sunday I've spent my day watching films and avoided talking to anybody. My voice obstructed by all the words I can't say. Such as "I am not enough" and "my life is not worth living". Nobody around me here's them words and listens. They all go into a frenzied panic about how to save me. They are throwing a rubber ring to someone who is already unconscious. I am phasing away from this world with every passing minute. Slowly becoming less and less able to survive. Sometimes I wonder if not wanting to be saved is the correct mentality to have. Then I remember how depression creeps back into your life just when you feel like you have wriggled out of its grasp. I remember the misery of not being able to get out of bed and the weight growing on my chest with each passing breath. I remember that for every good moment there must be a never-ending amount of bad moments. What's the point of being here when all you can do is survive? I don't know how to live and I don't think I will ever be able to learn. I am stuck in a relentless ocean storm with riptides pulling me further away from the shore. Lips cracked from the freezing cold air and eyes burning from the salty waters. The waves never calm. The sun never penetrates the doom ridden clouds. The longer I fight it the longer I push back my destiny to drown. Nobody but me accepts that. Yesterday I was told I have to love myself by a nurse then she proceeded to say how she will never understand how I feel. In the words of Phoebe Bridgers. "It's amazing to me how much you can say when you don't know what you're talking about," because that's the truth. How can I take advice from someone who has never felt empty? Why should I listen when she doesn't know the endless ache of longing to not wake up? I'm surrounded by people who see death as a cop out people who did not understand my wish for peace. How can I love myself when I can't accept love from anyone else? How can I live haunted by the evil of humanity I have seen but I didn't have the strength to say any of that to her. I just nodded my head and pretended to agree.
