Discussion Destroying relationships so nobody mourns me when I CTB

[cececinderella]

So, I used to do this a lot. I still kind of do it when I'm desperate to CTB or at least preparing to. It's common for people to not want to be alone when they do it, but for me, I'd rather be alone. Like I never existed socially. I'm not sure how many other people prefer that, too. My motive behind this was that so nobody would be sad or angry or disappointed when I passed on. The last thing I want is for someone to still be angry or disappointed or otherwise upset with me even when I'm gone. I've wanted to block everyone I know without warning, tell my boyfriend I'm leaving him [even if I really, seriously don't want to], and shut out everyone in my life just so I can pass on alone.
I don't want people to mourn me when I'm gone. I just want it to be like a minor inconvenience to everyone. Like "oh, I accidentally stepped in a puddle too fast and now my ankle is wet." Hell, I don't even want a funeral or anything.
It's silly, because I'm otherwise autophobic and being alone makes me act like a baby. So I suppose this is super self destructive. But all I want, if I do CTB, is for no one to care and have it all move on super fast. I'm just one person in the world, anyways.

 

[Big_Ocelot]

You aren't just one person in the world and I'm sure plenty of ppl u know would very much care abt what happens to you but that's not a reason for u to feel bad or guilty however your ctb makes them feel is not your responsibility your only responsibility is to make decisions abt your life cuz anyways you're the only one who's going to have to live with that.

 

[Griever]

 

[DeathIsJustAJourney]

That's all ive done the last 2 years,Turned myself into a nasty horrible mofo to make everyone hate me so that when I do go they're all glad of it,I used to strive to be good trying my best to make up for a criminal past then got setup by enemy's,since then I strive to be the most evilest,vilest,hatefulest and horriblest version of myself I can possibly be,there's no point trying to be good,It just gets you treat worse than when u was an actual criminal,now that my jobs done good I'm ready to go,so any day I can just pop off,just my timing has to be perfect or ill be stopped as people seem to think they can control when I die in this world when it's got sweet fa to do with them iether valium or smack od is gonna be my method,they think I won't lose them but on the day I will,ive made my plan so good they won't have the bottle to follow me as they will value their own lives too much to do so,it's crap how we gotta take these extreme steps to be successful but I guess that's mankind for u,too controlling and vile

 

[a15]

I know this is an older post, but I don't think it's too uncommon; at least, I feel the same way. I sabotage all my relationships with friends and family when I plan to CTB because I don't want to be remembered or mourned. Recently, I've been preparing for another attempt and acted out toward my boyfriend so that I have a reason to leave him, so that he has a reason to dislike me, and an easier time moving on (even if I really didn't want to).
If I could have one wish granted, it would be to disappear without anyone remembering me.

 

[monetpompo]

I sabotage all my relationships with friends and family when I plan to CTB because I don't want to be remembered or mourned. Recently, I've been preparing for another attempt and acted out toward my boyfriend so that I have a reason to leave him, so that he has a reason to dislike me, and an easier time moving on

we are the SAME. i did the exact same thing with a close friend (only close friend i have, everyone else is an acquaintance. when i'm thinking about my suicide more it just feels like my brain is literally melting and i need to leave people because i want to lash out at them because i hate them (i don't hate them). i just want everyone to hate me and for them to know that i resent them because i feel so miserable. there has always been periods in my life where i just want to cut people off because i feel like they aren't that interested in me and don't really care about me, or i keep thinking that they're telling everyone they hate me but staying with me because i'm suicidally depressed. it's just so much easier to disappear completely and become an afterthought. i literally feel like an afterthought. leaving my friends behind makes me feel like the things i'm scared of are true and i have more control, even if i'm just showing signs of mental illness and pushing people away.

 

[hereornot]

If I could have one wish granted, it would be to disappear without anyone remembering me.

Me too

 

[Forever Sleep]

I've done it in a more subtle way. Just let most of my friendships/ family relations drift away. Made excuses not to see people etc. It's hard to live as a complete island though. My one remaining, more consistant friend knows that suicide is a possibility. I felt like that was the fairest thing to do. It's up to them after that, if they want to continue with the friendship.

 

[TheLastGreySky]

So, I used to do this a lot. I still kind of do it when I'm desperate to CTB or at least preparing to. It's common for people to not want to be alone when they do it, but for me, I'd rather be alone. Like I never existed socially. I'm not sure how many other people prefer that, too. My motive behind this was that so nobody would be sad or angry or disappointed when I passed on. The last thing I want is for someone to still be angry or disappointed or otherwise upset with me even when I'm gone. I've wanted to block everyone I know without warning, tell my boyfriend I'm leaving him [even if I really, seriously don't want to], and shut out everyone in my life just so I can pass on alone.
I don't want people to mourn me when I'm gone. I just want it to be like a minor inconvenience to everyone. Like "oh, I accidentally stepped in a puddle too fast and now my ankle is wet." Hell, I don't even want a funeral or anything.
It's silly, because I'm otherwise autophobic and being alone makes me act like a baby. So I suppose this is super self destructive. But all I want, if I do CTB, is for no one to care and have it all move on super fast. I'm just one person in the world, anyways.

I'm not a doctor (or am I? ) but you probably need to get tested for BPD. There's tons of videos on YouTube that will be good starting points versus me asking questions publicly. Definitely look into it. Because, honestly my BPD is probably going to be what's most likely to get me to CTB.
So I know I need to get back into cognitive behavior therapy

 

[a15]

I've done it in a more subtle way. Just let most of my friendships/ family relations drift away. Made excuses not to see people etc. It's hard to live as a complete island though. My one remaining, more consistant friend knows that suicide is a possibility. I felt like that was the fairest thing to do. It's up to them after that, if they want to continue with the friendship.

Same here. I slowly stopped talking to and seeing all my friends; I wasn't going to make a scene by cutting people off unless I absolutely had to. The only person I couldn't drift away from was my bf, so I had to outright destroy my relationship with him to cut him off.

 

[Grog]

I don't want anyone to mourn me when I'm gone either. I didn't matter enough to people when I was around, so I would be pissed if people started to act like I mattered to them after I was gone. I feel like family members would use my death for sympathy points, clout, or to make them look good and make me look bad; i.e. saying "I don't know why he put us through this -- we were always there for him" when that couldn't be further from the truth.

 

[teeteringontheedge]

Wanting to go silently is as valid as wanting to not be forgotten.
I myself still havent decided if i want to go out whilst being remembered by the people i used to care about or if i just want to vanish into nothingness.
Or maybe even a mix of both?

As for destroying relationships and contacts... i uhh still do that on the regular.
Whenever something in me clicks that says "youre getting to comfortable remember what happened last time" or something along the lines i just outright kill of most of the bare bones relationships i have around either by delivering some fatal low blows on a personal level or stabbing deep into the vulnerabilities theyve entrusted to me as the ultimate betrayal of trust sure to leave them turning away.

Doing it like that has however made it hard to attempt and return to the servers, groups and friends once i "sober up" from this almost paranoid self-destructive thrashing around.

It does indeed help though that most of my RL friends are either suicidial themselves or deep into other shitholes like drug addiction so im met with a quite an bit of acceptance from their side - often to the point that we collectively always speculate an suicide or OD to be the reason for an prelonged radio silence between anyone specific individual in my RL group.

 

[usernamesarehard]

I don't plan on destroying my relationships, but I do plan on blocking everyone in my final month. I plan on going somewhere where no one knows where I am. Enjoying the month, then ctb. I'll give my ex a chance to talk, but everyone else is getting ghosted.

 

[amerie]

I've subconsciously been doing the same thing these past few months and I feel like shit cut off my besties of 4 and 3 years, tbf i was drifting apart from both of them irregardless.

It's a horrendous feeling but I think the pain of leaving them unexpectedly and how they're going to feel like shit friends for not stopping you is even worse. Stay strong OP

 

[cececinderella]

I'm not a doctor (or am I? ) but you probably need to get tested for BPD. There's tons of videos on YouTube that will be good starting points versus me asking questions publicly. Definitely look into it. Because, honestly my BPD is probably going to be what's most likely to get me to CTB.
So I know I need to get back into cognitive behavior therapy

Honestly, I've considered it. I'm early-onset schizophrenic, and I thought that might be the end of it, but I'm not too sure anymore.

 

[TrappedGnostic]

I can't relate because I don't like attention as a person and besides, I don't want to arouse their suspicion by acting strangely or differently.

 

[aiyuxhan]

i cried reading your post because I feel the same way. I don't reach out to people anymore, and I'm trying to distance myself from everyone :/

 

[TheLastGreySky]

Honestly, I've considered it. I'm early-onset schizophrenic, and I thought that might be the end of it, but I'm not too sure anymore.

I would definitely get it checked before you decide to do something like CTB. It is a manageable condition but it's definitely something that needs to be treated, you don't want to go around destroying relationships and your own life if you can learn to handle yourself in a way in which you build up instead of break

 

[bankai]

But if you're burning bridges which one will you jump off of?

I'll leave now.