Venting Derealization, Depersonalization, and Silly Art.

[dissociatedmess]

Sitting at work where it's another day I basically talk to no one, except for a bit of small talk before everyone goes to get their work done. Alone in the office, using an emulator for windows 98 and drawing on old Microsoft Paint. I try to text people throughout the day to just feel like I exist, but the longer I go without contact the more out of my body I feel. Like my hands aren't mine, my whole body is just... weird. And then I look around the office and it feels like I'm in some liminal space, like the backrooms. It feels like I'm dreaming, or like I'm in a VR headset I can't take off.

My partner and I are long distance. I don't get a hug when I need it—I don't even get to be in the same room as somebody when I'm scared I might spiral too far. My friends are always in crisis, so my crises are always on the backburner. I think about how long it would be before someone actually found me dead in the apartment if I killed myself there. How if I was scared and changed my mind and couldn't call for help, there would be no one there to call an ambulance.

I just feel.... Deprivation. Total deprivation. I don't know if any of you have heard the term Annihilation Anxiety, but man, it's a hell of a feeling.

Here's the lil guy I made on MS Paint.

 

[spyrx]

So sorry you feel this way it can get rough but looking at your drawing i can see you are very talented in drawing i wish i could do that. When i get derealization i remember that it only last so long and it will go away if you think about it to much then it gets worse. I really like your drawing great job

 

[dissociatedmess]

So sorry you feel this way it can get rough but looking at your drawing i can see you are very talented in drawing i wish i could do that. When i get derealization i remember that it only last so long and it will go away if you think about it to much then it gets worse. I really like your drawing great job

Thank you! I don't usually draw very much, but I've been getting into it a bit.

 

[hughmun9]

I feel this so much. I struggled with DP/DR ever since I was very young. I remember all throughout my childhood I would be talking and I would be hearing my voice and thinking: "this isn't my voice". It just didn't sound like 'me'. I remember as an 11 yr old kid I would go into my room and be by myself and talk to myself because that's the only time I could hear my voice. Eventually as I grew into my teens that stopped working too, I couldn't hear 'me' even when I was by myself.

It was only when I was 24 and had read about 'covert narcissism' and realised the nature of my relationships with my family, particularly my brother that I had this massive emotional release. And during that release, for the first time in many many years I could hear my voice loud and clear, I sounded totally normal. It was such a massive relief.

After that period I would lose myself regularly, but I learned that I could ground and journal and somewhat control it-ish more than before. Definitely not well yet but prior to this event I didn't even know that I was dissociating, I just knew that my voice and even mannerism didn't feel like they were mine and had even accepted that reality. I can still ocasionally have entire weeks of unintrerrupted dissociation... I haven't heard the term 'Annihilation Anxiety' before but I very much relate to it. The experience of not consistently having access to 'me' while navigating the world can be so isolating. And it makes daily living so ... inconsistent.

It just feels like I'm using so much conscious mental power just to ground myself and not lose my awareness of self in the moment. And ironically one the most frustrating parts is the contrast you feel after having a few hours of the dissociation lifting and feeling 'normal' again. Everything is so much easier during those hours, socializing, working, focusing, and I feel like a normal member of society. But it's so fleeting and it makes me feel so jealous of people that are basically like that 24/7 without having to try at all...

 

[lastappleonearth]

Sitting at work where it's another day I basically talk to no one, except for a bit of small talk before everyone goes to get their work done. Alone in the office, using an emulator for windows 98 and drawing on old Microsoft Paint. I try to text people throughout the day to just feel like I exist, but the longer I go without contact the more out of my body I feel. Like my hands aren't mine, my whole body is just... weird. And then I look around the office and it feels like I'm in some liminal space, like the backrooms. It feels like I'm dreaming, or like I'm in a VR headset I can't take off.

My partner and I are long distance. I don't get a hug when I need it—I don't even get to be in the same room as somebody when I'm scared I might spiral too far. My friends are always in crisis, so my crises are always on the backburner. I think about how long it would be before someone actually found me dead in the apartment if I killed myself there. How if I was scared and changed my mind and couldn't call for help, there would be no one there to call an ambulance.

I just feel.... Deprivation. Total deprivation. I don't know if any of you have heard the term Annihilation Anxiety, but man, it's a hell of a feeling.

Here's the lil guy I made on MS Paint.

View attachment 206393

Beautiful art, thx for sharing. I can def relate to your situation a lil bit, especially the deprivation part. I wish u all the best

 

[dissociatedmess]

I feel this so much. I struggled with DP/DR ever since I was very young. I remember all throughout my childhood I would be talking and I would be hearing my voice and thinking: "this isn't my voice". It just didn't sound like 'me'. I remember as an 11 yr old kid I would go into my room and be by myself and talk to myself because that's the only time I could hear my voice. Eventually as I grew into my teens that stopped working too, I couldn't hear 'me' even when I was by myself.

It was only when I was 24 and had read about 'covert narcissism' and realised the nature of my relationships with my family, particularly my brother that I had this massive emotional release. And during that release, for the first time in many many years I could hear my voice loud and clear, I sounded totally normal. It was such a massive relief.

After that period I would lose myself regularly, but I learned that I could ground and journal and somewhat control it-ish more than before. Definitely not well yet but prior to this event I didn't even know that I was dissociating, I just knew that my voice and even mannerism didn't feel like they were mine and had even accepted that reality. I can still ocasionally have entire weeks of unintrerrupted dissociation... I haven't heard the term 'Annihilation Anxiety' before but I very much relate to it. The experience of not consistently having access to 'me' while navigating the world can be so isolating. And it makes daily living so ... inconsistent.

It just feels like I'm using so much conscious mental power just to ground myself and not lose my awareness of self in the moment. And ironically one the most frustrating parts is the contrast you feel after having a few hours of the dissociation lifting and feeling 'normal' again. Everything is so much easier during those hours, socializing, working, focusing, and I feel like a normal member of society. But it's so fleeting and it makes me feel so jealous of people that are basically like that 24/7 without having to try at all...

I think when I'm normal I forget what this is like. I trick myself into believing there's nothing wrong with me. But today I feel like I'm chopping around like a movie with missing frames and everything is so hollow and weird.

And yeah, sometimes I think interacting with people inadvertently makes me more dissociated because it makes me realize how stark of a difference my life experience is from theirs. Like how easy it is to just go out and socialize and not really think twice. And when I start feeling outside of myself in a hangout all I want to do is go home because I can't explain to anyone what I'm feeling or why, and I can't just get rid of it whenecer. I'm kind of in a position where I want friends, but the effort to make and keep them is too exhausting to me. Lately it just seems easier to be alone, even if I hate it.

I don't remember how I even get out of these episodes. It just eventually happens I guess, but I also suffer from dissociative amnesia so maybe I have coping mechanisms I'm unaware of lol.