Depression Megathread

[kalashnikova]

I've always known from the start that my life was going to be a shithole, I died a long time ago and no one noticed. I am no longer the same girl I used to be, and I don't think I was even anyone at all. All my life I have felt like an empty carcass, a void drifting through this existence with no purpose or ambition and waiting to die. I am an adult now and I don't think I'm going to reach 21, my life has been bound to end this way. I grieve what could've been and the person I could've turned out to be, but it's okay because all I want is to release myself from the shackles of my existence and this world. I was never meant to be here, I was meant to be somewhere far from this planet.

 

[lostgirl55]

I don't know what to do. Moved away from an abusive home just to go right back to one. My roommates have made me absolutely miserable. One didn't pay rent for months, allegedly lied about her paystubs, and the other one has been controlling / manipulative from the start by not only covering for this girl, but accusing me of things that I did not do.

Yesterday, they teamed up against me to force me to move out early and I'm so fucking tired. I just feel like crying, it really triggered me but I try not to end my life. I can't. I haven't played Mass Effect 5 yet.

All day, there were ganging up on me and saying that I didn't want to be there and that I need to leave -- one even said "I'm not sure where you going to stay" like what the fuck do you mean? What do you mean?? The same bitch who caused all of this shit? I have never had a stable household IM SO FUCKING SICK OF IT.

 

[LostWay]

Blame capitalism. Our society puts our basic needs behind a fucking paywall. You're not overreacting when you're stressed about money or a job. Humans were never meant to live this way

I feel you

I'm too broken to be fixed too. Been struggling for many years.

Don't be naive, humans will always need to work to get their needs met. Even outright theft requires some labor. You can't say we weren't meant to live this way when we have lived this way since the early hunter-gatherer days. Blaming modern capitalism for the natural human struggle is just illogical. Especially since capitalism and modern technology enables us to do much more than what should be possible In our natural state.

 

[Sweet Tart]

My depression Ran deep as a child. I'm not sure if I was depressed and suicidal or just suicidal. Either way, it started with self injuring, then strangulation fail, then a bunch of child failed Attempts ( zero research involved) but never hospitalized because "faith heals in my household". its been so heavy walking through life, intrusive thoughts of "jump" or "run" in front of things.. but my fear is that I'll survive being hit by that car, or I'll survive that train hitting me (sometimes my thoughts make no sense even to me ). So I spent years planning because anxiety of retaliation by parents.

Ah yes, I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression.

I'm also diagnosed with treatment resistant depression, which keeps me from leaving the house much or working, but apparently isn't serious enough for me to qualify for disability benefits.

I also get the urge to step in front of traffic (or the subway). What stops me is that it seems impossible to determine the probability of surviving. I knew someone who jumped off an overpass & they were left with pretty serious physical problems and chronic pain. I can't handle that on top of what I'm already dealing with, physically & mentally.

 

[ixkitty]

I'm also diagnosed with treatment resistant depression, which keeps me from leaving the house much or working, but apparently isn't serious enough for me to qualify for disability benefits.

I also get the urge to step in front of traffic (or the subway). What stops me is that it seems impossible to determine the probability of surviving. I knew someone who jumped off an overpass & they were left with pretty serious physical problems and chronic pain. I can't handle that on top of what I'm already dealing with, physically & mentally.

I understand that. It sucks! And since I research everything, all I see is how it can go wrong now, especially since a lot of them are personal experiences

 

[witchcraft]

I am posting this here because I am a waste of space, so making a new thread is worse than just leaving a comment here.


Nothing I do matters. I don't want to do anything anymore. I'm not good enough at anything. Nothing works out in the long run. Everything is a waste of time and effort. It never gets better. Nobody has advice. Solutions besides committing isekai don't exist.

I live in a society where I can't even say how I feel without using euphemism. If I post on places like reddit, I don't even know if my post will get auto modded or shadowbanned, so I have to do it here.

I cannot afford help because I am too old to be on my parents' medical insurance, and I am unemployed for several years despite applying for jobs. But I don't even want a job anymore, they are hell, they underpay you to be a punching bag for the sh*tbags of the general public, sometimes your own coworkers or boss. Or you're just treated as an NPC.

I have worked construction. I have worked landscaping. I have painted houses in the middle of summer, outside at noon. I have worked fast food and other customer service. Obviously I haven't done everything in the world literally, but I have seen enough. I have had enough of all this. All I'm saying is that I tried, as far as I am concerned. Now I am done trying, because trying didn't make anything better. At all.

I even went to university and graduated to become a teacher. I hate teaching. Now I am in immeasurable (well, technically it is measurable) debt, and even more miserable, with even less meaning or purpose than before.

I made a promise to myself that I would end it as soon as my parents died, but I can't wait that long anymore. And I am a disappointment and burden to them anyway. They do not understand how I feel at all. I am ~25M, believe me, I have explained it to them over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over to my Boomer fucking parents.

I tried therapy for 10 yrs while I still had their coverage, since I was a teenager basically. I tried anti depressants. I tried anti anxiety meds that gave me horrifying recurring nightmares.

You know what, I don't know why I am even posting this. Like why do I even bother, it is so over. I guess this is just one last f*ck off to the world in general. Not any of you in particular. Just a final scream into the void kind of thing. This isn't an airport but I am announcing my plan for departure. Fuck this place (meaning the world in general, not this forum!), fuck this life.

If God has a plan for me, it is to commit suicide.

 

[TwistedNightmares]

I have struggled with depression virtually all of my life, and long term usage of SSRI's definitely made it a whole lot worse to the point where I have anhedonia, and other issues.
My life is an absolute shitshow. Every day something happens that makes me more traumatised. I wish I was dead every second of each day.

 

[TidalWaves]

I have been suffering from depression and suicidal thoughts since I was 11 years old due to the massive bullying I experienced in my younger years. I am also a csa victim so it has affected me in an intimate level.

I have what you call a "happy depression". I am always smiling, always cheering my friends, have a solid job, a loving family and yet deep down I feel like none of that matters. Some of you might think I am entitled but I'm really not. I have found no true joy in life other than teaching people useful stuff. I just feel hollow.

I haven't been able to keep a relationship going for more than 2 years and it seems every man who approaches me either finds me weird or decides they want to be friends after being intimate with me, despite the pure anxiety it gives me and them knowing my issues.

I want to recover. I really do. CTB is my last resource but nothing seems to cheer me up and I just feel like a burden to everyone everyday. Whenever I talk about this people point out my successful life but it all feels... Shallow. It doesn't even feel like my own life. It feels like I am just pretending so people can be happy with me.

My doctor prescribed me antipsychotics and I am praying this will work, otherwise, I don't really want to suffer this pain any longer.

 

[Wothoki]

This is a Megathread where members who are suffering depression can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support.

Many members sometimes want to talk about depression and need to vent or talk about this topic but feel it doesn't fit into suicide discussion or recovery.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.

I honestly just feel so exhausted… I can't wait for it to be over someday