Depression Megathread

[tinystomps]

I sometimes think about my childhood too. I felt a lot of pain back then at the hands of all of my family members, but I was also considerably happier. Now I'm miserable but my family members don't hurt me anymore. It is strange to imagine how that transpired.
I was a pretty sensitive kid back then, I guess I still am but it is hard to imagine that I was that kid, too. Like you said, it could be a whole other life.

Same, word for word. I decided I'm going to go and try my medication again and stick with it for good this time. I feel like at the very least there is something I could do about it rather than just sitting here feeling miserable 24/7. At the very least I could try to save myself and not let myself suffer more than I have to. Life will be hard with painful moments but I can choose to make it less painful or not and I guess I will do something.

Imagine surviving, by a thin thread, a lifetime of abuse and then getting wholeheartedly demolished by mere strangers with a petty grievance regarding things that they themselves caused and started until it pushes you over the edge to suicide. And they do this for shits and giggles and cheer and celebrate your suffering while calling you the bully.

It feels like I never stood a chance. The shit started when I was a teenager. It's never gotten better and it probably never will. Well, maybe it did get better for a little bit but I doubt it'll ever get better again.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

They keep telling me to "find something you want to do". How can I find anything if I'm too exhausted to begin my search and too miserable to actually do anything? Please just let me go and die. I cannot stand the idea of having to go to college for 5-6 years (because I'm too stupid for the regular 4) and then go into work for 4+ decades and then go into retirement where I'm too old and tired to actually do anything of note. JUST LET ME DIE. Do you not see how stupid the entire premise is of this kind of life? Come on!

 

[BrainShower]

30 years of this shit.
I've tried everything. And sometimes I was okay.
But I always return to this place.
It feels like an old acquaintance. One i want to strangle. But comfortable.
Im supposed to be like this, alone and miserable. I will forget that, and be reminded yet again eventually.
In a few weeks I'll feel a bit better. Shit will happen, some good, mostly bad.
But I will keep going. What else can I do?
Thanks for letting me read your thoughts, everyone. It makes me feel less alone.

 

[Cloud Busting]

Does anyone experience like a waxing and waning effect when they're starting to come out of a depression?

I'll be in the depths of despair for a week or two, and then back into a sunny disposition shortly after. Eventually the depression finally ceases.

It's strange and I don't understand it it seems to be a perpetual pattern

 

[Kit1]

Right now, I wish I was dead. This morning, the struggle feels like it is too much - and I thought I was having a bad week and this pain and feelings are too intense to cope with. I have complex PTSD, autistic and a few other issues. I no longer reach out to my GP or the NHS as they cannot meet.my accessibility needs. My next therapy session is next Thursday which might help if I can make it to Thursday - I need to stay alive for my children. But I cannot do this anymore. I have taken some paracetamol this morning - not enough to finish myself off - was dissociated when I took it and stopped when I realised (this happens from time to time). I feel so sick and the meds haven't reduced the pain either. Depression - one word that destroys every part of a being in every way possible. And my surgery thinks that I can use their IT system to communicate with them for appointments etc - they just don't get it. Right now, if I feel like screaming non stop and it is almost like I can hear a primal scream. But I look a picture of serenity for people around me. Depression - it is a liar that often masks feelings and destroys human life without being able to betray the amount of pain. And somehow I need to survive as I don't want my children to be left motherless and suffer as I did/do my entire life. Society, NHS, medics - happy to serve the middle classes upper classes who are not vulnerable - easier to pick the easier cases and help them. Never mind, at least I know where I am in the pecking order and don't need to have any false hopes of ever being "helped". It is a lonely battle.

 

[ropearoundatree]

Not sure how much you've taken? But if it's still too much than might you consider going in to have them help with an antidote? Otherwise, if you're sure (based on past history & what's been swallowed this time) then that is fine as well. I'm just really sorry to hear of all of this that has been plaguing you as of late. And ah, yes? Every-thing I hear of the NHS ... it does not make me wish I was living over there! (across the pond, that is) oy vey~
@Kit1

 

[WhatPowerIs]

Just fucking scared all the time. So scared of feeling. I just want to be still for awhile. For weeks, for months. Just want a break

 

[JoyLobo]

I'm so tired of dealing with my mental issues. If the people in my life, my parents, school staff, and doctors had been even moderately competent I wouldn't have these issues. But alas I'm left with permanent damage.

 

[ixkitty]

My depression Ran deep as a child. I'm not sure if I was depressed and suicidal or just suicidal. Either way, it started with self injuring, then strangulation fail, then a bunch of child failed Attempts ( zero research involved) but never hospitalized because "faith heals in my household". its been so heavy walking through life, intrusive thoughts of "jump" or "run" in front of things.. but my fear is that I'll survive being hit by that car, or I'll survive that train hitting me (sometimes my thoughts make no sense even to me ). So I spent years planning because anxiety of retaliation by parents.

Ah yes, I have been diagnosed with treatment resistant depression.

 

[Abyssal]

I am so tired of it all. Even when I do nothing wrong and nothing has "triggered" me I can't help but feel so hopeless. It's so strong it could be considered a physical symptom, a sadness so deep in my chest you'd think I caught an illness of sorts. At least if there was a specific cause I could maybe do something. I wish I was normal. I don't want to simply have to endure.

 

[Shimidori]

Depression has been a ghost on my shoulder for years by now, since the day where I simply... Couldn't get up to go to college anymore. The social stress was simply devouring me alive, and my idea of a truly social self collapsed right there and then, and with that, my dreams and hopes.

Even today, I wake up daily simply thinking I wish I could just keep my eyes closed forever. I do have some online friends, and even a girlfriend, but I keep feeling like they can't fully rebuild what collapsed so harshly and brutally, and I don't think anyone can.

 

[jbear824]

I don't even really know how to describe my depression. I have major depressive. So I just through these periods of severe, intense depression. At completely random times. It can last anywhere from a week to months on end. It's just like...all the life, the will to exist just drains from my mind and body. Everything becomes heavy and cloudy. I feel so disconnected from everything and everyone. And I just want to stop existing.

 

[Heartaches]

Persistent Depression Disorder sufferer here. Sometimes I feel I take control of it, only to be quickly reminded that I can never fully be in charge. Even when I'm at my happiest moments, I know it won't last, I know it will be proceeded by a long and painful depression that will make it hard for me to take care of myself; that will make it hard for me to get out of bed; to act "normal"; that will ruin any schedule; that will fuck up my relationships. I feel I'll never be able to hold a normal job or finish a career due to this--monster that feeds from every single drop of joy I have.

I feel I'll always have to put on a mask to not dissuade anyone from getting close to me, to be able to "function" in a "normal" society. But at the same time, I can't shake the feeling I'm being dishonest with others and with myself. I can't escape this cycle of dissociation. I don't have a sense of identity or self-worth. I always come back to square one; I fuck up and have to start all over again. It's tough, man. I just can't have a break. No therapy or medication can save me from myself.​

 

[Wyldfyre4948]

So I've had episodes of spiraling here and there. Currently going through one that has been going for about a week. I'm very isolated and the only people I really want to communicate with are my estranged wife and her gf. My family checks up on me and has been pushing me to move out towards them.

My mom is overprotective and is practically insisting I move in with them when my lease expires. Both parents are telling me to get a new cat since I lost my little buddy last June. The other day my mom asked if I was looking to start dating again, but I'm still not. I don't want to bring pain to anyone else so I'm not looking to anchor myself down again.

Last July I made numerous attempts and always broke down crying when I failed. For the most part I haven't really considered making another attempt until recently. My wife's gf and I have a mutual attraction and despite knowing better I let a fantasy play out through texts. When reality set in I felt foolish for even wanting anything. Lately I get through the days by taking a couple hits off my thc vape. Very tempted to go get a couple bottles of vodka this weekend.

I discovered that when I'm high and drunk I feel the best I've ever felt while I'm alone. Got a Halloween skeleton dressed and sitting on the couch with me. So at least he's there when I get home and a couple Alexa devices that give me something to talk to, even if it's just turning on the lights or to get the weather.

Been crying more again and I'm just exhausted. Part of me wants to try hanging myself again. My wants and needs don't matter anymore. Having my wife tell me that she wouldn't be here if she stayed is a slap in the face considering she knows about my attempts. I'm sick of being alone and crying all the time. Everyone believes I've been getting better, but I'm just hiding everything better. My work review was shit because I've been struggling to exist for so long and it affected my work life too much.

It would be nice if everything would just stop already.

 

[kawaiiphantom]

For me depression makes everything feel so colorless and dull. Everything that I used to enjoy is just fading over the years. every waking moment feels excruciating sometimes. I want it to go away so badly. It makes life feel like a disgusting hell scape. I hate being so sick for so long. I wish mental illness was treated like physical illness but instead it's just stigmatized to hell and back. Everytime I see someone expressing their suicidal feelings online theres always a comment that replies with "womp womp" or the same repeated platitudes. its seriously so disheartening and infuriating

 

[RollingGiant]

I really want try give ect a go and hope it wipes everything out. Pills don't seem to help my moods or my ability to sleep. So maybe a complete reset is what I need.

Hope it helps. I want to try psychedelic therapy, so far the other things I've tried haven't done a lot

 

[noone111]

want to say hello at first cause I'm new here.
I haven't been diagnosed, but it's getting worse and worse everyday. my life consists only of working, doing duties like cleaning and sleeping. there's not really a thing that brings me joy. I wish I could say when I feel down at work "just till you get home/just till weekend" but it isn't like that actually. after first week of working in the evening I just layed down and stared into my pillow for hours. it's like my work and every single chore I do are pointless. I'm just tired.

 

[Raven2]

Had depression since I was a teen and have suffered on and off ever since then. I'm feeling hopeless and lost I dont see the future as being bright. I can function and go to work but dont do much else besides that just sort of rot away feeling helpless at what my life has become.

 

[wiinterfrost]

i've been depressed basically my whole life and it gets into a comfortable rhythm. sometimes i have weird episodes where i am suddenly hopeful and everything fits well in my brain even if i still am somehow depressed and without energy.

but now spring has started and i HATE HATE HATE it because i whenever spring rolls around get really fucking manic for about a month (i've always hated summer because i feel so uncomfortable during summer) and it's starting again and the only way to calm it down a little would be to walk outside every day but because of panic and horrible anxiety i have to stay inside every day ughhh like i'll take lethargic depression over this any day i hate this :/

 

[henry22]

So I've had episodes of spiraling here and there. Currently going through one that has been going for about a week. I'm very isolated and the only people I really want to communicate with are my estranged wife and her gf. My family checks up on me and has been pushing me to move out towards them.

My mom is overprotective and is practically insisting I move in with them when my lease expires. Both parents are telling me to get a new cat since I lost my little buddy last June. The other day my mom asked if I was looking to start dating again, but I'm still not. I don't want to bring pain to anyone else so I'm not looking to anchor myself down again.

Last July I made numerous attempts and always broke down crying when I failed. For the most part I haven't really considered making another attempt until recently. My wife's gf and I have a mutual attraction and despite knowing better I let a fantasy play out through texts. When reality set in I felt foolish for even wanting anything. Lately I get through the days by taking a couple hits off my thc vape. Very tempted to go get a couple bottles of vodka this weekend.

I discovered that when I'm high and drunk I feel the best I've ever felt while I'm alone. Got a Halloween skeleton dressed and sitting on the couch with me. So at least he's there when I get home and a couple Alexa devices that give me something to talk to, even if it's just turning on the lights or to get the weather.

Been crying more again and I'm just exhausted. Part of me wants to try hanging myself again. My wants and needs don't matter anymore. Having my wife tell me that she wouldn't be here if she stayed is a slap in the face considering she knows about my attempts. I'm sick of being alone and crying all the time. Everyone believes I've been getting better, but I'm just hiding everything better. My work review was shit because I've been struggling to exist for so long and it affected my work life too much.

It would be nice if everything would just stop already.

I'm wondering if I should drink too. I'm too depressed to go to the store or even use Door Dash.
I've been in bed all day. No appetite but eating anyway bc I eat to cope. I don't remember the last time I showered. It feels like a monumental effort. I have what I need to ctb. I'm on the fence.

 

[henry22]

I'm wondering if I should drink too. I'm too depressed to go to the store or even use Door Dash.
I've been in bed all day. No appetite but eating anyway bc I eat to cope. I don't remember the last time I showered. It feels like a monumental effort. I have what I need to ctb. I'm on the fence.

Yesterday was a lot better. I showered, cleaned my apartment, went outside, got some work done. Very counterproductive but I feel I should treat myself by staying in bed all day today.