• New TOR Mirror: suicidffbey666ur5gspccbcw2zc7yoat34wbybqa3boei6bysflbvqd.onion

  • Hey Guest,

    If you want to donate, we have a thread with updated donation options here at this link: About Donations

FallenStar

FallenStar

Global Mod
Oct 23, 2021
339
This is a Megathread where members who are suffering depression can post their experiences, vent, connect with others in a similar situation and give/receive support.

Many members sometimes want to talk about depression and need to vent or talk about this topic but feel it doesn't fit into suicide discussion or recovery.

You can post as often or as infrequently as you like. Share as much or as little as you feel comfortable with.

Staff will monitor this thread to ensure it stays on topic and is a safe, supportive space for those who participate.
 
Abyssal

Abyssal

If I’m inactive, then I’m probably okay.
Nov 26, 2023
1,133
Professionals tell me that I've had depression for as long as I have been suicidal. I'd go to say that the two are deeply intertwined in our society, so much so that to the average person they probably appear synonymous. While I do have depression (persistent depressive disorder to be specific: not all depression is the same) I was suicidal and acted on that before I had met the criteria for depression. Had people taken a deeper look into my life and recognized that I had been getting outcast and belittled my peers and adults in my life, I might've had a chance of being half normal. Instead they threw the label of "depression" on me and called it a day.

Not very important, but to any lurkers or outsiders looking in, I feel that the difference is important. Suicidal ideation does not always equate to depression.
 
February

February

A man with a wounded heart & a broken dream
Oct 1, 2023
165
I do feel that as well that depression has often been a label that has been easily thrown around into my life instead of understanding the deeper contexts of my life and what problems I have had personally. I am bothered by how easily and casually people seem to use this word and how misunderstood it seems to be at times but I guess thats part of the problem with the english language and how we use this term in multiple ways. I just wish that the mental health professionals who have been in and are still in my own life were not so quick to dismiss me, label me, dump some pills down my throat, and call it a day. I really wish that they took me and what I have to say more seriously and actually cared more.

Suicidal ideation does not always equate to depression.
I couldn't agree more.
 
Navi

Navi

Toaster bath looking real good rn
Feb 6, 2023
44
I've expressed how I've felt to my friends a handful of times and I've always regretted it. They act like they know what I'm talking about but they just think I'm sad. I'm not sad. This is much more than sadness. People who have never been depressed somehow act like it's the worst thing possible to happen to someone they love. They couldn't possibly wrap their heads around why a person feels a certain way and they don't want to. They just want to feel like saviors. "I helped my friend through their depression!" They wear it like it's a fucking medal. Words can't do anything to heal depression. If anything, they make it worse.
 
Leavesfromthevine

Leavesfromthevine

Untreated Trauma
Nov 23, 2023
339
I'm so tired. I just want the suffering to end so I can be at peace. Every single time I try to better my life I get hurt even worse from it. I wish people could understand the mental strain I deal with constantly but they can't.
 
Blurry_Buildings

Blurry_Buildings

Just Existing
Sep 27, 2023
319
I just want to feel ok, and feel like I have a place in the real world somewhere - anywhere. I want someone who would really need to rely on me, instead I end up needing to burden others. If you bring it up some psychiatrist will just assign pills to take if you bring it up for you to take.

I wish my problems were solvable. I wish the world was a better place. I wish I was good enough for the people around me. I wish I could somehow have the social skills and the tenacity to keep moving forward.

But I know I will be forever alone, and the thought of it is crushing.
 
P

Pallf

I'm tired
May 27, 2018
356
I'm thinking I need a new environment. One away from my family. But money is an issue. Ah well.
I've been depressed for awhile. Got a flare up going on now. I'm not gonna do anything drastic but I definitely hate that way I feel right now.
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
382
Fuck me I let myself get stressed about my employment situation, despite likely overreacting, and I'm self-sabotaging. My self-hating inner voice has returned. "Kill yourself, you lazy idiot."

Tomorrow is another day I guess. I was doing well, and now I'm backtracking. It really sucks, but I'm not going to let this discourage me.

941E8FCD 1396 4BD9 924E CB10F8AF5209
This sums it up I believe.
 
P

Praestat_Mori

Mori praestat, quam haec pati!
May 21, 2023
8,855
I think from today's point of view my "depression" started over 10 years ago long before I ever I had suicidal thoughts. Suicide was always an option for me should life circumstances require it no doubt but luckily my life was good enough so that I never had to consider it.

From this point of view I should have seeked help over a decade ago. Now it's too late bc too much is broken and I'm broke.
Why did so much of our existence become dependent on money
Do you know any suitable existence in the society we are living in that doesn't require money?
 
Last edited:
heavyeyes

heavyeyes

Oct 9, 2022
1,534
Fuck me I let myself get stressed about my employment situation, despite likely overreacting, and I'm self-sabotaging. My self-hating inner voice has returned. "Kill yourself, you lazy idiot."

Tomorrow is another day I guess. I was doing well, and now I'm backtracking. It really sucks, but I'm not going to let this discourage me.

View attachment 123805
This sums it up I believe.
Why did so much of our existence become dependent on money
Blame capitalism. Our society puts our basic needs behind a fucking paywall. You're not overreacting when you're stressed about money or a job. Humans were never meant to live this way
I have major depressive disorder. It just won't let up. I am constantly in pain. Everyday is a struggle. I can't handle the pain anymore. The depression physically hurts me. It feels like I can't breathe or like I'm drowning. Depression is fucking horrible man.
I feel you 😓
I think from today's point of view my "depression" started over 10 years ago long before I ever I had suicidal thoughts. Suicide was always an option for me should life circumstances require it no doubt but luckily my life was good enough so that I never had to consider it.

From this point of view I should have seeked help over a decade ago. Now it's too late bc too much is broken and I'm broke.
I'm too broken to be fixed too. Been struggling for many years
 
Life_and_Death

Life_and_Death

Do what's best for you 🕯️
Jul 1, 2020
6,529
i dont accept all of me..does it matter if im suicidal?

i have all these 'normal' things about me. hobbies/interests. i enjoy doing them but i dont accept them as me. other people are all "i do this. and i love that." but when im in a situation to answer... even though i know what i enjoy i dont say anything..i just draw a blank..
i cant not be those things, then why would i enjoy them.

but i was talking to this person and within moments, we're making weed references and laughing, and im comfortable..
 
_Broken_alice

_Broken_alice

She/Her
Nov 19, 2023
219
Psychotic depression sufferer here... We have been depressed for longer than we can remember. This year it went from Major Depressive to what we are certain is Psychotic Depression. Nothing is enjoyable anymore, not even music. We are well past the point of just losing interest in everything, including the few things we used to have strong interest in. We completely lose all apatite and even gain a terrible revulsion to food. We often go days without eating anything. Sometimes weeks. We can never gain weight that we know would at least make us feel better about our body. And then when we lose weight, we see ourselves as masc again and we cannot stand that and it turns into an endless loop. We already hate our body so much as it is not our body and never has been. Nothing feels real. Everything feels like some awful semi-realistic dream, or some cruel simulation.
We lost access to a lot of our emotional range and lose our limited ability to express our emotions. We often hallucinate things that can't possibly be there according to logic whether it be seeing things out of our central vision move only to have no evidence they did or could have or sometimes we smell the most random things out of nowhere... Mostly scents from our past it seems (usually tied to strong 'memories', sometimes something new and unidentifiable. Just last night, we were hallucinating our ex's personal scent and immediately started to cry which was unusual. Most of the time we can't even cry anymore. Other times, we can't stop for hours at a time in episodes sometimes lasting days.
Sometimes we feel like there is something else in our apartment with us even though the door is always locked and it is impossible for anything to get in here. It always just feels like a presence, like we can feel another consciousness in the room just observing us quietly. Sometimes the presence feels different and feels like it is pushing certain thoughts onto us to trigger another episode.
We feel like we deserve everything bad that happens to us, although we don't know why we feel that way. We don't feel we deserve to get better, and are doubtful we even can. We feel the purpose of our existence is to test the limits of suffering on the mind. Sometimes it's like something else tries to take over us when things get really bad and it feels like we are just pushed out of our own mind and tend to remember absolutely nothing afterwards aside from feeling locked out. (Fairly certain it isn't another alter aside from the 3 we know of although it is a possibility.) When it gets really bad, we find we are unable to speak out loud at all. If we try to force past that, we have a very hard time forming even a single coherent sentence. We get unbearable urges to hurt ourselves, and usually give in to them. If we don't give in to them, they just build until they push everything else out. Negative things get amplified so easily. Partners not messaging us first or in response is one of the absolute worst triggers we have. We take it as outright rejection and abandonment and skip the spiral and switch straight from bad to dangerously bad. And honestly, we feel we aren't worthy of any interaction and deserve to be alone until we finally can't take it anymore and break again. We also push people away a lot, especially those we care about. They don't deserve to deal with our pain and can't help anyway.
The depression never eases up anymore, the psychotic symptoms come and go, usually getting much worse later in the evening until we are finally exhausted enough to risk sleep again. Feeling like we deserve this misery is constant. We don't know who we are anymore. All of our memories feel fake, like we made them up to fill in gaps in our memory of which there are many. Oh, and when it gets really bad, the internal conflicts between us get very bad. We just had an issue where the internal conflict got so bad we broke down confused and started crying with zero warning. Out of us, one of 3 somehow have hope. The other two that try to take on the pain from her can't remember the last time either of them had any hope. They feel we never should have opened ourselves up again after our ex and we wouldn't have if they were allowed to have any input on that decision at the time.
Sorry this is so long. There is a lot on our mind today and we are in the middle of a psychotic episode mixed with severe disassociation and this thread seems perfect to vent while avoiding heavier topics for now as those just make us hurt so much more.
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
382
I have major depressive disorder. It just won't let up. I am constantly in pain. Everyday is a struggle. I can't handle the pain anymore. The depression physically hurts me. It feels like I can't breathe or like I'm drowning. Depression is fucking horrible man.
Depression is so misunderstood. It goes beyond sadness, or purposelessness. There are no words to describe it. It feels like a disease.

I genuinely believe incurable depression (the one that goes beyond life stresses like discrimination and poverty; in that case it's a symptom of oppression, which isn't a disease but just as tragic) is a terminal illness for some people, like how cancer can be terminal. It's a shame ppl don't see it this way.

Blame capitalism. Our society puts our basic needs behind a fucking paywall. You're not overreacting when you're stressed about money or a job. Humans were never meant to live this way

What I mean is I was worrying about this job not working out when the odds were high I got the job. Catastrophizing, you see. It's a cognitive distortion. Guess what, I was worrying over nothing. I do paperwork tomorrow at 2:30. And of course I am still worrying about what could possibly go wrong, despite this being ~good news~

My brain keeps telling me this is a mistake, they're gonna change their mind and I don't have this job. Or if I take it I will hate it, or fail, or get fired 😊

I agree with you though. Capitalism is a trap we are all stuck in and it's completely meaningless and unfulfilling. I just try not to think too much about this shit and live day by day I guess.


The pain of not being able to tell anybody about it is crushing.

If I hear one more time to just talk to someone I am going to scream.

Most ppl do not know what to do and do not want to understand because doing so brings them down themselves. This is why they say empty platitudes. They wanna help without having to suffer with you.
 
Last edited:
Vesiira

Vesiira

Dreaming Of Being Buried
Nov 7, 2023
145
I've expressed how I've felt to my friends a handful of times and I've always regretted it. They act like they know what I'm talking about but they just think I'm sad. I'm not sad. This is much more than sadness. People who have never been depressed somehow act like it's the worst thing possible to happen to someone they love. They couldn't possibly wrap their heads around why a person feels a certain way and they don't want to. They just want to feel like saviors. "I helped my friend through their depression!" They wear it like it's a fucking medal. Words can't do anything to heal depression. If anything, they make it worse.
I completely understand. I only really talk about my issues to one friend. However, I don't tell her everything. I don't tell her about how close I got to committing suicide, how I started planning it literally. I didn't even explain to her how empty and sad I was feeling. We just tend to joke about our depression with each other. It sucks not having anyone to actually explain in detail to them about what you're feeling. I don't even care if they don't understand, I just want to feel like I'm being listened to. That they won't just brush it off. However, everyone does so I just keep it all in. At least I can talk about it on here with y'all. I'm sorry you're going through this too. <3 Always a message away!
 
Wyldfyre4948

Wyldfyre4948

Waiting for my bus
Jul 12, 2023
377
The pain of not being able to tell anybody about it is crushing.
My family knows about my depression and I regret it. They look at me differently and dissect anything I posted on social media. My dad texted me one day saying how I was making them worry. So I deactivated most of my social accounts. Knowing what my state of mind is and how it's affecting them makes my depression worse. I just want to take a shit ton of pills so I can stop having any and all emotions or feelings.
 
WhatPowerIs

WhatPowerIs

Paragon
Jun 19, 2022
946
My family knows about my depression and I regret it. They look at me differently and dissect anything I posted on social media. My dad texted me one day saying how I was making them worry. So I deactivated most of my social accounts. Knowing what my state of mind is and how it's affecting them makes my depression worse. I just want to take a shit ton of pills so I can stop having any and all emotions or feelings.
This is why it is so painful to me... they will never look upon me the same way again, I would irreversibly change their lives if I told them this. That is, if they even take me seriously when I tell them. I will bring upon myself a new level of pain and suffering, and I may impart pain and suffering onto the people who (I'm told) care about me as well... I just wish I could cease, just for a moment. Just cease. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, to feel like eyes are constantly on you all the time is scary... I like to think that I value my privacy a lot, it would bring me a lot of pain if I were watched in such a way.

If I hear one more time to just talk to someone I am going to scream.

Most ppl do not know what to do and do not want to understand because doing so brings them down themselves. This is why they say empty platitudes. They wanna help without having to suffer with you.
Sorry if my post came across that way. But even on forums and social media people don't know what to say or what to do. "I'm here to talk with you" but when you do talk with them they don't understand. I can't really say I expect them to understand either, depression is misunderstood and I feel like it can manifest in different ways in different people, as all people have different temperaments and attitudes... so I am at a loss and again I must keep everything a secret. I feel like I am deceiving everybody somehow by keeping up a good front but I know being honest will never do me any good.
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
382
This is why it is so painful to me... they will never look upon me the same way again, I would irreversibly change their lives if I told them this. That is, if they even take me seriously when I tell them. I will bring upon myself a new level of pain and suffering, and I may impart pain and suffering onto the people who (I'm told) care about me as well... I just wish I could cease, just for a moment. Just cease. I am so sorry that you had to go through that, to feel like eyes are constantly on you all the time is scary... I like to think that I value my privacy a lot, it would bring me a lot of pain if I were watched in such a way.


Sorry if my post came across that way. But even on forums and social media people don't know what to say or what to do. "I'm here to talk with you" but when you do talk with them they don't understand. I can't really say I expect them to understand either, depression is misunderstood and I feel like it can manifest in different ways in different people, as all people have different temperaments and attitudes... so I am at a loss and again I must keep everything a secret. I feel like I am deceiving everybody somehow by keeping up a good front but I know being honest will never do me any good.
I didn't word myself well. You didn't come across that way at all. I meant that people with depression cannot speak to people because others want to cheer them up with a quick fix instead of get to the root of the problem, yet it's common advice depressed people receive.

I was speaking generally, not to you directly. I relate to what you said.
 
Last edited:
S

SamTam33

Warlock
Oct 9, 2022
764
Not too long ago I read an article where a scholarly type person came up with a word that described what you are when you're beyond depressed.

I can't remember the word, but I recall searching for similar articles and found nothing.

One person.

One person recognized that there was a stage after depression that required its own category.

Saying I'm depressed is complete bullshit at this point. It's like not eating for a week, then declaring you want a "snack."

Not sleeping for a month and saying you could use a "nap."

It's dishonest and far too understated. I'm famished. I'm exhausted. Snacks and naps won't cut it.

For me, depression was manageable. This new stage of whatever I'm experiencing is anything but.

What do you call it when your primary source of peace is alternating fantasies of being shot through your eye socket and/or having your throat slit?

It calms me down. I started doing this 27 years ago: using specific images of my death as a means of regulating my emotions and it's the only technique that's consistently worked.

That's when you've passed the depressive part of the game and you're on the next level called Abject Hell or something similar.

I remember when I thought I was at rock bottom and it couldn't get any worse. I have never been more wrong about anything in my life.
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
382
In the deep pits of despair.

"The struggle of heights is enough to fill a man's heart."

I try to remember this. There is a beauty in overcoming the pain rather than being enslaved by it.

I'm empowered to overcome this no matter how empty I feel.
 
WhatPowerIs

WhatPowerIs

Paragon
Jun 19, 2022
946
I didn't word myself well. You didn't come across that way at all. I meant that people with depression cannot speak to people because others want to cheer them up with a quick fix instead of get to the root of the problem, yet it's common advice depressed people receive.

I was speaking generally, not to you directly. I relate to what you said.
Sorry for misunderstanding. I agree with you. I guess most people just think its like "the blues" or something, some quick words and a cheery disposition are enough to repair it - not entirely... not at all...
 
tinystomps

tinystomps

Member
Nov 30, 2023
16
I don't have many happy memories in my life but does anyone else like to replay the few good times in your head like nostalgia? I think about all the memories from my life and wonder if it was all worth it in the end. I dunno.
 
R

ropearoundatree

Student
Nov 9, 2023
179
I have major depressive disorder (MDD). I used to get treated for it, before my then psychiatrist retired mid-career. At the time, he was one of only two doc's in town, who gave or did the "shocks." His office was located conveniently right next door to the inpatient ward. Of which I was a loyal member for quite some time. Though this was a bit of time ago - now. . . When they referred me to one or two of his other, "colleagues." They wouldn't dare go near his elevated or extreme/& maximized--or "maxed-out," dosages that he'd had me on. Both in terms of my AD's and my Benzo's. So they reduced them so drastically. That it'd be like giving someone with chronic back pain, to the point where it interferes & affects their life, a couple of Ibuprofen of something.... In other words, absolutely worthless. I also saw several therapists throughout my time, maybe more. Boy, were these geniuses full of themselves, and often discovered by me to be, at least in their care & treatment of me - (more of less) a, 'joke!' For once I got inside their heads, and was able to see what they were doing, or trying to do, I could then assess and evaluate their "talents." Of which, in most all of the cases, were not very worth their salt. As I said: at least with me. Maybe they weren't that way with everyone else. Then there's friends. Here's where my error in judgement occurred. First off, in telling them anything about it in the first place. As many have for the most part, by & large, got their minds made up on the topic/subject. But I'd deludedly 'thought,' that hey? Eureka! I'll just do a fantastic & phenomenal job of EXPLAINING it to them--my situation. And then every-thing will be all right! ...because they will understand me completely, and we can carry on & so on and so forth. Well, that was a disastrous mess. Some bought it, I'd guess? For a minute, maybe. But if they were going to be anything at all resembling present in your lives on the regular, and not just distant "Facebook Friends," whom you never really need to see (or hear from, really) - then there's only going to become a point where that becomes an issue (for them). And push-comes-to-shove. For they've had it up to here, with your B. S. And that "shelf-life," is then gone. Their sympathy for you, whatever there ever was, has faded or gone & expired so now you are a clown to them. Or a pathetic excuse, because that's one thing you get, judgement passed on. And it generally isn't too kindly. Because from this moment of admission onward; or forward: they will all of a sudden be looking down on you. For you are now, 'beneath-them' in their eyes. And justifiably so, given the culture or the climate we live in. It is the popular way to think & behave (& that is to say, "believe"). We're worthless to them, when you get right on down to it. Disgust is a good word that comes to mind. When it comes to summing up how they will feel about you once you've shown them your card in this matter. It's just a matter of how soon, and when. As in, how much can they take. And how present are you in their lives? Because everybody can sound like a note-worthy and trust-worthy, loyal & respected somebody who's got your back, against all odds & every-thing else. When distance & frequency of communication are involved in the "slowing-down," or hampering of things. I guess it's all relative, maybe. Their are, or were, one or two loyal ones. They generally had their beliefs shaped, or impacted by those close to them (usually family members) whom they cared deeply and a lot about. So that first-hand experience, couldn't have hurt, to provide or give them that extra layer of padded protection for all of our incoming b--- s---! Ha...
 
WhatPowerIs

WhatPowerIs

Paragon
Jun 19, 2022
946
I don't have many happy memories in my life but does anyone else like to replay the few good times in your head like nostalgia? I think about all the memories from my life and wonder if it was all worth it in the end. I dunno.
I think about funny jokes and things like that I suppose. In the end I'm not really sure if it was worth it. Reality is just too draining.
 
Wyldfyre4948

Wyldfyre4948

Waiting for my bus
Jul 12, 2023
377
I really want try give ect a go and hope it wipes everything out. Pills don't seem to help my moods or my ability to sleep. So maybe a complete reset is what I need.

It Crowd Maurice Moss GIF
 
WhatPowerIs

WhatPowerIs

Paragon
Jun 19, 2022
946
My mom and I looked at childhood photos of mine and I was such a rambunctious child. It felt surreal but also bittersweet. It might as well be a whole other life.
I sometimes think about my childhood too. I felt a lot of pain back then at the hands of all of my family members, but I was also considerably happier. Now I'm miserable but my family members don't hurt me anymore. It is strange to imagine how that transpired.
I was a pretty sensitive kid back then, I guess I still am but it is hard to imagine that I was that kid, too. Like you said, it could be a whole other life.