ctb★prince
villain otd
- Jul 7, 2023
- 110
i never thought that could happen, but ive been so broken lately that today i woke up just not being able to move my body, with the exception of just my hands and arms below the elbow, im especially stuck from waist down, im fantasizing about maybe the paralysis spreading and stopping my heart as well at this point, just wishing, as for what could've caused this,
after i got awfully treated by my best friend, we talked it out, or so i thought, becausr not much changed, but then we had another talk prompted by them being unhappy with how im slowly distancing myself from everyone because of my quickly worsening depressive episode, they felt targeted, we talked it out again, i was happy and hopeful, but then they suddenly stopped trying to make things better, we played a game together with our other friends once, but then they quickly got bored by the next game that i picked and left, then they refused to watch a show together with me, again, even though in the past they would never, no matter if they watched it over and over again, they also didnt reach out to me once when i attempted, and didnt say anything whenever i disappeared and sent everyone else into panic, not a word, nothing, even though we talked things through twice and everything seemed to be okay, yesterday they said they were having the day of their life, with im assuming, their school friends, which i ruined to some degree by responding with texts that werent as excited, i even rewrote them against myself because i didnt want to be scary or cold, im just tired, but it didnt help much, i want to talk it out again but i dont see the sense of it, i end up saying things i dont mean because im too drained to be the reasonable person that they spent years with as their best friend, this is the only place where i feel like myself, i can just calmly say what lays in my heart without worry, id be judged anywhere else, i also dont want them to know that theyre contributing to my suicidal state because i already hinted at it and im scared to go any further, because imagine that someone who's trying to save your friendship also says they want to kts because of you, defeats the point, but i cant lose them either no matter what, im stuck, so so stuck, we need to talk but i cant say anything
i think that my other major problem is that im pretty sure my father is developing dementia with depression which appears to affect me for some reason, he doesnt remember much of me even though im right next to him, he does things i begged him to stop doing, he makes up reasons to get mad at me, like "i asked you to clean your room!", even though he hasnt seen my room for months and its really not that bad, especially compared to his other childs room for which he probably mistook me for, again
i cant stand myself anymore, i feel other, all of these issues new and old, one heavier than the other, keep bombing me like crazy, people tell me i look sick, whenever i do let a laugh at i feel bad about it because im too loud, something awful always happens right after, i came to a conclusion that i shouldnt be happy, at least not with ohers around, that ot i get laughed at, because its so easy to make me the butt of the joke, even for people who are treated the same way and complain to me specifically about it
i dont want to be alone, loneliness hurts, but i feel hurt from every side and dont know what to do, i cant speak up because i will drive everyone away, i cant drive them away because i genuinely cant find anyone else, i dont have the strenght to search and i dont want change, i dont want to commit but i want to be ended so badly, i find it harder to eat, to fall asleep, if i had the strength to get up i wouldnt have any left to hurt myself, i need to study, i need to draw, otherwise ill fail school again and everything will collapse with no hope of saving any of it, i dont kn9w what to do, i have no motivation to do as listtle as breathe, my chest hurts ehen i do, tears well up in my eyes when i think, i had to let go of my most recent and biggest special interests not so long ago, i dont have anything to function for, but i cant give up either, im so torn apart, and cant m9ve
just a couple minutes after posting this i got pain in my heart god is good please take ne away
after i got awfully treated by my best friend, we talked it out, or so i thought, becausr not much changed, but then we had another talk prompted by them being unhappy with how im slowly distancing myself from everyone because of my quickly worsening depressive episode, they felt targeted, we talked it out again, i was happy and hopeful, but then they suddenly stopped trying to make things better, we played a game together with our other friends once, but then they quickly got bored by the next game that i picked and left, then they refused to watch a show together with me, again, even though in the past they would never, no matter if they watched it over and over again, they also didnt reach out to me once when i attempted, and didnt say anything whenever i disappeared and sent everyone else into panic, not a word, nothing, even though we talked things through twice and everything seemed to be okay, yesterday they said they were having the day of their life, with im assuming, their school friends, which i ruined to some degree by responding with texts that werent as excited, i even rewrote them against myself because i didnt want to be scary or cold, im just tired, but it didnt help much, i want to talk it out again but i dont see the sense of it, i end up saying things i dont mean because im too drained to be the reasonable person that they spent years with as their best friend, this is the only place where i feel like myself, i can just calmly say what lays in my heart without worry, id be judged anywhere else, i also dont want them to know that theyre contributing to my suicidal state because i already hinted at it and im scared to go any further, because imagine that someone who's trying to save your friendship also says they want to kts because of you, defeats the point, but i cant lose them either no matter what, im stuck, so so stuck, we need to talk but i cant say anything
i think that my other major problem is that im pretty sure my father is developing dementia with depression which appears to affect me for some reason, he doesnt remember much of me even though im right next to him, he does things i begged him to stop doing, he makes up reasons to get mad at me, like "i asked you to clean your room!", even though he hasnt seen my room for months and its really not that bad, especially compared to his other childs room for which he probably mistook me for, again
i cant stand myself anymore, i feel other, all of these issues new and old, one heavier than the other, keep bombing me like crazy, people tell me i look sick, whenever i do let a laugh at i feel bad about it because im too loud, something awful always happens right after, i came to a conclusion that i shouldnt be happy, at least not with ohers around, that ot i get laughed at, because its so easy to make me the butt of the joke, even for people who are treated the same way and complain to me specifically about it
i dont want to be alone, loneliness hurts, but i feel hurt from every side and dont know what to do, i cant speak up because i will drive everyone away, i cant drive them away because i genuinely cant find anyone else, i dont have the strenght to search and i dont want change, i dont want to commit but i want to be ended so badly, i find it harder to eat, to fall asleep, if i had the strength to get up i wouldnt have any left to hurt myself, i need to study, i need to draw, otherwise ill fail school again and everything will collapse with no hope of saving any of it, i dont kn9w what to do, i have no motivation to do as listtle as breathe, my chest hurts ehen i do, tears well up in my eyes when i think, i had to let go of my most recent and biggest special interests not so long ago, i dont have anything to function for, but i cant give up either, im so torn apart, and cant m9ve
just a couple minutes after posting this i got pain in my heart god is good please take ne away
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