Venting Definitelyworried

[Definitelyworried]

Today was more dificult than yesterday.
Again I let a little hope in my life and it got shattered, nothing has been going my way.
It feels like a sign.
I'm more suicidal today than I was yesterday.
Waiting on some documents I need to sign for my family, maybe it won't make a difference but I have to try. Every day has been too painful.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I have to wait to sign some documents so my family won't have too big of a legal mess hopefully, but I been having such a difficult day, I wish I could have everything set already so I can at least attempt, I been thinking of full suspension hanging.
I'm pretty sure my family doesn't know how I feel.
But I been having constant anxiety attacks, and major depression all day long.
I felt like I'm getting physical sick, since I've had high anxiety for over six months.
I've never thought life could become so difficult, I never seen this coming.
I'm hurting right now like I never had before.
I feel like this is proof u have no other choice but suicide. I'm thinking like in 2 weeks.
I appreciate I had people here to talk to, that are going through similar thoughts, that understand how I feel.
I been trying to find every option I can use so that I can continue to live, but everything seems like a dead end, and I feel like everything has fallen a part, I'm very worried and discouraged, not a good combination. I really can't bare much more.

 

[Sternum]

I have too much anxiety, it hurts.
I don't think people around me understand how bad I feel.

I do.

I replied saying I do a couple days ago but then deleted the post because I'm not someone around you. But I'm resending the message now to say I understand. I know it's not any consolation but the suffering you express... trust me, I understand.

 

[Definitelyworried]

Today has been especially dificult for me.
I got a reply from the attourneys that have documents I want to sign before I even attempt to kill myself again.
Otherwise I would be contemplating suicide right now.
They said the documents are not ready but they are trying to get in touch with the other company. It's a mess.
I don't know if I could kill myself though, but I'm very depressed and I'm always thinking I should kill myself.
Im so confused. I'm stuck.
I'm in so much psychological and mental pain.
I think I got an ulcer from all the stress I been feeling.

 

[YaYaDr]

I have been following you for quite some now Definitelyworried, and I can't help but feel that you are not getting better despite accepting suicide as your way out. As your days draw to a close, don't you find some comfort in knowing you will no longer need to suffer?

There is some relief to be had from indulging in self-pity from time to time. I know because I too have done it myself. The old cliche of a "good cry" becomes a cliche for good reasons. My one concern though is that when your time comes your mind may not be clear enough to carry out the needful without, shall we say, complications? I just hope you can go peacefully and without regret.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I have been following you for quite some now Definitelyworried, and I can't help but feel that you are not getting better despite accepting suicide as your way out. As your days draw to a close, don't you find some comfort in knowing you will no longer need to suffer?

There is some relief to be had from indulging in self-pity from time to time. I know because I too have done it myself. The old cliche of a "good cry" becomes a cliche for good reasons. My one concern though is that when your time comes your mind may not be clear enough to carry out the needful without, shall we say, complications? I just hope you can go peacefully and without regret.

Thanks for your understanding words, and I agree fully with what you are saying. Every word of it.
Thanks for even paying attention to my story and situation.

 

[Definitelyworried]

All I could say regarding my situation as you can see, it has been uniquely painful and this extreme mental and spycological pain has not been short term.
The worst thing is that people around me seem to underestimate how bad I feel, even though I have tried to convey to them my feelings. I beleive I'm feeling something not many people have felt and for most people can't imagine the mental suffering I been experiencing.

 

[YaYaDr]

All I could say regarding my situation as you can see, it has been uniquely painful and this extreme mental and spycological pain has not been short term.
The worst thing is that people around me seem to underestimate how bad I feel, even though I have try ed to convey to them my feelings. I beleive I'm feeling something not many people have felt and for most people can't imagine the mental suffering I been experiencing.

This is perfectly understandable. People sometimes can be so enraptured in their own lives that they fail to see the suffering in others. You have friendly ears on this forum though. I will never accuse you for feeling bad when you shouldn't. I might express concern, but should it sound as though I am passing judgement on you, forgive me. Just tell me to go away and I shall. :^)

 

[Definitelyworried]

This is perfectly understandable. People sometimes can be so enraptured in their own lives that they fail to see the suffering in others. You have friendly ears on this forum though. I will never accuse you for feeling bad when you shouldn't. I might express concern, but should it sound as though I am passing judgement on you, forgive me. Just tell me to go away and I shall. :^)

Thank YaYaDr I appreciate you tolerating my paranoid personality.
I sometimes don't realize how awkward and obnoxious I could be, I appologize, not my intentions.

 

[YaYaDr]

Thank YaYaDr I appreciate you tolerating my paranoid personality.
I sometimes don't realize how award and obnoxious I could be, I appologize, not my intentions.

Not awkward at all. I subscribe to the Breakfast Club school of thought: we're all bizarre, some people are just better at hiding it. :-)

 

[Definitelyworried]

Not awkward at all. I subscribe to the Breakfast Club school of thought: we're all bizarre, some people are just better at hiding it. :-)

Do you have a link to your story? u know a lot about me comparing to the little I know about you.

 

[YaYaDr]

Do you have a link to your story? u know a lot about me comparing to the little I know about you.

No story from me I'm afraid. My story wouldn't be very interesting anyway

 

[Definitelyworried]

No story from me I'm afraid. My story wouldn't be very interesting anyway

I don't think my story is interesting but to me it's not about that.
Are you suicidal, or maybe you were suicidal but overcame those feelings?

 

[YaYaDr]

I don't think my story is interesting but to me it's not about that.
Are you suicidal, or maybe you were suicidal but overcame those feelings?

I am dieing and will likely die by my own hand before my illness gets too serious. That's as far as I am comfortable to share though. Sorry ^.^

 

[Definitelyworried]

I hate the fact that I feel I have to kill myself, I never thought I would end up commiting suicide even though I was already suicidal once before but I never thought this would be my fate.
Maybe I'll learn to accept it it.
I don't know I just feel horrible.
I know I'm venting a lot, snd maybe I should just kill myself now, maybe I'll never be able to end it myself. But right now I don't know what to do but to vent.
I'm such a coward.
Im disgusted with myself.
But I'm also disgusted with the system.
One thing is for sure I'm sad and I'm confused.

 

[Definitelyworried]

Life is becoming so unbearable right now that I'm considering not sticking around to sign some important documents for my families benefit. Even though I really want to sign that, but I literally started to think I might not be able to wait.
Right now I'm holding off for other people, im living for other people right now,but I have accepted defeat. I lost the war. It was a long battle I didn't want to fight, because I had a feeling the fight was just going to be full of false hopes and an abundance of disapointments, I had a feeling I should had accepted defeat long time ago and I would had avoided such disapointments, bad experiences and overall pain.

 

[Lara Francis]

I am so sorry to hear your struggles with life.life can be very unforgiving

 

[Definitelyworried]

I'm looking at my calender and I think July 16th could possibly be my last day, depending on what kind of news I get about those documents I want to sign.
If I have a date set by the attourneys to sign those documents I will hold off, but if by the 16th there is no progress moving forward, the 16th I will try to find it in me to end it. I might back out, but I really do feel this way, I think this is getting more and more difficult to hold off on.

 

[Lara Francis]

Xx thinking of you

 

[Definitelyworried]

Thanks Lara,
Today a close family member told me that I need to feel better.
Like if I have control over the way I feel.
It hurt so much when he said that, I can sense they are getting tired of me.

 

[Lara Francis]

I feel exactly the same.people expect you to snap out of it! as if it's that simple.I have found that I am beginning to isolate myself because people do get fed up being around a depressed person no matter how hard that person is trying to get better.I have had family members dis own me because I have been suffering so much that their support was too much of an interference on their perfect and happy lives.

 

[Lara Francis]

I wish my life was so black and white as it appears to others.
I wish my life was simple and my mind less complicated and stressed all the time.

 

[Definitelyworried]

The problem is that before all this I have always been there for all my family, and now in my time of need, they just not really hearing my cries for help.
I'm reaching out with my arms extended and instead of them extending their arms out to me, all they are doing is cheering me on, I need more than someone cheering me on from the sidelines.

 

[Lara Francis]

Are they not hearing you or are they not fully understanding. ?

 

[Definitelyworried]

One of my family members is not fully understanding 2 other family members are not hearing me.
And I think there are things they could do for me to hold off. I explained to them, but they think it wI'll make things worse, and it could but it would still be liveable for them, and it would give me some peace of mind, I been trying to plead with them for months with no avail, so I don't think I'm rushing into anything when considering suicide.

 

[Lara Francis]

Why will it make things worse?

 

[Lara Francis]

I wish I had some answers for you my friend.sounds like you have lots to contend with.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I wish I had some answers for you my friend.sounds like you have lots to contend with.

Thanks, I feel that I do.
I appreciate the chance I got to vent.

 

[Lara Francis]

Try to get some rest.its in the early hours of the morning here so goodnight and take care x

 

[Definitelyworried]

I'm feeling really bad right now.
I don't know if I'm going to kill myself or not. I feel urgency to do it, but I think there is a slight chance something could change and sometimes I feel hope, but sometimes I feel that if I stick around a bit more in going to regret it.
I font want to kill myself, but I feel I have too.
I'm so confused.
Damn this hurts so bad.