Venting Definitelyworried

[Definitelyworried]

I hope you guys don't mind, I'm making this thread for myself, so that I can share my thoughts and have people to conversate with. I don't know when or if I'll be ctb, I have attempted a few times but have not been able to, once because partial hanging was not an effective method, the other times was because I simply could not go through with it, even though I was thinking about it for hours.
If I may request, I would not like to be encouraged or discouraged to ctb.
I would appreciate people sharing with me their struggles with trying to ctb, or the methods and dates trying to ctb.
The method I have tried or thought about is hanging, for a few reasons.
However, one problem is that I have a big adam's apple, and using a rope is really painful, so I have a towell tied as a noose that I attach to the top part of my door. I have a rope but the towell seems to hurt my adam's apple less. There are a few things that I could try and fix to leave my family off a little better before I ctb, so while I try and do that I will appreciate conversations with people who can relate to what I feel and what I'm experiencing.
This is like a log to what I'm going through.
If I do ctb this will be the place I will post my last goodbye.
Thanks for reading this.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I found some interesting pictures when I was looking for some that I could relate to for my avatar. I think the clown was the one I could most relate to, because I feel like I have to please people and act a certain way even though I'm dying inside, and all the nice things, laugher and happiness I've tried to bring to people have just been contributing to my own demise, I feel like a wasted old clown, and sorry I can't live like this.

 

[Deleted member 847]

I too feel like I have to be a character in society. Always fake smile, be polite, don't express my real feelings to not be awkward because you're not supposed to be yourself in society.

 

[Definitelyworried]

To wake up and have to do it each and every day while watching people who are truly happy is like rubing a wound that is no where near healing.
I don't have anything against happy people, I just don't want to be forced to be around them and make them more happy at my own cost, I'm already wasted (depleated) I don't have much more to give, not like this, I need help, that I'm not getting.
If I could have a boost I can continue to be that giving person, but how do I give when I'm all out?

 

[Deleted member 847]

To wake up and have to do it each and every day while watching people who are truly happy is like rubing a wound that is no where near healing.
I don't have anything against happy people, I just don't want to be forced to make them more happy at my own cost, I'm already wasted (depleated) I don't have much more to give, not like this, I need help, that I'm not getting.

I gave up at trying to get help. I just accepted the fact that people are selfish and I'm on my own in this world. The sooner you realize it, the better.

 

[Definitelyworried]

Today was an active day for me, I contributed my energy and effort to anything that I could try and do to improve my situation.
But guess what?
All that could have just been counter productive, I feel totally trapped.
People tell me I should get a girlfriend, I should find things I like to do, but tell that to a slave who just wants freedom.
Someone here said it really well,
Who wants good food when you are I a horrible jail, when you could eat a simple sandwich being completely free.
I want hope, I want not to be a slave.
I don't want to die, but I can't live that way.
There are a few documents I need to sign supposedly this week, (I keep getting lied to). Signing the documents in order to try and leave my family a little better off.
Otherwise I know today I would be staring at the noose to say the least.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I been feeling very suicidal since around March 15, 2018.
How does someone telling me that God gets mad at me when I'm depressed or unhappy, supposed to help me?
It only makes me more depressed.

 

[Sternum]

I been feeling very suicidal since around March 15, 2018.
How does someone telling me that God gets mad at me when I'm depressed or unhappy, supposed to help me?
It only makes me more depressed.

I don't believe in a supreme being, and one of the reasons is that depression exists. If there was a god, I can't imagine he/she would be mad that you feel unhappy. If there was a god that did get mad that you feel unhappy, I can't imagine he/she was all that supreme.

 

[YaYaDr]

I have long since abandoned any belief in God. Definitelyworried, I hope you find peace eventually. I have been functionally depressed for more than 10 years now, and it has devolved into severe depression/suicidal about half a year ago. You have only been suicidal for about half that time, yet I know even that must be hell. Those sending "thoughts and prayers" really haven't the slightest clue.

 

[Definitelyworried]

Yeah, sometimes it seems like people around me don't understand how bad I feel.
Sometimes I'm just shocked at how unbearable my feelings are.
I'm not saying I have it the worse, but the way I fee emotionally and mentallyl is as bad as it gets. I've attempted suicide a few times and failed, but my mind keeps going back to just wanting to end it.
I got so much to say about my beleifs, I don't even know where to start.
I might post on here later.

 

[Definitelyworried]

Today was a nother difficult day, it seems like each day gets more difficult.
I'm so scared about what tomorrow will bring. If only I could visually project how horrible my emotions feel.

 

[Definitelyworried]

Everyday it feels like I'm just prolonging my suffering. I'm running on fumes.
I'm trying my best to hang on and try to change my situation for the better, but everyday seems to be confirmed th as t I am trapped in this horrible situstion.
It's been a nonstop nightmare, it's a nonstop panic attack for me.

 

[Definitelyworried]

I'm stuck in a situation where I need to wait to sign some forms to not leave such a big mess for my family, but I also need to ctb, before shit hits the fan.
Looking at N would be the way to go, but I feel I will have to go with hanging, because N is not easy or cheap to get.
I think if things were set right now, I would kill myself right now to try and escape this pain.
Today I feel worse than yesterday.
I can't find any pleasure in anything.

 

[Definitelyworried]

Got these clips from a younger friend of mine who is also suicidal.

 

[millefeui]

I have long since abandoned any belief in God. Definitelyworried, I hope you find peace eventually. I have been functionally depressed for more than 10 years now, and it has devolved into severe depression/suicidal about half a year ago. You have only been suicidal for about half that time, yet I know even that must be hell. Those sending "thoughts and prayers" really haven't the slightest clue.

So have I. Well, to be precise, I never really believed in God, but I tried. Oh, I tried. But it is so very hard to believe in a God that allows the atrocities that happen in this world in an every day... No, scratch that, in an every hour basis. What kind of God is that? Either this God is powerless or they don't care one bit about their creations. Or perhaps God isn't even sentient. Who knows.

For a long time, I was afraid and perhaps deep, deep inside I still am. After all, if a God exists and the world is in such a disastrous condition, what prevents this God from making me pay for committing suicide? What if I am forced to reincarnate in shitty conditions again? What if I go to hell, as described in Christian scriptures? I think what changed is that... I don't have the energy to care anymore. When the time comes (basically, when my doggo dies), I will kill myself. If I have to suffer more because God is an asshole, so be it.

But maybe I will not suffer. Maybe things will improve. Or maybe I will cease to exist. That would be good, too.

 

[iFeelmeaninglesss]

I don't believe in a supreme being, and one of the reasons is that depression exists. If there was a god, I can't imagine he/she would be mad that you feel unhappy. If there was a god that did get mad that you feel unhappy, I can't imagine he/she was all that supreme.

Thats exactly how my frustrating thoughts are towards God!


How can people say God is "fair" "just" and "loving" if he created Hell for the wicked which includes moral
atheists, agnostics, the depressed and suicidal? I can never envision such a just creator who is not only capable of giving Lucifer the free will to rebel against him (Despite all odds of winning) BUT the pleasure and satisfaction of bringing down & torturing human beings (Gods creation) in a bottomless place of torment
FOR ETERNITY!


What?!?!? God knows everything, he already knew Lucifer was going to lead a rebellion beforehand, yet he has the unlimited power to destroy Lucifer after loosing in heaven but chooses not to obliterate him because God still "loves" him??? *


Basically God would rather love the devil (probably more than human beings) by sending him down to Earth so he can tempt mankind into sin while giving him free will to torture us humans who apparently haven't suffered enough already in this life because we didn't believe his son rather than himself intervening in our personal lives by uuuuh I don't know....let me say for starters APPEARING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME PHYSICALLY SO THAT WE CAN KNOW YOU DO EXIST RATHER THAN BEING HIDDEN AND QUIET ALL THIS TIME

this is foolish sorry for ranting

 

[millefeui]

Thats exactly how my frustrating thoughts are towards God!


How can people say God is "fair" "just" and "loving" if he created Hell for the wicked which includes moral
atheists, agnostics, the depressed and suicidal? I can never envision such a just creator who is not only capable of giving Lucifer the free will to rebel against him (Despite all odds of winning) BUT the pleasure and satisfaction of bringing down & torturing human beings (Gods creation) in a bottomless place of torment
FOR ETERNITY!


What?!?!? God knows everything, he already knew Lucifer was going to lead a rebellion beforehand, yet he has the unlimited power to destroy Lucifer after loosing in heaven but chooses not to obliterate him because God still "loves" him??? *


Basically God would rather love the devil (probably more than human beings) by sending him down to Earth so he can tempt mankind into sin while giving him free will to torture us humans who apparently haven't suffered enough already in this life because we didn't believe his son rather than himself intervening in our personal lives by uuuuh I don't know....let me say for starters APPEARING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME PHYSICALLY SO THAT WE CAN KNOW YOU DO EXIST RATHER THAN BEING HIDDEN AND QUIET ALL THIS TIME

this is foolish sorry for ranting

The fact God created Lucifer knowing he would punish his son eternally by throwing him at the pits of hell is already messed up enough. It is like having a child only to cut their arms and legs and torture them their whole life. If God created Lucifer, he created the angel knowing all of his characteristics, personalities, desires, etc. So he knew his son would betray him. And yet, he created Lucifer. That is one lovely God. Then he created Jesus to... die. Wow, father of the year!

I don't mean to offend anyone who believes in God, but there are so so so many holes when it comes to the idea of the Christian God being a loving being.

 

[dwight]

this is foolish

YES it is. Knowing in good got damn well there ain't a 'god' in this bitch. world/universe etc.I'm sick of hearing any of this religious bullshit. As if you're torn up parents didn't brainwash you enough!

 

[Definitelyworried]

Yes, but like a few here have said if God exist and he would be the biblical God, with all the pain in the world we see and feel.
I'm not trying to convince anyone that God exist or that he is good or bad, all I'm saying is that these thoughts plague my mind when I'm at the edge of suicide.
A lot of the times I doubt that what the Bible says, is real. And a lot of the times when I do pray, things get worse, and a lot of the times when I pray or read the bible, I get even more suicidal, but in the same manner, I can't say for sure that there is no God.
There is no doubt that this world bring unimaginable suffering though, and I truly wonder, why?
I'm just really confused, I hope I don't offend anyone.

 

[Sternum]

Thats exactly how my frustrating thoughts are towards God!


How can people say God is "fair" "just" and "loving" if he created Hell for the wicked which includes moral
atheists, agnostics, the depressed and suicidal? I can never envision such a just creator who is not only capable of giving Lucifer the free will to rebel against him (Despite all odds of winning) BUT the pleasure and satisfaction of bringing down & torturing human beings (Gods creation) in a bottomless place of torment
FOR ETERNITY!


What?!?!? God knows everything, he already knew Lucifer was going to lead a rebellion beforehand, yet he has the unlimited power to destroy Lucifer after loosing in heaven but chooses not to obliterate him because God still "loves" him??? *


Basically God would rather love the devil (probably more than human beings) by sending him down to Earth so he can tempt mankind into sin while giving him free will to torture us humans who apparently haven't suffered enough already in this life because we didn't believe his son rather than himself intervening in our personal lives by uuuuh I don't know....let me say for starters APPEARING RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME PHYSICALLY SO THAT WE CAN KNOW YOU DO EXIST RATHER THAN BEING HIDDEN AND QUIET ALL THIS TIME

this is foolish sorry for ranting

Completely agree. Reminds me of this George Carlin bit-

 

[Definitelyworried]

A short clip for lonely people.

 

[Sternum]

A short clip for lonely people.

There is so much truth here. Even if it isn't brought on by unrequited love, tom's depicted state is pretty much me exactly. In the comments sectioned of this video, someone said 'this is suicide.' So true. I hope my suicide happens in a moment rather than a lifetime.

 

[Definitelyworried]

There is so much truth here. Even if it isn't brought on by unrequited love, tom's depicted state is pretty much me exactly. In the comments sectioned of this video, someone said 'this is suicide.' So true. I hope my suicide happens in a moment rather than a lifetime.

If u liked this clip, u should check some other clips by the same channel. Has some pretty decent ones.

 

[Nauseated]

Completely agree. Reminds me of this George Carlin bit-

Carlin is the greatest.

 

[Pained]

The feels I get from hearing this are so intense I've actually began one time to self Mutilate my arm to it..

 

[Definitelyworried]

This caught my attention. What do you guys think about this clip.
If I knew for sure that there is no afterlife I think I would be more ok with dying, I feel that I would had ctb already if I felt really sure that there is no afterlife.

 

[Pained]

I can't imagine this being true if you were brain dead..

 

[Definitelyworried]

I can't imagine this being true if you were brain dead..

Sometimes I'm really gullible.

 

[Definitelyworried]

This story is messed up.

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kalief_Browder

 

[Definitelyworried]

I have too much anxiety, it hurts.
I don't think people around me understand how bad I feel.