Deep down, honestly ... do you really want to die? Or do you want things/life to change?

[TriggerHappy]

I want to fucking die. If I had my sn, it'd be now.
When it arrives I doubt I'll not be able to stop myself.
Same day service, that's me!
I'm done with me, myself, my madness, the misery i inflict on those that love me.
I'm done.
I'm tired of postponing, pretending i'm moving on, making sure everyone is content, and yet I am unfulfilled..
living this dismally depressing existence.
I have fantastic cool stuff that inspires, but it doesn't matter
People love me and tell me I'm awesome, but it doesn't matter.
It just doesn't matter...

 

[Peaceisnear]

100% want to die but the question is does dying want me

 

[meetapple]

I need things to change but they are not in my control.

 

[Cant go back]

Deep down honestly…No I don't want to die. I just want everything to change, but I can't change it and I don't see it changing by itself.

 

[Fish Face]

I just want a bit of luck, just a bit. Everything I try just goes wrong, through no fault of my own. Just constant bad luck. I think I must have been a nazi guard in a previuos life or my life is a documentary for aliens on what ironacy is. If I wrote my life after 49 years nobody woukd believe it. My mum and dad accuse me of lying because of my bad luck. I know nothing is going to be good now after today, due to a freak coincidence. I have to prepare to die now. I have no options left at all. I cannot take anymore of being let down whilst trying so hard.

 

[meetapple]

I just want a bit of luck, just a bit. Everything I try just goes wrong, through no fault of my own. Just constant bad luck. I think I must have been a nazi guard in a previuos life or my life is a documentary for aliens on what ironacy is. If I wrote my life after 49 years nobody woukd believe it. My mum and dad accuse me of lying because of my bad luck. I know nothing is going to be good now after today, due to a freak coincidence. I have to prepare to die now. I have no options left at all. I cannot take anymore of being let down whilst trying so hard.

I feel for you. I feel exactly the same especially with others disbelieving what I say.

 

[YourNeighbor]

Life can be wonderful if one has one's health. Of course I don't want to die, and would rather simply have my health back. Every other hurdle to a good life can be worked on.

 

[Lifeless mindset]

I've written a pretty good story so far. I think its about time to end it.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I have bpd so sometimes I feel like I want to end it but at the same time when I have good mood I think:

I do not think I really want to die because I in general like some life experiences and sometimes world is aesthetically pleasing to me, also I do not really try to die I think, It is my coping mechanism. It sounds dumb as I know I am with people who really want to die.

If something bad happened like war I would ctb probably. But also being a soldier would be kinda exciting and scary at the same time and I might ctb with my gun. It all depends. After going through this site I realize that death is viable option if one can actually do it.

 

[PeacefulTonic]

I'd want to live if my health problems could be fixed, sadly the chances of this are extremely low

 

[LonelyBrazilian]

if i could erase from my mind the 21 years of loneliness and humiliation i went through, i could think about living

 

[SoDead]

I want to die mainly because of problems with my life which I cannot overcome. Unfortunately too many resources are required to make this life good, it is unrealistic to hope that I will ever have them.

 

[CrazyDiamond04]

Ideally I would want for things to change. I don't believe that it will happen though, hence the other option.

 

[NambaSutra]

My preference would be to be like other people I see when out who have friends and generally remain cheerful, and don't have the weird, almost unexplainable psychological problems I do. There are plenty of old people in my community who I see smiling and generally satisfied with life.

However I am not these people and so I think about death every day.

 

[Challu]

I'm looking for a change in reality. I want to know what pure happiness is like and the reason for suffering. Killing myself may incur a punishment from God, but I'd rather be punished by an honest holy God, than live here in depression, confusion and sickness.

I want to die, but only because I can't meet God any other way.

 

[squirley]

There has been way to many ups and downs.
For my whole life. Storming through abuse , rough upbringing, self-medicating. Legal issues.
Trusting the wrong people . Etc etc.
Especially my own faults and choices I've made.
This is how you learn and grow no matter how cruel.
But not realizing and identifying the impact these things truly had on me is my rise and fall.

Amazing times at the top.
Fun laughter enjoying life, work, gym, money, sobriety, sex etc. Meds / no meds.
Was it all fake? Was it a life well lived?
For me yes. And I've accepted my defeat.

It is all gone now and has been for awhile.

Falling down to rock rock bottom. I've usally been able to fight. To get back up. Start over.

But this time. It's just different. There is no more fire in me. Its hard to explain. But when you know you know.
And I refuse to start over.

Some would say the demons of mental health , physical injury, and lack of sobriety.
Mixed with not staying focused on one's self , goals and positive motivation.
Allowing your own negitivity along with others, poisoning your mind.
Is the perfect mixture for disaster.
And I agree.

The guilt , shame , embarrassment, anger, the massive weight of failure at the one chance I had left.

It's just to much this time.
And oddly enough. I'm ok with that. I just hope others see that I am at ease with my choice. And I'm no longer the man I once was.

 

[DazaiKinnie]

Replying to a thread on here, regarding SI, has got me thinking about this?

"The thought of dying has never bothered me, but getting hurt, losing blood, becoming crippled and the like—no thanks."
― Osamu Dazai, No Longer Human.
This expresses how I feel about death, well, in a way. In my own case, I fear the physical pain death will cause me, not being dead itself. The only things keeping me alive are just my passion and addiction for writing. The answer is yes, I do want to die, but in a peaceful way, and with all my books finished.

 

[Glandular]

I absolutely don't want to die. But my body is failing me and I'm in pain everyday. And there is only so much pain that I can tolerate. All I want is a cure for my physical disease but I know that there isn't any. If the doctors can't fix me I'll need to go. Yeah, it sucks.

 

[StolenLife]

I would not want to die if I had any hope that things would get better. However, currently everything is a downward spiral and the only good things in my life are leaving.

 

[PurpleParadigm]

I'd rather not but everything I've built is held together by spit. Like a brick house but with spit between the bricks, i stead of mortar. I'm the spit. Only a matter of time until it all comes crashing down.

 

[GasMonkey]

I want impossible changes (a young chad body with optimal health and a lot of money) but since they are impossible death becomes the only option.

 

[Deleted member 31858]

both, I would like things to change but only for a few years and I'm trying to do my best to make it so, but it's never been my plan to get old, I don't think I'll take that much, I always knew that I'm going to end all this myself same

 

[unnormal9]

Yes, deep down, honestly I want to fucking die. Unless you can give me what is needed, cause the ones who could have failed miserably over and over again for the past 7 and half years now.
I wouldn't have gotten SN (despite bad now) if I didn't.

 

[anywhere_else]

The best way I can describe this is that I want to unlive. I don't want to die, necessarily, what I want is to never have existed. I realise that's laced with melodrama but it's the only way I can articulate my feelings towards living and dying.

 

[Goukan「強姦」]

Do I REALLY want to die? I have asked myself that multiple times in my life. It's hard to say, I can grasp what makes me want to die but I wonder if there's really a way out.

I have had mental illneses for so long it started to affect my physical health. Chronic headaches, a (almost chronic atp) eating disorder that damaged my heart and pancreas, an OD attempt that gave me a seizure and an addiction to smoking that running my lungs. I have tried so hard over the years to get better, change my mindset, stop cold turkey my addiction go to therapy, make research on my symtomes to help doctors. I have gave my soul to get better but I'm still so broken inside. The meds dont work, the therapy is expensive and slow the psych ward traumatize me.

If I wanted to not die by suicide I would have to change myself as a whole. I was made to kill myself and I know that since I'm 12. Doesn't mean I'll do it soon but I know it my fate. I'm following the flow of life and trying hard to cling onto anyhting that'll make me stay because even tho I can't feel it I know others don't want me gone but as I get older it gets so much harder to do.

 

[Escapee]

I'm looking for a change in reality. I want to know what pure happiness is like and the reason for suffering. Killing myself may incur a punishment from God, but I'd rather be punished by an honest holy God, than live here in depression, confusion and sickness.

I want to die, but only because I can't meet God any other way.

I agree with every word you said. Especially " I would rather be punished by an honest holy God than live here. Thank you for this God given revelation. Yes God is honest and holy. May God bless you for realising this even while you are in your suffering. Only the holy spirit within you revealed this to you.

I want to die, but only because I can't meet God any other way.

This is one proof suicide May not be a sin. I am wondering what God say when he read this! This is the same thing in my mind. I am being compelled to pray for you even though I am tired of praying. To pray for you to meet your God very soon. I need your prayer to me as well brother. I pray we meet our God very soon. But I know our enemy don't want that. He wants to prolong our suffering as long as possible. We have to stand for one another in prayer that is the only way we can defeat him. God bless you

 

[Challu]

I agree with every word you said. Especially " I would rather be punished by an honest holy God than live here. Thank you for this God given revelation. Yes God is honest and holy. May God bless you for realising this even while you are in your suffering. Only the holy spirit within you revealed this to you.


This is one proof suicide May not be a sin. I am wondering what God say when he read this! This is the same thing in my mind. I am being compelled to pray for you even though I am tired of praying. To pray for you to meet your God very soon. I need your prayer to me as well brother. I pray we meet our God very soon. But I know our enemy don't want that. He wants to prolong our suffering as long as possible. We have to stand for one another in prayer that is the only way we can defeat him. God bless you

Going forward, you're be in my prayers. Pm me for any specific you need prayers for. I will be praying that you find peace of mind, that God may give to you what you're longing for, and that He might remember us in His Kingdom.

 

[unnormal9]

Nothing could change in this life; that would be another dream—not reality. Took me years to accept it. Took me longer to fight it.

I want to fucking die. If I had my sn, it'd be now.
When it arrives I doubt I'll not be able to stop myself.
I'm done with me, myself, my madness, the misery i inflict on others
I'm done.
I'm tired of postponing, pretending i'm moving on, and yet I am unfulfilled..
It just doesn't matter...

Close, but still factually true.

 

[hikki]

I wish I could be punished for everything I did, for everyone I wronged and hurt.
Still, that wouldn't be enough. I can't forget nor forgive myself,
I just don't know. I wish I could turn myself off, or not having born.
Every time I try, every time I fail. I do think I deserve the pain I am feeling right now.
Yet I cannot take it anymore,
I feel like things could have been different
I really do. It's too late

 

[Das Nichts]

No, I don't want to die. I just can't deal with this feelings anymore.