mold
local fungi
- Jun 25, 2019
- 85
Maybe I'm just coming to terms with it, but it just feels so natural. I planned everything, a day, how, when. I even made a checklist of what I need to do. Every other time I did this I would be freaking out, panicking, in a manic state, but I just feel so... calm? Every other time I would genuinely freak out and chicken out, but I guess that just means this time it's really happening and I've just kind of come to terms with it?
The pain is still unbearable, yeah, and I am still full of regrets and sadness knowing all the things I couldn't do, the goodbyes I couldn't say, the people that would miss me, but it isn't hitting me as hard as I thought it would. Back then all of this would make me hesitate and cry or break down but I think it just means I'm ready now. I still wish my family and friends wouldn't mourn or grieve me, I know it's gonna be inevitable, but it doesn't make me want to hesitate anymore. I'm gonna miss my mom a lot. I know she'd be ruined.
If anyone is curious, I picked some time before my next semester, on Easter, a holiday I've always liked, even though I'm not religious. It always was just a fun holiday for me as a kid, and it always landed very very close to my actual birthday, and those were the last few times I really felt happy on/around my birthday. It's too bad it won't be on my actual birthday, but I think my semester literally starts on my birthday, and all my friends turned down my invitation to my get together (for valid reasons btw, they're not bad friends to me in the slightest! Schedules just didn't align. I'm not blaming them or saying them not coming to my silly birthday party is the reason I'm CTB, that's just childish lol). I'm going to go to a beach town that I hear is really beautiful in my country. I'm not necessary a huge fan of the beach, if anything I'd rather go anywhere else in the outdoors if you gave me the option, but I think it would be a nice trip and the last bit of fun I can get. Just 2 or 3 days of solo travel in a beautiful town, peaceful.
The pain is still unbearable, yeah, and I am still full of regrets and sadness knowing all the things I couldn't do, the goodbyes I couldn't say, the people that would miss me, but it isn't hitting me as hard as I thought it would. Back then all of this would make me hesitate and cry or break down but I think it just means I'm ready now. I still wish my family and friends wouldn't mourn or grieve me, I know it's gonna be inevitable, but it doesn't make me want to hesitate anymore. I'm gonna miss my mom a lot. I know she'd be ruined.
If anyone is curious, I picked some time before my next semester, on Easter, a holiday I've always liked, even though I'm not religious. It always was just a fun holiday for me as a kid, and it always landed very very close to my actual birthday, and those were the last few times I really felt happy on/around my birthday. It's too bad it won't be on my actual birthday, but I think my semester literally starts on my birthday, and all my friends turned down my invitation to my get together (for valid reasons btw, they're not bad friends to me in the slightest! Schedules just didn't align. I'm not blaming them or saying them not coming to my silly birthday party is the reason I'm CTB, that's just childish lol). I'm going to go to a beach town that I hear is really beautiful in my country. I'm not necessary a huge fan of the beach, if anything I'd rather go anywhere else in the outdoors if you gave me the option, but I think it would be a nice trip and the last bit of fun I can get. Just 2 or 3 days of solo travel in a beautiful town, peaceful.
