I have teetered on the edge of this cliff for so long. I have tried so many things trying to find a way to not end up in this place, but I am here, and I don't see a future. I can barely see the end of the week, a future just isn't there.
I lost my job several months ago, which seems to be a pattern in my life. I do really well to start, but after a couple of years, I struggle to keep it together. My never-ending health issues combined with personal anxiety, loneliness, and soul-aching sadness usually become too much to hide. Employers lose their tolerance for flexibility around doctors' appointments, procedures, and surgeries that keep me "alive" without a life to live. I am always told its not my performance, they just need me to be there more than I am gone. This time I no longer have any reasons and no desire to remain in this existence. When I lost my job this time I set a deadline. I for some reason several months ago bought a ticket to see a band whose music I like. I had hoped to find a friend or group to go to the concert with me but no, now the concert is this Saturday and I am going alone. In a lot of ways it seems like a perfect statement about my life. I probably won't be the only person their alone but that doesn't make me feel any less unwanted.
Anyway, my plan is for this weekend. Even the weather is cooperating. Hurricane Erin is forecast to bring 6-12 foot waves and rip tides with Sunday waves and rip tides decreasing but not back to calm waters. I am going to make sure that my life vest "malfunctions" and combine the open waters of the Atlantic coast, a sit/stand-up paddleboard a heavy handed dose of muscle relaxers and pain meds and it should appear as just another inexperienced paddleboard on the open water with a life vest malfunction. The beach I am going to is a public beach but doesn't have lifeguards. Is there anything that I am forgetting or that you would change if this was your method for CTB?
I am so tired, tired of trying, tired of looking for a reason to continue, tired of disapointing everyone in my life, tired and alone. I had originally planned to CTB at home, but I realized that since I lost my job no one expects me anywhere, checks up on me, calls or texts. The idea that it could be a while before I was found at home until there was a smell from my decomposing body is not the last memory I want anyone to have of anyone ever.
I lost my job several months ago, which seems to be a pattern in my life. I do really well to start, but after a couple of years, I struggle to keep it together. My never-ending health issues combined with personal anxiety, loneliness, and soul-aching sadness usually become too much to hide. Employers lose their tolerance for flexibility around doctors' appointments, procedures, and surgeries that keep me "alive" without a life to live. I am always told its not my performance, they just need me to be there more than I am gone. This time I no longer have any reasons and no desire to remain in this existence. When I lost my job this time I set a deadline. I for some reason several months ago bought a ticket to see a band whose music I like. I had hoped to find a friend or group to go to the concert with me but no, now the concert is this Saturday and I am going alone. In a lot of ways it seems like a perfect statement about my life. I probably won't be the only person their alone but that doesn't make me feel any less unwanted.
Anyway, my plan is for this weekend. Even the weather is cooperating. Hurricane Erin is forecast to bring 6-12 foot waves and rip tides with Sunday waves and rip tides decreasing but not back to calm waters. I am going to make sure that my life vest "malfunctions" and combine the open waters of the Atlantic coast, a sit/stand-up paddleboard a heavy handed dose of muscle relaxers and pain meds and it should appear as just another inexperienced paddleboard on the open water with a life vest malfunction. The beach I am going to is a public beach but doesn't have lifeguards. Is there anything that I am forgetting or that you would change if this was your method for CTB?
I am so tired, tired of trying, tired of looking for a reason to continue, tired of disapointing everyone in my life, tired and alone. I had originally planned to CTB at home, but I realized that since I lost my job no one expects me anywhere, checks up on me, calls or texts. The idea that it could be a while before I was found at home until there was a smell from my decomposing body is not the last memory I want anyone to have of anyone ever.
