ctb tonight

[natali4]

I reached my last straw today morning. Everytime I feel like I've reached my last straw I know I want to ctb, but I always push it. Today immediately I knew I cannot push it further. I will use Stan's stat regime. I have SN, meto, tagamet, ibuprofen, and propranolol.
Its 12:40 pm here right now, my last meal was last night around 10:00 pm. I haven't eaten anything since then and I won't be eating anything now. I know I didn't plan to ctb today but I have all my supplies and I really want to successfully go through with it. I don't know if I will make it, I don't know if SI will kick in and I will ruin everything, but I really have to try.

I don't want to say goodbye to anyone here. I didn't get to make close friends here, but you all have been more empathetic and kind to me than anyone else I've ever known in my entire life. I have social anxiety and found it hard to talk to people here but no matter what I want you all to know that you are kind, you matter, and you deserve all the happiness in the world. I have deleted all emails from SS in my inbox and trash. As time goes by, I will delete it from my phone and clear all browser history. I plan to take SN around 10:00pm EST tonight. I haven't tested my SN, but I bought it a year ago and never opened it and stored it in a bag since then. So I am hoping it will work. Same goes for meto and propranolol.

I have known that I want to ctb for a very long time now, and I know my decision is rushed but I just need to try. If I fail or if I decide to change my decision at any point today, I will update my decision here. Sorry if this post seems hasty or incoherent, my mind is thinking of a million things right now, I just want to prepare and watch tv for the rest of the day to distract myself.

 

[Al_stargate]

Sorry about your pain and suffering. It's a tough decision that a lot of people had to make and a lot of us on here will have to make as well. Don't know your problem or what pain you are trying to avoid by doing this so I'm not gonna try and talk you out of it but as they say here; wish you well in whatever happens! And it's never too late to back out. Peace.

 

[Glowarm]

Sounds like you have everything needed from Stan's guide. And You as well, you matter and deserve all the happiness in the world. Whether you do or do not I support your choice.

 

[WorthlessTrash]

I hope you find inner peace from this suffering. Perhaps we will meet on the other side

 

[FuneralCry]

I hope you find relief from your suffering in whatever you decide to do. I'm sorry that it has come to this point for you.

 

[Lullaby]

I wish we had talked more, I feel so bad! I know how you're feeling right now and if I had my SN, I'd be doing the same.

If you decide to change your mind, I and everyone else is still here for you.

 

[Achlys]

Hope you find peace in one way or another.

 

[natali4]

I wish we had talked more, I feel so bad! I know how you're feeling right now and if I had my SN, I'd be doing the same.

If you decide to change your mind, I and everyone else is still here for you.

Don't feel bad @BracketsHTML ! I'm glad I got to exchange some messages with you! You are a good person!

 

[DPJ187]

I wish I had the courage to to today. I only have a train line available right now which isnt my preferred method, I'm waiting on my SN arriving, then just my AE and I'll be ready to go peacefully. It's worth noting I dont wish any harm to anyone, I'm of sound mind and all i want is to be allowed peacefully to go. Doctors should be willing to help, police should allow me a safe space to go to, to reduce mess and issues for first responders. This is barbaric forcing us to be criminals, I wish you peace my friend

 

[natali4]

Just wrote my ctb note. I always thought of writing so much for so many people, but right now it all feels pointless. The only people I want to write to are my parents. There's nothing I can say or explain that will help anyone understand what I am going through and why I am choosing this. I re-read the meretlein's thoughts on suicide, and at the end of the day we are truly alone in everything.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

I wish you a peaceful transition I wish it didn't have to come to this for you

 

[whitefeather]

What you are doing will work just fine. I will drink N without anything else, which will also work just fine .

 

[JamieJambo]

I cured my Social Anxiety fully ten years ago. I mainly used NLP and a book called Thrive. If you decide not to go through with it. Try and cure your Social Anxiety and see if it gives you the life you want

I cured my Social Anxiety fully ten years ago. I mainly used NLP and a book called Thrive. If you decide not to go through with it. Try and cure your Social Anxiety and see if it gives you the life you want

This is the book

THE THRIVE PROGRAMME - Take Control of Your Mental Wellbeing...

The Thrive Programme® is mental health training that teaches people the skills and resources to overcome mental health issues and learn to...

www.thriveprogramme.org

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

Godspeed.

 

[VoidDesirer22]

Goodbye <3

 

[CommitSudoku]

Whatever you decide to do I hope it's what you decide is best for yourself. I'm sorry for everything that happened which pushed you to such a point and that you've had to suffer so much. You deserve peace and happiness and I hope you can find it whatever you decide to do. Best wishes, I hope you can find peace.

 

[Ecka-26]

I hope you find peace with whatever you decide to do. Postive Vibes

 

[MatthewV3]

Good luck.

 

[natali4]

I know that I wrote earlier that I am writing this in haste and today was not the day that I had picked for ctb. But I want to clarify that I am of sane mind. Of course I am feeling a lot of emotions right now, but this is something that I have been thinking about for a year. I would keep postponing it in the hope that life will change, and trust me I have worked very hard every single day to get there. But it just hasn't happened. I spent the last 5 months crying every single day, almost in isolation. A random streak of serotonin would postpone my ctb plan and I would regret it later. But today I know that I cannot wake up another day with this pain.

I don't hate life, I see people around me enjoying simple things and I feel so sad because I can't do that anymore. I think a person can only do so much. And I am all burnt out now, even if I want to, I don't have an iota of energy in me to do anything now. The only thing that makes me sad is to think about all the good times I've had, I wish I could go back in those moments and experience those emotions again. But I think that is natural about dying. We are all afraid of the unknown and sad at the thought of never enjoying simple things again.

I have not changed my mind yet. I still want to ctb tonight. I am scared but I also know there is no other option. I will update again soon, whether I go through it or not.

 

[Glowarm]

I'm really sorry that things are so hard for you. Whether you go through with ctb or not, we're here for you. Just hope you find peace.

 

[natali4]

So I didn't go through with it last night. I fasted and dehydrated myself for 24 hours. I felt very weak (mostly from dehydration) and like my brain was not able to think straight. Obviously I woke up regretting and crying. I hope I find the strength to end all the suffering soon. Thank you for all your support.

 

[Achlys]

So I didn't go through with it last night. I fasted and dehydrated myself for 24 hours. I felt very weak (mostly from dehydration) and like my brain was not able to think straight. Obviously I woke up regretting and crying. I hope I find the strength to end all the suffering soon. Thank you for all your support.

Why'd you regret it? Perhaps it is not your time yet. Once again, wishing you the best.

 

[natali4]

Why'd you regret it? Perhaps it is not your time yet. Once again, wishing you the best.

Because I am in pain. And I have been in pain for a very long time. Normies say keep going, keep fighting, and things will get better and there will be a happy ending. But I did fight and I did work hard for a very very long time, and now I just can't anymore. I wish people would understand that. Giving up is ok because i just don't have the strength to bear more pain. The only way out is ctb, and that's why I regret not going through with it.

 

[Achlys]

Because I am in pain. And I have been in pain for a very long time. Normies say keep going, keep fighting, and things will get better and there will be a happy ending. But I did fight and I did work hard for a very very long time, and now I just can't anymore. I wish people would understand that. Giving up is ok because i just don't have the strength to bear more pain. The only way out is ctb, and that's why I regret not going through with it.

Sorry to hear you're in so much pain. Each of us have our own reasons, so I hope I didn't come across as questioning your motives or resolve. And, agreed. "Things will get better," is the platitude I detest the most.

 

[natali4]

Sorry to hear you're in so much pain. Each of us have our own reasons, so I hope I didn't come across as questioning your motives or resolve. And, agreed. "Things will get better," is the platitude I detest the most.

No you didn't! I would just like my time to come soon.

 

[Darkover]

well your still here another year in hell it is for you then. it is a terrilbe place to do this to us.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I will delete it from my phone and clear all browser history.

If it important for you that people not know about your "personal" conversations and the like, and anything else you don't feel they should know about, the only way to accomplish that is by destroying your hard drive on your computer. And if you do go through with your plans, good luck to you and I hope you find that elusive peace we all search for.

I don't have an iota of energy in me to do anything now

Depression sucks the spark of life right out of us.

 

[natali4]

Sorry for my continuous rant here since yesterday, but I am feeling desperate and angry at my inability to ctb. I wasn't supposed to wake up today. I trying to attempt my stat regime now. I don't know if I will have the courage to drink SN, but I just took 600mg ibuprofen, and 200mg propranolol. I crushed the rest of propranolol in a glass which I will mix with SN in an hour.

 

[humanhuman]

Hi Natali
Live Natali. Live, live, live

 

[natali4]

Hi!

Hi Natali