jakerjays
Member
- Jul 29, 2025
- 25
Attempt number 3! Any more than that and it starts to get a little bit silly.
I'm just tired. I've been chronically suicidal since I was 13 and have had on and off problems with self harm that I haven't been able to get support for. I also have bipolar disorder and autism, which makes making and maintaining relationships impossible.
Ontop of that, I have no desire to change. No desire to get better or to help myself, I just want to get worse or die.
My love for art kept me alive for a while, but now it just feels hopeless. A job in art is impossible to get, especially as somebody who makes suggestive queer art that is critical of religion, and I'm slowly realising that I'm far less skilled than I thought I was. I didn't think that I was some kind of fine gallery artist, but I keep discovering things that I need to practice more or just am not good at. That is the nature of art, but as somebody who's already on the edge, my confidence being knocked down in something I love and feel comfortable with has just been.... detrimental. I don't have the energy to improbe or practice or get better.
My last attempts were July 20th and 25th.
The 20th wasn't fully an attempt as I didn't even make it to where I planned to die, but it was the first time I really planned a date and thought, 'today's the day I CTB'.
On the 25th, I was more prepared. I went and got food I loved and hung out by the open train tracks for a while, I even walked along them and laid down across them several times, but I wussed out last minute.
This time, I'm going to go out by myself to town, buy some cake and snacks and get some fast food and drinks before going to my spot. I don't want time to stew there and think about things, I'm gonna have a fun, relaxed day and then when I get to my spot I'll sit on the tracks and die. This should hopefully limit the chance of me overthinking my way out of it. Keep myself busy until the last second. The alcohol should help too.
My last attempts were ones where I was going to attempt train decapitation, but I think that this time I'll just sit between the rails which should hopefully make my body feel less vulnerable to my brain. We don't get incredibly fast trains here, just cross-country lines that go about 55-60 mph, so I'll just have to hope.
I can only pray that I'll be reincarnated and have another chance to live an easier life.
If anyone has any tips, advice, or just wants to talk, please feel free.
I'm just tired. I've been chronically suicidal since I was 13 and have had on and off problems with self harm that I haven't been able to get support for. I also have bipolar disorder and autism, which makes making and maintaining relationships impossible.
Ontop of that, I have no desire to change. No desire to get better or to help myself, I just want to get worse or die.
My love for art kept me alive for a while, but now it just feels hopeless. A job in art is impossible to get, especially as somebody who makes suggestive queer art that is critical of religion, and I'm slowly realising that I'm far less skilled than I thought I was. I didn't think that I was some kind of fine gallery artist, but I keep discovering things that I need to practice more or just am not good at. That is the nature of art, but as somebody who's already on the edge, my confidence being knocked down in something I love and feel comfortable with has just been.... detrimental. I don't have the energy to improbe or practice or get better.
My last attempts were July 20th and 25th.
The 20th wasn't fully an attempt as I didn't even make it to where I planned to die, but it was the first time I really planned a date and thought, 'today's the day I CTB'.
On the 25th, I was more prepared. I went and got food I loved and hung out by the open train tracks for a while, I even walked along them and laid down across them several times, but I wussed out last minute.
This time, I'm going to go out by myself to town, buy some cake and snacks and get some fast food and drinks before going to my spot. I don't want time to stew there and think about things, I'm gonna have a fun, relaxed day and then when I get to my spot I'll sit on the tracks and die. This should hopefully limit the chance of me overthinking my way out of it. Keep myself busy until the last second. The alcohol should help too.
My last attempts were ones where I was going to attempt train decapitation, but I think that this time I'll just sit between the rails which should hopefully make my body feel less vulnerable to my brain. We don't get incredibly fast trains here, just cross-country lines that go about 55-60 mph, so I'll just have to hope.
I can only pray that I'll be reincarnated and have another chance to live an easier life.
If anyone has any tips, advice, or just wants to talk, please feel free.
Last edited:
I wish you peace
