Venting CTB and the thought of missing out the rest of my life

[Praestat_Mori]

How nice would it be to just CTB or to fall into eternal sleep but in the same time there's a thought - the thought of missing out the rest of my life.

 

[lifteddream]

I know exactly what you mean

 

[rozeske]

Am at a point where I've given up on all future whatever but I really do hope things work out for the better for you and you get to enjoy yours

 

[theboy]

me 2

 

[LostSoul1965]

I keep thinking the same thing....all the things I want to do and miss doing. Problem is with my physical/mental issues that is not possible without help from someone else but that is not going to happen. I just sit here and rot. So at the end of the day every day I pray to go to sleep and not wakeup. My main issue is a cornea disease that has taken my vision and independance.

 

[Time4Peace]

I want to go where there is peace no more suffering, so the clock of my patience is ticking...

 

[sserafim]

I want to ctb because I *don't* want to live out the rest of my life

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

It's easy to think about all the things left accomplished without thinking of all the stress and mental anguish that inevitably comes with it. This thought crossed my mind in my suicidal 20s and 30s. Now that I'm 44, I'm left wondering who the fck was I kidding? It never got better. I didn't accomplish anything. I'm foolish for thinking I would.

 

[sserafim]

It's easy to think about all the things left accomplished without thinking of all the stress and mental anguish that inevitably comes with it. This thought crossed my mind in my suicidal 20s and 30s. Now that I'm 44, I'm left wondering who the fck was I kidding? It never got better. I didn't accomplish anything. I'm foolish for thinking I would.

I'm suicidal because I *don't* want to live out a full life. I want to escape adulthood and the future by dying young. I don't understand why people are sad about missing out on the rest of their life. I never saw anything positive about adulthood, middle or old age. I think that the sad truth of this world is that things just get worse with time. Everything decays

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

I'm suicidal because I *don't* want to live out a full life. I want to escape adulthood and the future by dying young. I don't understand why people are sad about missing out on the rest of their life. I never saw anything positive about adulthood, middle or old age. I think that the sad truth of this world is that things just get worse with time. Everything decays

I never really had any kind of urgeto keep living. I always wanted to CTB from the moment I learned about the concept of it. The only thing that forced me to keep going was not wanting to cause destruction to my family. Looking back, I should have been more selfish. But now that I am much older, I feel like I have paid my dues and suffered for the sake of not hurting them long enough.

 

[hellispink]

Doesnt apply to me. I dont want nothing to do with this hell place. If you have things you wish to experience still then fight for them . Suicide must be something you 100% secure of wanting. I think if you think this way you have doubts and when there is doubts there is still "hope"

 

[AkaRed]

I'm suicidal because I *don't* want to live out a full life. I want to escape adulthood and the future by dying young. I don't understand why people are sad about missing out on the rest of their life. I never saw anything positive about adulthood, middle or old age. I think that the sad truth of this world is that things just get worse with time. Everything decays

From a perspective of someone that struggles with this thought- it mostly comes from a place of longing and probably internal loneliness to some degree.
It doesn't have to come with everything, but sometimes you can find yourself thinking "I'll never experience this, or be able to try that". Even if I want to CTB, I'm only so human and have a few things I wish I could cross off my bucket list- but knowing I'll never have that opportunity whether I CTB or not is pretty heart-wrenching.
I really don't believe there is anything left for me, and I don't see how anything can improve. It fuels my desire to CTB, but also leaves me feeling endlessly hopeless and very empty inside. When I watch others have the things I crave the most, it just reminds me how cruel and unfair this existence is.

From there it kinda just spirals into thinking about what life would've been like in an alternate, happy reality. There are so many things I will never get to experience. It sucks.

<3

 

[LaughingGoat]

FOMO generally holds people back more than it helps, suicidal or not. Earth was around 4.6 billions years before you were born and will be around long after your dead, so either way you missed/will miss out on a ton.

 

[Eudaimonic]

FOMO generally holds people back more than it helps, suicidal or not. Earth was around 4.6 billions years before you were born and will be around long after your dead, so either way you missed/will miss out on a ton.

This is a logical answer; however, people are invested in their actual life, and not in a hypothetical life they could have had if they had been born in the 18th century.

 

[LaughingGoat]

This is a logical answer; however, people are invested in their actual life, and not in a hypothetical life they could have had if they had been born in the 18th century.

Absolutely. I would say though that becoming comfortable and connected with non-existence is a proven technique used in many philosophies to deal with these feelings.

 

[Eudaimonic]

Absolutely. I would say though that becoming comfortable and connected with non-existence is a proven technique used in many philosophies to deal with these feelings.

I agree! I think that deprivationism makes little sense, though I'm agnostic about nonexistence being what happens after death because of credible veridical NDE reports, the philosophical problems with materialism/physicalism, the hard problem of consciousness and the explanatory gap, and personal identity potentially being open.

 

[MyChoiceAlone]

i thought you were younger? but yes. old age is just pain. especially if you did not take care of yourself. i know what i am experiencing now is my own fault. i wish you better days than mine.

 

[LaughingGoat]

I agree! I think that deprivationism makes little sense, though I'm agnostic about nonexistence being what happens after death because of credible veridical NDE reports, the philosophical problems with materialism/physicalism, the hard problem of consciousness and the explanatory gap, and personal identity potentially being open.

100%, we have relatively such a tiny understanding philosophy of mind or the universe period. I'm sure we'll continue to make increasingly larger jumps in technology and science, but what we may discover in cognitive science and metaphysics is most exciting to me.

 

[Dark Moon]

Yeah I still want to ctb and I don't mind missing the rest of my life.

 

[Lifeaffirmingchoice]

How nice would it be to just CTB or to fall into eternal sleep but in the same time there's a thought - the thought of missing out the rest of my life.

No one will be there to experience that feeling of missing

 

[Eudaimonic]

100%, we have relatively such a tiny understanding philosophy of mind or the universe period. I'm sure we'll continue to make increasingly larger jumps in technology and science, but what we may discover in cognitive science and metaphysics is most exciting to me.

Indeed. It regularly causes me a fair amount of distress because I really, really want the physicalists and closed/empty individualists (I consider myself an empty individualist) to be right so that I don't have to suffer any more of this, and so that no one does. More than anything, I want it to be lights out. I view it as cutting one's losses. If I could, I'd eliminate the entire range of possibilities of postmortem survival because of all the horror it contains.

 

[Little_Suzy]

Are you frustrated with how anhedonia undermines suicide acceptance?

I've finally accepted my illness and troubling thoughts, but I no longer have the will or energy to say goodbye to myself and rest in peace.

Has anyone overcome anhedonia? How long does it take?

 

[LaVieEnRose]

That's what is motivating me.

The future, both mine and in general, is scary to me. Whatever positive and interesting developments don't matter because I have no place in them.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Indeed. It regularly causes me a fair amount of distress because I really, really want the physicalists and closed/empty individualists (I consider myself an empty individualist) to be right so that I don't have to suffer any more of this, and so that no one does. More than anything, I want it to be lights out. I view it as cutting one's losses. If I could, I'd eliminate the entire range of possibilities of postmortem survival because of all the horror it contains.

Love it, I'm an empty individualist as well. Personally, I've never seen any evidence or convincing argument that leads to a possibility of any postmortem survival so I have complete certainty your consciousness will cease in every form but feel free to haunt me if I'm wrong.

Are you frustrated with how anhedonia undermines suicide acceptance?

I've finally accepted my illness and troubling thoughts, but I no longer have the will or energy to say goodbye to myself and rest in peace.

Has anyone overcome anhedonia? How long does it take?

That's very interesting, for me it was the opposite and I had to go through stages of anhedonia to feel committed to my plans to ctb (still here obviously due to other factors).

 

[Eudaimonic]

Love it, I'm an empty individualist as well. Personally, I've never seen any evidence or convincing argument that leads to a possibility of any postmortem survival so I have complete certainty your consciousness will cease in every form but feel free to haunt me if I'm wrong.

Any arguments in favor do not exactly convince me of it. It's more so that I'm afraid of the possibility. There are definite issues with physicalism or at least materialism. I'm not sure if I'm convinced by attempts to explain away the explanatory gap by referencing the identities of non-phenomenal things that we do not question, like that of H2O, for example. That's the only somewhat reasonable argument I've heard. Dennettian-style eliminative materialism strikes me as downright absurd. Maybe David Pearce's nonmaterialist physicalism (https://www.physicalism.com/) is right, idk. I do of course think empty individualism is more plausible than open individualism, but OI is not incoherent afaict. It may be the correct model. And like I said, veridical NDEs do give me pause, though I don't think they are necessarily proof of dualism.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

i thought you were younger? but yes. old age is just pain. especially if you did not take care of yourself. i know what i am experiencing now is my own fault. i wish you better days than mine.

I would say that old age is not always just pain and suffering, it depends on ones general health. I'm not that old yet - still some decades to go to reach really old age. I mean 8x and 9x yo. If not for my "materialistic problem" I also have hope that I could be lucky in this high age.

 

[AnonymousL]

How nice would it be to just CTB or to fall into eternal sleep but in the same time there's a thought - the thought of missing out the rest of my life.

There's days I am so certain that I will CTB when I have everything and other days I feel like I have to hold on. Because there's a lot more to come.

On bad days nothing is enough to make me stay
But on neutral days I can't stop thinking about the memories i won't get to make with my loved ones.


Death is forever, it's permanent.
There will always be more time to make that decision. But once you made it , there is no going back.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

Death is forever, it's permanent.
There will always be more time to make that decision. But once you made it , there is no going back.

That is true. But death is also inevitable whether sooner or later - on very big time scales even stars are dying and the universe itself is gonna die. From this point of view death can't be sth bad at all.

 

[AnonymousL]

That is true. But death is also inevitable whether sooner or later - on very big time scales even stars are dying and the universe itself is gonna die. From this point of view death can't be sth bad at all.

Exactly. Death will happen at some point in your life. That could be a relief. It will happen against or with your will.

So you can just give it more time to make the decision as it will happen anyways.

 

[LaughingGoat]

Any arguments in favor do not exactly convince me of it. It's more so that I'm afraid of the possibility. There are definite issues with physicalism or at least materialism. I'm not sure if I'm convinced by attempts to explain away the explanatory gap by referencing the identities of non-phenomenal things that we do not question, like that of H2O, for example. That's the only somewhat reasonable argument I've heard. Dennettian-style eliminative materialism strikes me as downright absurd. Maybe David Pearce's nonmaterialist physicalism (https://www.physicalism.com/) is right, idk. I do of course think empty individualism is more plausible than open individualism, but OI is not incoherent afaict. It may be the correct model. And like I said, veridical NDEs do give me pause, though I don't think they are necessarily proof of dualism.

I definitely agree we have much to learn regarding physicalism, even though it's what I lean towards. The explanatory gap and the problem of empirical and conceptual truths is fascinating, I'm not sure we'll ever understand consciousness which seems like a cosmic joke given how core it is to our self identity as an evolved sentient species.