Considering CTB today or tomorrow

[consideringawayout]

I'm considering CTB today or tomorrow. Initially, I thought of jumping from 100m+ cliff. Even though that method provides 100% certainty, it is brutal on the body. I got to know this thanks to one forum member, which mentioned the WPD website. I decided just to block blood flow to the brain either by partial hanging or tourniquet, which is a calmer way of ending things, and will put less burden on ER workers.

I do this because of recently acquired tinnitus, as a result of 2 stupid acoustic traumas due to loud live music in closed venues. After that, my greatest life enjoyment (which I understood only after losing it), music has been vanished... In addition to that, I lost the ability to focus, and I feel dizzy (likely due to cochlea hair cell damage) when walking or swimming. That limits my further work prospects and physical health. There is no hope, as hair cells do not regenerate once damaged, more than 1 month has passed. I know I won't be able to habituate to my T as I was very sensitive to quiet constant noise sounds, since I've always put my attention on sound, which is likely a result of my musical training. Otherwise, I was healthy and physically fit, earning middle-class salary, although from time to time I had little issues connecting with people, and had issues finding a girlfriend.

Since I lost most of my greatest pleasures in life, and don't want to degrade to a level of vegetable, I plan to CTB. I am 26.

I would like to thank members of this forum for providing useful resources how to achieve silence in my head.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds so horrible what you go through, I hope that you find freedom from your suffering, best wishes.

 

[iloverachel]

I hope it is a peaceful journey my friend
See you on the other side

 

[Dark Window]

100m cliff? Beachy head?

 

[lkjhgfdsa1]

i want to go asap too

 

[ms_beaverhousen]

What is that website?

 

[consideringawayout]

100m cliff? Beachy head?

No, another one, tall enough, nobody had survived there.

 

[Dark Window]

No, another one, tall enough, nobody had survived there.

In the UK? Where abouts ?

 

[consideringawayout]

In the UK? Where abouts ?

It is located in Central Europe. I do not want to advertise the place to avoid encouraging anybody going there. I was there 2 times actually, last time I was 100% sure I will do it, but I wasn't courageous enough to jump.

I've just tried tourniquet method as described in the last five acts book, but my SI kicked in before even the slightest possible compression, heartbeat increased, felt adrenaline and I just removed the thing. I started to think "What if I get better", "such a stupid reason to die". I also took an antidepressant pill 15mg Mirtazapine, and that had probably helped me to better appreciate life and relieve from thoughts of dying. I decided to postpone this by a couple of months, since I still have a chance to habituate to my tinnitus, which is 1 month only. But the funny thing is that I will probably regret it tomorrow, will see.

 

[imsotired35]

I know this goes against the point of the site and I don't want to be that one annoying and patronising person, but one month is not a lot of time. Please make sure this is what you truly want and not an impulsive decision

 

[consideringawayout]

I know this goes against the point of the site and I don't want to be that one annoying and patronising person, but one month is not a lot of time. Please make sure this is what you truly want and not an impulsive decision

Thanks for your support. I weighted all factors, but healing is not possible. I will have to CTB, but I have to overcome my fears when compressing. Jumping is easier in the regard that once you start, you can't stop it. Which isn't the case with compression --- it gives time to think.

 

[consideringawayout]

I think I am ready. I exhausted myself playing 4.5 hours of Battlefield 4. Now I'm finishing my preparations, and will try.
Guys, when I tried, the rope had broken. Going to jump probably.

 

[consideringawayout]

After 2 failed attempts of compression, (I haven't passed out, but probably was very close to it when the ligature cropped), but it was enough to be afraid as hell, I think it did minor brain damage, so nothing without consequences. I decided to recover.

 

[bramblebamblebambe]

Ahhh this sounds so overwhelming and painful to go through, attempting has it's own kind of trauma I hope your tinnitus has not gotten worse from it.

 

[fleetingnight]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with this, but all of are here to support you however we can<3

 

[consideringawayout]

Guys, thanks for your comments, especially to @imsotired35, even though I didn't listen to you at the time.
I was depressed, and my actions were impulsive. Despite that, I am very fortunate that ligature torn at the right moment: I don't have major health issues after my attempt, except for my depression getting worse (I was practically bedridden after my attempt, I didn't have energy to do anything, even eat and sleep, I felt very weak and fatigued). I had anxiety about possible brain and heart damage, which resolved after seeing doctors. I also lost vision while reading this forum almost the entire day for the past two weeks. Nevertheless, after spending so much time here, and considering to do another bus-catching attempt, I feel how my recently-prescribed antidepressants began taking effect.
I prefer to take a driver's seat in my own life while I can, instead of taking a bus. I consider myself lucky to be alive. It took time to understand this. I will be inflating helium balloons to celebrate this. Despite that I lost my musical hearing, which was extremely important to me, there are still things remaining in life, which I can enjoy.

Take care!

 

[fleetingnight]

Guys, thanks for your comments, especially to @imsotired35, even though I didn't listen to you at the time.
I was depressed, and my actions were impulsive. Despite that, I am very fortunate that ligature torn at the right moment: I don't have major health issues after my attempt, except for my depression getting worse (I was practically bedridden after my attempt, I didn't have energy to do anything, even eat and sleep, I felt very weak and fatigued). I had anxiety about possible brain and heart damage, which resolved after seeing doctors. I also lost vision while reading this forum almost the entire day for the past two weeks. Nevertheless, after spending so much time here, and considering to do another bus-catching attempt, I feel how my recently-prescribed antidepressants began taking effect.
I prefer to take a driver's seat in my own life while I can, instead of taking a bus. I consider myself lucky to be alive. It took time to understand this. I will be inflating helium balloons to celebrate this. Despite that I lost my musical hearing, which was extremely important to me, there are still things remaining in life, which I can enjoy.

Take care!

I'm so glad you came out of it alright! I hope you recover quickly, physically and mentally<3

 

[imsotired35]

Guys, thanks for your comments, especially to @imsotired35, even though I didn't listen to you at the time.
I was depressed, and my actions were impulsive. Despite that, I am very fortunate that ligature torn at the right moment: I don't have major health issues after my attempt, except for my depression getting worse (I was practically bedridden after my attempt, I didn't have energy to do anything, even eat and sleep, I felt very weak and fatigued). I had anxiety about possible brain and heart damage, which resolved after seeing doctors. I also lost vision while reading this forum almost the entire day for the past two weeks. Nevertheless, after spending so much time here, and considering to do another bus-catching attempt, I feel how my recently-prescribed antidepressants began taking effect.
I prefer to take a driver's seat in my own life while I can, instead of taking a bus. I consider myself lucky to be alive. It took time to understand this. I will be inflating helium balloons to celebrate this. Despite that I lost my musical hearing, which was extremely important to me, there are still things remaining in life, which I can enjoy.

Take care!

glad to hear things are improving for you now mental health wise and that you felt able to reach out to a doctor. Wishing you the best for your future :)