Don’tDoxMe
VSED day: 2
- Oct 19, 2023
- 57
Something happened last October after my last ctb attempt that has basically begun the process of me becoming a whole new person, and a big part of that has been losing my desire to ctb, which is something I had been dealing with chronically and intensely for 11 years.
I got a gun last week for self defense/LARP-y anticipation of civil war or some shit lol, because I finally feel like I no longer pose a danger to myself or others by owning one. (I tried to anonymize myself on this account before posting this, including changing my username, because my dad and MH professionals would go absolutely apeshit if they found out about it and who knows what would happen)
Anyway, I decided to revisit this place so I could get some knowledge on how to ctb by gun in the event that I'm ever in a situation where the only alternative is being forced into an imminent and torturous death. (I had never done much research on this method before because at the time I hadn't done enough research on gun laws and assumed I was prohibited. Getting an optional LTC is still gonna be a pain in the ass and take a very long time tho.)
And like…. Even though it really wasn't that long ago in the grand scheme of things since I was so suicidal myself, seeing the mindsets of everyone who's in the same place I was, just…. Felt so foreign, and also scary to me because I had been in that place so recently. Even though I obviously was and am aware of how much pain I was in, it was like I was looking in on it as if an outsider, and it really put it into context for me of just how absolutely FUCKED my brain was for all those years. And it made feel empathy for y'all that I hadn't had before, because before this place was merely a place to receive and exchange information.
I'm not saying any of this because I somehow believe I'm "better" than you. That would be cruel, obnoxious, and also untrue. Actually, I'm not really sure why I'm saying this all. I guess it's just to share my excitement over finally owning my first gun on a platform where I feel safe to do so, because I've wanted one for so long and had phases where I genuinely wanted to be able to protect myself. And yes, it does make me feel much more at ease that I do have a way out if there's a rational reason for me to do so, and that doesn't rely on the extremely ineffective/extremely painful methods that I had had access to before.
I got a gun last week for self defense/LARP-y anticipation of civil war or some shit lol, because I finally feel like I no longer pose a danger to myself or others by owning one. (I tried to anonymize myself on this account before posting this, including changing my username, because my dad and MH professionals would go absolutely apeshit if they found out about it and who knows what would happen)
Anyway, I decided to revisit this place so I could get some knowledge on how to ctb by gun in the event that I'm ever in a situation where the only alternative is being forced into an imminent and torturous death. (I had never done much research on this method before because at the time I hadn't done enough research on gun laws and assumed I was prohibited. Getting an optional LTC is still gonna be a pain in the ass and take a very long time tho.)
And like…. Even though it really wasn't that long ago in the grand scheme of things since I was so suicidal myself, seeing the mindsets of everyone who's in the same place I was, just…. Felt so foreign, and also scary to me because I had been in that place so recently. Even though I obviously was and am aware of how much pain I was in, it was like I was looking in on it as if an outsider, and it really put it into context for me of just how absolutely FUCKED my brain was for all those years. And it made feel empathy for y'all that I hadn't had before, because before this place was merely a place to receive and exchange information.
I'm not saying any of this because I somehow believe I'm "better" than you. That would be cruel, obnoxious, and also untrue. Actually, I'm not really sure why I'm saying this all. I guess it's just to share my excitement over finally owning my first gun on a platform where I feel safe to do so, because I've wanted one for so long and had phases where I genuinely wanted to be able to protect myself. And yes, it does make me feel much more at ease that I do have a way out if there's a rational reason for me to do so, and that doesn't rely on the extremely ineffective/extremely painful methods that I had had access to before.
