My mind is a war zone. I have this uncontrollable urge to cause myself pain and discomfort. I hate feeling okay. If I'm not causing harm to myself in some way I feel wrong. Yet I hate how I feel. I'm in in pain every day, I'm nauseous all the time, sometimes I genuinely feel like my heart will give out at any moment. I am dizzy all the time. The pain I put myself through is at times unbearable. Yet when I reach my breaking point and do things to ease the pain when it becomes too much I get angry at myself because I feel I deserve the pain. But I hate the pain. But I hate not being in pain. I can't win.
The worst of these moments are usually when I do an extensive fast/dehydration regimen where I don't allow myself any food or water for a minimum of 24 hours. These usually also involve taking large quantities of some sort of medication, maybe laxatives or tylenol. I reach a point where I ache down to my bones, I'm cold, I turn purple, I'm dizzy, I have chest pains. I literally feel like I'm dying. I finally reach a breaking point and eat or drink. Then I get angry at myself for not allowing the pain to continue. Why am I like this.
The worst of these moments are usually when I do an extensive fast/dehydration regimen where I don't allow myself any food or water for a minimum of 24 hours. These usually also involve taking large quantities of some sort of medication, maybe laxatives or tylenol. I reach a point where I ache down to my bones, I'm cold, I turn purple, I'm dizzy, I have chest pains. I literally feel like I'm dying. I finally reach a breaking point and eat or drink. Then I get angry at myself for not allowing the pain to continue. Why am I like this.
