Venting Chronic Suicidality

[GirlOfThought06]

There's not much talk about chronic suicidality when it comes to mainstream depression discussions, and I just wonder what's the point if I'm always going to want to kill myself (or at least be passive to the concept of death)
Even in stretches of time where things are going right, the little voice gets loud that I still should just kill myself or making thoughts that I "deserve happiness" feel empty.
Just what's the point. I'm tired. I will be fine for some periods but then have moments where I feel the world shift and I jump out of my skin, and I forget a lot of things or it feels like memories get out of reach and then I just feel myself collapse again

 

[Hollowman]

It's been the same for me for decades. I'm so numbed out now I can barely care about anything.

 

[arrythmia]

Makes me feel like my soul is rotten and decaying, aching everyday to be freed from it's mortal coil (nioh refrance yay)
It's sucks and we got nothing except hope