trynacbt
Arcanist
- Sep 28, 2019
- 476
I'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now. I can't really sort through them. I feel guilty for the pain I know I will cause to those I love; I feel regretful for the fact that things could not have ended up differently. In a dark part of myself I do feel ashamed. Ashamed that ultimately, I have decided I am not good enough; that I have been unable to do in this life what comes to others so simply, even in the wake of all the privileges, opportunities, and luck that I have been blessed with.
I think ultimately, I feel powerless. Powerless to play this thing called life; horrible at it, despite being around for two decades. Like maybe I was born just yesterday.
All I can do now is hope that those I care for will be alright. That my letters to them will be enough to show that despite my sadness, what I feel most is gratitude. Gratitude that I have lived the life I've lived, albeit short (because let's face it; I could never stand a long one); gratitude for those I have loved and have been loved by. Because that's all there is at the end of the day, love, love and family, at least in my life.
I hope that they understand that this is what I want. And I hope they can accept that it was not for want of love, or for want of thought or care to them; that it was only, purely, because of my pain, which feels inescapable in any other way.
I am also grateful, of course, for SS; for those I have met during my short time here, who have shown me an incredible amount of compassion. Namely, I am thankful for my opportunity to take this decision into my own hands. The process has been thrilling and paralyzing and terrifying; but I have made it this far. And I am almost there.
I feel the worst for my father. I know he will take it with the greatest amount of pain--losing a child, I think, is arguably the greatest pain a person can experience. I hope that he and my sister can grow closer, give each other strength, as I have been unable to do for them. I hope that he is able to focus on the years prior to all this suffering, prior to my mother's ctb and my own, because I know he has lived through decades of happiness, too.
I hate to be generic, but if there's anything all this has taught me, it's that I don't *want* to die. I in fact love life. It is myself I cannot seem to love. To the point that I cannot understand why others love me. I find myself wishing, like so many of us, I think, I could have another go.
Yesterday, after having obtained my method at last, I went out for a walk and I found that I saw the world very differently. Suddenly I felt warmth towards every stranger I passed, for I feel I understood at last how each of us are on our own journeys, how many burdens we all must carry; I feel I understood this almost in a way that was detached from my own sense of self, my ego, knowing that soon it will be gone.
I wish that I could be strong like I imagine many of them are; I wish I could live a life without a single thought of self-effacement.
But alas, we cannot have everything. And I am grateful for what I have had.
-----.-----
My method:
Tuesday, 11/12
8am: 1 x 10mg Metoclopramide
4pm: 1 x 10 mg Meto
12am: 1 x 10mg Meto
Wednesday, 11/13
8am: 1 x 10mg Meto
4pm: 1 x 10 mg Meto
12am: 400mg Ibuprofen, 3mg Lexotan (anti-anxiety)
12:15am: 3 x 10mg Meto
12:30am: 800mg Tagamet
1am: SN drink, with a second glass ready to go (but not with water. if I pass out after the first, I don't want any family members accidentally or impulsively drinking the dose.)
As for meto side effects: I personally have not experienced significant ones. What I have felt is a lot of tiredness, a loss of appetite, and a little bit of nausea—all this has only been uncomfortable, not painful. It is also possible that these are just effects of 'physical depression' setting back in, being that I've been off my meds for about a week now in order to do this regimen.
I will send 4 delayed emails, along with a knitted blanket and a photograph to be sent to my ex by post.
I was originally planning to write 4 letters, but they got so long and I couldn't find the privacy to write them in comfort.
I will lock the door to my bedroom. I'll schedule text messages to be sent to my family members the following morning, with instructions on what to do, in hopes that they will not have to see my body.
And the rest… Well. I have many hopes.
But the rest is a mystery.
I'll be posting updates as much as I can, based on how I can bear it psychologically + my living situation, which is limiting.
Also just saying that this could very well all go to shit if my family members find/discover me, so it is very possible that I may end up locked up in a clinic for a while.
But why be pessimistic? That's pretty much like choosing to assume the after life will be Hell.
Very much feeling the appreciation for Shawn Shatto right about now.
An urgent question:
Any suggestions for how to send delayed emails? I've looked at FutureMe and Later.io but I'm not sure which one to trust. This is a really important part of my plan for me, so I would very much appreciate any info from people who have used them in the past.
Thanks everyone. I love you all.
I think ultimately, I feel powerless. Powerless to play this thing called life; horrible at it, despite being around for two decades. Like maybe I was born just yesterday.
All I can do now is hope that those I care for will be alright. That my letters to them will be enough to show that despite my sadness, what I feel most is gratitude. Gratitude that I have lived the life I've lived, albeit short (because let's face it; I could never stand a long one); gratitude for those I have loved and have been loved by. Because that's all there is at the end of the day, love, love and family, at least in my life.
I hope that they understand that this is what I want. And I hope they can accept that it was not for want of love, or for want of thought or care to them; that it was only, purely, because of my pain, which feels inescapable in any other way.
I am also grateful, of course, for SS; for those I have met during my short time here, who have shown me an incredible amount of compassion. Namely, I am thankful for my opportunity to take this decision into my own hands. The process has been thrilling and paralyzing and terrifying; but I have made it this far. And I am almost there.
I feel the worst for my father. I know he will take it with the greatest amount of pain--losing a child, I think, is arguably the greatest pain a person can experience. I hope that he and my sister can grow closer, give each other strength, as I have been unable to do for them. I hope that he is able to focus on the years prior to all this suffering, prior to my mother's ctb and my own, because I know he has lived through decades of happiness, too.
I hate to be generic, but if there's anything all this has taught me, it's that I don't *want* to die. I in fact love life. It is myself I cannot seem to love. To the point that I cannot understand why others love me. I find myself wishing, like so many of us, I think, I could have another go.
Yesterday, after having obtained my method at last, I went out for a walk and I found that I saw the world very differently. Suddenly I felt warmth towards every stranger I passed, for I feel I understood at last how each of us are on our own journeys, how many burdens we all must carry; I feel I understood this almost in a way that was detached from my own sense of self, my ego, knowing that soon it will be gone.
I wish that I could be strong like I imagine many of them are; I wish I could live a life without a single thought of self-effacement.
But alas, we cannot have everything. And I am grateful for what I have had.
-----.-----
My method:
Tuesday, 11/12
8am: 1 x 10mg Metoclopramide
4pm: 1 x 10 mg Meto
12am: 1 x 10mg Meto
Wednesday, 11/13
8am: 1 x 10mg Meto
4pm: 1 x 10 mg Meto
12am: 400mg Ibuprofen, 3mg Lexotan (anti-anxiety)
12:15am: 3 x 10mg Meto
12:30am: 800mg Tagamet
1am: SN drink, with a second glass ready to go (but not with water. if I pass out after the first, I don't want any family members accidentally or impulsively drinking the dose.)
As for meto side effects: I personally have not experienced significant ones. What I have felt is a lot of tiredness, a loss of appetite, and a little bit of nausea—all this has only been uncomfortable, not painful. It is also possible that these are just effects of 'physical depression' setting back in, being that I've been off my meds for about a week now in order to do this regimen.
I will send 4 delayed emails, along with a knitted blanket and a photograph to be sent to my ex by post.
I was originally planning to write 4 letters, but they got so long and I couldn't find the privacy to write them in comfort.
I will lock the door to my bedroom. I'll schedule text messages to be sent to my family members the following morning, with instructions on what to do, in hopes that they will not have to see my body.
And the rest… Well. I have many hopes.
But the rest is a mystery.
I'll be posting updates as much as I can, based on how I can bear it psychologically + my living situation, which is limiting.
Also just saying that this could very well all go to shit if my family members find/discover me, so it is very possible that I may end up locked up in a clinic for a while.
But why be pessimistic? That's pretty much like choosing to assume the after life will be Hell.
Very much feeling the appreciation for Shawn Shatto right about now.
An urgent question:
Any suggestions for how to send delayed emails? I've looked at FutureMe and Later.io but I'm not sure which one to trust. This is a really important part of my plan for me, so I would very much appreciate any info from people who have used them in the past.
Thanks everyone. I love you all.
Last edited:
