Venting cancelled my jaw surgery cause i’d still be ugly afterwards

[d4isy]

seems counterintuitive, i know. but even if i got the surgery, there'd still be so many other procedures i'd have to get just to look somewhat attractive. my family's super pissed at me rn for cancelling last minute. can't blame em. i kind of regret it but at the same time i don't because of the reason stated above. i'd still be suicidal if i went through with it.

the lyric "it's getting dark, too dark to see" perfectly describes how i've been feeling these past few weeks. everything feels so dark and bleak and depressing. i don't think i've ever felt worse in my entire life. it's like for the first time i truly see just how awful life is. i've always known, duh, but now i *really* know if that makes sense.

ultimately, i just feel bad for my family. i feel bad for them for having to deal with me and my difficult personality. i've been super angry these past few weeks and i've been taking it out on them, especially my mom :( i don't mean to, but i can't control myself. it's like someone else takes over when i'm angry.

i have the rope, all i'm missing is a good anchor point. i have a few in mind but i'm not sure if they're strong enough.

sorry this is all super disjointed. i feel awful. really hope i can ctb soon.

 

[PI3.14]

My looks are one of the prime reasons that drove me into severe depression too, unfortunately I can't change this aspect of my life.

A therapist once hinted that if I'm not attractive then I should aquire wealth to attract potential partners. Ig he didn't understand, I want to be chosen, I don't want to be someone's last option or be picked for my money.

 

[mangoastronaut]

Was the jaw surgery going to be purely cosmetic or would it have brought any medical alleviation? I can't help but think about my sister's jaw surgery— she had her underbite fixed— which medically helped her. So to me this sounds like self harm, but I could be wrong.

Either way, I'm sorry about the backlash you're getting from family. It'd be nice if they understood, but ig it's hard when you fight back. Which I get, I've done that too. It's as if someone else takes over, like you said. So hard to control these emotions.

 

[d4isy]

I want to be chosen, I don't want to be someone's last option or be picked for my money.

same :(( i've only ever been approached by guys looking to use me. i've never had a guy genuinely fall for me and pursue me and stuff. i wanna be loved and like you said, chosen.

Was the jaw surgery going to be purely cosmetic or would it have brought any medical alleviation? I can't help but think about my sister's jaw surgery— she had her underbite fixed— which medically helped her. So to me this sounds like self harm, but I could be wrong.

Either way, I'm sorry about the backlash you're getting from family. It'd be nice if they understood, but ig it's hard when you fight back. Which I get, I've done that too. It's as if someone else takes over, like you said. So hard to control these emotions.

it's half medical, half cosmetic. my underbite isn't that bad. my surgeon told me cancelling wouldn't be that big of a deal, but my ortho thinks surgery would be the best course of action in my case (cause of potential issues later on when i'm like 50).

 

[swankysoup]

My looks are one of the prime reasons that drove me into severe depression too, unfortunately I can't change this aspect of my life.

A therapist once hinted that if I'm not attractive then I should aquire wealth to attract potential partners. Ig he didn't understand, I want to be chosen, I don't want to be someone's last option or be picked for my money.

I know right. When you have been discriminated for your appearance and made to feel like you aren't good enough, it always stays with you even if things get better. I don't think my brain could process genuine affection if i encountered it. Too adapted to being unloved. And being a tool to get affection isn't the same.