Discussion Can you remember the first time you felt suicidal?

[JadedBeing]

Alot of shit happend when i was a kid but i don't think i ever thought about catching the bus. When i was 15 and everything kept getting worse, my Situation felt so unbearable, that i thought about doing it for the first time, and actually tried it the same day by cutting my wrist while crying. Ever since then the thought of ctb never left me, even if things get a lil' better occasionally.

 

[woofwag]

Maybe not the first time I was officially suicidal, but I do remember my first suicide attempt. I was 6. I found a note a couple years ago that I had written then saying, "i want to die and have a better life in heaven." Ironic, because I don't believe in heaven now. What a depressing life I live

 

[JadedBeing]

Maybe not the first time I was officially suicidal, but I do remember my first suicide attempt. I was 6. I found a note a couple years ago that I had written then saying, "i want to die and have a better life in heaven." Ironic, because I don't believe in heaven now. What a depressing life I live

6 is very young to be wanting to ctb. I'm really sorry that you had to feel like this as a little child.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

A big failure in life made me suicidal a couple of years ago. Well, I planned a method immediately (CO Method), but was still more or less far from an attempt bc there was still too much hope left. It took several more years to crush me and to stop fighting.

Ultimately, I ended up here.

 

[thisIsNotEnough]

I've been suicidal as long as I can remember, honestly. Rarely actively though, mostly "I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up" thoughts

 

[kuroshimi]

Not quite suicidal, but always have some death wish since childhood. Maybe because topic somewhat stigmatized and I was not really into it. Mostly engaged in self-harm

But after entering the uni and get diagnosis, I began to think more about it and have full-fledged attempts.

 

[darksouls]

when I was about 14 years old I realized that my mother had completely broken me mentally and emotionally

 

[Hime]

I remember it starting out as a silly/funny thought I had. I was in kindergarten, or the first years in school, walking on a bridge, holding hands with my classmates. As we looked down below us on the bridge, I saw cute ducks swimming around. I thought to myself at that time, "I should just jump down and die and become a duck!"

And for some reason, that thought has always stuck with me. That's kind of where my fascination with death started. That's where I realized how easily I could just... take the action to die?

 

[FuneralCry]

I've always wanted peace, to me existence just feels like a mistake, I'll always prefer the peace of an eternal, dreamless sleep over this torturous existence of unnecessary suffering.

I just don't see any benefit to being burdened with this existence of suffering all for the sake of it where there is no limit as to how much one can be tortured, I find it so undesirable to exist in every way and as long as I exist I'll just hope for the peace of non-existence, for me non-existence is just all that's positive.

 

[markimobzzdeasui]

It was around 2006-2007. I was in 9th grade back then. Suffered daily abuse and trauma from my entire family and thought that suicide was the only thing for me to do on this planet. Unfortunately my attempts failed in between all these years and things just got much much worse for me.

 

[FoxSauce]

I think about maybe 11 or 12. I reay didnt feel like living at that age. Home was awful. I felt awful but I didnt knew why. I felt empty and without a purpose.

I asked my mom when she was showering: what would she do if I died. I think she said if I remember correctly that dont be so morbid or something along the lines

A few days later I asked my dad through the phone : he said he would be really devastated if I passed away.

At the time it didnt really sink on what I was saying but I knew I didnt felt like I mattered nor appreciated at the time. I was dealing with bullying as well so I honeslty didn't see a way out at the time.

Then in middle school, expressed thoughts of death especifically having a nail on the wall and and bashing my head with it. Ofc one teacher sent me to the guidance counselor didnt do shit. Tried with benadryl but I didnt have the balls to go through with it.

I think my mom was more mad at me that she went for me on her work hours. Went to the hospital blah blah and actually lied that It was just a joke. She kept reminding me that incident of I acted dramatic.

ANYWAYS

That was long sorry

 

[gunmetalblue]

I threw myself down the stairs when I was like 6 or 7 if I remember correctly. I dropped a bottle of my father's perfume in the bathroom by accident, and I knew he would make me pay for it. I'd just started talking (I had selective mutism) so my speech was delayed compared to other kids my age. My father would mock me eveytime I tried to speak, so I knew apologising wouldn't make a difference so I just wanted everything over with.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

Probably around 12 or 13. I also vaguely remember when I was maybe 5, asking my mom what "suicide" meant and being fascinated with the sound of the word and the idea of killing oneself. I thought it was really cool. I remember my mom being concerned, and that was fascinating too. I went through a phase around then of enjoying telling random people "I want to kill myself, suicide". Kind of strange looking back on it now.

 

[LittleSunshine]

Around 8 or 9, I tried to suffocate myself with a plastic bag due severe abuse and neglect.

 

[FoxSauce]

Around 8 or 9, I tried to suffocate myself with a plastic bag due severe abuse and neglect.

Jesus christ- im so sorry

 

[_AllCatsAreGrey_]

My passive ideation started around 8. I've wished I didn't exist since then. That's my base level.

I first actively tried when I was 15. I tried to cut my wrists, but was unable to pass through the pain to do anything serious. A year later I tried to OD with OTC sleeping pills. I wished I would have had more clear information to understand this wouldn't work.

 

[underairpressure]

I don't remember the first time I was actively suicidal, but I think I was about 8 when I started having this strong sense that I "wasn't meant to live". It was also around then that I started thinking I didn't want to have a body, I wanted to be a "ghost" or an "angel" instead.

 

[Quantum_Marten0302]

No, but id guess it was around 12yo

 

[4colliez]

11 is the first time I felt like I wanted to die, 13 is when I actually thought about committing for the first time

 

[collidedsigns]

I began feeling suicidal at around 12 and then when I was 14 I attempted. However I just overdosed on painkillers and didn't tell anyone. I've had a lot of attempts since then but haven't quite achieved the end goal yet

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

Around 8 or 9, I tried to suffocate myself with a plastic bag due severe abuse and neglect.

Im sorry im a little insensitive but I relate to what youve said here,,, and did you ever use belts on yourself too?

 

[LittleSunshine]

Im sorry im a little insensitive but I relate to what youve said here,,, and did you ever use belts on yourself too?

No, I'm sorry to hear that you can relate.

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

No, I'm sorry to hear that you can relate.

Sorry for the wild question,, re reading an i come off really creepy but that wasnt my intention, anyhow,, I see you around frequently and evertime I see your posts or replies I resonate with them, mabye not all but allot,,, aghh im just trying to point out how I notice you here and appreciate the glimpses I get from you into your life.

 

[Oreki]

Sorry for the wild question,, re resding I've it i come off really creepy but that wasnt my intention, anyhow,, I see you around frequently and evertime I see your posts or replies I resonate with them, mabye not all but allot,,, aghh im just trying to point out how I notice you here and appreciate the glimpses I get from you into your life.

I find it remarkable that you pointed that out. The last person I appreciated never knew, because I never told her and she's gone now, but actually… there are quite a few people here that I appreciate

 

[LittleSunshine]

Sorry for the wild question,, re resding I've it i come off really creepy but that wasnt my intention, anyhow,, I see you around frequently and evertime I see your posts or replies I resonate with them, mabye not all but allot,,, aghh im just trying to point out how I notice you here and appreciate the glimpses I get from you into your life.

Thank you! That really means a lot to me. Sometimes you wander around here feeling like a lost soul drifting through the void, even in a place like this. So it's comforting to know that some people still see each other, even if it's just in silence.

 

[Xi-Xi]

I don't remember when, but it was when I was really young. Younger than most people. I've never felt comfortable, was bullied at home and school, and I thought I was ugly person in general.

 

[broken_stoic]

I've been severely depressed since as long as I can remember; I don't remember a time when I wasn't. The joys of childhood trauma and bad genetics. Suicidal though? I'm honestly not sure. It was a big no-no in the religion I grew up with, suicides go to hell and all that loving stuff . . . But I think probably pretty young. The first almost-attempt was around 21-22.

 

[overlyelusive]

When I was 17 I tried to overdose with sleep medication and depression medication.

 

[NutOrat]

The earliest conscious suicidal ideation I can remember was sometime in grade school, around 3rd or 4th year, so I was 9-10 y/o. I was at my grandparents apartment, 8th floor, and it was recurring - every time I visited, I stared at the balcony, envisioning myself jumping, also thinking about leaving a goodbye letter. I don't remember what it would contain, but I think it was very childish and petty, blaming everyone, especially my older brother for me doing it. It never went beyond passive ideation though.

All the way through middle and high school I was also on-and-off passively suicidal, depressed, but it never went farther than that. Third year of uni was when I began thinking about death constantly, by the end of it I was researching methods (even visited this site for the first time!), but never attempted. Closest I got was trying to get to the roof of a university building, and it was closed. Even if it wasn't, I highly doubt I'd jump, also it was like 6 stories... Ok so basically I never attempted.

 

[Gangrel]

probably when i was a teenager and started to realize the world is actually really shitty