Discussion Can you remember the first time you felt suicidal?

[YandereMikuMistress]

Thank you! That really means a lot to me. Sometimes you wander around here feeling like a lost soul drifting through the void, even in a place like this. So it's comforting to know that some people still see each other, even if it's just in silence.

I full heartedly agree,,, its somthing within all the nonsensical nothing,,
miku hug ?

 

[LittleSunshine]

I full heartedly agree,,, its somthing within all the nonsensical nothing,,
miku hug ?
View attachment 188723

 

[YandereMikuMistress]

I find it remarkable that you pointed that out. The last person I appreciated never knew, because I never told her and she's gone now, but actually… there are quite a few people here that I appreciate

Thats somthing I always worry about,, because I see people here and I read there pains knowing I cant do anything myself either,, but im trying to be better,, I still plan to ctb but I never want to give into apathy,, I always want to care,, and the people here, deserve care then most people I come across irl,,, in reality i know this is Just a fleeting moment of clarity from someone else also lost in this sea of mediocrity

 

[Oreki]

Thats somthing I always worry about,, because I see people here and I read there pains knowing I cant do anything myself either,, but im trying to be better,, I still plan to ctb but I never want to give into apathy,, I always want to care,, and the people here, deserve care then most people I come across irl,,, in reality i know this is Just a fleeting moment of clarity from someone else also lost in this sea of mediocrity

I like caring people! I really value when someone takes the time to care about others, as long as they have the capacity to do so. That's a rare and valuable quality in society, and even on this website, not everyone has it. You're a real asset with that attitude. It's uplifting to see people like you in the community, but at the same time, I wish people like this didn't have to be here..

 

[Tobacco]

It was around 2019 when I was high on sertraline. Thankfully it didn't leave any lasting side effects.

Before that, in elementary school I was somewhat depressed and disturbed. I watched an R rated zombie apocalypse movie and I was so scared of it becoming real but didn't quite get to the point of preferring being dead than facing something like that.

 

[cometati]

yes, i remember i was 8 years old and didnt know about suicide or that other people thought the same as me.. i just knew i wanted to die so i wouldnt suffer anymore

 

[itsgone2]

High school. I've always thought about death. Lots of relatives died while growing up. I should have been one of them

 

[birthdayboy]

Never felt it until I was 12. Suddenly, everything seemed so dark and cruel. I was severely bullied, and I'd pray to not wake up almost every single night. Being closeted gay/queer in a small midwestern town didn't help matters.

Never really understood *why* people were so cruel to me, still don't. I really don't get it at all.

I've got even worse things going on in my life now, but I do have to say that my experience of 12 - 14 cast a dark shadow over my entire life that I've never truly left.

Even though they were kids like me, I will never forgive them for what they did to me.

 

[pokerrkitty]

It came on very suddenly when I was around 10-11, if I'm remembering my own life correctly

 

[divinemistress87]

13 when I started my period. Damn puberty

 

[fruitninjamaster]

9 years old, laying in bed praying to God to kill me in my sleep so I wouldn't have to go to school

 

[inkmage333]

When I was 9, I remember crying myself to sleep and considering stabbing myself. I wanted to leave a note because everything hurt so much. I don't really remember or know why, and I'm not really sure if that was the first time I felt that way since I don't remember anything from before I was 9 but...

 

[NotSoEnchanted]

I was very young, like around 7. It honestly may have started earlier, but due to trauma I don't have good memory of that timeframe. It manifested in the form of wishing something would happen that would take my life, like a natural disaster, car accident, severe illness, and funnily enough a zombie apocalypse. I didn't really know that people took their own lives until I grew up a bit and found out about it through movies, the internet, and learned that this is how my Grandpa passed. Since then suicide has always been on my mind, and I had my first serious attempt at 15, followed by another when I was 16, and two more when I was 19.

 

[eggsausagerice]

I remember it starting out as a silly/funny thought I had. I was in kindergarten, or the first years in school, walking on a bridge, holding hands with my classmates. As we looked down below us on the bridge, I saw cute ducks swimming around. I thought to myself at that time, "I should just jump down and die and become a duck!"

this is the hardest and most relatable stream of thought that i've read on sasu as a duck fan. i still think about drowning in my neighborhood lake when i see the ducks swimming because i think i might get reincarnated as one lol

post reply -
the first time i felt suicidal was when my mom was yelling at me about something or other. i forgot what she was yelling about, she would just always be angry about stuff. then i was like, "if i died, then she wouldn't be angry at me no more, and then my family would be happier without me". my mom would favor me the most because i was the youngest and also yell at me a lot because she thought i was stupid. i grew up thinking that i probably shouldn't have been born if i was the last child and my mom just had me out of boredom. at one time i wrapped my hands around my neck and tried to choke myself in the bathroom because i figured that if i tried hard enough i would die somehow. dumb kid stuff.

 

[Nine0]

I was a really depressed kid so I think there was probably times I felt suicidal before this but when I was like 12 I got into one of my worse fights with my mom that we've probably ever had and after trying to find my parents pills. I remember having true intentions on really taking them if I had found them and it was a spur of the moment decision because I remember feeling so completely unloved and I really believed it. I've been suicidal for a long time now but I think that's the only time I really think I had intentions on going through with it.

 

[orvreader]

Around the same time I started wearing long sleeves, 12~ish years old if I remember correctly. It was when I start to get mature and start to be aware of my actions.

 

[Afterglow]

When I was 9 years old i used to fantasize about joining the army just to get a gun to shoot myself with. Sounded like a pretty full proof plan as a child lol.

9 years old, laying in bed praying to God to kill me in my sleep so I wouldn't have to go to school

sameeeee

 

[rlllyydepressed]

I was probably 11 but only had my first attempt at 14 due to being neglected/abused by my mom I had a seizure from oding and she didn't even notice or just didn't care.

 

[peacecomingsoon]

Around 13 when I started to realise I was queer/gay... When you're that age it feels like every emotion you feel is so strong and like any part of you which is different will lead to rejection. Being different isn't a bad thing but it did lead me to become perfectionistic and self-critical of myself and I didn't deal well with initial family rejection either. Likely contributed to my first depressive episodes where I felt suicidal and wanted to stab myself. And since then, it's just never stopped.

 

[Hime]

this is the hardest and most relatable stream of thought that i've read on sasu as a duck fan. i still think about drowning in my neighborhood lake when i see the ducks swimming because i think i might get reincarnated as one lol

Omgg I thought I was completely alone in having that thought, me and you then duck twin~!

 

[sanrioslayer]

During covid lockdown when i became depressed. My life have only gone downhill after that

 

[No_Body]

it was around the start of puberty, when i started middle school, i was profusely targeted because i was the only black kid in school

i hated going to school, everyone was being so racist to me, i just simply couldn't exist
they used to egg our home, throw literal shit on our porch and back garden

i remember i had to fight to survive there, every single day i had to fight one kid or another

getting stared at when i went outside, not belonging, judged profusely

i started self harming during those times, choking myself out in the bathroom with a belt trying to end my life to no avail

i hated my life there, and i still hate my life here

 

[Realog11]

it was around the start of puberty, when i started middle school, i was profusely targeted because i was the only black kid in school

i hated going to school, everyone was being so racist to me, i just simply couldn't exist
they used to egg our home, throw literal shit on our porch and back garden

i remember i had to fight to survive there, every single day i had to fight one kid or another

getting stared at when i went outside, not belonging, judged profusely

i started self harming during those times, choking myself out in the bathroom with a belt trying to end my life to no avail

i hated my life there, and i still hate my life here

Damn sorry

 

[X-sanguinate86]

I had a big failure in life a few years ago that motivated me to find this website and I did a half-assed attempt in my early twenties but I first wanted to kill myself at age 9.

 

[ceelobling]

I just got fed up with life being tiring, and it didn't help that other people were farther ahead in life than me. Things started getting worse for me after that.

 

[overthrone]

10. Didn't have a bad home life or anything, i'd been bullied for 3 years straight and i started imagining a world where i would be dead

 

[39hatsune]

i honestly cant think of the first time, but ive been feeling this way for as long as i can remember

 

[Realog11]

i honestly cant think of the first time, but ive been feeling this way for as long as i can remember

same

 

[Jisatsu]

When I was 10

 

[StupidCat]

When I was 7 i told my mom repeatedly that I wanted to die. She beat the crap out of me and told me that I would go to hell if I died at my own willing. So I changed my phrasing to 'why I was born' and got beaten up again but at least I didn't feel as guilty before a divine presence.