I'm in a manipulative marriage. I'm kept hostage by my wife's suicidality. She doesn't "threaten" me with it, but she implies it. Constantly. It seems after our largest disagreements, she goes to kill herself. Then I comfort her and apologize even if I don't think I was in the wrong, just to make sure she doesn't die.
We are seeing a couple's therapist and she is trying to guide us both to coexistence, but, it seems that nothing changes for her. The same issues I have harped on for years now, about her either blatantly self harming or getting suicidal after we have any form of disagreement, unsurprisingly have not changed.
I was close to leaving. I had a plan, I was gonna transition, and run away from her and block her on everything. But... She attempted suicide. And I froze since then.
I don't want to die, at least in this moment. But I can't bear to live with this dysphoria. In this toxic relationship. She doesn't try to understand. And I explain my hurt or my feelings, and she self destructs.
My name should have changed a year ago. My pronouns should have changed longer ago. I should be taking hrt by now. I should be with my friends that I love. But I sacrifice all of that because I'm too scared of the consequences of leaving my wife.
I just wanted to write this, to mourn the death of who I should be right now. I recently learned that at my young age, I may be already halfway through my life because of a genetic disorder. That, and my health insurance will soon probably not pay for transitioning because of the new president.
i'm so fucking angry. one more day of dodging every fucking mirror, of trying to hide from my own shadow, my own damned disgusting T poisoned body. And then being told it's all in my head.
i'm disgusted by what i see. And i'm too much of a bitch to take my life into my own hands at the "expense" of others.
I know it wouldn't be my fucking fault if she killed herself. I'm just too fucking scared and paralyzed.
We are seeing a couple's therapist and she is trying to guide us both to coexistence, but, it seems that nothing changes for her. The same issues I have harped on for years now, about her either blatantly self harming or getting suicidal after we have any form of disagreement, unsurprisingly have not changed.
I was close to leaving. I had a plan, I was gonna transition, and run away from her and block her on everything. But... She attempted suicide. And I froze since then.
I don't want to die, at least in this moment. But I can't bear to live with this dysphoria. In this toxic relationship. She doesn't try to understand. And I explain my hurt or my feelings, and she self destructs.
My name should have changed a year ago. My pronouns should have changed longer ago. I should be taking hrt by now. I should be with my friends that I love. But I sacrifice all of that because I'm too scared of the consequences of leaving my wife.
I just wanted to write this, to mourn the death of who I should be right now. I recently learned that at my young age, I may be already halfway through my life because of a genetic disorder. That, and my health insurance will soon probably not pay for transitioning because of the new president.
i'm so fucking angry. one more day of dodging every fucking mirror, of trying to hide from my own shadow, my own damned disgusting T poisoned body. And then being told it's all in my head.
i'm disgusted by what i see. And i'm too much of a bitch to take my life into my own hands at the "expense" of others.
I know it wouldn't be my fucking fault if she killed herself. I'm just too fucking scared and paralyzed.
