Brain damage from depression, need some opinions

[iamalreadydead]

I developed severe social anxiety in 3rd or 4th grade, and then psychotic depression in 6th grade. Whenever people talk about being a former 'gifted' kid they are usually bullshitting and you think they're just referring to being praised for the bare minimum but I promise you, everyone in my life thought i was a prodigy. I really genuinely had skills that surpassed everyone around me. Until I got depressed and delusional and I spent middle school wanting to kill myself, trying to, and then developing ptsd from it that took away my ability to daydream (my one and only coping mechanism.) Started doing a bunch of drugs and now i have HPPD/visual snow syndrome and derealization/depersonalization episodes, probably will have them for the rest of my life. Also just PTSD from other events in my life like being homeless and neglected/abused by my family as a kid.

I am sitting here trying to learn how to play guitar because I want to have something to live for again and I am completely incapable of thinking deeply and meaningfully. I don't know how to learn because I haven't tried to since turning 11. I'm frustrated. I'm upset that I used to have something in me that could interpret all of this information in a matter of minutes. I find that I'll have a thought and nothing really sticks, ever. Just comes for a second and blows away in the wind.

I want to not give up just yet, so heres my question; is it worth trying ADHD meds out for my focus? I don't know how my brain will react to it, I don't know if I even want to try taking meds because I'm scared about having to be on something for the rest of my life and further altering my perception of the world. I just want to have something to live for and I've decided I might stick to this guitar shit. I used to play tons of instruments and I was amazing at them, and now i barely have the motor functioning to just fucking hold my piece of shit guitar. This is depressing, sorry.

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

You sound a lot like me - fractured thinking, everything's fuzzy, mind is totally blurry. Problems with concentration and short term memory. Feeling totally out of it and dizzy/drunk. This is certainly a kind of death in and of itself.

Having researched all my symptoms and coming up basically empty, I did run into some people suggesting ADD/ADHD meds. It sounds like it may well be worth a shot. I haven't tried them myself, but I'd be really curious to know if you see any improvement.

I think it's always worth pursuing a potential route, if it opens up. I would definitely encourage you to try - and report back if you do.