nayomi
only the truth will save us all
- Jul 19, 2026
- 141
these post are when i was 19 after i finish treating my depression but not my suicidal ideation and i thought it would be solve in the future somehow but i blogged from the age of 15 (now i am 27)
first one:
We all live inside a prison—inside our brain, inside our limited world. We are always trying to get out of it: TV series, entertainment, books, work... But that is not the beauty of life. The beauty of life is our brain, the experience of life itself. Delicious food is not a good experience; it's an extra-cerebral experience, your brain escaping from itself. A prison is considered bad for social reasons, but mainly because people in our world don't know how to deal with their brain; they can't experience it fully.
People depend on external happiness as their joy instead of internal happiness. During my depression, I just wanted to get things that would make me happy instead of making me happy from myself, because I didn't believe in that. That's what capitalism and our society try to tell us—that the next thing will make us happy: a good job, a partner, money, going out to bars, clubs...
The beauty of life is life itself and nothing else. Nothing. Whoever doesn't understand this suffers and looks for false things.
I don't understand it all that much; I only discovered this on a mushroom trip, but I thought I was hallucinating, that it would pass, and I didn't realize it was a lesson. Every single thing was a lesson that I just didn't understand because it seemed like a hallucination, since it was so far removed from reality. I remember finishing the trip and telling myself, "Wow, I was really not thinking logically," and now I realize I was in the most logical state of my life. Part of the communication with my subconscious wasn't complete, or wasn't in a way I am able to interpret, because it doesn't communicate like we do, like we are used to. It is elusive and quiet.
Emotion will spin you around for as long as it can instead of dealing with the truth. Ego will make you feel like you are the center of the world and will start building connections for you, like connections with family, friends, animals, work... But they don't exist. Only you exist in this prison of your brain, and that's it.
You won't understand if you don't quiet your noise; you have to quiet your noise in order to understand.
I want to work and get back to what I was before. The mushroom gave me a taste of the truth; it took me on crutches so I could see it. Now it's my turn to grow strong and see the truth on my own.
post 2:
I forgot the point of the previous post as I was writing it.
The point is that you can give your subconscious tasks. Happiness is not external; it is internal only.
Just as you are made happy by food, money, or anything temporary, you can be like that all the time. You need to give the subconscious tasks to handle your emotion and amplify it.
When a person is depressed, they are commanding their emotion to feel bad. They aren't aware of it, but they are feeding it with that.
I've been working on this for a few days and it pretty much works. Honestly, my mood is really good; meditation really helps to communicate with the subconscious and make you more...
post 3:
Task: Why I am neurotic
My 5 biggest neuroses (how do you even translate this):
Depression
Suicidality
Feeling of incompetence
Fear of failing and having nothing
Trolling
Why I do it:
My first thought was that I had accustomed myself to these things.
But if that were true, I could have solved it.
The truth is I find comfort in death because I have nothing else to hold on to, since I haven't developed anything else.
I'm pretty much floating in the air, devoid of meaning.
All the therapy and all the pills I took were just to forget the problem instead of solving it.
Maybe the fear of failing is something from my parents, or maybe something I generate myself...
The trolling is because I'm just venting my frustration on other people; it's my way of being violent.
I need to find something to hold on to, to work on myself more. All in all, I'm on the right track.
I haven't written here for a few days because I kind of forgot, but I made a little list on my phone so I'll publish it sometime.
i think that i havent integrated my trip fully and now i am having suicidal idiation without depression, apparently they are separate.
i wish i could value the bad feelings as i wanted to value from my trip
with depression is kinda making sense to want wanting to feel bad but accepting feeling bad is another level
first one:
We all live inside a prison—inside our brain, inside our limited world. We are always trying to get out of it: TV series, entertainment, books, work... But that is not the beauty of life. The beauty of life is our brain, the experience of life itself. Delicious food is not a good experience; it's an extra-cerebral experience, your brain escaping from itself. A prison is considered bad for social reasons, but mainly because people in our world don't know how to deal with their brain; they can't experience it fully.
People depend on external happiness as their joy instead of internal happiness. During my depression, I just wanted to get things that would make me happy instead of making me happy from myself, because I didn't believe in that. That's what capitalism and our society try to tell us—that the next thing will make us happy: a good job, a partner, money, going out to bars, clubs...
The beauty of life is life itself and nothing else. Nothing. Whoever doesn't understand this suffers and looks for false things.
I don't understand it all that much; I only discovered this on a mushroom trip, but I thought I was hallucinating, that it would pass, and I didn't realize it was a lesson. Every single thing was a lesson that I just didn't understand because it seemed like a hallucination, since it was so far removed from reality. I remember finishing the trip and telling myself, "Wow, I was really not thinking logically," and now I realize I was in the most logical state of my life. Part of the communication with my subconscious wasn't complete, or wasn't in a way I am able to interpret, because it doesn't communicate like we do, like we are used to. It is elusive and quiet.
Emotion will spin you around for as long as it can instead of dealing with the truth. Ego will make you feel like you are the center of the world and will start building connections for you, like connections with family, friends, animals, work... But they don't exist. Only you exist in this prison of your brain, and that's it.
You won't understand if you don't quiet your noise; you have to quiet your noise in order to understand.
I want to work and get back to what I was before. The mushroom gave me a taste of the truth; it took me on crutches so I could see it. Now it's my turn to grow strong and see the truth on my own.
post 2:
I forgot the point of the previous post as I was writing it.
The point is that you can give your subconscious tasks. Happiness is not external; it is internal only.
Just as you are made happy by food, money, or anything temporary, you can be like that all the time. You need to give the subconscious tasks to handle your emotion and amplify it.
When a person is depressed, they are commanding their emotion to feel bad. They aren't aware of it, but they are feeding it with that.
I've been working on this for a few days and it pretty much works. Honestly, my mood is really good; meditation really helps to communicate with the subconscious and make you more...
post 3:
Task: Why I am neurotic
My 5 biggest neuroses (how do you even translate this):
Depression
Suicidality
Feeling of incompetence
Fear of failing and having nothing
Trolling
Why I do it:
My first thought was that I had accustomed myself to these things.
But if that were true, I could have solved it.
The truth is I find comfort in death because I have nothing else to hold on to, since I haven't developed anything else.
I'm pretty much floating in the air, devoid of meaning.
All the therapy and all the pills I took were just to forget the problem instead of solving it.
Maybe the fear of failing is something from my parents, or maybe something I generate myself...
The trolling is because I'm just venting my frustration on other people; it's my way of being violent.
I need to find something to hold on to, to work on myself more. All in all, I'm on the right track.
I haven't written here for a few days because I kind of forgot, but I made a little list on my phone so I'll publish it sometime.
i think that i havent integrated my trip fully and now i am having suicidal idiation without depression, apparently they are separate.
i wish i could value the bad feelings as i wanted to value from my trip
with depression is kinda making sense to want wanting to feel bad but accepting feeling bad is another level
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