Venting BPD and life (RANT)

[awaitinglove]

TBH I've been taking so many substances to feel something and it has been TOUGH. A little back story, I dealt with suicidal thoughts and self harm since 10, and I was in and out of therapy. I got diagnosed with BPD at 17 and even before then my life was shit but at 17 I guess I had an explanation for being the way I am. Before I even turned 20 I stopped dating because I felt much happier due to my BPD being under control lol. TBH I don't want to live a life where the only happiness will come from feeling loved by others or not receiving ANY love. I realized my BPD would come out when I would get into any romantic relationship, or at least try to. Anyways, I'm near 21 and feel some type of way, like I just hate myself just as much as I love did when I was 10. I'm trying to start dating but of course my BPD makes it so hard for me to even make it a day talking to people and not completely losing control. I love that I love to love but also hate that I love to love. I just wish I felt "normal" (whatever that means). I'm just ranting rn. I think about my plan to end it all everyday and for some reason I'm not scared or anything. If i had access to it right now I would do it. It's just tough not being able to do anything about my pain in this current moment. I hope to rest one day and finally escape the pain I've been feeling for a decade.

 

[neurotic]

I'm in a current relationship and I'm destroying it because of my BPD. I can't even distinguish if I'm happy or I want to leave. One second I'll feel like the abuser and need to fix it, then I'll see them as the abuser, then I'll see no problems with the relationship. It's constantly changing through out the day. It's causing extreme stress on my partener which makes me feel even worse. This always happens whenever I get with someone. I've been on the fence about leaving it for 3 years at this point.

I've been taking lamictal 100mg (need to up it), Buspirone 10mg 3 times a day, and prozac 20mg (need to up it). I found anxiety to be a little easier to handle with specifically the buspirone. When I first took it I felt dizzy, but the pain in my stomach and heart finally stopped aching. It doesn't work all the time, and I try to ration them the best I can when it flares up, but something actually works for me for once. I kind of just stop caring with no side effects and makes it just a little easier to think, but my head is still a nightmare and disorganized. I really hope you find something to make your life easier before you decide to go, but from someone who also has BPD, I understand if you can't take it anymore.

I read a couple quotes that recently really resonated with me:

I feel like I burn bridges because I'm the only one holding them together.

Talk to people we find interesting even if we know it will end badly.

Hate ourselves.

No matter how many times we get our hopes up, we still have copious amounts of it.

We love to connect to you, but get uncomfortable when you connect to us.

Will be super bored but not motivated enough to do anything about it.

Be super sure about something only to be totally unsure about it minutes later. Back to not trusting ourselves.

Very little things can ruin our day.

We can talk ourselves into virtually anything. We can talk ourselves out of virtually anything.

It's not that we don't trust you. Its that we don't trust ourselves.

We try really hard. Sometimes too hard. Sometimes for the wrong things we think are the right things. Sometimes for the right things we think might be the wrong things.

I was also diagnosed around 17, and to know there's barely any treatment for it has me thinking there's no future where I can be truly happy. The only thing I look forward to is getting older, as apparently age calms it down. I really wish you the best.

 

[ctemourge]

completely understand everything ur feeling!!! i actually was diagnosed at 17 too and now being 22 i feel the same way. its tough living like this , just know you are seen and heard . i completely resonate with your post. i hope that we can all find some peace with this brain

 

[awaitinglove]

I'm in a current relationship and I'm destroying it because of my BPD. I can't even distinguish if I'm happy or I want to leave. One second I'll feel like the abuser and need to fix it, then I'll see them as the abuser, then I'll see no problems with the relationship. It's constantly changing through out the day. It's causing extreme stress on my partener which makes me feel even worse. This always happens whenever I get with someone. I've been on the fence about leaving it for 3 years at this point.

I've been taking lamictal 100mg (need to up it), Buspirone 10mg 3 times a day, and prozac 20mg (need to up it). I found anxiety to be a little easier to handle with specifically the buspirone. When I first took it I felt dizzy, but the pain in my stomach and heart finally stopped aching. It doesn't work all the time, and I try to ration them the best I can when it flares up, but something actually works for me for once. I kind of just stop caring with no side effects and makes it just a little easier to think, but my head is still a nightmare and disorganized. I really hope you find something to make your life easier before you decide to go, but from someone who also has BPD, I understand if you can't take it anymore.

I read a couple quotes that recently really resonated with me:

I feel like I burn bridges because I'm the only one holding them together.

Talk to people we find interesting even if we know it will end badly.

Hate ourselves.

No matter how many times we get our hopes up, we still have copious amounts of it.

We love to connect to you, but get uncomfortable when you connect to us.

Will be super bored but not motivated enough to do anything about it.

Be super sure about something only to be totally unsure about it minutes later. Back to not trusting ourselves.

Very little things can ruin our day.

We can talk ourselves into virtually anything. We can talk ourselves out of virtually anything.

It's not that we don't trust you. Its that we don't trust ourselves.

We try really hard. Sometimes too hard. Sometimes for the wrong things we think are the right things. Sometimes for the right things we think might be the wrong things.

I was also diagnosed around 17, and to know there's barely any treatment for it has me thinking there's no future where I can be truly happy. The only thing I look forward to is getting older, as apparently age calms it down. I really wish you the best.

Thank you for your reply. The quotes you listed are really relatable. Things did get better for me but this chronic feeling of emptiness and dissatisfaction with life will follow me until the day I die. I don't know if I can live with that forever.