Bouncing thoughts

[CrimsonJuice]

Hello, I am going to describe what I feel.

Does the thought of wanting to die all of sudden, to where you have the thoughts about how you plan on doing it....etc occur

To ten seconds later for example just not think about it anymore. Even I brush it off as a mood. It doesnt even feel pleasant when it is brushed off. It has that lingering afterthought of calm but yet I know its outcome.

Its constant this occurence I can be going through my day or doing somethings i enjoy to this unpleasant but calming suicidal feeling.

Is it alright to be feeling like this?

 

[BojackHorseman]

I feel in a similar way. Not so much as a minute by minute thought, but more day by day. I can have a day that is all consuming with suicidal and depressed thoughts, go to bed for the night or even just take a nap, and then wake up with a different attitude. An attitude kind of like that calm you describe. It's hard to put words to the feeling, not happy or sad, just kind of... eh... and everything I felt previously just feels like a "mood".

I feel like I have 2 different suicidal people inside me. One is frantic and a complete fucking mess and actively researches and starts planning ways to die. The other suicidal person in me is much more calm about it. It's just a very simple and calm desire to give up and die, totally apathetic about everything around me. Like the thought of dying brings me comfort and peace, nothing happening around me matters. I think about how everything is gonna be ok cause if it gets too absolutely unbearable I can just get my pistol and shoot myself, and that calms me down when life gets hard. Which although I seem calm during those moments, I'm aware that's not a healthy thought...

When I'm having a somewhat decent day and look back on my severely frantic suicidal days, it sometimes feels like it wasn't even me, like it was a totally different person. Or just a "mood" as you describe.

I'm new to this site, but since this is in the recovery section I assume that means your wanting to get better. I think maybe you shouldn't be too hard on yourself about those feelings. I don't know your story, but I know lots of us spend years having these thoughts, so it's unfair to yourself to expect yourself to immediately break those thoughts/habits. Give yourself time, and try to train your brain to go back to the pleasant thing you were doing when you feel those thoughts coming. But that's just something I read in a self help book. Definitely easier said than done.

Know that your not alone and I wish you peace.

 

[Lys_C15H25N3O_d3]

First of all, its only my opinion... the thought can go back and forth, maybe linger... but once settled. it becomes a whole different world. one i can't describe. but its like "settled". and you find yourself making arrangements like , "if it were a wedding"


some people simply, go away without ever displaying any "ideation, impulse, romanticizing" the majority of humans might be stuck in these

"mood changes" which i think are the worse. makes us feel like "in a prison within yourself"

the despair of not having "settled" decided. make it "very distressful"

worth mentioning that our judgement is deeply impacted by mental health... but mental health? what is being "mentally healthy?" i guess

people who "are" mentally healthy might not even "feel they are mentally healthy" the thought simply doesn't occur

ultimately its the same question that humanity has been dodging ever since.
personally i have no idea what to feel, think or.. say. Except that its not okay. Don't let these mood changes cloud your judgement . wish you the best, sincerely , english is not my native language so i apologize beforehand if it sounded like those bland email signatures. Take care of yourself

 

[morendo]

i think its calming knowing you have full control over your life
any idea thats engaging or exciting or bold is gonna be bouncing around in ur head (like stress for an upcoming event, or excitement for a party)
if u reduce any triggers that make u think abt suicide and stuff (ie this website name is literally a trigger) , the thoughts will grow a bit more infrequent
but i think the knowledge of ctb and its temptation from whatever in life is a hard thing to escape from
maybe just do the little things that make u happy (:

 

[hiddenbpd]

I feel in a similar way. Not so much as a minute by minute thought, but more day by day. I can have a day that is all consuming with suicidal and depressed thoughts, go to bed for the night or even just take a nap, and then wake up with a different attitude. An attitude kind of like that calm you describe. It's hard to put words to the feeling, not happy or sad, just kind of... eh... and everything I felt previously just feels like a "mood".

I feel like I have 2 different suicidal people inside me. One is frantic and a complete fucking mess and actively researches and starts planning ways to die. The other suicidal person in me is much more calm about it. It's just a very simple and calm desire to give up and die, totally apathetic about everything around me. Like the thought of dying brings me comfort and peace, nothing happening around me matters. I think about how everything is gonna be ok cause if it gets too absolutely unbearable I can just get my pistol and shoot myself, and that calms me down when life gets hard. Which although I seem calm during those moments, I'm aware that's not a healthy thought...

When I'm having a somewhat decent day and look back on my severely frantic suicidal days, it sometimes feels like it wasn't even me, like it was a totally different person. Or just a "mood" as you describe.

I'm new to this site, but since this is in the recovery section I assume that means your wanting to get better. I think maybe you shouldn't be too hard on yourself about those feelings. I don't know your story, but I know lots of us spend years having these thoughts, so it's unfair to yourself to expect yourself to immediately break those thoughts/habits. Give yourself time, and try to train your brain to go back to the pleasant thing you were doing when you feel those thoughts coming. But that's just something I read in a self help book. Definitely easier said than done.

Know that your not alone and I wish you peace.

I've never seen more accurate a description on how I've been feeling about suicide. Thanks for putting it into words.

 

[nightlygem]

I made a thread very similar to yours describing the same concerns and feelings. I would just like to say that you are not alone in this. Very recently, I had a breakdown where I grabbed the gun and almost pointed it at my head, then out of nowhere just set it down and walked away.
It's a weird feeling of always being on the edge. It's very scary to live with. My doctor has described it as a likely case of bipolar, but I'm not entirely sure.

 

[crxssedho3]

Hello, I am going to describe what I feel.

Does the thought of wanting to die all of sudden, to where you have the thoughts about how you plan on doing it....etc occur

To ten seconds later for example just not think about it anymore. Even I brush it off as a mood. It doesnt even feel pleasant when it is brushed off. It has that lingering afterthought of calm but yet I know its outcome.

Its constant this occurence I can be going through my day or doing somethings i enjoy to this unpleasant but calming suicidal feeling.

Is it alright to be feeling like this?

I find comfort in thinking about suicide too. At work for example it was something to think about while dissociated out of my mind at the registers or while cleaning. I would plan it, draft suicide notes on my breaks anything to get the pain out of my brain. It feels so good but I get what you mean about the unsettling feeling. But I always shake out of it and continue as "normal" it's like there's two different people in us the ones we show to everyone on the daily and the secret subconscious person Inside that wants to die more than anything. I'll look someone in the face smiling while thinking about the knife under my pillow at home. And the next second I'm thinking about sonic or something.

 

[olearius]

I made a thread very similar to yours describing the same concerns and feelings. I would just like to say that you are not alone in this. Very recently, I had a breakdown where I grabbed the gun and almost pointed it at my head, then out of nowhere just set it down and walked away.
It's a weird feeling of always being on the edge. It's very scary to live with. My doctor has described it as a likely case of bipolar, but I'm not entirely sure.

It's like this deep intense and impulsive need that precipitously drops to nothing, dissociation, almost, or maybe depersonalization. And then you're waiting for that next moment, on edge.

Much of my suicidality has been like this. I've always called these moments "active". Unlike ideation, which is planning - passively/actively, these active moments are the ones (for me anyways) I will pull the trigger. Or cut into oncoming traffic. Or go to my garage frantically searching for an infinity ratchet strap.

These moments are chaotic and it's so unsettling how the person I am in an active moment vs ideation are so different.

 

[nightlygem]

It's like this deep intense and impulsive need that precipitously drops to nothing, dissociation, almost, or maybe depersonalization. And then you're waiting for that next moment, on edge.

Much of my suicidality has been like this. I've always called these moments "active". Unlike ideation, which is planning - passively/actively, these active moments are the ones (for me anyways) I will pull the trigger. Or cut into oncoming traffic. Or go to my garage frantically searching for an infinity ratchet strap.

These moments are chaotic and it's so unsettling how the person I am in an active moment vs ideation are so different.

I'm happy (yet saddened) to hear that I'm not the only one who has situations like this. When I attempt to CTB, it's like I'm not even there. It's just my body doing whatever it can to end its life as quickly as possible with little to no thought. Truly a dangerous situation to be in.
I wish you well, and I will gladly share any methods to stop this that work for me when I find some.

 

[olearius]

I'm happy (yet saddened) to hear that I'm not the only one who has situations like this. When I attempt to CTB, it's like I'm not even there. It's just my body doing whatever it can to end its life as quickly as possible with little to no thought. Truly a dangerous situation to be in.
I wish you well, and I will gladly share any methods to stop this that work for me when I find some.

Likewise. I'm sorry to relate and yet have nothing to share to fix it, or stop it. I recently had the thought I could have bipolar but the framework for BPD I & II don't really fit me clinically.

I had the thought maybe some people with dissociative disorders can experience some type of dissociative suicidality and this is what it looks like. I spent 6-12 hours a day, intensely dissociated from my body, to survive abuse for nearly two decades and have dissociative ptsd. I don't know if your own history includes any degree of dissociation in response to trauma, or just as a symptom of any mental health struggles you experience.

 

[nightlygem]

Likewise. I'm sorry to relate and yet have nothing to share to fix it, or stop it. I recently had the thought I could have bipolar but the framework for BPD I & II don't really fit me clinically.

I had the thought maybe some people with dissociative disorders can experience some type of dissociative suicidality and this is what it looks like. I spent 6-12 hours a day, intensely dissociated from my body, to survive abuse for nearly two decades and have dissociative ptsd. I don't know if your own history includes any degree of dissociation in response to trauma, or just as a symptom of any mental health struggles you experience.

I do have a past with trauma & abuse and such, handling it with dissociation. You may be getting somewhere with that.. I'd have to ask my doctors about it.
Dissociation and derealization have always been huge struggles for me so I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with that.
I appreciate your input and feedback.

 

[olearius]

I do have a past with trauma & abuse and such, handling it with dissociation. You may be getting somewhere with that.. I'd have to ask my doctors about it.
Dissociation and derealization have always been huge struggles for me so I wouldn't be surprised if it had something to do with that.
I appreciate your input and feedback.

Yes I've struggled so much with that too, and on occasion depersonalization.

I've gone through a shit load of literature and haven't found much. Granted, I'm just an autistic weirdo with my little medical science special interest. I'm going to keep going down this vein though because this thread is the first time I've seen anyone describe what I experience nearly exactly the way I would have.

One thing I've personally observed in myself - my ADHD meds limits the degree to which accidental dissociation happens and has even inhibited intentional dissociation to an extent. But this unfortunately hasn't prevented those moments for me.

I hope your doctor's have some thoughts.