Venting Born again christian against my will

[SpencerSees]

I don't know what's wrong with me. I've been the biggest atheist for the past 7-ish years. Not even going near a church-atheist. But recently as my date is inching closer and my time is ticking, i can't help but wonder what will wait for me after the rope tightens. I've been thinking about all my failures as a person, all the things wrong with me, yk? Like I'm a transgender gay man. That never bothered me before (other than the dysphoria), but now it feels like i'm losing my mind. I've overcome with a familiar guilt. For context, i used to be big on catholicism as a kid. Then i got SA-d and with my bible study teacher's encouragement, i took the blame for the whole thing. I guess I feel the same now. Both about that and the whole identity bs. I know it's dumb, and not necessarily a "woke" thing to say, but why else would i feel so goddamn terrible. I've been praying again. A lot. My intrusive thoughts are getting worse and more often than not involve God, or ways to appease him. I started avoiding my friends and family. I don't want to hurt anyone. I doubt I could, but i can't take any chances. It's so fucking dumb but I guess you kinda lose your mind when you plan your death out so methodically lol.

 

[Brown-Jacket Revy]

I feel you.

I've been praying a bit here and there lately.

Desperation and feeling lost seems to keep one clinging to the idea of a savior, or fear of the afterlife.

But then I seem to come to my senses whenever I'm on Christian social media and hear people's ridiculous anecdotes.

If Christianity was so true and perfect, why the fuck do so many degenerates keep sprouting forth from it?

 

[Worndown]

The strange thing is religion is supposed to comfort us. It can act more like a fire extinguisher filled with gasoline.
Do what you need to do. Don't be haunted by this.