Before you go read this

[Leaving1970]

My son committed suicide at the age of 20 in April of 2025. No note, no explanation, no idea this was going on in his head. This was also a close relationship; we did everything together, on almost a daily basis. I think the closeness makes it even worse. I did not know what was going on.

Over the last year and a half I have been close to doing it myself, as I just can't come to terms with the guilt and not knowing. And I still might—50/50.

I do understand there are many, many reasons for doing it, and everyone's situation is different; that is a fact.

But as a father in living hell, I want to bring pause to anyone that is young. You just don't know what life will bring; think long and hard before you call it quits.

The damage done to the few people that do love you is truly unexplainable. Now if you're old like me and gave it a good try, then hey, go ahead.

But if you're reading this and under 25 years old, as a lot of you are, please look for another way. Again, I know every situation is different. But you are not killing yourself; you are taking others with you!

jim

 

[Carrot]

Hey, I remember you.

Are you going through this alone?

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I'm sorry for your loss

 

[Leaving1970]

Hey, I remember you.

Are you going through this alone?

I have a few friends to talk to about it, but nobody understands. It's the not knowing what or why and the guilt that is hard for people to comprehend.

I tried some suicide therapists that lost kids themselves; they didn't really help, as there just isn't anything anyone can say to make it better.

I have learned time does not heal all wounds. Time makes this worse as you just dwell on it daily.

 

[emptywings]

My son committed suicide at the age of 20 in April of 2025. No note, no explanation, no idea this was going on in his head. This was also a close relationship; we did everything together, on almost a daily basis. I think the closeness makes it even worse. I did not know what was going on.

Over the last year and a half I have been close to doing it myself, as I just can't come to terms with the guilt and not knowing. And I still might—50/50.

I do understand there are many, many reasons for doing it, and everyone's situation is different; that is a fact.

But as a father in living hell, I want to bring pause to anyone that is young. You just don't know what life will bring; think long and hard before you call it quits.

The damage done to the few people that do love you is truly unexplainable. Now if you're old like me and gave it a good try, then hey, go ahead.

But if you're reading this and under 25 years old, as a lot of you are, please look for another way. Again, I know every situation is different. But you are not killing yourself; you are taking others with you!

jim

pal, i feel it.

it must be really hard. there's so much to think about when that happens. keep going bc your son would have wanted that. i'm so sorry for your loss.

 

[ceilingabove]

I will try to be respectful in my reply to you but it is difficult. Only reason I say it is difficult is because I too am young (33 almost 34) but when I finally do end my life, I want my father to be traumatized and follow in my footsteps. He brought me into this world for purely selfish reasons, knowing that I would suffer and die, but did it anyway. I think he deserves to suffer from the grief after I end my life and he deserves to go through the process of considering, planning, and eventually ending his life. I want him to SUFFER beforehand.

I also think that regardless of age, everyone's desire to die is valid and they should have access to a peaceful way out ANY TIME THEY CHOOSE. To be against this is disgusting as I see suicide prevention as being Forced Life slavery. It is extremely invalidating to tell people who are young that they should keep living, and that only people who are old can leave. I disagree with you VERY STRONGLY. If someone is a legal adult (aged 18+) their desire to die is equally as valid as someone who is double or triple their age, if not more than that.

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but your son's desire to die was totally valid and you are the one who sentenced him to suffer and die in the first place. You need to own up to this fact and accept it, as do all people who become parents. When I die, I will bring my father down with me and I don't care about him at all. I have been wanting to die for 8 years and have been close to ending it many times. When my time finally does come, he will know how I feel about him and his decision to procreate.

come on, man… have a bit of grace. why would you say this to him? this person is not your father.

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

come on, man… have a bit of grace. why would you say this to him? this person is not your father.

I was fairly graceful in my post as I could've been far, FAR more disrespectful if I had chosen to be, but I didn't. I stated actual facts about my own father and he too will have to own up to his terrible decision to bring me into this world. I would feel differently if every parent was pro-choice about the right to die, because then they would let their kids know that no matter what, their suffering matters, and that their choice to peacefully end their lives will always be there for them if they choose.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that is against the right to die and I despise it. Euthanasia for people who want to die should be legal everywhere, and freely available but it isn't. People who become parents know that this is the case, but yet they bring kids into the world for various reasons and sentence them to die the hard way. That is a fact. Notice that I did say that I am sorry for the pain he is experiencing because I meant it. Don't ignore the fact that I said this.

 

[pepperfarmer]

It is a lot harder to raise and protect a child than most people admit. Some people hide behind this as an excuse for their own incompetence or abuse, but I do not think it is the case with you. Of course, I don't know you or your child, but your post to me reads like an honest appeal from an honest father who did his best.

Life can be extremely cruel. The world you and I live under is not built for preserving human life or dignity. The best you can do when raising your child is to protect them as long as possible, to instruct them with values to not add to the suffering, and to prepare and support them through facing it themselves. But it is a Herculean task for one or two people to overturn the onslaught of cruelty, isolation, and dehumanization that most people are forced to go through as they develop.

I'm sure there are many beliefs I have regarding suicide that you would strongly disagree with me on, and viceversa. I wouldn't blame you. You're hurting and have lost your child abruptly, and our experiences ultimately build our beliefs. Even if some of the sentiments you share here run contrary to my stances, I can see you're coming here from a place of honest good will. You don't want people to die needlessly, and it is admirable to want to help others.

Your son might have left abruptly because he did not want to hurt you, or wanted to minimize the pain. We cannot know why your son died. Uncertainty can make wounds fester, which is something I'm intimately aware of because of my own ruminations. I've seen people opt out of suicide notes because they thought it might cause unnecessary pain, and that might be what pushed your child to what he did.

It is the hegemonic opinion that suicide is a symptom of a disease, and inherently 'irrational'. Some suicides can be irrational, certainly, but I fear this mindset can be a thought-terminating cliché that can leave suicides inappropriately unexamined, and in some cases dehumanize the suicidal person as simply temporarily sick. It is because of this that I honestly approach you with an invitation to examine the beliefs and sentiments of this forum, and approach with genuine curiosity, humility and empathy; to understand suicide beyond the framework of mere illness, irrationality, or indiscretion. You'll find many people find themselves in both material and psychological prisons far more complex than some temporary embarrassment, that would require very extensive intervention. Some people find themselves in situations far too grim, and that is when suicide often happens.

Regardless of whether you ever understand why I and so many people hold the stances we hold on suicide, and why we see it as a right and at times a rational action, I hope you find peace, even if some answers are beyond our reach. Sometimes, we can't protect those we love from everything, and blaming oneself leads to nothing but pointless shame.

 

[BunBun]

This made me so emotional, I am sorry that I am only able to give you my condolences.

I don't know what your son went through, so I can only speak from my own perspective as someone likely around the same age group.
He probably didn't tell you because he didn't want to burden you in anyway, especially if you had a close bond.
The reason I have not had an honest conversation with my own parents. Is because admitting to them that I have had these thoughts, and actively planned my suicide, makes me feel so ashamed. It makes me feel like I'm telling the people I love the most, the people that are the reason I keep on living. That they have failed me. Which they haven't. There are days when I can't find the peace needed to keep on living, despite how much I love them, and that only adds on to my burden.

I can only hope that my words can give you some closure, or even a faint glimpse of what your son was going through. Even if it might not have been 100% the reason. As we will sadly never know. I am so sorry you have to go through this pain.

I apologize if it seems like I am projecting my own feelings onto your post. I keep imagining my own father, or even my own mother writing this, and the thought haunts me.

 

[MatiSendiri]

I'm sorry about your situation, sending my hugs from one stranger to another.

It's very sad to lost someone who you love, especially if it's your son. However, with all due respect, you had to accept that your son has the independence he got while being an adult, including taking his own life.

I'm speechless as what you should do at this point. You have tried a lot of option and sadly none matches. I just hope that you can heal the wounds you have left right now.

Again, wish I can hug you right now mate. I hope you also find your peace after all of this.

 

[discernment]

I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mum to suicide and similarly didn't have a note or an explanation. I couldn't imagine losing a child

 

[hevnsfall]

I am terribly sorry for your loss

I am 34 and i am very attached to my mom and dad. This year they have built the family crypt and it has triggered a severe generalized anxiety for me and i am prematurely mourning the fact that one day i am gonna lose them.

I have attempted suicide 6 years ago and since then i am on treatment but still am suicidal. The only moment i will carry on with my plan is when both of them will pass, because i cannot stand to bring such pain to them.

 

[ThisPartySucks]

I was fairly graceful in my post as I could've been far, FAR more disrespectful if I had chosen to be, but I didn't. I stated actual facts about my own father and he too will have to own up to his terrible decision to bring me into this world. I would feel differently if every parent was pro-choice about the right to die, because then they would let their kids know that no matter what, their suffering matters, and that their choice to peacefully end their lives will always be there for them if they choose.

Unfortunately, we live in a society that is against the right to die and I despise it. Euthanasia for people who want to die should be legal everywhere, and freely available but it isn't. People who become parents know that this is the case, but yet they bring kids into the world for various reasons and sentence them to die the hard way. That is a fact. Notice that I did say that I am sorry for the pain he is experiencing because I meant it. Don't ignore the fact that I said this.

hey man, this isn't the time or place.

 

[Macedonian1987]

My son committed suicide at the age of 20 in April of 2025. No note, no explanation, no idea this was going on in his head. This was also a close relationship; we did everything together, on almost a daily basis. I think the closeness makes it even worse. I did not know what was going on.

Over the last year and a half I have been close to doing it myself, as I just can't come to terms with the guilt and not knowing. And I still might—50/50.

I do understand there are many, many reasons for doing it, and everyone's situation is different; that is a fact.

But as a father in living hell, I want to bring pause to anyone that is young. You just don't know what life will bring; think long and hard before you call it quits.

The damage done to the few people that do love you is truly unexplainable. Now if you're old like me and gave it a good try, then hey, go ahead.

But if you're reading this and under 25 years old, as a lot of you are, please look for another way. Again, I know every situation is different. But you are not killing yourself; you are taking others with you!

jim

I'm so sorry for what has happened to your son I really am. I wish my father was like you Jim, but he was not. He never cared or acknowledged my brain and bodily ailments (Asperger's hypotonia, weak muscles, joints that started degrading at the age of 24, and now at the age of 39 are in awful state and every step brings pain, depression, loveless life without a single relationship and never having friens my entire life)

I stayed alive for the SOLE purpose not to hurt my narcissistic cold parents for many many years. I started becoming suicidal at the age of 16 and somehow I pushed thru up to the age of 39, but I just cannot do it any more.

My sincere condolences Jim. For your son to leave this world by means of suicide, there must have been something that bothered him immensely. Yet he still chose to hide it from you because he obviously loved you very much as a father. I truly hope that he is at peace and in a better place than this world.

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

hey man, this isn't the time or place.

It is EXACTLY the time and place, as I was replying to someone who said something else to me. I am being perfectly respectful and speaking the truth.

 

[Passenger4224]

There is a community on Reddit called r/SuicideBereavement where people post about their experiences and support each other in the comments. You might find helpful input and support there.

Being young unfortunately doesn't mean your life has potential to get better. I'm a walking example. I wish it was the case.

 

[solely.pain]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Respectfully, being under 25 as long as you are over 18 doesn't make someone's struggles less valid. I'm still in university, but just because I'm younger than most people here doesn't mean I haven't looked for other alternatives. I already know that some of my family will care when I die which is something that I have made peace with.

 

[Leaving1970]

There is a community on Reddit called r/SuicideBereavement where people post about their experiences and support each other in the comments. You might find helpful input and support there.

Being young unfortunately doesn't mean your life has potential to get better. I'm a walking example. I wish it was the case.

I wasn't seeking help more than just saying what you do affects more people than you. Maybe you don't care, or clearly, as the other "person" said, they want to hurt people. You sometimes don't see things clearly at 20, but if you live long enough, maybe you look back and realize it wasn't as bad as you thought.

Or maybe not . . . This is a very complex subject to say the least.

I'm so sorry for what has happened to your son I really am. I wish my father was like you Jim, but he was not. He never cared or acknowledged my brain and bodily ailments (Asperger's hypotonia, weak muscles, joints that started degrading at the age of 24, and now at the age of 39 are in awful state and every step brings pain, depression, loveless life without a single relationship and never having friens my entire life)

I stayed alive for the SOLE purpose not to hurt my narcissistic cold parents for many many years. I started becoming suicidal at the age of 16 and somehow I pushed thru up to the age of 39, but I just cannot do it any more.

My sincere condolences Jim. For your son to leave this world by means of suicide, there must have been something that bothered him immensely. Yet he still chose to hide it from you because he obviously loved you very much as a father. I truly hope that he is at peace and in a better place than this world.

Thank you. Sorry for the health issues; I can for sure see how that would be very depressing. Without having supportive parents, I get it. That is rough, and I guess it underscores everyone's different reason for wanting to do this.

You know I really can't say what I would do in your shoes.

You are correct, something that he perceived as not recoverable and didn't want to go on was lurking in there.

Well . . and then the lifelong debate on what is next after death, if anything—we won't go there.

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

Here is the problem: first, you're a bitter, hateful fucker. Not sure what your parents did to you that you have this much hate at 33. Possibly they did horrible things; nobody but you knows this. But to make a statement that anyone's desire to die is valid. Not true, when you're young (not 33) you really do not know what you think you do . . .People kill themselves for a multitude of reasons. Some are valid, others not; the not is because they are young and don't understand relationships, jobs, or whatever has happened to them. I also highly doubt the majority of suicides are to punish their parents or family. Some, maybe, but most not.

So tell me, 8 years, huh? What's the hold-up?

You are right about me being bitter and hateful. I despise my parents and curse the day I was born. My mother should've died when she was pregnant with me in the first place. Would've been merciful.

As for why I haven't offed myself yet, I have a few reasons. For one, I don't have access to a peaceful way out. Second reason is I have this fear that an evil God exists who designed our world the way it is on purpose. There is no guarantee that killing myself will result in permanent nonexistence. What if I get reincarnated or sent to Hell? Can you prove to me that these possibilities don't exist? I doubt you can.

 

[Leaving1970]

I'm very sorry for your loss.

Respectfully, being under 25 as long as you are over 18 doesn't make someone's struggles less valid. I'm still in university, but just because I'm younger than most people here doesn't mean I haven't looked for other alternatives. I already know that some of my family will care when I die which is something that I have made peace with.

I didn't mean less valid. I was just trying to say at a young age you just don't know what may or may not happen. Did I listen at 20, no!!! I thought I knew everything. It wasn't until maybe 20 years later I realized things people tried to tell me at 20 were true: I was just stupid and didn't listen.

He must have thought this was the answer to a problem. What if he would have told me the problem, whatever it was. I probably could have helped, but whatever it was, it was so bad he didn't. but that was a tragic error on his part.

You are right about me being bitter and hateful. I despise my parents and curse the day I was born. My mother should've died when she was pregnant with me in the first place. Would've been merciful.

As for why I haven't offed myself yet, I have a few reasons. For one, I don't have access to a peaceful way out. Second reason is I have this fear that an evil God exists who designed our world the way it is on purpose. There is no guarantee that killing myself will result in permanent nonexistence. What if I get reincarnated or sent to Hell? Can you prove to me that these possibilities don't exist? I doubt you can.

Can I ask why? What did they do, if you're ok with sharing?

You are spot on about what if God exists. I kind of think he does, but I do not believe everything in the Bible.

I don't want to flood the thread with a religious debate more than just I agree after you pull the trigger; you don't know.

 

[valar_morghulis21]

Sorry for your loss. I've lived my entire life pleasing others and keep them happy. This is the only thing I can control and I'm sorry but no one will take it away from me, or make me feel guilty about it on top of everything else already happen. However logically speaking, being under 25 is extremely young and I do consider greatly of living past this age. So thanks for that reminder.

 

[itried_]

Some things just can't be fixed. It makes me very sad to think about how my parents will feel, but why should I live in constant mental pain? I just can't, just wanna peace.

 

[SkeletonFlower96]

I should've killed myself when i was 18 years old and a lot of people think like me. Dying is almost always better than living. It's kinda stupid to just keep living in a blind hope that things will MAYBE get better.

 

[Dot]

Sme1 mght nd 2 trnsl8if n.e1 = feelng knd enuf

Thred lke ths = alwys goin2 b delic8 bcse tbh evry1 = comng frm undrstndble perspctves

@Leaving1970 = nw suicdl himslf bcse of wht happnd in hs famly & ds nt wnt othr ppl 2 xpernce wht hs mde hm fl tht wy - also OP slf undrstnd tht u wre angerd frm a commnt tht ws mde 2 u bt askng ppl/challngng whn thy r goin2 ctb etc = nt allowd on sasu fr obvs reasns

Also persnlly slf hve nevr bn an anti-natlist s/ hve alwys bn uncmfrtble wth concpt of blamng parnts fr causng suffrng jst thru xistnce -- thre r sme trly sh*tty parnts out thre & @Lost in a Dream slf undrstnd tht ur parnts wre amng thm bt thre r also sme lovng parnts out thre & no1 cn knw thru comptr scrn wht knd u r intractng wth

1 thng abt b-ing oldr tho = tht oldr ppl hve witnessd lts of seasns in lves of othrs - mny thngs hve changd & ppl hve improvd & gne on 2 hve gr8 lves -- & obv on plce lke sasu tht hs nt happnd bt leavng yng remves tht possblty fr chnge -- s/ smetmes thre wll b a clashng of perspcvtes - wht = importnt = 2 sty respctfl & nt patrnisng 2wrds ech othr

& yh suicde = goin2 caus trma fr othr ppl - imo thre wll alwys b a balnce betwn st8tng an uncmfrtble fct & gult trippng & honstly frm OP pst slf d/ nt thnk h/ ws tryn2 d/ tht

Bt yh thnk = recognsd amng lts of ppl tht ctb = lst rsort bcse obv u cannt d/ n.e.thng aftrwrds - jst depnds on ech persn wht tht mns 2 thm

 

[WishfulNeanderthal]

Sme1 mght nd 2 trnsl8if n.e1 = feelng knd enuf

Thred lke ths = alwys goin2 b delic8 bcse tbh evry1 = comng frm undrstndble perspctves

@Leaving1970 = nw suicdl himslf bcse of wht happnd in hs famly & ds nt wnt othr ppl 2 xpernce wht hs mde hm fl tht wy - also OP slf undrstnd tht u wre angerd frm a commnt tht ws mde 2 u bt askng ppl/challngng whn thy r goin2 ctb etc = nt allowd on sasu fr obvs reasns

Also persnlly slf hve nevr bn an anti-natlist s/ hve alwys bn uncmfrtble wth concpt of blamng parnts fr causng suffrng jst thru xistnce -- thre r sme trly sh*tty parnts out thre & @Lost in a Dream slf undrstnd tht ur parnts wre amng thm bt thre r also sme lovng parnts out thre & no1 cn knw thru comptr scrn wht knd u r intractng wth

1 thng abt b-ing oldr tho = tht oldr ppl hve witnessd lts of seasns in lves of othrs - mny thngs hve changd & ppl hve improvd & gne on 2 hve gr8 lves -- & obv on plce lke sasu tht hs nt happnd bt leavng yng remves tht possblty fr chnge -- s/ smetmes thre wll b a clashng of perspcvtes - wht = importnt = 2 sty respctfl & nt patrnisng 2wrds ech othr

& yh suicde = goin2 caus trma fr othr ppl - imo thre wll alwys b a balnce betwn st8tng an uncmfrtble fct & gult trippng & honstly frm OP pst slf d/ nt thnk h/ ws tryn2 d/ tht

Bt yh thnk = recognsd amng lts of ppl tht ctb = lst rsort bcse obv u cannt d/ n.e.thng aftrwrds - jst depnds on ech persn wht tht mns 2 thm

Translation:
"Someone might need to translate this (?) if you're feeling kind enough.

Threads like this are always going to be delicate because to be honest everyone is coming from understandable perspectives.

@Leaving1970 is now suicidal himself because of what happened in his family and does not want other people to experience what has made him feel that way, also OP I understand that you were angered from a comment that was made to you but asking people/challenging when they are going to CTB etc is not allowed on sasu for obvious reasons.

Also personally I have never been an anti-natalist so i have always been uncomfortable with the concept of blaming parents for causing suffering just through existence, there are some truly shitty parents out there and @Lost in a Dream I understand that your parents were among them but there are also some loving parents out there and no one can know through computer screens what kind you are interacting with.

One thing about being older though is that older people have witnessed lots of seasons in lives of others, many things have changed and people have improved and gone on to have great lives, and obviously on places like sasu that has not happened but leaving young removes that possibility for change, so sometimes there will be a clashing of perspectives, what is important is to stay respectful and not patronising towards eachother.

And yeah suicide is going to cause trauma for other people, in my opinion there will always be a balance between stating an uncomfortable fact and guilt tripping and honestly from OP's post i dont think he was trying to do that.

But yeah I think its recognized among lots of people that CTB is a last resort because obviously you cant undo this thing afterwards, just depends on each person what that means to them.

 

[MrDarkness]

I have learned time does not heal all wounds. Time makes this worse as you just dwell on it daily.

I lost a lot of good people to suicide, some under circumstances where recovery was truly possible, they just committed suicide due to in the moment decisions. The sad truth is, you never will get over the loss, it will always be with you, but it gets easier and it dwells less, you will go from always thinking about them to just them being an occasional passing thought. I'm really sorry for your loss, life is truly special, we just don't understand its gift until someone we care about is taken.

 

[sleepytime5]

I will try to be respectful in my reply to you but it is difficult. Only reason I say it is difficult is because I too am young (33 almost 34) but when I finally do end my life, I want my father to be traumatized and follow in my footsteps. He brought me into this world for purely selfish reasons, knowing that I would suffer and die, but did it anyway. I think he deserves to suffer from the grief after I end my life and he deserves to go through the process of considering, planning, and eventually ending his life. I want him to SUFFER beforehand.

I also think that regardless of age, everyone's desire to die is valid and they should have access to a peaceful way out ANY TIME THEY CHOOSE. To be against this is disgusting as I see suicide prevention as being Forced Life slavery. It is extremely invalidating to tell people who are young that they should keep living, and that only people who are old can leave. I disagree with you VERY STRONGLY. If someone is a legal adult (aged 18+) their desire to die is equally as valid as someone who is double or triple their age, if not more than that.

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but your son's desire to die was totally valid and you are the one who sentenced him to suffer and die in the first place. You need to own up to this fact and accept it, as do all people who become parents. When I die, I will bring my father down with me and I don't care about him at all. I have been wanting to die for 8 years and have been close to ending it many times. When my time finally does come, he will know how I feel about him and his decision to procreate.

Well you kinda said a bunch of the shit I did want to say so I'll just reply with the stuff I kinda disagree first before reinforcing the stuff I agree, I really am lazy...
Anyways so I kinda disagree with you projecting your dad onto him, sure imo this is kind of a nothingburger victimblaming post but at the same time let's not twist the knife that hard. My dad also did shit to me but everyone's situation is different and there's nothing guaranteeing me this person is like him.
I guess in case the father is reading this, a bit of words of reassurance towards u : It probably was not your fault, especially if he did not leave any note, he was probably in a big distress and was censoring his suicidal ideation until it blew up in a cascade ending his own life. I was close to doing this during extreme situations, however before my proper ctb I will send some reassurances to people to tell them it's not their fault, but that's mostly it.
Regarding the other thing I agree with you lostinadream, it is someone's choice and this post really doesn't do anything then call onto your emotions "Dont kys or else I'll kms too" sadly being a parent means not being able to do it and being responsible for your son, however a son isn't responsible for his father. I want the original poster to understand this, but also that it's almost 99% not his fault cause his son would have probably notified him before, certainly what I'll do to people who contributed to my ctb. So he shouldn't sweat himself too much, but he shouldn't sweat others either by talking about how he is going to do it, instead he should rather just warn people about how important reassuring others through a note is for them to not feel guilty after they ctb

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

First of all, regardless of anyone's opinion on suicide and all that I'm sorry that you have to go through this. I can't fully comprehend your pain, but I can empathise that it's an incredibly rough spot to be in as a parent.

I don't really want to get into the discussion of whether or not people of a certain age should be 'allowed' of off themselves or not, although I personally think that it's everyone's sole decision whether or not they like to and everyone should be offered a graceful way out if they so desire.

I myself am 34 by now and have had some ideation with me for basically a decade and although they weren't always particularly present, even quite absent at times, they also never fully disappeared as life continuously didn't go my way whatsoever. At this point I've pretty much lost all hope and motivation and my existence is just dreadful.

While I can't exactly understand the pain a parent might suffer in such a case – since I am not a parent – this thought has been on my mind sometimes ever since my suicidal ideation took hold of me, considering I unsurprisingly also have parents who would probably be devastated. Nonetheless I value the end of my daily and seemingly eternal unredeemable suffering higher than someone else's possible suffering – call it egoistic if you wish so, I really don't care. No one can ease my pain and barely anyone ever tries and considering that I don't consider it my responsibility to this for others either.

Regarding the absence of any message from your son before he killed himself you might consider this: If he had told you about his plan, would you have involuntarily committed him or would he have been involuntarily committed somehow? The likely answer to that is: yes. The fact that the hegemonic opinion prevents people from making a choice as soon as they open up usually is part of the problem and might be part of the reason he didn't. Obviously this is speculation, but being here and reading a lot gives me the strongest impression this is one of the most important reasons many people don't open up to their loved ones, therapists or in general. I don't know if this perspective will provide you with any solace but I thought it might be a piece of the puzzle worth mentioning.

Wishing you the best!

 

[Lost in a Nightmare]

Can I ask why? What did they do, if you're ok with sharing?

Sure, if you really want to know I can tell you. I was brought into this world for no other reason than to be used as a slave by my dad, it was completely exploitive. Doesn't help that when I was 16-17 I overheard a conversation between my dad and a friend of his where they literally said he only wanted a son to use for doing chores - to him I was just a piece of equipment to use. Growing up he would scream at me like a drill instructor over the stupidest things, and would throw tools, that kind of stuff. My grandpa was like that towards him growing up too, so I guess it's somewhat understandable. Inherited abusive behavior and anger issues are the worst. My mom wasn't much better because I witnessed her beating up my sister one morning because she didn't want to get out of bed for school. That trauma will stay with me forever.

Inherited health problems like blood disorders from my genetics is part of the problem too, I more than likely will get some kind of disease like leukemia or worse. My mother and grandmother from my mom's side both had these things. My grandma had to get blood transfusions regularly and my mom died horribly in the hospital before she could even retire after being a wage slave her entire life. I came to the realization that this is what I have to look forward too, a lifetime of wage slavery only to die a horrible death before I can even retire. Doesn't give me much hope.

Doesn't help that I was also raised in church by my grandparents where I was threatened with Hell regularly if I didn't go along with the script. I never found hope in church, only more misery and resentment. I understand you not wanting a religious debate, so I will end it here with the religious talk.

I am sorry that I upset you though. It wasn't my intention, but I had to say what I knew to be true. Everyone dies in this life, it's just a fact, and the odds of it being terrible are very high. None of us are guaranteed a peaceful exit at the end. If it were the case that everyone died peacefully in their sleep at the end, perhaps I would've been less harsh in my reply to your thread. I've spent my entire life fearing death and how horrible it will be. Always having to think about it and knowing it will happen is just the cherry on top of all the trauma I've experienced.

I will also admit that part of why I was so nasty originally is because I am grieving the loss of my ex-girlfriend who died a year ago. I found out on a Facebook post that she was gone and I am not dealing with it well at all. We broke up 3 years ago and I've been an alcoholic ever since. Finding out that she was gone broke me in ways I can't even begin to explain or understand. I loved her with all of my heart, but before I met her, she was trapped in a horribly abusive relationship that I tried to help her escape from and I couldn't do it. I'm drinking whiskey and crying really hard as I write this so I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I truly am sorry for your pain. I wish I could fix it but I can't. I can't fix anyone's pain and that is the reason I am an extinctionist. I wish the whole world would burn to ashes until there is no life left anywhere. It would end all the pain and misery that exists if it happened.

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

I'm sorry for your loss and I pray you manage to recover from the heartbreak you must be feeling.
As someone somewhat young and with a family, I don't plan to leave a note or explanation either, mainly because It's my own life and choice and I just feel so exhausted pretending to be fine let alone explain everything in life that led up to me feeling this way in a way they could understand.
It feels like pointless justifying that will go on deaf ears like it always did.
I'm tired.
I'll try to minimize the hurt my family will feel when the time comes, but I can't put their needs in front of my own when I feel so much shaky anxiety, depression, deep exhaustion and despair.
I can't reconstruct what your son might have been thinking but I guess my perspective might be one of the many possible ones out there.