Before you go read this

[Lost in a Dream]

Can I ask why? What did they do, if you're ok with sharing?

Sure, if you really want to know I can tell you. I was brought into this world for no other reason than to be used as a slave by my dad, it was completely exploitive. Doesn't help that when I was 16-17 I overheard a conversation between my dad and a friend of his where they literally said he only wanted a son to use for doing chores - to him I was just a piece of equipment to use. Growing up he would scream at me like a drill instructor over the stupidest things, and would throw tools, that kind of stuff. My grandpa was like that towards him growing up too, so I guess it's somewhat understandable. Inherited abusive behavior and anger issues are the worst. My mom wasn't much better because I witnessed her beating up my sister one morning because she didn't want to get out of bed for school. That trauma will stay with me forever.

Inherited health problems like blood disorders from my genetics is part of the problem too, I more than likely will get some kind of disease like leukemia or worse. My mother and grandmother from my mom's side both had these things. My grandma had to get blood transfusions regularly and my mom died horribly in the hospital before she could even retire after being a wage slave her entire life. I came to the realization that this is what I have to look forward too, a lifetime of wage slavery only to die a horrible death before I can even retire. Doesn't give me much hope.

Doesn't help that I was also raised in church by my grandparents where I was threatened with Hell regularly if I didn't go along with the script. I never found hope in church, only more misery and resentment. I understand you not wanting a religious debate, so I will end it here with the religious talk.

I am sorry that I upset you though. It wasn't my intention, but I had to say what I knew to be true. Everyone dies in this life, it's just a fact, and the odds of it being terrible are very high. None of us are guaranteed a peaceful exit at the end. If it were the case that everyone died peacefully in their sleep at the end, perhaps I would've been less harsh in my reply to your thread. I've spent my entire life fearing death and how horrible it will be. Always having to think about it and knowing it will happen is just the cherry on top of all the trauma I've experienced.

I will also admit that part of why I was so nasty originally is because I am grieving the loss of my ex-girlfriend who died a year ago. I found out on a Facebook post that she was gone and I am not dealing with it well at all. We broke up 3 years ago and I've been an alcoholic ever since. Finding out that she was gone broke me in ways I can't even begin to explain or understand. I loved her with all of my heart, but before I met her, she was trapped in a horribly abusive relationship that I tried to help her escape from and I couldn't do it. I'm drinking whiskey and crying really hard as I write this so I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I truly am sorry for your pain. I wish I could fix it but I can't. I can't fix anyone's pain and that is the reason I am an extinctionist. I wish the whole world would burn to ashes until there is no life left anywhere. It would end all the pain and misery that exists if it happened.

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

I'm sorry for your loss and I pray you manage to recover from the heartbreak you must be feeling.
As someone somewhat young and with a family, I don't plan to leave a note or explanation either, mainly because It's my own life and choice and I just feel so exhausted pretending to be fine let alone explain everything in life that led up to me feeling this way in a way they could understand.
It feels like pointless justifying that will go on deaf ears like it always did.
I'm tired.
I'll try to minimize the hurt my family will feel when the time comes, but I can't put their needs in front of my own when I feel so much shaky anxiety, depression, deep exhaustion and despair.
I can't reconstruct what your son might have been thinking but I guess my perspective might be one of the many possible ones out there.

 

[ceilingabove]

I will also admit that part of why I was so nasty originally is because I am grieving the loss of my ex-girlfriend who died a year ago. I found out on a Facebook post that she was gone and I am not dealing with it well at all. We broke up 3 years ago and I've been an alcoholic ever since. Finding out that she was gone broke me in ways I can't even begin to explain or understand. I loved her with all of my heart, but before I met her, she was trapped in a horribly abusive relationship that I tried to help her escape from and I couldn't do it. I'm drinking whiskey and crying really hard as I write this so I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I truly am sorry for your pain. I wish I could fix it but I can't. I can't fix anyone's pain and that is the reason I am an extinctionist. I wish the whole world would burn to ashes until there is no life left anywhere. It would end all the pain and misery that exists if it happened.

props to you for owning up. i'm sorry about your ex-girlfriend, really am.

 

[Leaving1970]

Sure, if you really want to know I can tell you. I was brought into this world for no other reason than to be used as a slave by my dad, it was completely exploitive. Doesn't help that when I was 16-17 I overheard a conversation between my dad and a friend of his where they literally said he only wanted a son to use for doing chores - to him I was just a piece of equipment to use. Growing up he would scream at me like a drill instructor over the stupidest things, and would throw tools, that kind of stuff. My grandpa was like that towards him growing up too, so I guess it's somewhat understandable. Inherited abusive behavior and anger issues are the worst. My mom wasn't much better because I witnessed her beating up my sister one morning because she didn't want to get out of bed for school. That trauma will stay with me forever.

Inherited health problems like blood disorders from my genetics is part of the problem too, I more than likely will get some kind of disease like leukemia or worse. My mother and grandmother from my mom's side both had these things. My grandma had to get blood transfusions regularly and my mom died horribly in the hospital before she could even retire after being a wage slave her entire life. I came to the realization that this is what I have to look forward too, a lifetime of wage slavery only to die a horrible death before I can even retire. Doesn't give me much hope.

Doesn't help that I was also raised in church by my grandparents where I was threatened with Hell regularly if I didn't go along with the script. I never found hope in church, only more misery and resentment. I understand you not wanting a religious debate, so I will end it here with the religious talk.

I am sorry that I upset you though. It wasn't my intention, but I had to say what I knew to be true. Everyone dies in this life, it's just a fact, and the odds of it being terrible are very high. None of us are guaranteed a peaceful exit at the end. If it were the case that everyone died peacefully in their sleep at the end, perhaps I would've been less harsh in my reply to your thread. I've spent my entire life fearing death and how horrible it will be. Always having to think about it and knowing it will happen is just the cherry on top of all the trauma I've experienced.

I will also admit that part of why I was so nasty originally is because I am grieving the loss of my ex-girlfriend who died a year ago. I found out on a Facebook post that she was gone and I am not dealing with it well at all. We broke up 3 years ago and I've been an alcoholic ever since. Finding out that she was gone broke me in ways I can't even begin to explain or understand. I loved her with all of my heart, but before I met her, she was trapped in a horribly abusive relationship that I tried to help her escape from and I couldn't do it. I'm drinking whiskey and crying really hard as I write this so I hope you can understand where I'm coming from. I truly am sorry for your pain. I wish I could fix it but I can't. I can't fix anyone's pain and that is the reason I am an extinctionist. I wish the whole world would burn to ashes until there is no life left anywhere. It would end all the pain and misery that exists if it happened.

I have had trouble in life with alcohol, which I get. You have to be an addict to understand an addict. But I did get past it . . .but my question is given all that why do some move on with life from a shitty household or overbearing religion, and others decide to check out?

Before you answer, my issue is, where does the suicide ideation come from? We have millions upon millions that life sucks. Especially if you back out and look at the entire globe vs. your own country.

So as with him, why suicide vs. life sucks. Just seems there must be something people are missing. In the usa, 50,000 people per year commit suicide vs. a population of 340 million. Out of the 340 million, more than 1/2 probably think life sucks but continue on . . .

 

[50/50]

Did your son ever have a gf?

 

[ceilingabove]

I have had trouble in life with alcohol, which I get. You have to be an addict to understand an addict. But I did get past it . . .but my question is given all that why do some move on with life from a shitty household or overbearing religion, and others decide to check out?

Before you answer, my issue is, where does the suicide ideation come from? We have millions upon millions that life sucks. Especially if you back out and look at the entire globe vs. your own country.

So as with him, why suicide vs. life sucks. Just seems there must be something people are missing. In the usa, 50,000 people per year commit suicide vs. a population of 340 million. Out of the 340 million, more than 1/2 probably think life sucks but continue on . . .

i know you didn't ask me, but immediately these are my thoughts. because it's hard to commit. it's terrifying. and it feels extreme (scaring a lot of people away from considering it). hence why so many people here wish assisted suicide was commonplace. and are pro choice. also, there are plenty of miserable people that don't have time to think. i'd wager alot more ppl are passively suicidal. or people would be but they just don't have the vocabulary for it. people go through their lives scared of death, but there are those who are so miserable they see it more favorably. or they do it impulsively despite their terror.

 

[Leaving1970]

I'm sorry for your loss and I pray you manage to recover from the heartbreak you must be feeling.
As someone somewhat young and with a family, I don't plan to leave a note or explanation either, mainly because It's my own life and choice and I just feel so exhausted pretending to be fine let alone explain everything in life that led up to me feeling this way in a way they could understand.
It feels like pointless justifying that will go on deaf ears like it always did.
I'm tired.
I'll try to minimize the hurt my family will feel when the time comes, but I can't put their needs in front of my own when I feel so much shaky anxiety, depression, deep exhaustion and despair.
I can't reconstruct what your son might have been thinking but I guess my perspective might be one of the many possible ones out there.

So in your case and probably many others, you feel like nobody will understand? And you feel that there is no way to fix anything that could make your situation better?

I wonder, does a supportive family even matter? When a person gets to this point, do they just think no one can understand, regardless if that is true or not?

But I go back to this is not a common train of thought; most roll on, but some 50,000 in the usa don't each year. But the other 340 million do . . .

I don't know, its complex to say the least

This made me so emotional, I am sorry that I am only able to give you my condolences.

I don't know what your son went through, so I can only speak from my own perspective as someone likely around the same age group.
He probably didn't tell you because he didn't want to burden you in anyway, especially if you had a close bond.
The reason I have not had an honest conversation with my own parents. Is because admitting to them that I have had these thoughts, and actively planned my suicide, makes me feel so ashamed. It makes me feel like I'm telling the people I love the most, the people that are the reason I keep on living. That they have failed me. Which they haven't. There are days when I can't find the peace needed to keep on living, despite how much I love them, and that only adds on to my burden.

I can only hope that my words can give you some closure, or even a faint glimpse of what your son was going through. Even if it might not have been 100% the reason. As we will sadly never know. I am so sorry you have to go through this pain.

I apologize if it seems like I am projecting my own feelings onto your post. I keep imagining my own father, or even my own mother writing this, and the thought haunts me.

Ok, I can understand being ashamed, but don't you think just maybe they might be able to help? I know some parents are not helpful; I understand there is a huge range of parenting styles and relationships with their kids. But do you and others not think well maybe they might be able to help?

I don't know why he said nothing, and maybe being ashamed was a piece of it. But, still, killing yourself is an over-the-top reaction; most just don't think that way.

Ok, well, I am sure a shit ton think about it, but it's a passing thought. Something happens and this fixation takes hold.

I don'tknow was just thinking out loud

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I have had trouble in life with alcohol, which I get. You have to be an addict to understand an addict. But I did get past it . . .but my question is given all that why do some move on with life from a shitty household or overbearing religion, and others decide to check out?

Before you answer, my issue is, where does the suicide ideation come from? We have millions upon millions that life sucks. Especially if you back out and look at the entire globe vs. your own country.

So as with him, why suicide vs. life sucks. Just seems there must be something people are missing. In the usa, 50,000 people per year commit suicide vs. a population of 340 million. Out of the 340 million, more than 1/2 probably think life sucks but continue on . . .

I will always be an addict until the day I kill myself, that is just how it will always be. I think most people who move on do it because they have delusions about life or they lose hope in the idea of ending their lives being the permanent end of their existence. There really is no good answer.

I think the 50,000 who commit suicide see reality for what it is, but the rest just cling to delusions about it so they can feel better about this miserable existence. Many of them are religious and pretend that their suffering has some kind of meaning because a God exists, but I see that as BS. I don't see the existence of God being BS, but I see their suffering having meaning or being for a good reason as being BS. I am fully convinced that God is real but I absolutely hate the fucker with all my hatred. If I could kill God, I would do it.

If you haven't ever done so before, I recommend doing some reading about Gnosticism and similar religions. In Gnosticism, they believe that our world and material universe was created by an evil demiurge and that him and his archons feed on our suffering. This makes a lot of sense to me.

 

[Leaving1970]

Did your son ever have a gf?

Yeah, but nothing ever steady or like the "love of his life" or there could have easily been female trouble I didn't know about. As close as we were, an 18-20-year-old is overly forthcoming about females. . .

I will always be an addict until the day I kill myself, that is just how it will always be. I think most people who move on do it because they have delusions about life or they lose hope in the idea of ending their lives being the permanent end of their existence. There really is no good answer.

I think the 50,000 who commit suicide see reality for what it is, but the rest just cling to delusions about it so they can feel better about this miserable existence. Many of them are religious and pretend that their suffering has some kind of meaning because a God exists, but I see that as BS. I don't see the existence of God being BS, but I see their suffering having meaning or being for a good reason as being BS. I am fully convinced that God is real but I absolutely hate the fucker with all my hatred. If I could kill God, I would do it.

If you haven't ever done so before, I recommend doing some reading about Gnosticism and similar religions. In Gnosticism, they believe that our world and material universe was created by an evil demiurge and that him and his archons feed on our suffering. This makes a lot of sense to me.

Well, most could be delusional, I suppose. Maybe religion was invented to keep the population at large from running out in front of a train.

But still, it's hard to believe 50K people gave up on the illusion and triple-digit millions roll on.

 

[ceilingabove]

Yeah, but nothing ever steady or like the "love of his life" or there could have easily been female trouble I didn't know about. As close as we were, an 18-20-year-old is overly forthcoming about females. . .

Well, most could be delusional, I suppose. Maybe religion was invented to keep the population at large from running out in front of a train.

But still, it's hard to believe 50K people gave up on the illusion and triple-digit millions roll on.

they didn't give up. they did the hardest, most difficult thing someone can do.

 

[swankysoup]

I'm 28 so i guess fuck me

 

[Leaving1970]

they didn't give up. they did the hardest, most difficult thing someone can do.

That is up for debate. Hard is me staying here, while momentarily difficult, leaving solves the future of this living hell.

I'm 28 so i guess fuck me

In my quest to understand, why do you want to check out at 28?

 

[swankysoup]

That is up for debate. Hard is me staying here, while momentarily difficult, leaving solves the future of this living hell.

In my quest to understand, why do you want to check out at 28?

What do you mean at 28? Why is that relevant?

 

[MrMegalomaniac]

So in your case and probably many others, you feel like nobody will understand? And you feel that there is no way to fix anything that could make your situation better?

I wonder, does a supportive family even matter? When a person gets to this point, do they just think no one can understand, regardless if that is true or not?

But I go back to this is not a common train of thought; most roll on, but some 50,000 in the usa don't each year. But the other 340 million do . . .

I don't know, its complex to say the least

I do feel that there are people that understand, many on this forum are examples of ppl that find themselves in a similar mindset and/or situation, and it's comforting to have that understanding felt by someone.
I wouldn't know what would make it truly "better" tho.
My parents' mindset seems to be that depression and negative thoughts are something that you're meant to endure for however long it lasts, and this seems common in their generation.
But I guess my patience has a lower limit and the "unthinkable" is just "thinkable/an option" in my view, to make the suffering stop.
Ur right, It's a complex mess.
I'm unsure if the generational divergence is a factor or to what degree, but I guess it would follow if u go by the assumption that we're products of the world and time we find ourselves in, a lot of things have changed in how we do things, normatively, societally etc...
You know how a lot of things that 20-30 years ago were unthinkable are now just normal? The way the younger generations think and frame things are very different.
This way of thinking may become the normative opinion in the somewhat near future, it's not going to stay at ~50k forever, I think it's only going to grow.

To answer the question, I don't think there's a single thing anyone in my family could do, however compassionately, to "fix" whatever is broken inside me.

 

[Somewhat Suicidal]

I have had trouble in life with alcohol, which I get. You have to be an addict to understand an addict. But I did get past it . . .but my question is given all that why do some move on with life from a shitty household or overbearing religion, and others decide to check out?

Before you answer, my issue is, where does the suicide ideation come from? We have millions upon millions that life sucks. Especially if you back out and look at the entire globe vs. your own country.

So as with him, why suicide vs. life sucks. Just seems there must be something people are missing. In the usa, 50,000 people per year commit suicide vs. a population of 340 million. Out of the 340 million, more than 1/2 probably think life sucks but continue on . . .

Mental resilience, social stigma, personal values, religion, social connections, relationships and tons of other immeasurable or hard to grasp factors that rarely if ever occur to those who only look on the surface come to mind. There is some of the poorest people who live in tight knit communities on this planet and they have some of the lowest suicide rates worldwide despite on the surface having not the greatest living conditions. But they have each other and feel connected on a more primal and humane level, which is something many people in modern / western societies lack entirely these days.

So in your case and probably many others, you feel like nobody will understand? And you feel that there is no way to fix anything that could make your situation better?

I wonder, does a supportive family even matter? When a person gets to this point, do they just think no one can understand, regardless if that is true or not?

When a person gets to this point they have been proven time and again that no one cares or does understand most likely.
The least of us here are planning or deliberating about suicide out of a momentary mood, but after years and years of repetitive experiences of suffering. There are exceptions and you might have a point that younger people are these exceptions more often than others. On the other hand many of those have been suffering since their childhood, have had no one actually caring or understanding them since then, so they might still fall into the aforementioned category...
I don't know how else to explain this in oder to make it understandable xD

Yes, often the situation could be made a little better than it is right now, the same is true for me. But after countless tries to do so and failing at that, often ending up with a worse situation than before one doesn't want to fight the increasingly hard fight to do so. Additionally even if everything went about as optimal as it could from a certain point one would still end up with a quite underwhelmingly shitty life that might be more dreadful than joyful, which is what I predict for myself personally

As a side note, I'm not even dead set on suicide atm, I simply don't know what I will do and it largely depends if my 7th approach to get proper help and treatment in order to build even a resemblance of a enjoyable life will fail again or not... but every time you try in vain it gets exponentially harder to even get yourself to try anything anymore and all the times you are fighting these demons are just pure suffering 24/7 without any joy.

 

[sorrynormal]

There is some of the poorest people who live in tight knit communities on this planet and they have some of the lowest suicide rates worldwide despite on the surface having not the greatest living conditions. But they have each other and feel connected on a more primal and humane level, which is something many people in modern / western societies lack entirely these days.

And yet American's and most importantly the Mental Health System knows all of this, and we do the exact opposite. Just in the last 5 years this country and social relations have imploded. Gone are the 3rd spaces were people could just exist and maybe meet someone. Everyone is now behind a screen monitor, phone, or tv. People are becoming even more alienated than they already were; and sociologists have been sounding the alarm for at this point several decades.

The solution to every suicide or mass pew pew event is always 'more mental health resources'... How about resources to average people? How about instead of having a giant enormous system, that is incentized to destroy families (CPS and family court system), we spend money on maybe helping these families stick together? Maybe healthcare and education that doesn't bankrupt you? The num 1 cause of bankruptcy is medical bills, and these people HAVE insurance. AND for 9/10 places in the US, there is no functional mass transit. I strongly personally believe this fact alone has a lot to say about the US; everyone is isolated in there steel high speed death box (ie car) listening to music.

It's either 'mental health treatment' 'homicidal pills' (read the black box warnings) personal responsibility, or 'resilience' which is a word I truly hate. What American culture expects is for people to have literally infinite resilience. Nothing in the natural world that humans build or maintain has infinite weight bearing potential (like a bridge).

 

[h4ppyhypoxia]

as a 19 year old, genuinely thank you so much for writing this, i have made my mind up after years of unsuccessful mental health treatment, but ive been so focused on my planning my exit that ive become detached from the people around me, so maybe its time to put some energy into them

i hear your pain, and im sad that i am going to cause this in my own parents, if i told you i was sorry for your loss, i would mean it, but it wont bring your son back, i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better, because it genuinely must be unimaginably horrible to experience losing someone you brought into the world this way, im sending you love, there is a poem that i like that might be of some comfort

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

while its horribly painful that suicide has taken your son in the present and future, it cannot take away the past that you have with your son, that will always be there, all of your memories with him are still with him, grief is a horrible feeling, its not one that goes away, as with many hard feelings, we have to let ourselves cry and mourn, and try to build a life around them, rather than a life without them, thank you for sharing your experiences on this fourm

i dont believe that there is such thing as a peaceful suicide, there is always somebody to grieve and mourn, there is always pain caused after somebody dies, and i wish that you did not have to carry that, its so awful, sending you love

as for the people debating about whether a younger person has a right to die or not, we can hold 2 truths at once, we can hold that we have a right to make this decision, and the fact that it will cause other people great pain at the same time, i think the pain you will cause others is absolutely something to consider, not necessarily as a rule "if you have family you should NEVER commit suicide" but whether you are willing to endure a horrific life for the sake of making others happier in this moment of time, if the answer to that question is no, then ok, if the answer to that question is yes, then ok, at the end of the day, we all have the right to choose, no matter what laws are put into place to prevent suicide, or no matter how many safeguards are put into place, it is still our decision

 

[MonkeyButter]

But if you're reading this and under 25 years old, as a lot of you are, please look for another way. Again, I know every situation is different. But you are not killing yourself; you are taking others with you!

Oh we are well aware. I know you are hurting, but that doesn't give you the right to come on here and try to dissuade and discourage people who are simply trying to take control of their lives. Extremely disrespectful and insensitive. I'd really get in there and bully you but that's not allowed so go ahead and imagine it.

You really pissed me off here.

Try posting in the Recovery section instead.

 

[Leaving1970]

I do feel that there are people that understand, many on this forum are examples of ppl that find themselves in a similar mindset and/or situation, and it's comforting to have that understanding felt by someone.
I wouldn't know what would make it truly "better" tho.
My parents' mindset seems to be that depression and negative thoughts are something that you're meant to endure for however long it lasts, and this seems common in their generation.
But I guess my patience has a lower limit and the "unthinkable" is just "thinkable/an option" in my view, to make the suffering stop.
Ur right, It's a complex mess.
I'm unsure if the generational divergence is a factor or to what degree, but I guess it would follow if u go by the assumption that we're products of the world and time we find ourselves in, a lot of things have changed in how we do things, normatively, societally etc...
You know how a lot of things that 20-30 years ago were unthinkable are now just normal? The way the younger generations think and frame things are very different.
This way of thinking may become the normative opinion in the somewhat near future, it's not going to stay at ~50k forever, I think it's only going to grow.

To answer the question, I don't think there's a single thing anyone in my family could do, however compassionately, to "fix" whatever is broken inside me.

I appreciate the response - Thank you

Oh we are well aware. I know you are hurting, but that doesn't give you the right to come on here and try to dissuade and discourage people who are simply trying to take control of their lives. Extremely disrespectful and insensitive. I'd really get in there and bully you but that's not allowed so go ahead and imagine it.

You really pissed me off here.

Try posting in the Recovery section instead.

I said, Stop and think about it. Glad I pissed you off; maybe it will cause you to think about your situation. If you're hell-bent on doing it, then . . .

Bully me, huh? LOL I have already been told maybe my kid did it to hurt me. So have it.

Then when you're done, ponder life and ponder what might be after you kill yourself.

BTW - Clearly you are not well aware

as a 19 year old, genuinely thank you so much for writing this, i have made my mind up after years of unsuccessful mental health treatment, but ive been so focused on my planning my exit that ive become detached from the people around me, so maybe its time to put some energy into them

i hear your pain, and im sad that i am going to cause this in my own parents, if i told you i was sorry for your loss, i would mean it, but it wont bring your son back, i wish there was something i could say to make you feel better, because it genuinely must be unimaginably horrible to experience losing someone you brought into the world this way, im sending you love, there is a poem that i like that might be of some comfort

Death is nothing at all.
It does not count.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
Nothing has happened.
Everything remains exactly as it was.
I am I, and you are you, and the old life that we lived so fondly together is untouched, unchanged.
Whatever we were to each other, that we are still.
Call me by the old familiar name.
Speak of me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference into your tone.
Wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes that we enjoyed together. Play, smile, think of me, pray for me.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was.
Let it be spoken without an effort, without the ghost of a shadow upon it. Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was.
There is absolute and unbroken continuity.
What is this death but a negligible accident
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight
I am but waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just round the corner.
All is well.
Nothing is hurt; nothing is lost.
One brief moment and all will be as it was before.
How we shall laugh at the trouble of parting when we meet again!

while its horribly painful that suicide has taken your son in the present and future, it cannot take away the past that you have with your son, that will always be there, all of your memories with him are still with him, grief is a horrible feeling, its not one that goes away, as with many hard feelings, we have to let ourselves cry and mourn, and try to build a life around them, rather than a life without them, thank you for sharing your experiences on this fourm

i dont believe that there is such thing as a peaceful suicide, there is always somebody to grieve and mourn, there is always pain caused after somebody dies, and i wish that you did not have to carry that, its so awful, sending you love

as for the people debating about whether a younger person has a right to die or not, we can hold 2 truths at once, we can hold that we have a right to make this decision, and the fact that it will cause other people great pain at the same time, i think the pain you will cause others is absolutely something to consider, not necessarily as a rule "if you have family you should NEVER commit suicide" but whether you are willing to endure a horrific life for the sake of making others happier in this moment of time, if the answer to that question is no, then ok, if the answer to that question is yes, then ok, at the end of the day, we all have the right to choose, no matter what laws are put into place to prevent suicide, or no matter how many safeguards are put into place, it is still our decision

Well said . .. I don't think the pain you will cause others should necessarily stop you, but at least explore options. My only point with being young and you probably disagree is you just don't know yet what will happen in life. I am telling you I did and thought things at 20 and listened to none, then later in life realized they were right.

I think with suicide people get tunnel vision and can't get out of what they are fixated on. Again, very complicated, but I still maintain you just don't understand the harm you do to others, the others that might have been able to help.

But it is your choice; nobody can stop someone if they are hell-bent to do it.

Listen, life sucks; I just don't think this is the answer all the time. Sometimes maybe yes, but the new default it is not.

 

[MonkeyButter]

Spoken like a true child and the exact type of person that needs to hear it.

It's amazing how disgusting most of you people are here.

Merely suggested he post on Recovery. Get a hold of yourself.

 

[FrostNova]

Merely suggested he post on Recovery. Get a hold of yourself.

Your endless seething about being pissed off and imagining himself being "bullied" by you was your "suggestion" and I'm the one that needs to get ahold of myself?

 

[TheGuy458]

Some of the replies to this thread are quite disturbing. I get lots of members here are very nihilistic, pro-mortalist, etc but I honestly wish these people would just like take the day off when seeing posts like these. It reeks of childish puerile behavior and it absolutely needs to be canned. It really does seem that empathy is nonexistent here even when someone loses their son to suicide. Absolutely pathetic behavior imo

 

[solely.pain]

Some of the replies to this thread are quite disturbing. I get lots of members here are very nihilistic, pro-mortalist, etc but I honestly wish these people would just like take the day off when seeing posts like these. It reeks of childish puerile behavior and it absolutely needs to be canned. It really does seem that empathy is nonexistent here even when someone loses their son to suicide. Absolutely pathetic behavior imo

Agreed, it's understandable that some people won't like that he's discouraging "young" people to ctb solely because of their age. But they could at least try to be understanding of his situation and empathetic that he lost his son.

 

[Leaving1970]

Agreed, it's understandable that some people won't like that he's discouraging "young" people to ctb solely because of their age. But they could at least try to be understanding of his situation and empathetic that he lost his son.

In my defense, age does have a lot to do with it. You just don't know what you don't know in your 20s. When you age, you look back and realize things were not as you saw them. But if you kill yourself at 20, you will never know this.

That is my point: suicide after you have at least tried, I can get behind. But at 20 you just don't know. And for all those 20 reading this that want to bash me, go ahead.

I hope somehow you do live and look back and realize you were not the genius you thought you were at 20.

Now, make no mistake, people of all ages are in some real shitty situations, especially in 2026. Life sucks; I am just not sure this is the answer when you have not explored all the options even though you think you have . . . .

 

[MonkeyButter]

I said, Stop and think about it. Glad I pissed you off; maybe it will cause you to think about your situation. If you're hell-bent on doing it, then . . .

I did think about my situation again thanks to you. But it doesn't matter. I don't even want to die I just don't have any choice. I got sick in the United States and I don't have a job. Come next year I won't have health insurance and that means no treatment. I kinda screwed my life even before I got sick by catching a felony so even if I were healthy enough to work I can't get hired anywhere that would offer insurance. So I either die now by my hand and blow up my family or I die slowly while my family blows up trying to save me. At least if I'm die before next year I won't have to watch it happen and my family wouldn't have drained their finances.

Bully me, huh? LOL I have already been told maybe my kid did it to hurt me. So have it.

Yikes I wouldn't taken it that far jesus. Bullying isn't for hurting the victim its for making the perp fell better. Besides I already know nothing can really hurt you anymore. Not after such a loss. I would have just called you old and blamed you for our current political situation because I feel bad about myself. People on here are making me out as some kind of asshole. Might be true.

Then when you're done, ponder life and ponder what might be after you kill yourself.

What might be after? Don't even go there. Keep your fairy tale religion to yourself. You know what's after death? Its the same thing as before conception. Absolutely nothing. Don't try to scare people with that dogma. Hasn't there been enough of that crap over the past 4,000 years? Put your bible on the shelf with Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings because its all fiction.

BTW - Clearly you are not well aware

Why do you say that? Is it because you think I'm a child? I was born when George H. W. was president. And I've seen enough. My mom will be sad but it's not like we are very close. She kicked me out when I was 15 and I've only recently gotten back in touch. I don't care what my father thinks. Oops. As for my twin sisters they are aware of my plans and have voiced no concerns.

I'm aware it will destroy my family, but its not like I'm burning the house down with them in it. Besides they are gonna be dead in a few years anyway. Idk if you have been watching the news but our little civilization here is coming to an end. And while you might be fine making a living scratching the earth with a stick looking for insects to eat I'm gonna pass on that.

Some of the replies to this thread are quite disturbing. I get lots of members here are very nihilistic, pro-mortalist, etc but I honestly wish these people would just like take the day off when seeing posts like these. It reeks of childish puerile behavior and it absolutely needs to be canned. It really does seem that empathy is nonexistent here even when someone loses their son to suicide. Absolutely pathetic behavior imo

I'm sorry is this the empathy forum? I wasn't aware. That's not what it says on the top of the page. I show as much empathy as was shown to me.

 

[Leaving1970]

I did think about my situation again thanks to you. But it doesn't matter. I don't even want to die I just don't have any choice. I got sick in the United States and I don't have a job. Come next year I won't have health insurance and that means no treatment. I kinda screwed my life even before I got sick by catching a felony so even if I were healthy enough to work I can't get hired anywhere that would offer insurance. So I either die now by my hand and blow up my family or I die slowly while my family blows up trying to save me. At least if I'm die before next year I won't have to watch it happen and my family wouldn't have drained their finances.

Yikes I wouldn't taken it that far jesus. Bullying isn't for hurting the victim its for making the perp fell better. Besides I already know nothing can really hurt you anymore. Not after such a loss. I would have just called you old and blamed you for our current political situation because I feel bad about myself. People on here are making me out as some kind of asshole. Might be true.

What might be after? Don't even go there. Keep your fairy tale religion to yourself. You know what's after death? Its the same thing as before conception. Absolutely nothing. Don't try to scare people with that dogma. Hasn't there been enough of that crap over the past 4,000 years? Put your bible on the shelf with Harry Potter and Lord of the Rings because its all fiction.

Why do you say that? Is it because you think I'm a child? I was born when George H. W. was president. And I've seen enough. My mom will be sad but it's not like we are very close. She kicked me out when I was 15 and I've only recently gotten back in touch. I don't care what my father thinks. Oops. As for my twin sisters they are aware of my plans and have voiced no concerns.

I'm aware it will destroy my family, but its not like I'm burning the house down with them in it. Besides they are gonna be dead in a few years anyway. Idk if you have been watching the news but our little civilization here is coming to an end. And while you might be fine making a living scratching the earth with a stick looking for insects to eat I'm gonna pass on that.

Ok, your life sucks ass. But back to, I still ponder why 300 million shitty suck-ass lives in the usa (you did not corner the market on shit lives) and "only" 50,000 kill themselves. I kind of doubt the 50K are the only ones that figured out this game is rigged.

There is something else more to this.

Yes, I am old and shitty myself; I just had the random luck to be born earlier in life when it was easier to live.

And religion might be a fairy tale or not. Guess we all will find out

 

[Lost in a Dream]

Some of the replies to this thread are quite disturbing. I get lots of members here are very nihilistic, pro-mortalist, etc but I honestly wish these people would just like take the day off when seeing posts like these. It reeks of childish puerile behavior and it absolutely needs to be canned. It really does seem that empathy is nonexistent here even when someone loses their son to suicide. Absolutely pathetic behavior imo

You are right. I was in the wrong and I truly am sorry for having been a dick earlier. I can't make it right, but despite this, the resentment I feel towards my parents for bringing me into this world in the first place will never leave me. The never-ending nightmare that my existence is and has always been is a crushing weight. I don't know how it could ever be fixed.

 

[rorosbones]

i'm so sorry you've had to deal with this. i'm 20 years old myself and i don't want to live much longer, but one of the things keeping me here is my mom. i love her so much and i just know it would absolutely destroy her if i died, especially so young. she stayed in the uncomfortable hospital room with me for over 24 hours after my previous attempt, and visited me in the psych ward as often as she could. she cares so so much and i'm so grateful for her. i'm alive now because i don't want to put her through losing her child. you've just made that thought stronger, seeing how horrible it feels to be in the situation that i want to create by killing myself.

 

[PeaceSeeker83]

I will try to be respectful in my reply to you but it is difficult. Only reason I say it is difficult is because I too am young (33 almost 34) but when I finally do end my life, I want my father to be traumatized and follow in my footsteps. He brought me into this world for purely selfish reasons, knowing that I would suffer and die, but did it anyway. I think he deserves to suffer from the grief after I end my life and he deserves to go through the process of considering, planning, and eventually ending his life. I want him to SUFFER beforehand.

I also think that regardless of age, everyone's desire to die is valid and they should have access to a peaceful way out ANY TIME THEY CHOOSE. To be against this is disgusting as I see suicide prevention as being Forced Life slavery. It is extremely invalidating to tell people who are young that they should keep living, and that only people who are old can leave. I disagree with you VERY STRONGLY. If someone is a legal adult (aged 18+) their desire to die is equally as valid as someone who is double or triple their age, if not more than that.

I am sorry for the pain you are experiencing, but your son's desire to die was totally valid and you are the one who sentenced him to suffer and die in the first place. You need to own up to this fact and accept it, as do all people who become parents. When I die, I will bring my father down with me and I don't care about him at all. I have been wanting to die for 8 years and have been close to ending it many times. When my time finally does come, he will know how I feel about him and his decision to procreate.

My son committed suicide at the age of 20 in April of 2025. No note, no explanation, no idea this was going on in his head. This was also a close relationship; we did everything together, on almost a daily basis. I think the closeness makes it even worse. I did not know what was going on.

Over the last year and a half I have been close to doing it myself, as I just can't come to terms with the guilt and not knowing. And I still might—50/50.

I do understand there are many, many reasons for doing it, and everyone's situation is different; that is a fact.

But as a father in living hell, I want to bring pause to anyone that is young. You just don't know what life will bring; think long and hard before you call it quits.

The damage done to the few people that do love you is truly unexplainable. Now if you're old like me and gave it a good try, then hey, go ahead.

But if you're reading this and under 25 years old, as a lot of you are, please look for another way. Again, I know every situation is different. But you are not killing yourself; you are taking others with you!

jim

Jim, I can understand some of your sentiments but many of us, even the under 25s, are simply too far gone.

 

[MonkeyButter]

Ok, your life sucks ass. But back to, I still ponder why 300 million shitty suck-ass lives in the usa (you did not corner the market on shit lives) and "only" 50,000 kill themselves. I kind of doubt the 50K are the only ones that figured out this game is rigged.

Just how dense are you? Lead or osmium? It's called hope most have some and a few of us have none so we don't play the game you so cleverly helped rig.