Venting Became an unpleasant presence

[pspsps111]

Hey all,

Just looking to write down what I've felt like for some time now, since I don't have anyone to tell this to.

I have ended up becoming an unpleasant presence in everyone's life now -- at least to everyone that cares about me. I have become the person that walks into a room and everyone frowns because I bring an insufferable and suffocating "aura(?)" with me. No one told me this, but I can feel it whenever I walk into a room. I cannot blame them either, since it's my own actions (and tbh in part the circumstances I was dealt with, without my consent) that resulted in me being this miserable. Classic FAFOs. Emphasis on the plural. And while I can see I'm hurting people by being like this, I think it's good in the sense that when I finally CTB, they will remember how unpleasant I was and at least be relieved in some ways.

Just puts me in an awkward position to what to write in my notes. I don't want to lie. But if I am completely honest, I know people will start assuming guilt, thinking of how they could've helped. They can't/couldn't have/can't have. It will take literal divine intervention to help my case now, not that I'm expecting any. It's no one's fault for how I turned out.

Regarding the notes, I guess I'll be partially honest, and in my final lie tell them just the right words to own all responsibility and relieve them of anything?

I am sorry if this isn't the right forum for this. I've been lurking around recently, and while I'm yet to decide on a method, I feel like final notes are very important.

 

[_Gollum_]

I relate. I know there's a "vibe" about me that is offputting and depressing. No one leaves my presence thinking to themself "She gives me so much joy!"

As for your note, it's your note. If you don't want to lie, don't. They're likely going to feel bad and guilty regardless of what you say, but you can try to alleviate it somewhat by explicitly telling them that it was nobody's fault.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I can relate to this. Fortunately or maybe unfortunately, I don't have to be around people that much. But, I feel sure I'd struggle to mask who I am now and, how I feel. So, I dread having to be around people now.

It isn't at all fair though because- from what you've said, it's unfair things that have happened to you that mean you are struggling. I suspect that's the same for many of us. You'd hope the response to that would be patience and understanding. (Especially since sometimes, these same people were somewhat responsible for exposing us to the danger in the first place- I've found anyway.) But, it doesn't seem to work like that- unfortunately. People expect us to be strong and recover after anything.

I also agree that a note feels important. Do you intend to lay blame where it belongs as well as trying to reassure others they could do no more? Or, do you intend to keep that part vague? I intend to hint in as much as revealing when my ideation started- in childhood. They ought to know from that- why. I don't know how reasuring notes can be but, I tend to feel they are better than nothing.

 

[pspsps111]

I relate. I know there's a "vibe" about me that is offputting and depressing. No one leaves my presence thinking to themself "She gives me so much joy!"

As for your note, it's your note. If you don't want to lie, don't. They're likely going to feel bad and guilty regardless of what you say, but you can try to alleviate it somewhat by explicitly telling them that it was nobody's fault.

No one leaves my presence thinking to themself "She gives me so much joy!"

I resonate so much with this. I have had people in my life that made me so happy with just their presence, and I have always failed to do the same for them.

I can relate to this. Fortunately or maybe unfortunately, I don't have to be around people that much. But, I feel sure I'd struggle to mask who I am now and, how I feel. So, I dread having to be around people now.

It isn't at all fair though because- from what you've said, it's unfair things that have happened to you that mean you are struggling. I suspect that's the same for many of us. You'd hope the response to that would be patience and understanding. (Especially since sometimes, these same people were somewhat responsible for exposing us to the danger in the first place- I've found anyway.) But, it doesn't seem to work like that- unfortunately. People expect us to be strong and recover after anything.

I also agree that a note feels important. Do you intend to lay blame where it belongs as well as trying to reassure others they could do no more? Or, do you intend to keep that part vague? I intend to hint in as much as revealing when my ideation started- in childhood. They ought to know from that- why. I don't know how reasuring notes can be but, I tend to feel they are better than nothing.

Hey, I struggle at masking too (suck even). At least in front of close ones. For me at least, I think it means that I expect some comfort from them? But at the same time, I know it's not something they can help with. Plus the fact that, in my mind, I've already CTB'd and hurt them, makes me lash out at them. In part, I am angry that they don't see where I'm headed and how it's going to hurt them.

In my notes, I would want to make clear on a few things: that this was a long time coming. I think the ideation start time is very helpful (mine started in my teenage years, so yes, a long time coming); that I've always tried distracting myself by disruptive life/career choices (hopefully this makes them believe that it wasn't one or two events that led to my decision); and that every time I lashed out, it killed me a little as I loved them a lot and I was genuinely struggling.