Venting be a man

[Lavínia]

Since I was a child, I've had this impulse to dress in men's clothes, tie my hair back, keep a serious, closed expression, with fixed eyes, and look at myself in the mirror. I don't know exactly why, but I always did this when I was alone, wearing my grandfather's and father's old clothes. I used to hate my female body so much, I repudiated it to the point of vomiting. When I was with my ex... I told him, and we thought I was gender fluid because I still liked being a girl sometimes. I realized it was out of fear a while later; I could never abandon this feminine side of myself because I feel more confident in it. Being a boy, being a man, gives me a feeling of fragility, as if I were exposed, as if the world could see beneath my skin, look at my nerves and blood vessels. So I think I'm trans. I'm taking care of myself... I'm controlling myself more; it's not like I have any other option, but I'm maintaining a balanced diet. Trying to do more strenuous exercise, because of the physical therapy, my mom keeps encouraging it. I wanted this to be a goal, just another one. Maybe I could get more muscle... cut my hair at some point, and when I feel ready, take some hormones. I wanted to do this but still hide it, be a man, without anyone knowing. Maybe this will last for a week, maybe I'll give it up again. But maybe I'd be happier if i were a man.

 

[Worndown]

I know plenty of guys with long hair. They "put it up" when needed. Do the same.
Dress as you like. Will you feel like everyone sees through you...for a while.
Nobody cares. I do not know who you are, but if I see you on the street, you are who I see. End of story.
Hormone therapy...worry about that later. You need to be comfortable with who YOU are first.
Try it, you'll like it.

 

[microwaved_dawg]

Things like this happen even with changing clothing styles. When changes like this occur you often feel like you are on a "costume" in public even if you feel good in those clothes when no one is around. The trick is to start subtle, change things bit by bit, just so you get more comfortable with your new you and people around you start associating those things with you. Slowly but surely you will be a new person, the key is sticking to it.

Hope that helps, I wish you the best of luck in your transition. :)