ogerpon
^_^
- Sep 23, 2023
- 17
I really should've CTB last year, but unfortunately I haven't and I'm here. I'm reconsidering trying what I did last time (partial suspension) mixed with OD (I have a lot of propranolol and I figure that would help, I know you need to pair it with something but I don't remember what/don't have access). I wore the noose around my neck a bit ago to test how sturdy it is as well as the knot (that's what I fucked up last time). The knot is fine, but I'll need to strengthen the hold. Maybe I need to train my resolve first and practice wearing it longer and longer. Until I eventually keep it on. The loss of oxygen felt like a sense of relief, that I could die like this, but unfortunately I am an animal with the instinct to live. I figure the medication could help with that, decrease my heart rate enough that I'm barely awake.
I'm going to pity myself and my life a bit here, explain why I want to CTB. Last time, the issue was heavy dissociation, and that's changed to some extent. Time still doesn't feel real, I lose time, I forget chunks of my life. I forget myself almost entirely from the basics, it's like I have to rebuild myself every day. Every long, excruciating day. I get trauma flashbacks from times I can't even remember, and September has been determined a bad month for those, but it bleeds into August too I suppose. I feel unsafe all the time, often like a child. I feel like I'm being watched constantly both online and in my house, from certain corners. I hallucinate and am extremely paranoid. Bugs under my skin eating my undead corpse of a body. Sometimes it feels like my limbs are going to fall off from rot even though I know logically that's not true. I'm being evaluated for schizoaffective next week I think. I get hypomanic episodes and all they do is make me "normal" enough that it disappoints everyone around me that I can't maintain that all the time. I don't know where depression ends and I begin.
The reasons I'm supposed to want to live are mainly related to my one friend. I'm supposed to move in with him sometime soon. I'm participating in his wedding. I'm supposed to try on my outfit soon. I think he has a strong support network to persist if I CTB, but I know it would hurt him and that weighs heavy on my mind. My brother weighs heavy too. His birthday is soon, I wouldn't want him to associate that with my death. So I wait until next month. If they're lucky, I'll get a hypomanic episode that keeps me afloat for the month since I'll be so high on my own grandiosity that I won't want to die. I'm already dead, I can feel it, I just have to finish myself off so I'm properly dead. It's just how long does everyone want to keep an animated corpse around and how long am I willing to endure it? Not much longer.
I'm going to pity myself and my life a bit here, explain why I want to CTB. Last time, the issue was heavy dissociation, and that's changed to some extent. Time still doesn't feel real, I lose time, I forget chunks of my life. I forget myself almost entirely from the basics, it's like I have to rebuild myself every day. Every long, excruciating day. I get trauma flashbacks from times I can't even remember, and September has been determined a bad month for those, but it bleeds into August too I suppose. I feel unsafe all the time, often like a child. I feel like I'm being watched constantly both online and in my house, from certain corners. I hallucinate and am extremely paranoid. Bugs under my skin eating my undead corpse of a body. Sometimes it feels like my limbs are going to fall off from rot even though I know logically that's not true. I'm being evaluated for schizoaffective next week I think. I get hypomanic episodes and all they do is make me "normal" enough that it disappoints everyone around me that I can't maintain that all the time. I don't know where depression ends and I begin.
The reasons I'm supposed to want to live are mainly related to my one friend. I'm supposed to move in with him sometime soon. I'm participating in his wedding. I'm supposed to try on my outfit soon. I think he has a strong support network to persist if I CTB, but I know it would hurt him and that weighs heavy on my mind. My brother weighs heavy too. His birthday is soon, I wouldn't want him to associate that with my death. So I wait until next month. If they're lucky, I'll get a hypomanic episode that keeps me afloat for the month since I'll be so high on my own grandiosity that I won't want to die. I'm already dead, I can feel it, I just have to finish myself off so I'm properly dead. It's just how long does everyone want to keep an animated corpse around and how long am I willing to endure it? Not much longer.
