avoidant fearful attachment

[eggsausagerice]

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i just remembered a movie i liked and wanted to ask to watch it with him online, but then i remembered that i was supposed to cut ties with him because i was saying that i hate myself too much. i've never been as close with anyone but him before, but i feel like i need to leave him because my bpd mood swings make me look too insane and wishy-washy. i just feel like i'm not worth his time and i don't believe that he doesn't hate me, no matter how many times he says that he cares about me. since he moved, i've trusted him less because i just wanted him to replace me with someone else instead of keep wasting his time on me. when he kept talking to me i would tell him, "why are you bothering to talk to me when you can just talk to people at your new college? why do you even care about me?" (this is a disordered response).

my brain doesn't really know how to trust people because i've never been able to trust my parents. i feel like they discount everything i tell them and don't really believe mental illness is a real thing. even if i did kill myself, they would just say i was doomed to hell and say i didn't know how beautiful life was. i just feel like no matter what i do i can't be understood and my feelings will always be downplayed because i just look over emotional to people that don't feel things are strongly as me. it feels better to roll myself into a ball and isolate myself because i feel like no one's going to want me anyways. i just want to melt. i hate putting so much pressure on my friend because he doesn't deserve it. he doesn't need me to keep on telling him i want to kill myself. i want him to talk to better people, but if i don't talk to him, then i don't have a single person to reach out to. my loneliness is something i'm dooming myself to, but i want to save people the trouble of knowing me. i hate the feeling that i just bum people out, even if they do care about me. it's not fair to push people away and pull them back when i miss them. i'm repeating my mom's behavior.

 

[Unbearable Mr. Bear]

I get you. For me, I always assume I'll get tired very quick and abandoned them just like I do for everything else. Almost nothing can keep interested for long.

Mama bear, though, is always available. It doesn't matter if you call her once a day or once a month, she'll be there with a honey snack and a sweet smile.

 

[cousinyapper]

I understand this type of mindset.

What's the movie?

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

I think we are very different people in different phases of life, but this post, like others of yours, really resonates with me. But I never had a friend like what you've described.

 

[eggsausagerice]

I understand this type of mindset.

What's the movie?

peep "tv" show. it's on youtube. i highly recommend it if you have a free evening!