Venting Autistic men have it worst

[Sadbanana]

Let's be real, we autistic men got screwed by life the most. And nobody is really talking about how bad it is.

I know when I bring something like this up there is going to appear a bunch of feminist women, saying I'm worse then hitler. But it's just true, autistic women get better representation even though there is less of them. They are much less socially excluded and don't struggle to find community nearly as much. Most women are disgusted by autistic men and sees them as overgrown children. It's not really true the other way around, autistic women don't struggle to find a relationship, or at least not comparably as much.

And I'm not a misogynist for saying this, it's just the reality of how it is. Autistic men are treated as if we aren't people.

And it's not fair. All I wanted was a normal life. I just wanted to experience normal things, like having a friend group and romantic relationship. But I had to be born worthless. No social skills, in a society where it is the most valued thing. It's like a cruel joke. I'd reather be dumb in math or some other useless thing.

I would give up all of my lifespan to live as a normal person for couple of few years.

Honestly, I'd reather be born with cancer if I could choose. At least I wouldn't have end it myself.

 

[rainwillneverstop]

Making suffering a competition is never going to go well.

We all suffer here, and I can assure you autistic women also have struggles and I don't think it's as glitterful as you make it out to be.

 

[cemeteryismyhome]

And the very first reply was a woman ( I'm making an assumption, apologies if incorrect ), putting you in your place.

 

[amerie]

In my opinion I think the autism community gets way too wrapped up in their own trauma and echo chambers to realize their own privileges, and sort of fantasize about what part of the spectrum is "better" (this post being an example of that.)

I do see your point, I think we as women can mask better because it's easier for us to pass as more attractive than, let's say, a man who has to go to the gym, fix balding, etc. I think women's autism is also romanticized a bit more (ex; the manic pixie dream girl.)

But then again, you also have to consider that women's behavior can be seen as a lot more of an inconvenience and as a liability rather than a man's autism/neurodivergence would. And women of color, who potentially come from cut throat cultures where our expectations and freedoms are a lot more limited than men's are aren't given the same amount of grace. A lot of autistic/ND are written off as "ditzy" and "lazy" or even "entitled" while a man is more likely to get diagnosed because autism was studied in white males first.

Anyways, my main point is autism/ND in general is a curse. Regardless of how "easy" you think they have it, we're all suffering. Masking or not masking is not a privilege, I don't think any of this is a privilege. People with autism on a higher level are at the mercy of their caregivers who often express urges to kill them and they get neglected after their main caretakers die, people who can function like neurotypicals will suffer from crippling burnout and social exclusion. You can't win.

 

[darksouls]

I am so sorry you have to go through all this
it is terrible to be disappointed and hurt so often
sending you hugs and love

 

[Sadbanana]

I am so sorry you have to go through all this
it is terrible to be disappointed and hurt so often
sending you hugs and love

Thank you

 

[quietwoods]

Let's be real, we autistic men got screwed by life the most. And nobody is really talking about how bad it is.

I know when I bring something like this up there is going to appear a bunch of feminist women, saying I'm worse then hitler. But it's just true, autistic women get better representation even though there is less of them. They are much less socially excluded and don't struggle to find community nearly as much. Most women are disgusted by autistic men and sees them as overgrown children. It's not really true the other way around, autistic women don't struggle to find a relationship, or at least not comparably as much.

And I'm not a misogynist for saying this, it's just the reality of how it is. Autistic men are treated as if we aren't people.

And it's not fair. All I wanted was a normal life. I just wanted to experience normal things, like having a friend group and romantic relationship. But I had to be born worthless. No social skills, in a society where it is the most valued thing. It's like a cruel joke. I'd reather be dumb in math or some other useless thing.

I would give up all of my lifespan to live as a normal person for couple of few years.

Honestly, I'd reather be born with cancer if I could choose. At least I wouldn't have end it myself.

If you go on the autisminwomen subreddit, you will find tens of thousands of autistic women who are convinced that autistic men have it easier and are generally more supported by society.

You'll see tens of thousands of autistic women talk about having no friends, being relentlessly bullied, having no romantic prospects, being femcels, etc.

I know it's easier to try to point a finger at some group and say "they have it easier while I have it so much harder". I've been there. Many people here have been there. It's a natural human coping mechanism.

The reality for most men is that finding love is like trying to find fresh water in a desert. The reality for most women is that finding love is like trying to find fresh water in a swamp. Autistic or no.

Both sound like pretty crap options to me.

Sincerely, an (officially) autistic dude.

 

[Sadbanana]

And the very first reply was a woman ( I'm making an assumption, apologies if incorrect ), putting you in your place.

Yeah, it's just how it is

 

[rainwillneverstop]

And the very first reply was a woman ( I'm making an assumption, apologies if incorrect ), putting you in your place.

Yeah, it's just how it is

I'm not a woman, and I don't think you have to be to find it problematic to compare suffering and thereby invalidating others.

 

[Sadbanana]

If you go on the autisminwomen subreddit, you will find tens of thousands of autistic women who are convinced that autistic men have it easier and are generally more supported by society.

You'll see tens of thousands of autistic women talk about having no friends, being relentlessly bullied, having no romantic prospects, being femcels, etc.

I know it's easier to try to point a finger at some group and say "they have it easier while I have it so much harder". I've been there. Many people here have been there. It's a natural human coping mechanism.

The reality for most men is that finding love is like trying to find fresh water in a desert. The reality for most women is that finding love is like trying to find fresh water in a swamp. Autistic or no.

Both sound like pretty crap options to me.

Sincerely, an (officially) autistic dude.

I would say the methaphor with swamp is a little bit offensive to men. It's not like women are inherently better. They are just harder to get so we tend to be less picky with them.

 

[death_bed221]

Everyone thinks everyone else has it easier cuz they only see their own side of the struggle. Even if they do, how does that help you? U just become bitter

 

[Scythe]

Wha? Do we? I never felt that way, we all go through bullying and shit. Most of us anyways, and well I never felt it bad enough that I'd say I'm worse off. Tbh I don't know many autistic ppl irl. Also I tend to find a lot of autists online. You gotta look for communities online, doesn't even have to be autism communities, just can be gaming groups. More autisics online.

If anything I'd agrue ppl with very obvious autism, like you can tell at first glance ppl. They have it better off cause ppl would accomdate them and they get government support easier. Because they are obviously disabled, for ppl who falls into the " just weird"/undiagnosed category, they don't get the benefit of being excused due to autism.

This is from personal experience.

 

[quietwoods]

I would say the methaphor with swamp is a little bit offensive to men. It's not like women are inherently better. They are just harder to get so we tend to be less picky with them.

Sigh. If the only thing you got from my post was another reason to be a victim by nitpicking on a simile, I can understand why women aren't interested in you.

I hope your path eventually leads you to somewhere brighter. Good luck.

 

[enjoytheride]

Let's be real, we autistic men got screwed by life the most. And nobody is really talking about how bad it is.

I know when I bring something like this up there is going to appear a bunch of feminist women, saying I'm worse then hitler. But it's just true, autistic women get better representation even though there is less of them. They are much less socially excluded and don't struggle to find community nearly as much. Most women are disgusted by autistic men and sees them as overgrown children. It's not really true the other way around, autistic women don't struggle to find a relationship, or at least not comparably as much.

And I'm not a misogynist for saying this, it's just the reality of how it is. Autistic men are treated as if we aren't people.

And it's not fair. All I wanted was a normal life. I just wanted to experience normal things, like having a friend group and romantic relationship. But I had to be born worthless. No social skills, in a society where it is the most valued thing. It's like a cruel joke. I'd reather be dumb in math or some other useless thing.

I would give up all of my lifespan to live as a normal person for couple of few years.

Honestly, I'd reather be born with cancer if I could choose. At least I wouldn't have end it myself.

I can relate to what you are saying. Haven't been diagnosed, but after many years of having the same patterns of naivety and social unawareness (not in a bad way for others, but for me), I do believe I am autistic to some degree. And indeed it feels like I am not considered on equal footing with others when it comes to socialization. But then people can be cruel to you even if you haven't got autism, which only confuses me more. And I haven't got info about the female autist experience to be honest.

Perhaps a girl with mild autism will come through as awkwardly cute, while a boy with mild autism will be seen as just awkward. Maybe I am feeling some resentment and that's why I write this, or maybe it is true. I don't know. But I also think that in general, at least from my observations, girls/women are better at socializing. So perhaps that can make up for some of the disadvantages of being an autistic woman. Again, I am afraid that I am just speculating and bringing my personal feelings into this.

What I know for sure is: you are not worthless. You have inherent value which is not related to whether others choose you as a romantic partner or not. Unfortunately, it takes time, reflection, effort, experience and disappointments to actually realise this and stop evaluating your worth through the eyes of others.

 

[Sadbanana]

Wha? Do we? I never felt that way, we all go through bullying and shit. Most of us anyways, and well I never felt it bad enough that I'd say I'm worse off. Tbh I don't know many autistic ppl irl. Also I tend to find a lot of autists online. You gotta look for communities online, doesn't even have to be autism communities, just can be gaming groups. More autisics online.

If anything I'd agrue ppl with very obvious autism, like you can tell at first glance ppl. They have it better off cause ppl would accomdate them and they get government support easier. Because they are obviously disabled, for ppl who falls into the " just weird"/undiagnosed category, they don't get the benefit of being excused due to autism.

This is from personal experience.

I fall itno the not obvious category, the level 1 autism. If I try very hard I even can pretend I'm completely normal, but it's so exhausting that it can leave me burned out for weeks.

Thanks for the idea to look for some online groups. I guess having gaming buddies would be great. Do you have any suggestions where I could look?

Sigh. If the only thing you got from my post was another reason to be a victim by nitpicking on a simile, I can understand why women aren't interested in you.

I hope your path eventually leads you to somewhere brighter. Good luck.

It doesn't make what I said any less true. But if putting me down makes you feel better about yourself then be my guest.

 

[thot88]

I am an autistic man and I will never be able to have a normal relationship with a woman. I miss intimacy more than sex, even though I am a hermit. I get too stressed out by other people, which can take days to recover from. Men and women have had different jobs. And they have never been fair. Regardless of gender, people have different abilities. For example, a man works as a carer in a nursing home. A woman can now vote and study in Western countries. But men have had a duty to fight in war throughout history, and a man who has not been able to do so has been considered shameful. And the whole discussion about who has it worse is pretty pointless. A woman can also become paralyzed in 4 limbs and suffer the rest of her life.

But I had to add that everyone suffers from war. Even children and women and other civilians.

 

[iamanavalanche]

we can explain and describe our experiences without trying to invalidate other peoples experiences

 

[Dark Moon]

I'm autistic too (diagnosed not self diagnosed) so I know what it's like to have poor social and communication skills, ostracized/rejected, difficulty in forming friendships especially relationships with the opposite sex. You're right though that society hates men with any kind of mental illness or disability and are completely unforgiving of that.

It's best to find other autistic people online in certain forums or groups. That's what I'm going to try and do.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Can we just not do shit like this?

But it's just true, autistic women get better representation even though there is less of them. They are much less socially excluded and don't struggle to find community nearly as much

Many autism women struggle with fitting in and autistic women also have a harder time getting diagnosed, especially since many tend to mask their symptoms due to how they were raised. Many also describe struggling to find community because of their autism, so I don't get where this shit you are spewing is coming from.

And I'm not a misogynist for saying this

If you have to specify that you aren't a misogynist, then maybe you should take that as a sign to step back and do a bit of self-reflection...


Along with that, there are plenty of autistic men who have friends and are in happy relationships and shit. My uncle is autistic and he happens to have a wife and a kid. Making this out to be some gendered thing really reflects poorly on you. You seem to be more concerned with being callout for your misogyny, making sure to paint yourself as a victim of the supposed inevitable harassment from feminists you are so sure you were going to face at the beginning of your post, rather than being concerned about whether or not you might actually be spewing misogynistic bullshit...

It's fine to vent about your issues, but can you please not go around making this some oppression olympics thing and minimizing the struggles of autistic women? Is that too much to ask?

 

[neurotoxic]

I work with autistic people and was diagnosed as a kid. As a man I don't feel I have it easier, I know for a fact women have more difficulty finding treatment and getting diagnosed and supported. Many autistic women don't even have the privilege of putting the label to their struggle, they just mask and exhaust themselves daily while also often dealing with, well, men who are generally pains to deal with.

For every man in my life with a struggle, there is a woman out there with a similar struggle who also has to deal with men on top of that. That's enough for me to disregard men who for some reason insist upon making it into a competition. As much shit as I have to deal with there is a woman out there with the same struggles who also has to deal with problems I don't even really understand. So why should I say I have it harder than women? I have my own problems, that's enough for me.

 

[Scythe]

I fall itno the not obvious category, the level 1 autism. If I try very hard I even can pretend I'm completely normal, but it's so exhausting that it can leave me burned out for weeks.

Thanks for the idea to look for some online groups. I guess having gaming buddies would be great. Do you have any suggestions where I could look?

It doesn't make what I said any less true. But if putting me down makes you feel better about yourself then be my guest.

If you play online games that's not known to have a shitty playerbase you can find a discord server for the game. Even if it's singleplayer, games with high replayability like Darkest Dungeon or Slay the Spire has quite a big active playerbase.

Though I personally perfer finding communities with nicher games, those tend to have smaller groups and I just prefer it more. There's also less chance that there's hostile people in a small group.

You can always post in the make a friend megathread in off-topic or just try to get invited to a SS Discord server. There's a lot of people on here with at least one of the two spectrums here. (ADHD/Autism)