Assume you won't go ctb until the moment you ctb. (Don't ruin your life further)

[loveletter4you]

Cause if you let yourself go, spend recklessly while being apathetic because you're about to die in a few days and you end up not dying..... you're now in a deeper hole than the one you started in

I regret not locking in last fall, I was certain I was going to die. I didn't, got sent to a psych ward in December. Spent the following months actively suicidal, trying to work out the details. Was definitely going to die in April,a phonecall from my sibling stopped that.

I was certain I was going to die by my birthday in June but I found out it wasn't fully game over for me and my sibling even spent 3k to help me,I can't let that go to waste,he wouldn't have needed to do that had I not given up. There's several things I regret not doing this winter because I thought to myself "it doesn't matter, I'm gonna die in a few days anyway" ,I now have to pay for the consequences of my inaction

I'll keep in mind next time I think "I'm gonna be dead soon anyway" that I'll likely still be alive and will suffer the consequences of my current inaction

I mean I still want to ctb but I need to do my best now to salvage the little I can salvage so things don't get worse. From now on if I ctb it'll be spontaneous,no more dragging it on

thank you

 

[StoneCactus]

Yeah, this is why I haven't taken my SN yet. I'm nervous about it failing and how I'd deal with the aftermath, i.e. losing my job and quite possibly being committed for a long time and running up ridiculous medical bills when I lose my insurance. Once I get fired and get COBRA setup on auto-pay so I have months' worth of runway to get out from a commitment I'll take my SN and end it all.

 

[StarryEyed]

I went to visit trees, they're not ideal nor are they in ideal areas. One is 15 meters behind someone's open backyard that leads into the woods. It's in full view of anyone that'd look outside, it's not ideal at all. I'm so exhausted

Thank you for starting this very important conversation. It's so helpful to me too. I hope you find the tree you want an need. And if you don't, I hope you can find the rest you need. I'm so exhausted too. So very exhausted. So ready to leave. So very ready.

Thanks all for your company

 

[Exhausted546]

Thank you for starting this very important conversation. It's so helpful to me too. I hope you find the tree you want an need. And if you don't, I hope you can find the rest you need. I'm so exhausted too. So very exhausted. So ready to leave. So very ready.

Thanks all for your company

I'm sadly still alive, it's so difficult to get productive while being actively suicidal, but as I said earlier, I have to do it whether I want it or not until the moment I actually can, otherwise I'll only be pointlessly further ruining my life

 

[StarryEyed]

I'm sadly still alive, it's so difficult to get productive while being actively suicidal, but as I said earlier, I have to do it whether I want it or not until the moment I actually can, otherwise I'll only be pointlessly further ruining my life

It's such a mindfuck isn't it?! I don't know if it's possible to put the two parts together - the survival self and the suicidal self. It's counterintuitive to say the least. Maybe you don't have to try? Maybe it's a waste of time and energy trying to. Maybe you can accept the contradiction? That's what I'm trying to do. It's so weird. So very weird. Surreal. Very surreal

 

[_Minsk]

absolutely true. this should be pinned imo

 

[Exhausted546]

I think tonight is the night.